July 31, 2022

I pull my phone from my pocket as I climb up the familiar steps, hurrying down a hall in search of a very specific door. I need to do this or I just might lose my mind. Please tell me he can help me. Kill me now if he can't.

My phone rings for a second before Zoe answers, "Hey Kaily, I was just about to call and ask if we were still meeting up."

"Uh, yeah... bout that, Zo," I say in a rush, hearing that I sound as shaky as I feel. "I can't do it today. Can you just do me a favour? Please?"

"Oh... Yeah of course, anything!" She says, her concern practically pouring through the speaker of my phone.

"Can you drop by Mr. Hughes' and tell him I said hello? I wanted to visit, but I need to get out of here, tell him I'll drop by next time or... something," I mutter out, feeling like a coward.

There's silence for a minute and then a soft, sad sigh.

"Kai... I can't do that," She whispers.

"'Course you can, just-"

"Mr.Hughes died of a heart attack two years ago," She tells me, sounding like she's regretting every word that escapes her lips.

I don't even reply, I simply can't. My thumb hit the red button to disconnect the call and I very nearly run into Erik's office. My chest rising and falling unevenly as I attempt to breathe like a sane human being not about to lose his ever loving mind. The second his eyes fall on me, his face becomes serious and he knows I'm here for more than just a hello.

"Kai. Why don't you take a seat, you look unwell," he says gently, nodding towards the little sofa.

I nod shakily and drop down onto it, bending over to put my head between my knees to breathe and calm myself. My body shakes and I am filled with so much confusion and anger that I just want to scream. Far too much has happened this week and I just can't take it anymore, I need to get away. I need to pretend none of this happened.

"Talk to me, Kai."

I take a deep breath and for some reason a bitter scoff escapes me before I speak, "Where should I start, Erik? Should I begin with 'oh I finally reunited with my long lost lover.' Or maybe, 'my only real father figure is dead and I didn't even know.' Or perhaps, 'How dare Jace act like he wants me back and then show off his lovely new boyfriend in front of me.' Or wait, here's the kicker, 'How fucking dare he kiss me when I try to walk away from him, from the mess we are going to make if we keep fucking pushing... whatever this is.' Where should I start, Erik?"

His eyes widen slightly, but then he just exhales as he processes what I've said, "Start with Mr.Hughes. I heard of his passing. How do you feel right now?"

"Like a shit person for not knowing. For ignoring yet another loved one until it's too late to say goodbye. Do you know how much it hurts, to keep losing everyone and never getting to tell them your last goodbyes and I love you's? It hurts, it hurts a lot and I loved that old man. He's looked after me since I was just a kid, and now he's gone and what do I give him in return? Nothing," I say, feeling a lump rise in my throat.

Erik frowns and nods, "Sometimes, you don't need to say anything or give them anything back, Kai. You're a complicated person when it comes to showing your emotions, we've spoken of this. If he knew you for so long, he knew that you were truly thankful. He spoke to me once, during the time you were gone, and he only had wonderful things to say. He loved you like a son, and he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this. He understood why you left... we all did."

I sigh and look away, not wanting his 'understanding' of things. I know why I left. It was because I was a coward and needed to escape Jace. I wasn't strong enough to be where all I could see is memories of us. Memories of him.

"Do you know this Jasper guy he's dating?" I ask.

"I do. He was a cancer patient here for a while and he and Jace became friends during their group therapy sessions. If you want personal information, I'm afraid I can't do that. I have to abide by the rules of confidentiality," He explains.

Great, so they bonded over the thing that tore Jace and I apart. No wonder he wants Jasper now. Jasper isn't weak. Jasper can understand what he went through. Jasper and he have a connection. One I can't understand, because I'll probably never understand what it's like to battle and survive such a thing. Is there really any way he's not better than me? Why do I care so much, he can't be mine now anyway. No matter how much I yearn to kiss him again.

"Now tell me what happened with Jace," He says, giving me sad look.

This makes my throat tighten painfully, my hands clench into fists and my anger return to my veins. "I told him the truth, about how much he hurt me. How I hated him for lying to me and keeping such secrets from me all this time... and then he kissed me."

"How did you feel, Kai? When he kissed you, when you finally got things off your chest, when the kiss ended," Erik urges me to continue.

I think about it and to be honest, every emotion I feel conflicts and it just makes me feel more lost, "When I finally told him, I felt... I don't know, like a weight was lifted? I knew the problem wasn't fixed, but it felt like I was getting somewhere by putting my feelings on the matter in the open. To finally let out all the pent up anger I had towards him... but, then he kissed me and all my anger just--I don't even know, it just deflated and it was like I was thrown back eleven years and it was amazing and it felt good and I realized just how damn much I missed it, but with that came the memories of the day he broke my heart. The painful years I endured because of that heart break."

"By the time he pulled away from me, I could barely keep it together. I was angry and hurt. I didn't know if I was going to break down or hit him for being such an absolute twat, thinking he had the right to do that to me. To hurt me so much and then kiss me!? When he has a damn boyfriend? It's hard enough to let them be, but now he's trying to play us both? I don't know what he's doing or why he's doing it, but I can't handle it. I'll go insane, Erik. Coming here was the biggest mistake I could have made."

Erik hands me a box of tissues to wipe the few tears that have escaped and I thank him, taking a few. He writes in his journal for a few moments and when he turns to me, he sighs once again, "I believe Jace is suffering also, which is why his motives seem unclear, why he keeps giving off mixed signals. Time apart to clear your heads might be best if you want any hope of salvaging at least a friendship. As for coming here... I don't believe it was bad for you. It unleashed repressed emotions that would have released themselves eventually anyway and you got your answers and the closure you've needed. It may have opened old wounds, but I don't believe for a second that they closed in the first place. Now you can start fresh and heal the wounds properly."

I nod, knowing that what he says makes sense. I can't completely blame Jace, because I have absolutely no idea what is going on in his head, what he's going through, how things effect him. I hardly know what his life is like now.

Opening old wounds and unleashing repressed emotions hurts, but maybe it is the beginnings to really healing. Maybe this is what I've needed. The reason I never moved on, was never able to shake the depressive cloud that hung over me, was because I didn't have true answers. I didn't have real closure. I had sudden heart break and loss and too many loose ends left forgotten in a town I had wished to forget about. Just goes to show, you can't run from your problems. The past will always catch up to you.

**

When I walk back into Jared's at long last, the first thing I see is a blur of faces before I'm pinned to the wall in some deranged group hug. Seth, Leah, Charlie, and Jared all are grabbing onto me, hugging me almost painfully tight and as much as it warms my heart, I'm also really uncomfortable.

"Uhm, hi to you, too?" I wheeze.

"Jace called," Jared mumbles into my shoulder, where his chin is rested.

"He told us something happened between you guys and that you ran off upset and he panicked," Charlie adds from over Jared's shoulder, his hand rubbing soothing circles on my lower back.

"Then Zoe called and told us she told you about Mr. Hughes and then your line went dead and when she told us that we panicked and got worried about you," Leah grumbles from my other shoulder, leaning up to kiss my cheek. "I'm sorry, babes."

"Oh my precious, Kai! I'm so sorry everything sucks! I'll kick Jace's ass, okay? Just don't be sad! You know I can't handle sad Kai! Crying people freak me out!" Seth exclaims, shoving himself fully against my chest, nuzzling me practically.

I can't help but burst out laughing and that's the moment they all pull back to stare at me like I've possibly lost my mind. Which Seth actually voices, to which I just laugh more. My friends are probably the strangest people you'll meet, but I honestly couldn't live without them. Their support in all this means the world to me, I just wish I could show them that.

"I love you guys, but really, I'm okay now," I say gently, calming from my outburst. "I mean I'm not okay, but... I'm okay. I talked to Erik and he helped me think some stuff through. I'm just going to go home and let myself work it out. Get some space between Jace and I before I decide if I can handle a friendship with him."

"Well... whatever you need to do, Kai. It's been really nice seeing you again. Don't be a stranger, okay? You're always welcome here," Jared says with a small smile.

I nod and thank him, turning to Seth who finally pulls away from me, giving me a look that says he's still ready to kick ass for me, "Mind driving us back with you today?"

He smirks and glances over at Charlie, "How could I say no to my best friend and sex on legs over there."

Charlie blushes and coughs awkwardly, "I'm just going to go grab my things now... yeah."

I smile at his retreating form and it widens when I catch Seth checking out his butt in the corner of my eyes. Seth may possibly just be playing around, being his typical man whore self, but I can see the attraction really developing. I see the way his real smile comes out around Charlie and the way his eyes light up when Charlie actually speaks friendly with him. The stolen glances, the blush I've seen streak across his cheeks as he turns away. Seth likes Charlie, and as much as I know that the two could be explosive, I'm intrigued to see what will happen.

I turn, pretending to have seen nothing and quickly hug Leah and move on to grabbing my own things, shoving them in my bag and making sure I haven't forgotten anything important. I don't need a reason to come back just yet. I need time away and time away I'll get.

Once we're ready, we all bid Jared farewell and Leah says she'll let me know when she's back home in a few days and then Charlie follow Seth outside and wait out front for him to pull up with his car.

Mere seconds after we see Seth pull up, I hear a familiar voice speak, "Kai, wait!"

Charlie and I both turn our heads and sure enough, Jace is standing there, looking highly upset and conflicted (the norm lately) and possibly a little out of breath. I just stare, but Charlie breaks the silence for me. "Not now, Jace. You've done enough, don't you think? Come on, Kai."

With that, Charlie hauls me to the back seat and practically sets me down. All the while, my eyes are glued on Jace's, lost in the same trance as before and for a split second, I almost feel the tingling sensation of his lips once more. I yearn to throw open the car door and just run back into his arms and beg him to drop Jasper and take me back and kiss me as he did earlier, over and over again.

But, that's not possible. Realistically, he could very well love Jasper and I have Daisy waiting for me at home. No matter our feelings, we have other commitments and I think it would be best for both of us to just forget the kiss ever happened. It will only ruin the good things we found. Is there any use screwing everything up for a relationship between us that may just be doomed to fail?

Are we doomed to fail? Is that why fate seems so determined to break us, tear us apart? Make us hate each other? Everything so far is just leading up to something explosive. I'm not sure what that is, but if I'm being honest, I'm terrified of the fallout that is sure to come afterwards.

With that thought, I tell Seth to drive and force my gaze forward, only looking ahead and no longer behind, no matter how hard it is to ignore the beautiful blue eyes burning into me as we pull away.

**

I don't think I've ever been so happy to see my lonesome little flat. The way it reflects me and only me. There is no raspberry scent, no haunting shades of blue, no memories in the slightest when I glance around the modernized living room. Just what I need and what I prefer right now.

"Nice place," Charlie says, whistling at the view. "How on earth did you afford this!?"

I smile and shrug, joining him by the window, "Martyn stayed in touch with me for a short bit when I first moved and helped me save the cash to put down payments for the first years rent. After he moved to Manchester to be closer to his girlfriend, he just kept sending me money. To be honest, he pays about a third of the rent. My job couldn't ever pay well enough to keep me living here."

Charlie laughs at that, "Martyn's a great guy. I wonder what he thinks of everything that's happened. Or if he even knows much."

I shrug, mood dropping intensely, "I don't know. I'd rather not think about all that right now though, if it's all the same to you."

Just then Seth comes running in with a box of Charlie's, a huge excited grin on his face, "Oh my god! You listen to the Beatles!? You are literally my fucking Bae!"

Charlie's eyes widen as he laughs and the two enter into a very comical and animated conversation about the Beatles and all the music they like. This is a topic Seth can go on and on about so I take the opportunity to sneak away to my room and give Daisy a call. I quietly shut my door and toss my leather coat as I drop down on my bed, listening to the ring tone on my phone.

"Hello?" Her chipper voice comes through at last.

"Hey, you," I say, happy to talk to her again. "I just got in, feel like coming over tonight?"

"Sure! I've missed you like crazy. As if I'd pass up a night of cuddling up to you, babe," She giggles.

We chat for a bit and I explain that Charlie will be staying with me for a bit and she says it's fine and I tell her all about how Seth may very well be picking him up, and that makes her laugh. I tell her a lot of things, but for some reason every time I try to mention Jace, it feels like the words get stuck in my throat and I'm choking on them.

When I finally end the call and walk out into the living room, I see Seth and Charlie both leaning up against the kitchen counter; Seth trailing a finger down Charlie's chest as he begins to lean in towards Charlie, who looks very much into it as well. That all changes as Charlie's eyes flicker up to meet mine and his face turns red as he pulls quickly away from a now confused Seth.

"Er, hey Kai. Didn't see you there," He says awkwardly.

Seth sighs and turns to me, giving me a look that says 'Really? You couldn't have waited five more minutes?"

I smirk and shake my head at them, "If you two are going to make out, please take it to the spare room. Daisy will be here soon."

My comment does nothing for the state of Charlie's blushing cheeks, but Seth chuckles darkly and pulls Charlie close by the hip, "Note taken, bestie. Let's go make use of your new room, hmm hot stuff?"

Charlie rolls his eyes and brushes off Seth's hand as he walks past him, "Moment over, pervert. You missed your chance."

"Oh, I love it when you play hard to get, baby," Seth purrs, practically skipping as he follows Charlie, who damn near runs for his room and locks the door.

I know this because seconds later I can hear Seth knocking and whining for him to let him in so he can 'show him what a real man can do'. Or whatever he said to try and turn on Charlie. In reality, he sounds ridiculous. I can't help but laugh at their antics, but eventually Seth realizes Charlie isn't opening up and he comes out and drops across my lap on the couch, kicking his feet out like he owns the place.

"It's nice being home, huh?" He says with a smirk.

I dead pan and raise a brow at him, "Uh-huh. It would be, if you actually went to your home."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you wanted me to leave," Seth says, feigning offense.

I try to stay serious, but crack a smile eventually, unable to be serious around this fool, "Nah. You know you're always welcome here."

He smiles, but gets up anyway, "I should probably go, to be honest. Gotta make sure queen B hasn't broken into my home or something and stolen my underwear... you sure you're okay?"

The question surprises me for a minute, but I give him the best smile I can muster in my saddened mood and nod, "Yeah, I'll be fine Seth. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

He nods and ruffles my hair before throwing on his coat and shoes before walking out the door. Leaving me alone with my thoughts, which in reality is something I need, but not necessarily something I want. My thoughts don't always do great things for me. Especially when they drift towards a particular raven-haired man who gets my heart pumping far too easily.

**

Charlie stayed in his room for most of the night, only coming out to meet Daisy when she showed up about an hour after Seth left before returning to his room to unpack. Daisy and I spent our evening in the living room, watching movies. It was half way through the second movie, around one in the morning when she fell asleep next to me.

Guilt overwhelms me, because the whole time she asked about the trip I had so much to say, but Jace's name refused to seep past my lips. It's like I physically couldn't. I wanted to, and I knew I should because she deserved to know about him. But, it was like it wasn't possible, and I don't know what that says about me, but it truly makes me loathe myself.

Just then, I feel my phone vibrate, making me jump. Pulling it out, I nearly drop it to the floor at the site of the name lit up on my phone. Dread pooling in the pit of my stomach, I tap the notification and pull up my messages.

From: Jace

To: Kai

I know we have other people, and I know it was wrong to kiss you, and it's wrong that I can't find it in me to tell Jasper. But... I just want you to know, that no matter what you say to me or what you decide to do after all this... I don't regret kissing you. I'd never, because... because it's you, Kai. You're a part of me now, one way or another, and I don't know what to make of that, but I do know that I need you in some way. I love you, that's just a fact that will always be true. I just... I can't figure out in which way I'm meant to love you. xx

Tears fall from my eyes as I turn off my phone, leaving the text unanswered. I turn to cuddle into Daisy's warmth as pain radiates throughout my entire being. Through my bones, my veins, my heart. Right through to my god damn soul.

I can't figure it out either, Jace.

I do love you.

I just wish I didn't.   

~Shay<3