August 14, 2022

I stare numbly out the window that overlooks a good portion of London as my front door swings open with a sudden bang. Slowly, I tear my gaze from the window and meet Charlie's, there's something lighter about them.

"Where were you?" I ask softly.

His eyes soften in a sad way that pisses me off, "I ran into Seth's sister and then I kind of got dragged back to his place."

That sparked something in me, "He didn't hurt you, did he? If he said anything-"

"No, Kai. It's fine, I... Lucy told me a lot and I guess you could say Seth and I are working it out. Thanks though, for what you did," He says with a small smirk.

I shrug and go back to looking out the window, suddenly uninterested in the whole conversation. To be honest I'm exhausted, and focusing on anything is damn near impossible. I'd sleep, but... then the nightmares would just wake me anyway. I don't want to see his face right now, it hurts too much.

"Have you eaten today?" Charlie nags.

I can't help but roll my eyes, "Yeah."

If you count a slice of plain toast as eating.

"Well, I'm making stir-fry for dinner, you like that right?" He asks me.

With a sigh I force myself up and begin making my way to my room, but as soon as I'm out of my seat, my phone rings for the billionth time today. I don't have to look at the callers ID to know who it is. I'm a terrible person, please just stop.

"Is that, Jace?" Charlie asks, with that stupid sad expression again.

I bite my lip painfully, "No. He hasn't called all week. That's probably Daisy."

Not probably.

I know it is.

"Shouldn't you answer?" He asks, but sighs when I just stare at the phone until it stops ringing. "Jesus, Kai. What happened last week. Was it Jace? Did something happen between you two? Are you and Daisy fighting? C'mon just talk to me, you know I'm here for you."

I pocket my phone once more and turn my back on my friend, hating myself for hurting yet another person I care about, "I'm going to my room for the night. See you in the morning, Charlie."

"What about dinner?" He sighs.

"Not hungry."

With that, I shut my door and resigned myself to another night alone with my thoughts.

August 15, 2022

Splashing some water in my face to wake myself before the show, I look up at my reflection in the staff bathroom mirror. God, I look as horrible as I feel. When was the last time I slept longer than an hour? Two days ago? Three? Perhaps four even? Who knows, everything just seems to be meshing together lately.

I want to be afraid that I've slipped back into such old habits, but for all I've done lately, I feel like it's karma coming back to bite me. I deserve it for those I'm hurting. For those I will hurt.

"Kai? You're on in five... you alright?" Seth says, knocking on the door.

I sigh.

so much for some quiet alone time.

Opening the door, I walked right past Seth in an attempt to ignore him like I have been all week, but he wasn't having that. Not in the slightest. Suddenly, there were arms thrown around me from behind and a head nudging at my shoulder, "Oh, Kai-babe! I'm sorry for what I said! Please talk to me! Please stop ignoring me, it's driving me berserk! I was so lonely that I called up Leah just to chat, and then she yelled at me because it was three in the morning! Do you know how loud a pissy girl can yell at three in the morning? Pretty loud!"

I can feel my lips turn up into a small smile as I sigh, "It's your own fault for talking to her before she's had her coffee. You know how she is about being woken up."

"Did you just talk? You're talking!" Seth exclaims, coming around and hugging me again.

"Look, I'm not mad at you, but I'm really not up for chatting. I-I got to get to work," I mutter, slipping past him and into the booth before he can say anything more.

I don't want to see the frown on his face. I already know I've hurt yet another person. It's all I'm good for and all I've ever done. Hurt people and drag them down.

With a sigh I walk over to the mic and wait for the 'On air' signal to come on. The second I see that red light, I feel my radio persona come to life and take over. Letting myself be someone else, even if it's just for an hour.

"Good morning, London! I am Kai Harkins and you are listening to BBC Radio one."

The show goes well, and I talk about some funny internet happenings, and play a good amount of music until we reach time of the show where we answer callers. Pressing the first lit button I see, I put on a cheerful voice, "Caller one, you are on the air!"

"Hi, Kai! My name's Ella!" A sweet sounding girl exclaims.

I chuckle at her excitement, "Hello, Ella. How are you today?"

"Good! I just wanted to say I love your show and also, my friend told me she met you and that Jace person who called last week! I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you dating? She said you denied it, but didn't believe you because apparently you guys were just too cute!" She giggles.

I freeze and feel my hands shake at my side, "N-No we're not dating. Thank you for calling."

I quickly hang up and press the next button, taking a deep breath before speaking, "Speaker number two, you are on the air."

"Hey, I've heard a lot of rumors about you and this Jace guy and I just wanted to say that I kind of ship you guys," A girl giggles. "Just wanted to put in a request for a song that reminds me of you two, 'They don't know about us-'"

"Sorry we aren't taking anymore requests," I choke and hang up again.

My co-worker on the other side of the booth gives me a 'what are you doing!?' look and I just shake my head, knowing I need to stop letting my personal feelings effect my work. This is a job, Jace has nothing to do with it. Just answer the damn questions, lie if you have to, and move on. Jesus, get it together!

I take about two or three more calls and they're all the same. 'Are you and Jace a thing?' 'Were you really caught on a date?' 'I had no idea you were gay! I totally ship you and that guy!'

My temper is at it's limit as I answer the last call, praying that just one caller will have something original to say, "Hi! I'm Blair! You probably don't remember me, but we went to school together, Kai!"

I brighten at that, " Oh? I'm sorry, I don't remember. I have a horrible memory though, so don't feel bad!"

She chuckles at that, but what she says next stuns me, "I just wanted to say I remember seeing you and Jace around town back then. You guys were so freaking cute, I hope you're still together. I always thought if anyone would last it was-"

"Stop it! Enough. Can we talk about anything, but my personal life for just a minute? Who I am or am not dating is no one's concern!" I snap, hanging up and taking my headphones off and chucking them across the room before storming out of the booth.

I'm not even five steps out before B is on my ass. Great. I blew it and now I'm screwed. Why did I do that? Why couldn't I just control my emotions? This isn't good. I'm slipping up. All the work I put into getting my crap together is falling apart. This is why I should have left the second I saw Jace in Reading. I knew this would happen. I knew our feelings would tear us apart after all this time.

"Kai! What the hell was that!?" B screams.

I can feel my co-workers gather down the hall and watch the scene about to unfold, even Seth stands there staring at me with pity. "I don't know! I snapped, I'm sorry!"

B sighs and shakes her head, "You've been acting weird all week and the listeners have noticed. Now you're freaking out on live radio. I can't have that kind of behaviour, Harkins. I warned you already to get your act together."

"Please, give me another chance. I swear I won't mess it up!" I plead, knowing I'll be beyond lost if i lose this job.

She seems to think on it for a moment before a sly smirk makes its way onto her face, "On one condition."

"Anything."

"The viewers are crazy over this Jace person, and you've already lost it over him twice now. Get him on the show, explain yourself, and make the people happy. Either that, or find a new job," With that, B turns on her too tall heels and storms into her office.

"You can't do that!" I cry out, anxiety eating at me.

"I just did!" She yells from inside.

Tears of frustration fill my eyes as I ignore my worried co-workers, grab my things and leave the building. Great. So now it's either face Jace, the one thing I've been avoiding most, or lose my job. The main thing keeping me sane right now. The main thing that has always kept me sane.

Everything is just so damn messed up.

**

The entire drive to Reading, I can feel a wave of apprehension wash over me. I don't want to be doing this. I shouldn't even interfere with his life anymore. This was my chance to just let him go for good, but now here I am, dragging us back together.

It doesn't help that I've had to go so far as to turn off my phone so Daisy's calls will stop breaking my heart. I know she'll understand, but that's what hurts so badly. She's such a good person, and i'm just... I'm not. I don't want her to be understanding, dammit I want her to get mad. I want her to hate me and scream at me for this, but I know she won't.

I sigh and flick on the radio, needing to drown out my thoughts. I've come so far, and I've changed; that much is clear. But, how do you adjust your new self to deal with old problems? The only way I know how to deal with them, is the way I used to and that's just throwing me off and making coping with everything so much harder. It makes no sense, but all the sense in the world at the same time.

My first stop is Grams', to figure out Jace's current address, and after a quick chat, I'm off again and soon find myself standing out side Jace's flat. I lift my hand to knock, but freeze. Can I really do this? How do I face him? After I just... left him.

Suddenly there is a huge commotion on the other side and the door is swinging open, and there before me is a shirtless Jasper fuming, ready to storm out, but stopping to stare at me with flames in his eyes. Uh oh.

"Oh, of course you're here. How many times have you already been here without me knowing, hmm!?" He growls in anger.

Jace suddenly comes flying out, also shirtless, and pulls him back just before Jasper lifts a hand to me, "Jas, quit it! He's never even been here before, would you stop!?"

"Screw you. You know, it's funny, because you know how stupid you're being and I know you're going to fuck everything up. Like always," Jasper spits, pulling on his shirt.

I step forward this time and shove Jasper back so he's not up in Jace's face, "Who are you to speak to him like that!?"

Jasper ignores me and glares right at Jace, "Come find me when you're ready to make a smart decision, for once in your life."

With that, he turned and walked out of the building. Heart still racing from the anxiety caused by the conflict, I turn to see Jace in tears, trying desperately to hold them back.

I sigh and reach out to wipe away a tear, "I get that you don't like fighting, but don't let him bully you like that, okay?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," He mutters bitterly.

I shake my head and step forward, but he shoves me back, "What are you even doing here? I got your message quite clear, you can't do it. So why are you back? Are you really trying to hurt me, Kai?"

Stunned, I step back and open my mouth to speak, but nothing but a choked sound escapes me. I knew he'd be angry, but to actually shove me away and act like he'd hoped I'd stay away... it really hurts.

"Look, I need to talk to you, but if it's a bad time-"

"Just come in," He sighs, swinging open his door and walking further into the apartment.

I glance around, looking for any excuse not to follow the half naked Jace into his dimly lit home, but when I find none, I let out a light sigh and step forward grudgingly.

"Was I interrupting something?" I ask as he drops down onto his sofa and sips at a glass of wine that's sitting before him.

He doesn't look at me, just stares into his glass as he swirls the red liquid around, "No."

I nod and awkwardly stand there, not sure what to do or say. He's pissed, that much I know, and I don't know how to handle that. I've never really had him this mad at me before. The truth is, i know i shouldn't be here. I'm just making life harder for him. This is why I should have just continued keeping to myself, staying out of everyone's way.

"What do you need, Kai?" He says, sounding exhausted.

I want to answer, but now I'm wondering why I even bothered coming. I should just accept that I screwed up and allow myself to be fired. I can find another job. Why on earth am I letting fate drag us back together over and over. Isn't the outcome pretty damn obvious at this point? We just end up hurting one another.

Jace sighs suddenly and looks at me with a slight glare, but it's sad in a way, "You make it really hard to stay mad at you when you look so sad. I can tell you're shouldering a lot and aren't taking care of yourself. So come sit the heck down and tell me what is wrong and why you're here. Maybe while you're at it, tell me why I woke up to that stupid note rather than my best friend."

That strikes a cord. I'm not just the man who used to be his lover. I'm supposed to be his friend. When we were together, we stuck true to the friendship that was our foundation. That's what made us work, we loved each other like a couple, but acted like childhood friends, holding secrets and memories that no one but us knew of. We just worked like that, and now we've fallen out of sync. Our relationship is like a derailed train. Somewhere along the way, we were thrown off course, and with eleven years between us then and us now, it's hard to tell just when we truly went off the track we were meant to be on.

His hand gently takes mine and pulls me down onto the sofa, where he hands me my own glass of wine. I meet his gaze, look to the glass, and then look back up at him with a sad expression, "No thank you."

He smiles at that and pushes both glasses away, "Good. Now, talk."

I sigh and decide that I need to just get this over with, "First, I'm sorry about last week. I deserve your hatred to be honest. The reason I'm here isn't just to apologize though."

His brow furrows as he tilts his head in confusion, "Then... why?"

"Did you listen to the radio show this morning?"I ask quietly.

He frowns at that, "I planned to, but Grams called and asked me and jasper out to brunch."

I nod and nibble on my lip, "Well... There were a lot of callers today."

"That's good, isn't it?" He asks me.

I look away, feeling a blush burn at my cheeks, "People think we're some secret couple, Jace. Every caller was asking about you, or about us."

"Oh..." He whispers.

"Yeah, oh," I sigh. "Eventually, I just... I kind of snapped at one of the callers and I walked out on the show. It was a mistake, I've had a shit week and I just... I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt, you know? Someone who knew me way back when basically confirmed that we used to date and I don't know, it just made me so damn angry that I went off."

Jace nods and breathes in shakily, "Okay, but that still doesn't tell me what you're doing here."

I stand and walk over to his window, enjoying the view of the little park on the other side of the street. "The fans are requesting you, so my boss told me to come and ask you to have a sort of talk show with me. To appease the fans and make up for my melt down today."

"Kai... I can't do that. It's not fair on Jasper, and if I come on, they're sure to believe we are dating even more than before. I just don't think-"

"My boss made it clear that I either convince you to come on the show, or I'm out of a job," I say, hating that I'm doing this to him.

I just can't afford to lose the second best thing to ever happen to me. This job has done wonders for me and it's the one thing I enjoy doing in my day to day life. Without it... what am I? I'm not 'Kai, jace's boyfriend'. I won't be 'Kai, radio show personnel'. I'll just be... Kai. I don't want that. I don't want to go back to being a no one. I'll surely just fade into the background, and what then? That's what frightens me.

It's silent between us for some time. I can see the annoyance in his eyes, and that hurts. I don't want to annoy him. God, why do I keep messing everything up? With absolutely everyone. I'm ignoring Daisy, I'm brushing off Charlie and Seth, and now I'm asking something of Jace that he shouldn't have to do. It's not his responsibility to clean up my mess.

"I'll do it, but only on one condition," He says after what feels like an eternity, and there's a bitterness to his tone.

"Again with the conditions," I sigh. "Okay. Fine. Anything, honestly."

He's quiet for a moment, and then when he meets my eyes, I feel a nervous shudder go through me, "You explain to me exactly why the hell you left me that morning, because I'm trying damn hard for you, but to have you bail out on me after everything I've done to right my wrongs? That hurt, Kai. That really hurt."

I nod, feeling a single tear trickle down my cheek, "Fine."

"Also... tell Daisy about the kiss. Don't ask why, but I like the girl and I feel wrong keeping it from her. I told Jasper today, so... I think you should do the right thing and tell Daisy as well."

"Okay, I will," I promise, hating how I'm somehow being forced into doing everything I've been avoiding. "Is that... is that why he was so angry before?"

"You could say that's part of the reason," Jace sighs, shaking his head at the memory of whatever happened between them.

With a quick shake of the head, he stands and leans over to pick up the wine glasses, and that's when I notice the faint bruise on his upper right arm. Standing--feeling adrenaline race through me--I step forward and take his arm and pull it towards me to examine.

"What's this from? Did Jasper do this to you?" I ask, anger suddenly coursing through my veins.

Jace doesn't even glance at his arm, telling me he knows what I'm talking about, but with wide eyes he scoffs, "Don't be ridiculous. It's not what you think, Kai."

"Then enlighten me,"I have to use all the restraint in me not to sound angry.

"I slipped going down the stairs the other day, like the clutz I am, and Jasper caught me and happened to grab at me too hard. It was just because he was scared of me falling. No big deal, so drop it alright?" He says, walking away and putting the glasses in the sink.

I follow close behind and frown in distress, "You'd... You'd tell me if someone was hurting you, right?"

Jace is quiet for a moment before he looks over at me with a soft crooked smile, "Of course, Kai. You'd be the first person I went to."

Silence again.

"For the record... I'm sorry I left you like I did. I was just-"

"Scared? I know. But... I don't want to be the person who makes you feel that way. You used to trust me and never doubted me in the slightest. I'm just beginning to lose hope that we'll ever return to those days," He says sadly.

With a sad shrug I say, "There's no such thing as returning to those days, Jace. All we have is today and our tomorrow's and... I think we need to stop trying to be what we were and create something new instead."

"Maybe you're right. I just hope that there doesn't come a tomorrow where I have to say goodbye to you again," He whispers, not daring to look up at me. "Cancer was nothing compared to the pain I felt when I lost you."

"I'd say nothing can hurt more than being without you, but that would be a lie. I'd rather know you're out there somewhere happy, than know you're six feet under and forever out of my reach," I admit, pulling Jace into a tight embrace.

Nothing romantic or lustful. It's not even a friendly hug. It just is. A simple act to reassure myself that he's here and I'm here and we're not completely broken just yet.

**

An hour later, it's nearly seven when I find myself at Daisy's front door with Jace by my side. Not bothering to knock, I use my key to unlock the door and swing it open, only to reveal a sight that I hadn't exactly foreseen happening.

"Kai!" Daisy exclaims in shock when she sees me enter the living room.

Well, this is certainly an unexpected turn of events. 

~Shay<3