July 29, 2022

I smile at Jace as he holds the coffee shop door for me as we exit the familiar building. We had sat across the room from a very specific table for very specific reasons, but other than that, it had been pleasant. The way two old friends catching up is supposed to be. Even if we didn't talk all that much. We'd both been rather lost in thought to be quite honest.

Walking down the street, I look up from the pavement and see a building standing tall a little ways down. Seeing it now, I get shivers at the thought of what I nearly did to myself all those years ago. If I could go back in the past, I'd make my past self realize that things always get better, that hanging on is the best decision I'd ever make, no matter how much pain came with that decision, the happy moments in my future would make it all so worth it.

A tug on my sleeve pulls my attention back and I look over and see Jace looking up at that building as well, a thoughtful look in his eyes before they shift to me and he gives me a happy smile while speaking softly, "I'm glad you didn't."

There's no need to ask what he means, because I understand and he knows this when all I do is nod. Not even thinking about it, I take his hand in mine and twine our fingers together loosely. It's not a romantic gesture, but... more of a need to feel him. Make sure he's still here. Or maybe, to make sure I'm not alone.

"Remember that night, just before we got the news of your mum?" He says, looking off down the street as we walk casually, not in a hurry to get anywhere.

I nod with a hint of a smile, "Yeah. We were playing video games and messing about like kids."

He laughs at this, "That's when I knew I had really started to like you, in a non-friend way... because when we were wrestling and I fell on top of you... I wanted to kiss you."

I blush and chuckle lightly, "Honestly, I hadn't realized that I was gay at that point, but I wouldn't have stopped you if you had. I wanted it too, I was just confused as to why I wanted it."

He sobers up and sighs, "I miss those days. When things weren't as complicated. Hard as hell, sure. But... at least we were okay."

"You're doing it again, Jace," I mutter sadly.

"Well, I'm sorry! Okay? I miss us! I miss you!" He exclaims in frustration.

I stop and yank my hand away from him in anger, "Then perhaps you shouldn't have left me, Jace! Maybe you should have given us a fighting chance! Maybe you shouldn't have lied about being dead for the past eleven years!"

He frowns sadly, guilt seeping into his eyes in the form of tears, "I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry, Kai."

"Then don't say it anymore, because I don't want to hear it," I sigh, turning and walking away.

I'm only a few feet away when I hear him sniffle and choke out one more apology, With a sigh I look back and soften my gaze, the guilt tearing at my heart strings, "I didn't mean to snap... I'm sorry, I just--"

He shakes his head and wipes away the tears that have escaped, "No, I deserve it."

Feeling guilty as hell, even though I probably shouldn't, I shrug and hold out my hand to him once more, "Let's forget about it for now... will you come somewhere with me? It would mean a lot."

He says nothing, but takes my hand anyway and I can't help but smile sadly at him as we walk on in silence.

Walking into the cemetery, I feel terrible that I not only left behind the living, but the non-living. I'd promised my mom I would come back and visit. I should have come home sooner, at least for her. Feeling like a terrible son, I lead Jace through the maze of grave stones until we come to a stop at hers.

I sit indian style beside it, and after a moment of looking awkward, Jace joins me. He stares at the stone with a sad gleam in his eyes before reaching out and running his fingers over the engraved letters. "I wish I could have met her."

I smile and look at her name, "She was great... well, before Marcus got to her."

"Ever hear from him?" He asks.

I shake my head, "Not since the day I left home. Good riddance, too."

We stay quiet for a while and even though it's kind of awkward, it's kind of nice at the same time. I want Jace to be here with me... last time I came I had been so alone and broken. Just as I think about saying something, Jace starts speaking.

"Ms. Harkins, I'd just like to personally thank you for blessing this world by giving us Kai. He's incredible and I think you'd be really proud of the person he is today." He says softly, not meeting my gaze. "I hope you can forgive me for doing wrong by him... but, everything I did... was because I love him."

"Jace... what are you-"

"He didn't take care of himself when he was too busy worrying about me. When I was told I didn't have long... I thought I was doing what was right by letting him go. He had a life ahead of him, I didn't. So, in my mind it was best to remove myself before I screwed up his life like I had with the last person who tried to care for me," He continues. "I wanted him to live happily, and I felt like he couldn't as long as I was holding him back."

"That should have been my decision," I whimper, biting my lip hard enough to bleed. "You didn't give me freedom. You took away my options."

He actually turns to me this time and I don't believe I've ever seen him look so sad, "Kai... you have no idea how badly I wanted to see you again. How much it hurt to let you go. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was wrong. I just ended up hurting us both, but I was scared that what happened to Charlie would happen to you, too."

I shake my head, "Please, just tell me the truth."

"Are you sure?" He asks.

I nod, "I'm ready... what happened after I went to London?"

Sighing sadly, he turns so he can face me and clasps his hands together nervously, "In the beginning, I really had thought I only had a few years left. The diagnosis was real, and the reasons I sent you away were real. It was about six months later and my health was declining rapidly and they had said I'd be lucky to make it another year at the rate the cancer was progressing. They continued the chemo treatments, but it only seemed to be slowing the disease."

I stay quiet, listening intently, actually extremely curious as to how the hell he is sitting before me today when his odds were so slim.

"My parents were frantic and began searching for other solutions. Melanie's family, if you remember her, helped financially despite the fact I turned down their daughter, and eventually they heard of a hospital in the U.S that had had high success rates in cancer treatment. A few specifically and mine had been on the list," He explains. "By the end of November I was being flown overseas and began treatment there. It seemed nearly hopeless when a month later there was no difference, but one day, the xrays showed that spreading and growth had ceased. Two months after that the chemo finally began doing it's job... I'm not sure how much time passed after that, but eventually I was sent home, deemed to be in remission once again."

Anger sweeps through me, "Then why didn't you find me? You knew where I was. Why di-"

"I was scared. They... they said that I wasn't in the clear unless I make it past five years of complete remission. Chances of the cancer returning were likely, especially with the stage I had been at. People almost never come back from that, Kai... I was lucky," He whispers the last part, voice breaking as tears fill his eyes. "I decided that I'd keep my recovery hidden until I was sure the cancer wouldn't come back, because how cruel would it be to drag you back with false hope, only to have the cancer return and go through everything all over again."

I nod, trying hard to understand despite the hurt and anger I feel, "Okay... so five years pass, why didn't you come?"

A tear trickles down his cheek as he looks up at me, "The doctor told me that there was no trace of the cancer at the time, so although he couldn't say I was cured, he could say chances of it returning were slim. So... I decided that I would get myself together a bit and then... look for you. I missed you so much and I'd been so worried when I finally ran into Zoe at the hospital... to say she was shocked to see me was putting it lightly, but she'd told me she hadn't heard from you in nearly four years."

Looking down in shame I hide my eyes behind my fringe, "I... I had a hard time and everything from home made me think of you. Like i said, I cut off all communication... then I moved so I wouldn't be found."

He sighs, "Well...at that point I was afraid that if I did show up, you'd push me away, too. I was scared that maybe you'd moved on and were with someone by then, or... I don't know. I wavered back and forth, trying to decide what I should do. Find you and possibly interrupt the life you've managed to build for yourself when you might not even want me in it anymore, or... leave you be and live the life I made you leave for in the first place."

"Clearly you chose the second option like a damn idiot," I mutter angrily, fingers gripping at the grass beneath me angrily. "How could you think I'd moved on from you in just five years? I hadn't been with anyone then at all! I'd been trying to get my shit together on my own! Believe me, no one could put up with the person I'd been those first years. I have no idea how Jared and Leah stuck by me."

"Then?" He asks, suspiciously.

Out of all I said, he picks up on the past tense of my being single? Typical. "What made you decide, Jace?"

He sighs and looks up at the sky thoughtfully, "I was sat in my car, ready to come find you, needing you back so badly... and then I turned the radio on, and heard your beautiful voice coming through. I listened to the whole radio show and... you sounded so good. You were amazing."

My cheeks at this point are burning with embarrassment. I had no idea he had actually heard me. I never actually stopped to think that people from my past have probably heard me talk on there.

"You sounded professional and older and... like you were okay. That's when I turned the car off and decided it was best to just... live and let live. Who knew what might happen if I jumped back into your life. I didn't want to ruin anything for you, or hurt you, or... I don't know, I was afraid and so I chose to just stay alone and make a life for myself here, on my own."

I'd fought them back the whole time, but the second I realize he's finished telling his story, the tears break through and begin pouring down my cheeks. "You're such a fucking idiot, Jace. I was not fine! It was a job! It's called acting! You thought I was fine!? You think I'm fine now!? I'm a mess of a person and you just left me. You didn't have to come back to my life, but a 'hello, I'm not fucking dead' would have been nice!"

I jump to my feet and quickly press a kiss to my fingers and press them to my mother's grave stone before giving Jace one last disgusted look and turning away. "I need to think about shit. I don't know what to say about any of this, so it's best if you just leave me alone for a while."

He doesn't follow this time, and every step I take, my feet feel heavier, but I force them forward anyway. No matter how much I want to just run back to him, I'm better than that. It's not that I want him to chase after me, I just thought that he would. He used to. He did at the bridge. Maybe... maybe he doesn't care like he used to. Or maybe he's giving up...

That realization has the breath hitching in my throat as I quickly run the rest of the way out of the cemetery and fumble with my phone, tapping Leah's name in my contacts.

"-Kai?"

"I'm at the cemetery... please come get me, " I cry into the phone.

She answers softly and quickly hangs up, pulling up not even ten minutes later.

**

After getting home, not really able to speak coherently without being choked by emotions running rampant inside, Jared hurried me off to his room to sit with me until I calmed down enough. I sat with his arm around my shoulders for a good hour before we both became silent and I could find the air to breathe and speak again.

"He's a fucking idiot," I whisper. "Always thinking he knows best. Well, this time he was wrong."

Jared sighs, equally annoyed with Jace as I am, "I can't believe he'd do something like that to you. I mean, how is it okay to let you go on thinking he's dead? Sure he didn't want to interrupt your life, but he could have found a way to tell you he's around. Told you straight up he can't be in your life anymore. Fucking jerk. "

I sniff, hating that I both agree and want to tell Jared not to speak of Jace like that, "I had hoped that there really was some big reason, or something got in the way of his coming back to me, but... he just didn't try. He left me alone, like he promised he wouldn't."

The door creaks open just then, and a very cautious Leah peaks in and gives me a sad smile, "Everything okay in here?"

I begin to nod, before changing my mind and just dropping my head into my hands again, curling into Jared's hug, "I wish I never came back, Lee. I'd rather have not known the truth and still been able to imagine him as the person I knew. The person I loved."

"He's still that person, Kai. Jace has just made a lot of mistakes over the years, but he's still the same person. The same selfless person who put what he thought was best for you before his own wants. He just didn't realize that his wants were your needs. Everything's a mess, but he's still the same Jace. Just a little more grown up," Leah says softly, cuddling up next to me while she gently runs her fingers through my hair in the calming way she knows I like.

Nodding, I lean into her and think about Jace. She's right, he is grown up. As am I. A lot has happened to me over the years, and there's no saying that just as much didn't happen to Jace. What did he do after those first five years? There's a six year blank that I wish I could desperately learn more about. Did he work? Did he study? Did he travel? Did he meet knew people? Date?... Fall in love?

As much as it tears at my heart, I can't be selfish enough to believe I own his heart this many years later. Even I have someone else, even if I've had to work hard to build up the affections. Oh god, Daisy. What will I even tell her? This isn't just some ex coming back from the past. This is a used to be dead, ex from the past. One I never even had a fair chance to get over, because when someone you love dies, you don't try to get over them. You just live with the lack of their presence and continue loving them, holding onto their memory in fear that the slightest details will be forgotten slowly.

Now he's back, and I don't know how to feel. I never let go, but can I actually love someone I hardly know anymore? Should that over ride what I have with Daisy? What if he doesn't even feel anything for me anymore? What if he's bothered by this whole ordeal. I mean, he didn't even want me to come back in the first place, he wanted me to go live a life without him. What am I even doing debating relationships when I am in one!

Groaning, I flop back on the bed and wish I could be smothered to death by the blankets.

"Kai, you need to talk to someone, and it's not me. It's not Jared, or Charlie, or even Seth, " Leah says, staring at me earnestly. "You know who you need right now, and I know how badly you want to avoid this, but you can't anymore. It's not fair."

I look at her, and the paper she's now holding out to me, knowing exactly who she's talking about, and hating her for being right. Sure, Leah has been my crutch all these years. Jared's been wonderful emotional support. Seth, well Seth has figured out more about me than I care to share and always knows how to calm me when I'm panicked and frantic. None of them however, were who I really needed right now.

Dreading what I have to do, and feeling heavy from the emotional crap thrown at me today, I leave the room without a word and proceed to pull on my jacket and shoes, stopping only when I look up to see a very sad looking Charlie.

"I eavesdropped on your conversation with Jared," He confesses, but I can't find it in me to be angry, so I just nod for him to continue. "Before I left for New York, back when you were in the hospital. I made Jace promise not to do to you what he did to me. When I said that, I wasn't referring to dragging you through the difficult journey he'd be going through... I meant for him not to leave you like he left me. I didn't want him to take off and leave you wondering what you did wrong... I know how it hurts."

Tears sting at my eyes when I realize how honestly sweet a person Charlie is and just how damaged he himself still is. Not even thinking twice, I pull him into a tight hug and peck his cheek with a sad smile before thanking him and hurrying out the door, explaining that I'd like to talk to him when I get back, but I need to see someone before it gets too late.

With that, I'm out the door and hurrying down the street. With each step, dread slowly turns into excitement. I need to do this, it's only right.

Soon I'm standing before a door, double checking the words and numbers on the little slip of paper Leah had given me, before knocking a couple times and stepping back to wait anxiously. Moments pass and I can feel my heart pounding nervously. Please... answer.

The door opens within seconds of my short prayer, "Well, well. I was wondering when you'd show up." 

~Shay<3