(Picture on the right is the one and only fabulous Seth <3)

(Title translation: The heart wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have)

July 30, 2022

"Charlie, would you quit pacing?" I groan for the millionth time.

"Does this shirt look okay?" He asks, completely ignoring me.

I roll my eyes and give him a Cheshire grin, "Are you trying to look good for him?"

A pillow is thrown at me instantly and I laugh as I run to dodge it, "Don't worry. Your look says 'I'm not trying too hard.' But also says 'Don't I look good enough to eat?'"

Charlie blushes a furious red as his eyes widen, "You think I look good enough to eat?"

I blush at that and clear my throat awkwardly, sputtering out nonsense about not meaning it like that when the door bell rings and we both jump out of our skins and quickly collect ourselves to answer the door. I hurry past the still fretting and slightly red Charlie and open the apartment door to see my attractive as ever friend.

"Oh, I must have got the wrong house. Last I checked my best friend wasn't this hot," He says, turning to leave.

I laugh and quickly grab him to drag him inside, "Shut up, Dork. You're late."

"Well, you know. Traffic, and work and-"

"And who distracted you?" I say, lifting a very judgmental brow.

"How do you always know there's a person!?" He asks, throwing his arms up in exaggeration.

I shake my head at him, "Because, I know you. Now who is she?"

He walks into the living room and sighs, "Okay, okay. So, I was leaving the building and there was this really hot chick waiting for a ride and I asked her if she needed a lift somewhere and then she may have--Oh! Well, hello hot stuff."

Seth cuts off the second he sees Charlie sitting there, fidgeting and looking awkward as hell under Seth's intense stare. Being the oblivious and overly friendly person he is, Seth waltzes on over and starts checking Charlie out; running a hand down his arm, playing with his Hair, even poking his pouty lower lip.

"Aw, well aren't you just precious. Kai, can I have him, please!? I'll be good, I promise!" Seth begs, practically throwing himself in Charlie's lap while Charlie gives me eyes which are clearly pleading for help.

I just laugh and laugh harder when Leah walks out and doesn't even look twice at what Seth is doing to poor Charlie as she walks past to the kitchen, "Hey, Seth. How's it going?"

"Hey, Lee-Lee! Pretty good, my sister still keeps bugging me to hook you guys up. Did you have to make out with her at the St.Patricks party? She's being hella annoying now!" He says as he pokes Charlie's cheek, who by now has completely given up and is just sitting there with a resigned look on his face, even though I know he's totally enjoying it.

Leah comes out, drinking straight from the orange juice jug as she laughs and shakes her head, "Don't you dare give her my number, Seth! I already had to get it changed because she wouldn't stop calling!"

"Well, maybe she wouldn't have gone all stalker on you if you hadn't made out with her? I warned you it would happen! Now I'm stuck with her!" Seth complains.

"Okay, well this has been fun, but Charlie, Seth and I are going out for a bit," I inform her, kissing her cheek before grabbing my coat and dragging Seth off of Charlie and out the door.

After running some errands for Jared and showing Seth around Reading; mostly places that I had stories about. Like school, my old house, Grams' house (who we paid a visit and stayed for a cup of tea... Jace was not there, thankfully. I learned he moved into his own flat somewhere across town) and then Seth decided he was hungry and ran off to some restaurant, so of course Charlie and I followed.

Once we are seated, I quickly place my coat beside me so that Charlie has to sit next to Seth, who appears far too happy about the idea. Charlie sends me a glare, but I just continue smiling cheekily at him like the little cupid piece of shit I am.

"So, Charlie... you're gay, right?" Seth asks during our meal.

I swear Charlie nearly chokes on his pasta, "I am, yes. You're straight I hear. Why are we pointing out the obvious?"

Seth chuckles and shrugs, sipping his water and sending me a little wink before he continues. Oh god, Seth. What are you going to do. "Well, that may have been the truth, but I certainly don't think straight around you."

Too smooth. I mean, are you even human?

Charlie seems to have regained his composure and leans forward with a smirk as he says, "I'd be careful, sweetheart. You may be a player, but in my world you're just a rookie and I'm the team captain."

I chuckle at the two of them as they banter back and forth, neither of them realizing how close they've gotten in the booth or how near to each other's faces they are. So, I decide to tell them. "Wow guys, way to third wheel me."

"Sorry, Kai-babe," Seth says with an innocent shrug.

Charlie more or less rolls his eyes at both of us and opens his mouth to say something, but then his eyes seem to wander a little behind me and I frown curiously as his face pales and his mouth shuts tight.

"What's wrong, Charlie?" I ask, and even Seth looks over at him with a frown.

He shakes his head too fast, "Er, nothing."

I don't believe him for a second, so I quickly turn in my seat to see what's bothering him and my eyes quickly narrow in on a familiar mop of black hair and crystal blue eyes. What's not familiar, is the handsome man sitting across from him, both of them laughing happily.

My heart sinks, and I can feel the blood rushing through my veins, my nerves shot from the anger and sadness I feel watching the two converse like two teenage lovebirds. My fists clench angrily around my cup of ice tea as the man reaches out and takes his hands into his own and gives him a flirty smirk, which to my chagrin, is returned.

"Kai... don't do anything st-" I think that's Charlie, but I can't be sure, as I am already up and making my way over to the table, plastering on a fake smile despite myself.

"Jace! What a coincidence running into you here!" I say with fake enthusiasm.

Both men look up at me, one confused and the other frozen in a state of shock and nervousness. I have to bite back a grin, because we both know he's been caught. After everything he said to me at the bridge and in the cemetery, after trying to kiss me more than once, he's here on a god damn date. Bastard.

"K-Kai! What are you doing here?" Jace stutters, looking between everyone before resting his eyes on me again.

"Oh, you know? Just catching lunch with my friend Seth here and Charlie. You remember Charlie, right? Your other ex? Just checking. I mean, it's been a while," I say in a sassy tone I didn't even know I could use. "How about you? Who is this lovely gentleman?"

"Other ex? Jace, who are these people?" The man says quietly, making Jace bite his lip nervously and send a slight glare my way.

"Uhm, Charlie is my ex from when I was in high school and... this is--this is Kai," Phil says, whispering the last part like it physically hurt him.

Something lights up in this mystery man's eyes as he looks between Jace and I with a certain gleam of understanding, before it's clouded over with a slight spark of jealousy. "Ah. Yes, Jace has told me about you, quite a lot actually. I'm Jasper, Jace's current boyfriend."

That's all it takes to feel yet another piece of my heart crack, the repairs I'd made slowly coming undone. "Oh, is that so?"

Jasper smiles happily as he nods and Jace looks like he's trying hard not to cringe away from me as he also nods, "Yes, we've been together for a while now."

I throw on the best smile I can, knowing I can't keep up this charade much longer as I say, "Lovely! Next time you guys come up to London you just have to come out for lunch with my girlfriend Daisy and I. We can catch up, and I'd love to get to know you, Jasper."

"Uh, y-yeah. That... would be nice," Jace says slowly, looking at me in complete confusion.

I shrug and start to turn away, "I'll let you get back to your date now, see you around Jace."

With that, I turn and practically storm out of the restaurant, shoving open the door and walking fast down the street until I am out of site of the front window before I yell out in anger and frustration, slamming my fist against the brick building.

How can he act so calmly like that? How can he have said anything he said to me, when all he planned to do was flaunt his new boyfriend around town. Did he think I wouldn't find out? Did he care? Did he care? I don't even know anymore. What the hell was that!? Why did he look so annoyed when I mentioned Daisy. I haven't lead him on, he has no right to be pissy here! He's the one making it look like he wants me back, but then this!? Doesn't he get that he's hurt me enough!?

"Kai? Hey! Calm down buddy, alright? Shh," Seth says, coming up to me slowly and wrapping me up in his arms comfortingly. "Just breathe, alright?"

I wrap my arms around him and grab his shirt in my fists as I bury my face against his shoulder, "I hate that fucker. I hate him so much. After everything he's done--everything he said to me. After trying to kiss me multiple times. When all along he had a fucking boyfriend!?"

Charlie comes up to us and I can see the slight pain in his eyes as well. Our eyes meet for mere seconds before I'm being hauled over into his arms and hugging the life out of him, trying to reign in my anger and confusing emotions. "I'm sorry. This all must be so shitty for you, too."

Charlie just shrugs, "Don't worry about me. I'm beyond over him, I just hate what he's doing to you. This isn't like him... at all."

I nod, "I hate that every time I look at him, I see the guy I loved, but he doesn't act like him anymore. He's not the same."

"Hey now! You two! The ones on the one way to depressionville express, pull yourselves together. Kai, you always said that you would give anything just for him to be alive, even if he wasn't yours. Well, you got that wish. If shit doesn't work out, well I am sorry, but that's how things roll in life. You still have me, and Charlie, and Daisy and a bunch of other people. You have a great job with tons of fans. People adore you! If Jace isn't willing to give you proper answers and give you the closure you need, fuck him. It's his loss and you shouldn't let him ruin you like this, because you deserve better. He's being a dick, so treat him like a dick. Tell him to fuck off and go to hell and he can take his fugly boy toy with him!" Seth rants, throwing his arms in the air animatedly as he paces.

We're all silent for a moment before a snicker escapes me and then within seconds we're all in fits of laughter. "I think that's the first and last time I'll ever hear you sound so serious!"

"Don't get used to it! That was almost painful!" Seth chuckles, throwing an arm around both Charlie and I as he walks us away from the restaurant. "Now, let's go see what kind of trouble I can get into while I'm here."

**

"Explain to me again why we're doing this?" I ask monotonously.

Seth grins and throws his arms up, "We are doing this, Kailas because you need to cheer up and it's a decent enough excuse to see Charlie boy here all hot and sweaty. I mean, yum!"

"You make switching sexuality's look so easy," Charlie says with a lifted brow and poorly disguised smirk.

I had received a text from Jared saying he was hosting a little football game for some of the kids he teaches out on the fields by our old school. It was kind of nostalgic when I first entered, but it quickly faded when I realized most of my memories were miserable and painful. So, like the miserable shit I was and still am, I sat out and watched as Seth and Charlie stripped off their shirts and ran out to play along side the kids.

I laugh, watching Seth fail seeing as he's more preppy and clean than he likes to let on. While Charlie actually kicks ass. I burst out laughing just as Seth goes to kick the ball and actually misses, completely tripping over his own two feet and wiping out. Charlie almost falls over laughing before running over and helping him up, which Seth quickly takes advantage of, pushing their sweaty chests together and winking playfully at Charlie before skipping off like nothing happened.

Charlie turns to me and gives me a 'what the actual hell?' look and I just laugh and shake my head. It's so obvious that Charlie likes Seth, which I really don't understand other than the fact Seth is hot as hell; his personality is simply too much for me. At least relationship wise. He's a good friend, that's for certain. I'd be lost without him now just as much as I would be if I lost Leah or Zoe.

Just then, I hear the gate to the school open behind me and a few more kids run in, and soon I'm being bulldozed by two people. One adult sized, and one not so much. I laugh and tumble off the bleacher as I look up into the faces of two of my favourite girls. Zoe and Ollie.

"Uncle Kai! Are you here to watch the game, too!?" Ollie asks, jumping up and down and I notice the little bag of candy in her hand and laugh.

"Yup! My two oversized dorks are playing with the kids," I say, pointing out Seth and Charlie.

Olivia practically plants herself in my lap to watch the game as Zoe takes a seat next to me, smiling at me, "Sup, Kai-bear?"

I shrug, "Not too much, I got dragged here and I'm kind of waiting for permission to go home and return to my laptop."

Zoe laughs at me and we chat pleasantly as we watch the game. Today she had taken Olivia out shopping for some new clothes and the little trouble maker had talked her mother into buying her candy and was now hyped up and probably wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon. She's practically bouncing on my legs as she cheers on the boys and girls.

"Mummy? After this can we go visit uncle Jace? He promised I can play Mario kart next time and it's next time!" Olivia asks innocently, but I feel my heart ache in my chest.

"Uhm, not today sweetie. Let's just hangout with uncle Kai today, alright?" Zoe says to Ollie before turning to me with a frown. "Come on, I saw the look. What happened today?"

I sigh and look up at the cloudy sky, "I ran into him at the restaurant downtown with Seth and Charlie."

Her brows furrow in confusion as she tries to figure out the problem, "Okay, so what went wr-"

"He was on a date. With Jasper," I say, turning to look at her pointedly. "You didn't tell me about this Jasper."

Zoe groans and slumps in her seat as she grumbles something under her breath, "Look. Jace and this Jasper guy have apparently been this on and off thing for the past few years. Last I heard, they were off, I didn't know they were on again. If I did, I'd have warned you. Please don't be mad at me for this, I just got back some brownie points dangit!"

I laugh, but it's weak. So, that's it. They've been together on and off for a few years. Perhaps this Jasper guy has a lot to do with why Jace never came after me. Maybe he didn't really have a fear of interrupting my life, maybe he just moved on and decided to keep his own life simpler.

That very thought has my heart physically hurting so bad I feel like I can't breathe.

I quickly stand up, placing Ollie in her mother's lap as I hurry to excuse myself, needing to just be alone so I can get my shit together. I hate when I get like this. I feel so weak, like I'm back to the way I was when I was a pathetic teenager, unable to do anything for himself. To afraid to face life and the crap it throws at me. Unable to cope and just letting myself fall to pieces rather than holding myself together, at least for the sake of appearances.

I run into the bathroom and rush to the sink, twisting the tap to splash cool water on my face, erasing any evidence of tears that may have escaped. I can't keep breaking down like this. I'm a man now, and this shit happens to people. You run into ex's and have to face the fact that they are happier than you yourself. Although--for the record--I don't think many people's boyfriend's are found happier after you believe them to be dead.

Once I feel my nerves have calmed and I'm not at risk of another melt down over all the crap spinning around in my head, I fix myself up in the mirror and prepare my self to go back out and join my friends, but my phone decides it's a good time to ring.

I quickly press the answer button without checking the ID, a bad habit, "Hello?"

"Hey babe! How's it going?" It's Daisy.

I begin walking out of the bathroom, looking down as I swipe the water on my hands onto my jeans, "Things are alright, I might-"

The second I look up, I find myself running right into a wall of person and next thing I know we're both tumbling down, my phone thrown ahead and our bodies colliding awkwardly on the ground. I cough, trying to collect myself as I lift my face from whoever I've run into's chest and my blood runs cold when I find myself mere inches from those damn sky-blue eyes.

I can hear Daisy's voice coming through my phone a couple feet away, but my attention is transfixed on Jace, and his on I. I'm practically straddling him, laying across his chest, one hand on his shoulder, the other braced against the ground next to his face. His eyes keep flickering down to my lips and I feel them part without my permission, but soon my eyes are focusing in on his lips as well.

His hands are locked on my waist, holding me in place, not that he needs to, because for some reason I just can't move. I can't help but take in his beauty right now, so imperfect, the way his hair got messed up as he fell, how his cheeks are slightly flushed, his lips slightly chapped, but still soft looking. His shirt is ridden up slightly, and I know this because my lower stomach is pressed gently against his. My entire body aches for him and I'm not entirely sure what it wants from him first. This indecision just worsens my frozen state.

It's when he whispers those stupid words, that I come undone, "I got you, Baby."

I lose all control and eagerly lean forward with a sort of desperation, wanting to claim his lips with my own, unable to deny my need for him any longer.  

~Shay<3