July 29, 2022

*4:37 AM*

To: Jace

From: Kai

.... Yeah x

After I sent the text that I feel sealed my fate, I checked the address he sent me and quietly snuck out the door, still in just my black pajama bottoms and a grey v-neck. At least it's summer and I don't have to hassle with a jacket. I quickly slip my shoes on after I'm down the hall and jog to the lift, feeling as though I'm a teenager again--sneaking out, afraid to get caught--but who is going to catch me? Why does this feel rebellious? I know why, but I don't acknowledge it.

Once outside, I take a deep breath and make my way down the street, waltzing down the centre line, enjoying the solitude you can only feel at this time in the morning. After even most night owls are asleep, and early risers are still sleeping. Four am, an hour that things you want no one to know of happen. An hour I've always enjoyed. Well, since the nightmares began again and I started sleeping less.

I smile to myself as I reach my destination, which is a lot further than I thought it was going to be, but when I get there... the memories hit me like a ton of bricks. The bridge I fell from that day so many years ago. When I first left my mom's and drunkenly called Jace. God, what a wreck I had been, and as only a teenager. How I had gotten better as my problems got worse, I'll never know.

It's then that I see his form, tall and lithe, leaning against the concrete bridge and staring down into the water. That's why, my conscience tells me. I have no doubt of that. Jace just... makes everything a thousand times better.

I walk up very quietly until I am right beside him, leaning with my arms crossed over the railing, "It's a nice night... strange time to meet up, though."

He doesn't even jump, just smiles that sweet smile, "Perhaps, but we're strange people, Kai. Only appropriate we'd meet up under strange circumstances at a strange time as well."

I laugh a breathy laugh at this and bump him with my hip, "Okay, Mr. poetic. What's the real reason you called me out of my warm bed?"

"A few reasons. I guess I want to apologize for not getting a hold of you sooner... one of our group members died a couple days ago, so I kind of... I don't know it hits me hard i guess," He sighs and I can see the honest pain in his eyes.

"I'm really sorry to hear that. I understand... I mean, maybe I hadn't before, but I do now. What's the other reasons, Jace?" I ask softly.

He looks down at the water again, still not looking up at me. I look down as well and watch the water rush by, every bit as dangerous as it had been nearly twelve years ago. It makes me wonder what kind of fool would risk getting me out. A fool who loves you, my mind whispers. Would you stop that!? I mentally whisper back. Wow, I'm actually losing it.

My eyes widen in alarm as Jace moves to my right and starts hoisting himself up and over the railing, taking a seat, "Uh, what are you doing!?"

He smirks, "Sitting. What's it look like?"

I smirk back at the cheeky bastard for mimicking the exact words I said to him the day he found me up on this ledge, "Better hope you don't fall in. I hear that's a nasty river."

He laughs, but it's weak, so I climb up and sit next to him. Just sitting here brings me back to that day. The day I'd begun a new life. A new life that lead to many new wonderful and terrible things. I still wonder sometimes if I hadn't left school that day. If I'd stayed and not run into Jace. If I hadn't gotten his number. If I hadn't ever spoken to the pretty blue-eyed boy that day in the rain when he asked me to catch that bloody letter... would fate have still brought us together? Would I still be sat next to this beautiful man?

Or, would I have eventually killed myself? Would Charlie have gotten back with Jace? Would Zoe have stayed secluded and alone? Would she have met Zaq? Would Jared ever have changed his ways and come out? Would Leah have recovered? Would she have died? So many things began with my meeting this stupidly wonderful, blue-eyed man. It set in motion so many things. Yet, here we are... broken while everyone is fixed. Is that what we are? A means to help others, but meant to be doomed ourselves?

Or perhaps just me?

"You're really quiet," He whispers. "What are you thinking about?"

I smile a wry smile, "What makes you think I'm thinking about anything?"

He looks at me sincerely, "You're always thinking, Kai. I don't need to know you anymore to know that."

My smile drops and I look back at the water, "I was thinking... about what life would have been like if we'd never met. How it would effect me and everyone in my life now."

He places his hand over mine where it rests and I can't find the strength to pull away, it feels too nice, "I don't like thinking like that. I would never wish to have not met you. Not even if I came to hate you."

That brings tears to my eyes and this time, I do pull my hand back, clenching it in a fist against my leg, "You can't say shit like that, Jace."

"Why? It's the truth!" He sighs in exasperation.

"Because, I don't like thinking about the past!" I snap, tears brimming in my eyes.

He gives me a sad, questioning look, "Why? Those were happy days."

I shake my head, "They were happy days then, sure. But, those days aren't now, and now is where I am. And... now sucks a lot. So, stop acting like we're still young, foolish kids ready to jump at any chance for love! I'm not the same person! I'm different and it sucks, but it's the truth and I'm different because of you!"

Tears fall from his precious eyes and I want with all my heart to wipe them away and hold him, comfort him, but I don't. He just takes a deep breath and wipes them himself, "It was never my intention to hurt you. When I-"

"I said I didn't want to talk about that, Jace. Not yet," I mutter, trying to regulate my breathing to calm my emotions.

He just nods, but I can tell he's hurting. We go silent for a bit, and I don't know how much time goes by, but soon I notice the black sky becoming slightly lighter. It's when about half the stars are gone from the sky that he decides to speak again.

"I remember the day you sat right here and called me--drunk--and I told you I was in town already, because I knew something was wrong," He tells me. "I lied. I had been home and the second you slurred, I was running for the bridge, and I don't run. So, let me tell you, trying to not sound winded was difficult."

I actually choke out a slight laugh at that, "You ran for some drunk kid you'd met only the day before? I'm flattered."

He smiles, "When I saw you sitting here, I panicked and decided the best way to keep you safe was to join you, but I was terrified the whole time that I'd fall in. Heights used to freak me out."

"What changed that?" I ask, eyeing him sitting up here on the bridge skeptically.

He looks me dead in the eye, "I jumped in after you when you fell. The fear of falling seemed slight compared to the fear of losing you after that."

My heart pounds erratically in my chest at his words. He actually... jumped in after me? That's how he got me out that day? I honestly believed all these years that he had someone gone down to the banks of the river and hauled me up. But, he... actually jumped right in after me. He risked his life for me.

I look away to hide the tears ready to fall down my cheeks, "Damn you, Jace."

We're quiet again for sometime, but then my mouth is moving and I'm no longer thinking, "It feels so damn surreal to be sitting here with you. Days ago you were dead--to me anyway. Now, you're here, and your're okay, and... everything is such a mess."

He scoots closer, and I scoot away, making him sigh, "I'm not trying to make this harder on you, Kai. I'm really not. I just... You don't want to talk about the past; ours or yours. You don't want to hear me out, and you don't want to talk specifically about us. Tell me, what do you want to talk about?"

I shake my head, covering my mouth to hold back a frustrated sob, "I shouldn't have come out here."

Quickly, I pull myself back over the bridge and start walking back the way I came. My legs are weak and tremble beneath me, but I force them to carry me forward despite Jace's rushing footsteps and pleading coming from behind me. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have met him somewhere so intimate, so personal, so... us. I shouldn't have come home. Maybe everything would have been better if I hadn't known about him. My heart might not be trying to break the rest of it's fragile pieces.

An arm takes hold of mine firmly and spins me around, "Kai, wait!"

When I spin around, I find myself suddenly chest to chest with Jace, faces mere inches apart as we stare into each other's wide eyes. He's so close, I can feel his warm breath on my lips, smell his raspberry shampoo from his hair, see the little speckles of stubble along his pale jaw. He's so handsome and I just want to--

I yank away just as we both lean in the slightest bit, taking a full step back, breathing hard just from the effort it takes to do so, "Don't touch me. Just stop!"

He jumps back slightly, releasing me simply because he knows it's what I wish, but he doesn't back off entirely, "No, Kai. Please don't push me away.I know this hurts you, but it hurts me, too! Everything I've done, it's been for you! I didn't know what else to do! You'd understand if you'd just let me explain!"

I shake my head, stepping back further, only to be matched by his forward steps, "No! I can't be near you anymore. I can't let this happen. I don't want--just leave me alone, please."

He crosses his arms and breathes out to steady his crying, "Don't want to what, Kai?"

I growl in frustration and run my hands up into my hair angrily, "I don't want to feel this way anymore! I don't know what I'm supposed to do about you! What am I supposed to feel!?"

He frowns and looks away from me, tears sparkling in his eyes still, "I don't know, Kai."

We stand here, at Five twenty-seven in the morning, completely still. Neither moves closer, but neither leaves. Neither speaks, but neither minds. We mentally battle our wants and needs and try to reason out everything. Whether those things are the same for both of us is a mystery to me, but I know right now all I want to do is rush into his arms and kiss him and take him back.

That's impossible though, so I just sigh in distress and walk up to him, deciding to give in ever so slightly and put my heart at ease. Almost smiling at the confusion growing in his eyes as I step close and hug him tightly, I bury my nose in his sweater, smiling sadly at how we're nearly the same height now.

"Kai?" He whispers.

I squeeze him tighter, "Despite everything, I'm really happy you're here... I missed you."

His arms hold me so tight in this moment, and I'm grateful because if not I fear I may have crumbled from the release of emotions built up inside me. But like the sturdy rock he's always been for me, he holds me together one more time.

"I missed you, too," He whispers hoarsely through the tears he himself can not hold back.

We stay like this for a while before I feel him begin to pull away and panic has me holding onto him tighter, tears streaming down my eyes as I finally cry, "No. Please... before everything gets twisted and complicated, just... let me hold you, please?"

He remains silent and just adjusts his arms around me and nestles his head against my shoulder, cheek brushing mine as he lays a simple kiss on my exposed skin, "Okay... there's no rush. I'm here, Love. Not going anywhere."

I cry into him, releasing what has been built up for many years in the safety of his embrace. Mostly allowing myself to feel the relief of feeling him alive in my arms again. The anger and sadness can be dealt with later. For now, it's just Jace and I and for once I feel whole. Not like his person completes my own, but like my soul has finally returned to the one it's been searching for. A soul I thought for so long, no longer existed.

"I thought you were dead. I thought you were gone. I missed you so much. So, so much. Fuck, Jace please don't leave me again," I sob into his sweater, clinging to him desperately.

He runs a hand into my hair and pulls back to press our foreheads together, looking me in the eye, "I'm right here for as long as you want me to be. I'm so sorry, Kai."

I feel like I've reverted to a child, like I'm clinging to my last bit of innocence desperately and it hurts so much to feel like it can slip away. It's like I'm not as old as I truly am when I'm with Jace. Time does not exist for us right now. It never has, to be truthful.

"You promised me... you promised you'd never hurt me. You promised you'd never leave me alone. You promised you'd always love me," I cry, holding his face, trying to sound angry but only sounding pained.

"I was an idiot. But, I never broke one of those promises," He says seriously, meeting my eyes with a look of pure, raw honesty.

He begins leaning in, and for a second, I feel myself leaning too. Our breaths mingle and I can feel his bottom lip touch mine in the lightest brush, but a certain name rings through my mind that makes me halt to a stop. Daisy. I can't do this to her, it's not right.

Grudgingly, I pull back and frown, "I can't... I'm sorry."

He frowns in return and nods, "I understand... I think we have a lot to talk about.'

I sigh for probably the thousandth time since returning home, "I know. I just wish we didn't. I wish it were simple."

He smiles and cups my face again, "Nothing that's important is ever easy or simple, Love."

I smile, ready to say something when I get two quick vibrations against my leg and pull out my phone, wondering who the hell would text me at this ungodly hour.

To: Kai

From: Daisy

Hi... hope you slept well, I'm just headed to work... please call or text soon? x

Guilt hits me hard and I sigh tiredly as I tap the other message and see it's from Charlie.

To: Kai

From: Charlie

Saw you were gone. Have an idea of where you might be.. or better yet, who you might be with.

Just remember what we talked about. Know what you're doing. x

"Everything alright?" Jace asks, looking confused by my sudden silence.

I look up and slap on a smile, suddenly feeling thrown back into reality, "Not really, but I will be... I hope."

He stays quiet for a bit and slowly walks back over to the bridge to sit on the pavement, patting a spot next to him for me to join. My feet are moving before I even stop to consider it, but I don't mind. I want to be close to him again. When the shit hits the fan and all our truths come out, I don't know if I'll get a chance like this again. Or if I'll want to.

Sitting down, I look up at the navy blue sky barren of any stars now, "Morning's come... I'm scared of what's next."

"Me too," He whispers.

I lean against him, resting my head on his shoulder as he wraps an arm around me to shield me from the cold morning air. His sweater slightly damp from my tears, but still comforting because it smells of him. An indescribably amazing scent that I've missed.

"I could forgive you, " I say

He nods, "Maybe."

"I could end up hating you," I say into the quiet air.

He nods, "I know."

"How can you be so okay with something that would tear me apart if it were the other way around," I ask.

"I never said it wouldn't. But... my concern isn't for myself. I only want for you to be happy."

When those words leave his mouth I turn towards him and see how truthful he is and I sigh, "I wasn't happy... the day you broke up with me, I wasn't happy."

His eyes widen at the realization of what I am doing.

"I was broken and I thought it was something I did. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I was lost without you and I hated that I couldn't hate you for leaving me like that," I say through the haze of tears. "When I was told you were... gone, months later, on the day of your birthday, I fell apart. Leah sat with me all night through my break down. I didn't speak for a month after that, hardly did anything at all. Afterwards, words were still few, but I forced myself to live because I promised you. I focused hard on my work and blocked out nearly everyone, even the ones who didn't deserve it. Two months after I got the news I was rushed to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, not because I tried to kill myself, but because I had thought if I drank enough I could forget you. I tried again and again, until I was put into a rehab centre to get it under control."

"Kai," He whispers, tears streaming down his fair cheeks.

I shake my head stubbornly, "You wanted honesty. Well, you just got it. That's what I felt after you left me."

He nods, but pulls me into his chest anyway, letting out a deep sigh, "You deserved so much better. God, I wish I could have been better for you."

I grip his shirt and squeeze my eyes shut, "Why couldn't you just put pride aside? What were you thinking? Dammit, why?"

"I loved you too much and I was scared. I panicked. I didn't know what would happen and I couldn't face you. I didn't want to see the mess I'd make of you, and I was a coward for leaving you so suddenly, and god I'm so sorry" He mumbles against my shoulder.

I pull back and nod, "You were... but, at the same time... I learned how to be my own person. How to survive without you. I wouldn't take that back, because being lost in the world without you was terrifying. I know I can live without you now, I just... I just don't want to."

I think back to what Charlie said about it being healthier to want someone than to need them and rely on them.

I smile sadly and look up into Jace's watery crystal eyes, "I don't need you in my life anymore... but, dammit I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you in it. More than anything."

He smiles back at me through his tears and for a moment, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know we have so much more to say. So many more truths to expose that can tear us apart. So many lies to be revealed and secrets to share. All of it has to come out and all of it could be the end of us. But, for right now, I have him and he has me, and we are us again at least until sun rise.

I stand, wiping the dirt from my pajama bottoms and offer him a hand up, "I have some things to do today... but, I'd like it if you stayed with me and maybe--maybe it's time we really had that talk."

He nods solemnly before giving me a quirky little smile, "Okay, but first... would you mind joining me for coffee?"

I chuckle and nod, "Sure. Coffee sounds good." 

~Shay<3