August 7, 2022

I wake to the sound of hushed voices and the smell of hand sanitizer. At first I'm delirious and confused as to where on earth I am and why my arms feel like they're weighed down and why I have a funny taste in my mouth and why people are talking around me while I'm trying to sleep and why there is some incessant beeping. Then, it all comes flooding back and my eyes are snapping open.

Once I focus in on the noise around me, I realize the room is a cacophony of anger and drama. What on earth happened after I passed out? On one side of me, there's Jace and Jasper and Leah all whispering, but only barely and I can see Leah's face becoming red with frustration. On the other side, I see Charlie and Seth, both throwing their arms about angrily, speaking quietly but from the way they practically hiss in each other's faces, I can tell nothing good is happening over there. I try to sit up, but my body suddenly feels like it weighs a ton.

"Kai," Leah suddenly says, seeing me struggling to comprehend everything.

Everyone's conversations stop and suddenly all five of them are there around me with concern etched deep in their expressions. Jace is the first to speak, "How are you?"

I lick my dry lips before speaking, but my voice sounds rough, "I feel like shit."

"We're not supposed to be in here, but we snuck in long enough to make sure you were okay," Seth says, with a smirk, but I can see the indifferent look in his eyes.

He's upset with me, and I don't blame him.

"Seth-"

He shakes his head, "I called Daisy for you. I'm going to head over and inform B that you'll be on sick leave for a day or two. Feel better, yeah?"

With that, he turns and leaves, shrugging off Charlie's hand when he tries to stop him. I frown and bite my lip to stop myself from letting too much emotion show. This is my fault. I made my bed, time to lay in it. Face the music. All the stupid damn metaphors for dealing with the consequences of your stupid decisions.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Do you... remember yesterday?" Charlie asks quietly.

I sigh and push myself into a sitting position, not without struggle, "I remember everything up until I blacked out. I don't know what happened from there, obviously."

Charlie's cheeks turn bright red as he awkwardly takes a seat at the end of my bed. Jace does the same on the other side while Leah and Jasper stand off, neither looking at each other or at me. What could have happened there?

Jace frowns and I stiffen when his hand bumps my leg as he sits, "We don't have clear answers on what happened to you yet, but after you collapsed, Seth called for an ambulance, but they took too long so I carried you to Jasper's car and he drove us to A&E. They brought you in and insisted on keeping you over night, but haven't told us anything because they need to wait for a relative or something of the sort. That's why we're waiting on, uh, Daisy."

I frown at the mention of Daisy, "Fuck. She doesn't need to deal with this. Couldn't one of you have just lied?"

I fell back on the bed, throwing an arm over my face to block out the bright lights, "And please turn those lights off. My head is killing me."

Charlie quickly jumps up to turn off the light and just then the doctor strolls in with none other then Daisy. The look on her face says it all. She's disappointed, she's worried, she's upset, but most of all she's relieved I'm okay. I almost smile as her tiny ass self sprints across the room and throws herself into my arms. "Don't ever scare me like that again you jerk! Seth called and said you were in the hospital without any information! I thought you were dead or dying!"

I smile and hug her back, "Nah. Takes a bit more than this to kill me, trust me."

Jace frowns at that and steps away from the bed, being pulled into Jasper's arms only slightly unwillingly. Our eyes meet and I know for that split second we are both brought back to that day he found me half dead on my bedroom floor. We both know what kind of hell we can both endure. It was like a silent understanding between us that there is no such thing as an accident with me. I knew the risks and I took them. I have to tear away my eyes before my emotions get the better of me.

"Only two at a time guys, I'm sorry," The doctor says as he flips through the notes on his clipboard.

I clear my throat and speak without meeting anyone's eyes, especially Daisy's," Daisy needs to be here... but, could Jace stay?"

To be honest, I feel obscenely vulnerable and all I want is Jace's comforting presence. I haven't been this confused and lost and scared since... back then. I just want him to hold me and comfort me and tell me I'll be okay. Like he used to.

Jasper pecks Jace's cheek and shoots me a strange look before exiting with Charlie and Leah. The doctor quickly pulls up a chair and takes a deep breath before speaking directly to me, "The cause of your black out was a mixture of things that ultimately took a tole on your body."

I nod, feeling like I know where he is going and wishing he would just stop now.

"Your liver reacted poorly to the sudden amount of alcohol and you're lucky it didn't fail. You were warned about this the last time you were put into rehab, I'm sure."

I nod again, ignoring the shocked expressions on both Jace and Daisy's faces.

"Secondly, drinking on an empty stomach is one thing, but you were slightly malnourished. When was the last time you ate a proper meal?"

I take a deep shaky breath before whispering, "Three days ago."

"Your body needs proper nutrition to function, and poisoning it with alcohol while starving it is a recipe for disaster. On top of that, it is incredibly unwise to mix alcohol while on medication."

"Kai isn't on any medication anymore, though, "Daisy says innocently, making me cringe in guilt.

Tears flood my eyes as I speak despite how much it hurts, "I recently went back on my anti-depressants. I've been suffering from panic attacks... I meant to tell you."

"Kai..." She says quietly, giving me a sad look as she takes my hand in hers.

"We had to pump your stomach last night, but there have been no complications with your liver. You're lucky this time. We just need to survey you for a while longer and then you'll be discharged. I recommend though that you start attending therapy again for a while. It says you have a history of disorders and if anything has triggered them, causing them to resurface, talking it out may help you through it," The doc says before checking a few machines and leaving us be.

"You're not eating again? When did this happen?" Jace asks, sounding agonized.

"I'm sorry, but who are you exactly?" Daisy asks politely.

"Daisy... there's something I've been meaning to tell you," I sigh.

She looks between us in confusion before her eyes widen in shock and realization, "Holy cow. You're him, aren't you? Jace. Like, Jace from the story."

"Yeah, I guess I am," He says awkwardly.

She shakes her head in disbelief, "But, how-"

"I'll explain later, alright?" I tell her and she nods with a frown.

"Now. Back to the important thing here. Why aren't you eating, Kai?" Jace pushes.

I don't meet his gaze and I don't bother to look at Daisy's expression, afraid to see how she's reacting to all this. I just want to disappear. To crawl into some hole and not exist in this very moment. Last night was a major mistake, I feel horrible about it. Can't we just leave it at that? No, probably not because life fucking hates me.

"It wasn't on purpose. Not really," I begin. "I've just been kind of stressed out and I don't know it just always slipped my mind or I didn't feel hungry I guess."

"What about the panic attacks?" Daisy asks softly.

I shrug and bite my lip to hold back a frown, "I've been having nightmares again. That and... I don't know, being back in Reading brought back a lot of repressed shit. I'll get over it though. I always do. I'm fine so you can both quit worrying, okay?"

They both fall silent and Daisy just nods before leaning forward and pecking my cheek sweetly, "I'm going to go grab a coffee, okay? I worked a night shift and then came right here, I need the pick me up if I'm going to stay with you."

Jace clears his throat awkwardly, "Er, you can head home to rest if you like. I-I'll look after him. Make sure he gets home."

I nod, looking from Jace back to Daisy, "Honestly Dai, I'm alright. Once I get out of here I'm just going to go home and sleep anyway. You might as well go get some rest. Stop by my flat tomorrow if you like, alright?"

She looks conflicted for a moment before nodding and hugging me tightly, whispering a few words of comfort. What she does next surprises me, and I think Jace too, as she walks around the bed and pulls him in for hug.

"Thank you for taking care of him.... then and now. I owe you a lot," She says with a pleasant smile before taking her leave.

Once the door closes, Jace comes over and sits on the edge of my bed again, giving me a small smile, "She's nice."

"Yeah, she is. Makes me wonder what she's doing with someone like me," I mutter, closing my eyes against the sun filled room.

We fall into an awkward, and yet comfortable silence. Awkward, because we aren't used to each other anymore and there is so much left unspoken between us still, but comfortable because... it's Jace. Jace is home and it's always going to be that way. I've given up hope of ever living a life where his presence isn't key to completing my happiness.

"Why'd you do it, Kai?" He asks quietly after a while.

I smirk, "Do what? I did a lot of things last night."

He smirks at me, rolling his eyes,"Okay then, let's start with why did you drink?"

I shrug with a sigh, "Because I'm weak and I can't handle shit like a normal person. Finding out you're alive, you're with someone, Mr. Hughes is dead... all the tension, the mixed emotions. I don't know. I snapped. That's all there really is to say about it."

He nods and slowly reaches forward to trace his fingers along my open palm, "Understandable in a sense... what about kissing Charlie?"

I snicker at that, running my spare hand over my face as I groan, "That was a lot of pent up sexual frustration being let out on the wrong person. However, he is not a bad kisser."

Jace laughs and pushes my shoulder playfully, "That's my ex you creep. Do you know how weird it was to see my two ex-boyfriends making out... like that!? I mean, who would have thought that you two, the two guys who absolutely hated each other at one point, would ever be caught lip locked."

I shrug with a chuckle, "Stranger shit has happened... like people coming back from the dead."

He gives me a sly smirk, but shakes his head with a sad sigh, "You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"Probably not," I say with an actually smile. "Jace... I do love you. I don't think it's possible for me to not. But... I can't play this back and forth game with you. We did well as friends in the beginning, and right now I need my friend Jace more than I need my ex-boyfriend Jace."

He nods, looking at me sadly as though urging me to continue.

"There's no chance of us being together, at least not anytime soon. I have a commitment to Daisy, and you have Jasper. Things are complicated enough without us trying to mix feelings into the mess. We're just going to ruin things further and possibly hurt good people. I think... I want to try being your friend... but, only that. If you'll let me," I say, somehow keeping my voice steady compared to the turmoil stirring in my heart.

"I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing at all. When you left for London, and I thought you'd turned your back on me for good... that terrified me, Kai. I don't quite enjoy my life as much without you in it," He tells me and I smile.

"Okay. So... just friends?" I say, nibbling my lip.

He smiles that lovely crooked smile and says, "Just friends."

For now, I like the sound of that.

Feeling like a weight has been lifted from my chest, I smile and stretch out a bit, "Great. So, as my friend, would you do me the favor of texting Charlie and telling him to meet us back at my flat? I think I should talk to him... more so about Seth."

"Why Seth?" He asks curiously.

I sigh and glance to the window on my right, "Seth is... complicated. I mean, he's a great person, but he has some serious commitment issues and the fact that he was getting so worked up about Charlie and avoiding him... and then he sees Charlie kissing me? I'm afraid I just worsened his fear of getting close to people."

"You can't blame yourself for that. He'll get over it once you explain everything. It's not like anything's going on between you and Charlie... is there?" He asks, eyes narrowing.

"God no! I still have Daisy, remember?" I chuckle.

He smiles and nods, but then furrows his brow, "Speaking of which. You said something about a lot of pent up sexual frustration... haven't you-"

I thank my lucky stars that the doctor chose this moment, the perfect moment, to walk in and interrupt Jace asking me a question I did not want to answer. I have always found a way around that question and I would continue doing so.

"Well, Kailas, it looks like you're good to go. I recommend you come back for regular check ups just to make sure your vitals are fine and your keeping at a healthy weight, but other than that, you're all set to go home," The doctor said and came over to remove my IV and whatnot.

Jace helps me out of the room, seeing as my body still feels somewhat weak, as we make our way down the hall. What we find in the waiting room, however, was not a group full of happy friends. No, Leah is sitting awkwardly in the corner, texting on her phone. Jasper is all the way down a row from her, looking bored out of his mind, and Seth and Charlie are standing in the centre, yelling angrily at one another.

"I will say it one last time. You do not get to ignore me all week and then freak out on me for something like this! Firstly, it was just Kai! Secondly, you gave me pretty clear signals you weren't interested!" Charlie growls.

Seth steps closer to him, face contorted in an anger I've only seen on a couple of occasions, "I had my reasons you absolute asshat! If I hadn't been interested, I would have fucking said so, and I certainly wouldn't have agreed to a second date! I'm an ass, but I don't lead people on! I'm straight up about what the hell I want, alright!? And you were what I wanted, right up until you proved to be like every other fucker out there! Untrustworthy!"

"Real rich coming from the player himself!" Charlie shouts.

"I may sleep around, but I've never fucking cheated. I don't play that way. I sleep with someone, and when I'm done, I'm done and they know it before I move on. I don't let them know by letting them catch me with my tongue down someone else's throat!" Seth shouts.

I can see the frantic look in his eyes and know it's time to step in. I quickly pull from Jace and dash in between them, "Would you two calm the fuck down!? You're making a scene."

I let out a deep breath of air and turn on Seth, "Look. I'm really sorry about what happened. I didn't mean for my shit to get in between the two of you. It was an accident and nothing is going on."

He looks at me and then Charlie, and then me again before sighing, "Kai... jesus stop making it hard to be pissed at you."

I smirk and shrug, "Nah. I'd rather be the pain in the ass you can't get rid of."

He glares at Charlie for a moment before turning his eyes to me, softening them a bit, "You owe me lunch and an explanation."

"Done," I say immediately.

Charlie opens his mouth to say something, but Seth quickly snaps at him, "I'm still not speaking to you. I get Kai's side, because to be honest he's kind of fucked up lately-"

"Yeah, I am right here, " I deadpan, but he continues as though he never heard me.

"But, you? You don't have a good enough excuse. I don't let many people in, and you just reminded me why," He says coldly.

With that, Seth turns to me, bringing me in for a tight hug before waving at Leah and walking out of the hospital like the fabulous soul he is. Butt swaying, back straight, and head held high. God, I wish I had his confidence. Then maybe I'd be less of a wreck.

Charlie frowns sadly and I try to say something to comfort him, but he just shakes his head and lowers his voice a little, "It's okay, Kai. If Jace is going to get you home, I'll see you later, yeah? I'm going to go out for a bit and get some air."

I just nod sadly and watch as he exits the hospital, looking more sad and gloomy than anyone I've seen in a long time. Enough so to compete with me and that's saying something if we're being honest.

Jasper is the one to break the silence and for some reason, that really irritates me, "Well, Jace? Should we be going?"

Jace looks awkwardly between Jasper and I before clearing his throat and shaking his head, "Uh, I was going to bring Kai home, actually. Make sure he gets there okay and is comfortable. I kind of promised Daisy I'd get him there safely."

"Oh," Jasper says in a strange tone. "Well, I'll just head back to our hotel room then. See you in a bit."

With that, Jasper pulls Jace in for a kiss, but for some reason, Jace turns just enough that it lands at the corner of his lips and then Jasper is walking away, looking slightly tense. Well... that wasn't awkward at all.

"Okay, well, I'm going to go make sure Seth isn't going on a man whore rampage over everything, see you two ladies around," Leah says, patting my shoulder as she leaves us.

Ah, Leah. Ever the emotionally invested, caring best friend. I smile to myself as she non-chalantly makes her exit, looking as calm and collected and strangely innocent as ever. For someone so sweet looking, she sure could have a cold bite. I wouldn't trade her for anything though, she's been an incredible friend to me these past years.

"You ready to go?" Jace asks, but I can see that something is bothering him, he looks edgy.

"Yeah... are you okay?" I ask curiously.

He throws a smile my way as well as an arm around my shoulder, "Of course. Come on, let's get you home. You look exhausted."

I decide to drop it for now, not wanting to push the boundaries of our newly formed 'just friends' thing. When he's ready to tell me, he'll tell me what's going on. He always has and no matter what's happened between us, I trust him to trust me with his problems as he always has. That's how we work. No matter what it is, we help each other through it. It's the unspoken agreement that has been there from the very beginning.

**

Okay, so I didn't expect the awkward silence that would ensue once we were alone in my flat. The echoing of our footsteps and breaths in the open space was making me anxious and I only now realized, I didn't know how to act with Jace without being loving. I'd spent more of our time together being his boyfriend than just his friend. I had to keep reminding myself that holding his hand and looking into his eyes for too long and biting my lip every time I got a look at his butt were all in the inappropriate category now.

"So... did you need me to stick around for a while, or?" He asks randomly to break the silence.

I shrug for like the millionth time today, getting annoyed that I never seem to have a proper answer ready, "Uhm... not really. I mean, you don't have to go, but I don't necessarily need you to stay either, I mean-"

"Maybe it's best I go for now, "Jace chuckles, nudging me in the arm playfully.

I blush and nod in agreement. Yup that would probably be best seeing as I'm so incredibly flustered and how when he laughs his smile is so beautiful I just want to kiss it off. Jesus, what am I doing? I'm going to ruin everything. I can't keep thinking this way.

I watch Jace get his shoes and coat on slowly, biting my lip the whole time. Contemplating what I want to do and what I need to do and what is right. Everything contradicts and I am truly just exhausted and should not be allowed to make decision right now. Yet, here I am, about to make a major one.

Just as Jace is stepping towards my front door, I finally manage to speak, "Jace, wait!"

He turns back curiously and I step up to him before I lose my courage, "Look. I still want this friendship thing. I need us to be just friends, I wasn't lying. But... I need to do just one thing, to get rid of these urges for good and move on. Just, will you let me do this one thing?"

He nods, looking both nervous and excited at the same time.

I take a deep shaky breath as I lean forward, "Don't move. Just... let me."

With that, I place my hands on either side of his neck, lacing them together to pull him towards me and softly press my lips to his. This isn't like that first kiss, where it was all heat and passion and anger. This one is sweet, and warm and it feels so final that it hurts my heart a bit, but it also gives me hope that maybe after this, we can be satisfied and work towards building a friendship. This might be slightly unethical, but we've never really done things the normal way.

When I finally pull away, breathing a little unsteadily, Jace smiles at me and I return it, " Goodnight, Jace. I love you."

"I love you too, Kai. Goodnight."

I watch him as he walks down the hall, admiring his form and knowing that this is for the best. With a grin, I shout to him, "Lunch date tomorrow? You know, as friends?"

He turns back to me and smiles a wide, happy smile, "Sounds good! See around, my friend."

I walk back into my flat and shut the door behind me and lean against it, letting out a breath of air as a huge grin spread across my face.

We might just be okay after all. 

~Shay<3