*Play song*

October 31, 2022

In my thirty-one years, I have seen, felt, and done so many things and each has changed me and redirected my path through life in more ways than I can count. By just eighteen years old my mind had worked only to see things as black or white. The light or the absence of. Courage, or the absence of. Happiness, or the absence of. It always seemed to me that I had to have one or the other, there simply could not be a middle ground. I was miserable, and I believed that was where I was stuck in life. That people were either completely happy, or they weren't at all and I just happened to be one of the unlucky ones.

As I aged and I saw and felt and did more things, my mind was opened up to so many more possibilities. I realized that no matter where I was in life, it wasn't entirely dark. There would always, at the very least, be tiny streams of light that filter through the cracks to guide me through the dark. Courage wasn't a lack of fear, but simply the challenging and overcoming of that fear. Doing what frightens you despite being completely and utterly terrified. Sadness didn't mean I couldn't feel joy, and happiness didn't mean I couldn't still feel pain. Along the way I met people with smiles brighter than the sun with heart breaking tales, and people who had miserable lives who lived contently with the knowledge that they had someone that loved them still.

It took me a long time, but eventually I came to realize that nothing is ever definite. Light and darkness and courage and fear and happiness and sadness is all so flexible and fleeting. None of it is ever permanently and entirely present nor entirely gone. There will be moments of good and bad and you must take each with grain of salt and weather through the bad and cherish the good when you have it. It's all about perspective and what you choose to see. You can choose to dwell in your current situation and see only the dark and the fear and the sadness, remaining ignorant to the light and happiness still remaining and the fact that you show courage every time you get up and face the difficult days. Or, you can choose to look for the slivers of light and the few things that still bring you joy and grasp them and hold on tight to them, knowing that you have the courage to hold on until better days come.

I learned that life isn't out to hurt anyone, but it's also not going to present anyone a perfect life on a silver platter. Each person, no matter how perfect their life may seem will have their difficulties and challenges, and that no matter how horrid someone's life may seem, they'll find happiness. Like I've said; Life is an idea--an experience. What we take from that experience is up to us. We can be bitter over our losses and misfortunes, or we can move on from those and smile and be satisfied with the joy and love and successes.

Happiness is a state of mind. Nothing physical you can touch or see, so do not entrust what you perceive to be 'happiness' in something as fleeting as a place or a person or even an object. True happiness starts and ends with you. Make yourself your own source of happiness, so you can carry it with you no matter what life throws at you. Through thick and thin at least you'll still have your kindness, your will to go on, your heart of gold, your passion, your sense of humor, your imagination, your loyalty. Make yourself something worth being proud and happy about. Be content in the skin you live in. Don't go searching for something that won't last, because like myself, you'll eventually see that those things you once yearned for will only ever bring you brief happiness.

I know I speak like I've learned my lessons and have perfected the art of being happy, but the truth is, despite what I've learned, I still make my mistakes. I still instill miniscule sources of my happiness in the people I love and perhaps that's just human nature. Perhaps it's inevitable that we make these mistakes despite knowing the consequences, because they allow us to experience regret and loss. Even though I'm well aware of how much people wish to live without these feelings, I truly believe them to be necessary. They allow us to be humble and feel grateful for the things we still have.

My friends are one of those things. Zoe was one of those things. To be honest, since the day I met her I didn't realize how much of my happiness depended on her. She became such a solid, positive presence in my life. I admit now that I took her love for granted, and I wish there were things I could take back. Things that I did more often. Like calling her more, or going shopping with her every time she asked, or never having lost communication. It's only now that I realize just how much of my life revolved around this one person, and with her gone it feels like everything has been thrown off course and there's a void that simply can't be filled.

"Zoe taught me so many things, and honestly, I owe her the world for everything she ever did for me. She taught me to trust, and to be unashamed, and to fight for what I love. Her blunt honesty is something I admired her for, and I'm going to miss her telling me when I'm being an idiot, and threatening to beat up whoever upset me, and coming over at ungodly hours in the night just because I needed a hug, and slapping me when I worried her sick. She was my first friend in the world, but the word friend just doesn't feel right to me. Zoe was the sister I never had, and she always will be. My heart aches knowing she's gone, and not just because she won't be here for me any longer, but because of the daughter she leaves behind who won't get to grow up to know the amazing person her mother was--as well as her father.

"Zoe always wanted children, she always said so when we were younger, and I believe to this day that she was and would have continued to be the perfect mother. She was just one of those people meant for it. She was patient and kind, and playful and loving, and most of all, she was understanding. It didn't matter what kind of person you were, she accepted you and helped you grow to be a better person. I loved that about her, we all did.

"I don't think there was a single thing about that woman I didn't love. She was kind and loving, always doing her best to make everyone around her happy. She'd have loved today. Halloween was her favourite time of year and I know she would have made us all join in on the fun things she'd have planned. She was always high-spirited and adventurous, always getting into mischief--I have no idea how Zaq kept up with her honestly, but I know the truth was that he really loved her, because it's difficult not to. There was a light that she brought into people's lives, and it didn't matter what you were going through, if Zoe was there, everything felt like it could be okay.

Looking out at the crowd, I feel my throat constrict with the effort not to cry as I turn to face the two closed caskets to my left, "Zaq... Zoe... I don't know why you had to leave us. It wasn't your time, and I know this because you're still so needed here. I honestly don't know what I'll do without either of you, what any of us will do. Zoe you were to me, as to many others, a safety net. Always there to catch and comfort me and I will never be able to thank you enough f-for always being there for me. Zaq... you were always so kind and never had anything bad to say about anything-- I-I just need t-to tell you thank you... for loving and caring for-for my sister when I left her behind. Thank you for keeping her happy all these years.

Tears are cascading down my cheeks freely as my words get harder and harder to force out, "Zoe, I--why did you have to go? You said I was special and that people like me were meant to end up the happiest, but you... you were wrong. So horribly wrong. You were the special one, and you should be alive and happy with your family-- a family so beautiful and perfect. You deserved happiness more than anyone I know, because you spent your whole life trying to make us all happy... b-but we should have been doing the same back. I'm sorry... I wish I could go back and do so much more for y-you, and take back the st-stupid things I did. But, I can't... a-and that kills me... Zoe--"

A sob chokes me off, and at that moment, I can hear more than see all of my friends walking up behind me, reaching out and holding me in some way to support me. Falling back on my friends, I take a deep breath, reminding myself that I'm not alone, that none of us are alone and we can get through this.

"Zo... if you can hear me... I love you, hun. We all do, and we're going to m-miss you both so damn much. You made me pr-promise to protect Ollie that night, and I-I swear, we're all here for her. She's never going to be alone, and I swear t-to you that I'll make sure she's the happiest damn kid in the world."

With that, I allow Jace and Charlie to escort me back to my seat between them where I allow my tears to flow freely as I silently cry into Jace's arms, allowing the rest of the speakers to take their turns. The whole day has been so unbearable. Rhys and Kyle were devastated and I hate that I had to be the bearer of horrid news. They both look like they haven't slept since that night, but honestly, I don't think anyone could. Jace has been just as broken up as I am, but I know he's trying hard to be strong for me. Leah... god, Leah. When I told her, I don't think I've ever seen her break down like that. The strong, cool and collected Leah fell completely apart, and ever since then, she's done a good job of isolating herself and trying to remain indifferent until the funeral, where I can see her leaning into Seth. Both of them in tears over the loss of our dear friends.

Zaq's family across from us is no better, and even Jared looks torn up, while his parents came to pay their respects, quiet tears falling, more out of sympathy for the families than for the couple they didn't know.

Worst of all... Ollie. After the ambulance arrived on the scene, Zac and Zoe's bodies were put onto gurneys and covered with white sheets, having been pronounced dead at the scene. Ollie seemed to wake from her daze in time to see them taking her parents away as she cried and yelled out for her mommy and daddy. It shattered my heart as Jace and I tried to calm her, comfort her in some way, but I knew it was useless. The girl lost her parents, and no matter how gently we tried to tell her so, it didn't change the fact that she had just become an orphan.

By the time we got her to the hospital to be checked for injuries, she had fallen silent and hasn't spoken a single word since. Three days and no one can get her to speak. Half the time I look at her and see her just sit and stare off into space, and somewhere in my mind I know she's still reliving that night. She saw far more than any child should, and lost even more. I know that sad and empty look in her eyes and I hate it with ever fibre of my being. Children shouldn't have to learn so soon about how cruel life can be. It's not right.

As soon as the funeral comes to an end, I stand with the help of Jace, and make my way over to Rhys and Kyle and the moment our eyes meet, tears break free once again as they tug me into the tightest of embrace's.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I couldn't save her. I'm sorry, so so sorry," I sob into Rhys' shoulder.

Kyle gently pushes me out to arms length and despite the grief on his face, he speaks strongly, "You did what you could, Kai. You're not to blame. That drunk driver is at fault and he paid his own price. Zoe wouldn't want you to feel guilty for this and we won't allow you to either."

"I hate that I'm here crying to you," I breathe out shakily. "You just lost your daughter."

They both give me sad, watery smiles as Rhys nods and speaks for the both of them, "We did. But, you just lost a sister."

That was it. That's all it took for me to break down all over again and be pulled into another tight hug. I don't know how to handle any of this. Every instinct in my body is telling me to run like always away from the pain and just pretend none of it exists. Just leave it all behind like I always did.

Just as I pull away, I feel Jace pull me back into his arms, locking them around my waist and holding my back firmly to his chest as he whispers into my shoulder, "I've got you, baby. We'll get through this, I promise."

And just like that, my need to escape vanishes as I look around and realize that this is where I need to be. I can't run and leave everyone, no matter how much I don't want to face this. Rhys and Kyle need support, Jace needs his husband, Leah needs me as the last of our original trio to comfort her. And Ollie. I promised Zoe I'd be strong for her and protect that little girl, and running away would be breaking that promise.

With new resolve and determination, I walk over to where the little girl sits and kneel down so that her watery eyes are looking at me, "How are you, hun?"

She shrugs, wiping at her tears and staring down at the little stuffed monkey in her hands.

Sighing, I lift her into my arms and hug her close, pressing a light kiss to the top of her hair, "I know you're sad, and I know you're scared. But, you're not alone, sweetheart. I'm here for you, Uncle Jace is here for you, your grandpa's and all of your mommy and daddy's friends are all here for you. Your mommy left you in good hands and she's always going to be with you in spirit, okay? She's with us all, I promise."

She doesn't say anything, and I don't expect her to, but she does bury her face against my shoulder as her tiny arms lock around my neck, hugging me as fiercely as her tiny self can. In this moment, she feels so much like Zoe, and while it breaks my heart, it also warms me inside. Zoe may be gone, but a piece of her is still here. And, I'll protect what she left behind with all I have.

After everyone has gone around, hugging and giving condolences, I notice someone standing at the back of the room wearing a dark jacket with a hood pulled up. Suspicious, I gently hand Ollie off to Kyle and walk towards the stranger.

He starts to leave the moment he sees me, but I quickly run out of the building after him. Catching him by the shoulder, I turn him, almost angry that someone is here to disturb the service, "Hey! What were you doing back there?"

As the man turns, my eyes widen in shock as he stares at me nervously, a hint of tears in his eyes as he steps back, shaking his head, "I know I shouldn't have come, but I needed to."

"I don't want--"

"I'm not here for you," He insists, frowning sadly. "I just... I needed to see if it was true. I needed to say my goodbyes as well."

Shaking my head in confusion, I open my mouth to ask what he means and how on earth he knows Zoe, but he's already stepping away from me, "I'm sorry, Kailas. I promise, you won't see me again after this. I just... I hope your family is okay."

With that, he turns and walks away from me, and I watch in stunned silence until he disappears around the corner. A hand gently resting on my shoulder makes me jump and turn to face my husband who is staring past me curiously.

"Who was that?" He inquires.

Looking back down the now empty street, I sound just as lost as I feel, "That was... my father."

November 1, 2022

Today is the day we're meeting with Zaq and Zoe's lawyers to go over their will. Basically to sort out who will get custody of Ollie, who gets what out of their possessions and what will happen with the house and things they've invested money in. I'm not looking forward to this, but I know it needs to be done and I really just hope to get through this quick

Ever since the funeral and the confusing run in with my father, who I honestly couldn't believe was there and not in jail. He should have been there for at least another three years. It must be a good behaviour thing or some strings were pulled at some point. Who knows? But, like he said, I haven't seen him again so I honestly couldn't care less. I just want to know why he was at Zoe's funeral and how he could have known her in any way and why she never told me she knew my father.

"Are you alright?" Jace asks, waving a hand in front of my face.

I've been zoning out a lot, getting lost in thought, and I do feel bad for worrying him, "Yeah, I'm just tired and thinking. Don't worry, Love."

He knows I'm not okay, but he chooses to respect my wish to not talk about it right now. I'm grateful, and I show that by leaning into his side and pecking his cheek gently. It seems like we wait in that little office for ages. Jace, Rhys and Kyle, Grams, and Leah. Zaq's family would be brought in afterwards for their own meeting.

When the man finally comes in, we're all practically on edge, wanting to leave to return to our grieving. "Good morning. First, let me start by apologizing for your loss. It's not normal that I work out wills for those under retirement age. I'll try and make this quick, I'm sure you all have places you'd rather be."

We nod, and allow him to continue, taking out a file and flipping through a few pages. "First, are you her father's?"

He glances between Rhys and Kyle who nod solemnly as the man continues, "Alright. It says here that she has left to you a sum of money we will discuss in private, and this."

He opens a trunk situated next to his desk and pulls out a medium sized jewelry box, which for reasons unknown to me makes both men begin to cry quietly, "She says that everything that reminds her of the two best dad's in the world is inside this box. From birthday and Christmas cards, to the rock from the beach from their trip to Cancun when she was six, to the baby ring you gave her when you first adopted her."

The men take it graciously, holding onto it as if it's the most precious thing in the world, and to them it is. That box is full of memories of their daughter, and I cant even imagine what their pain must be like. To lose a friend is one thing, but to lose your own child... a parent shouldn't have to bury their kid.

"To Mary-ann, or better known as 'Grams', she left with you her hand made cookbooks filled with all the recipes she says she never got a chance to show you. She asks that you use it to spice up the holiday's as always and add to it as much as you like."

Gram's eyes are full of tears as she is handed a sealed box, smiling down at it as she delicately runs a hand over my best friend's hand writing along the side.

"For Leah," The man says, making the quietest of us all glance up, eyes red and slightly puffy, "Zoe leaves to you her entire holiday decoration & costume collection, a scrapbook she made of the two of you, the option to take what you wish from her wardrobe, and this note."

The man hands Leah a small envelope which she quickly opens to pull out a small clip of paper and I look at her in confusion as tears manage to escape her along with a short laugh, "Loosen up and have fun, boo."

"Even from the other side she's helping you," I tell her, which earns me a sad, but grateful smile from my little, blonde friend.

The man clears his throat, sorting through the papers again before turning to face Jace and I, causing me to stop breathing as I wait nervously, "For Kai and Jace, who have also been named the God parents. Zoe leaves to you options."

I furrow my brow at his words, looking to Jace who looks somewhat confused as well. "What kind of options?"

"There are conditions for what she leaves to you," He starts. "First and most important, her first option for custody of the child is to go to her god parents; yourselves. If, however, there is reason for this not being possible: i.e the child doesn't wish it, or you find yourselves incapable of caring properly for the child, then the girl will go to her grandparents.

"If the child goes to you, you get part one and two of what she has left for you. Part one consists of a large sum of money to go towards a college fund for Olivia, and all of Olivia's belongings. If you do not take the child, we will simply skip over part one and you'll receive everything listed under part two. This consists of her entire movie collection, a sum of money to be discussed at a later time, and her art collection-- because she 'believes you need more colour in your home'."

Sitting back, I let out a breath of air as I let all of that sink in, but without skipping a beat, I immediately answer, "If Zoe wished that we take Olivia, then that's what we'll do. We have the space and money to care for her. Jace doesn't work weekends and I only work while she's in school during the weekdays. We wouldn't even need a sitter."

Rhys and Kyle look to me with proud smiles, despite my believing they might be upset they didn't get the girl. Something tells me my best friend discussed this with them a long time ago, perhaps before I even knew of the child.

"Wonderful. As long as the child is content with this decision, then we can move forward with getting her settled," The man tells us. "As for everything else, it is up for grabs. You may sell or keep whatever you wish from their home, but she asks that the house be put up for sale so another family may find happiness where she certainly did."

That sounds so much like her, it hurts me inside.

We're all about to get up and leave, but the man quickly calls out to me, making us all halt in our tracks, "There is one more thing. For you specifically, Kailas."

Confused, I step closer and take the thick letter from his hand. It's clear there there is more than a simple letter inside, and something solid as well. "She simply says that inside is everything she's ever wanted you to know in case she doesn't get a chance to tell you herself. Alongside the letter is a key. She says you'll know what it's for."

I nod and just stare at the letter, feeling my eyes fill with tears at the way my name is scrawled across the front in her lovely hand writing. Flashbacks of finding a letter from my mother hit me as my heart pounds painfully against my ribcage, my hands tightening around all that I have left of my beautiful best friend.

At home that night, I sit in the living room where I sat with Zoe-- living, breathing Zoe-- only mere nights ago, with the torn open envelope set aside, using a single lamp for light.

Dear Kaily,

It's really weird to write this, knowing that the only time you'll ever read it is if I'm dead... and that's really morbid to think about and plan for. But, I'm doing it anyway because if for some reason I ever have to leave you and the rest behind, then I want to know that there was nothing left unsaid.

I have a lot to tell you, and I have no idea how you'll take it. You might be angry, you might be happy, you might not believe these words at all, but I'm going to write them anyway and you're going to damn well read and accept them!

My moving to Reading was not random. In fact, it was a request of mine. Why, you might ask? Well, you see, when I was sixteen, I decided to look into the whereabouts of my biological parents. Not that I don't love my dad's, as you know I adore them both, but it's only natural for me to have become at least curious about where I came from.

So, I found my mother first. She wasn't what I was expecting and all I'll say is I'm glad she gave me up. My dad on the other hand... well the most important thing I got out of finding him is the knowledge of a half brother. My biological father told me where I could find him, and so, I begged my father's to move us to Reading, and within a year they gave in and made it happen, knowing how important it was for me.

I remember the first time I saw him after spending all first period looking through the online class photos for a face to match the name. He'd been walking down the hall ahead of me at school, and I could already see the likeness between us that shone through from our shared father. I'd been so excited, but then I watched in shock as the boy was cornered by a group of cruel boys.

I didn't even know him, and my instinct to protect him was so strong. I found myself walking right up to those boys despite how utterly terrified I was and telling them off. I even went so far as to slap one of them. Honestly, that was such an adrenaline rush, and I was so scared I'd get in trouble, but I wasn't letting them spew such foul, derogatory slurs at my little brother.

If you haven't clued in by now, Kaily... I'm talking about you.

I know it makes so little sense, but I'll do my best to explain. From what our father told me, during the time he was with your mother, he'd been having an affair with a woman he worked with. When your mother finally left her family and ran to him, he decided to end the affair for a while. During the next few months, your mother had become pregnant, and much to father dearest's chagrin, apparently so had his past lover. The woman came to him with me when I was just a newborn, when your mother was already about six an a half months along. Having become quite taken with your mother, he got angry and told my mother to get rid of me, that he'd have nothing to do either of us.

So, she put me up for adoption. I know I should have told you when we first met, but I didn't know of your relationship with your father and couldn't be sure if I'd ruin your family by revealing his dirty past, or if you'd hate me and think I was crazy or lying. Honestly, it is crazy. Entirely insane that I actually found my little brother, despite father's efforts to separate us.

I became so happy being your friend that I guess the selfish part of me thought that I could just keep it that way and tell you later if the right time ever came along. More and more time passed and it just became harder to tell you. Your mom died, and then you attempted, and then Jace's cancer returned. I was afraid that any more trouble would push you over the edge back then.

And then you left. I really thought I wouldn't see you again, and I regretted not telling you for so long. When I had Ollie, I immediately knew that if I trusted anyone to care for her like I do, it'd be you. Honestly, I don't know how you couldn't tell we were siblings all along. We're more alike than you can believe and I see so much of myself when I'm with you and sometimes I notice myself being very much like you. I smile when that happens, honestly.

I plan to talk to you after the wedding at some point and tell you everything. I want to tell you it all in person, but I suppose this is a just in case. It always has been and I add on to it as years pass just in case there's more I wish to tell you. I guess I'm pretty afraid of not letting all my secrets out. I need you to know these things one way or another if I'm ever to rest at peace.

Before you get upset with them, just know that I made my dad's swear not to tell you until I told you the truth myself. They agreed only because they thought that it was to be dealt with between us as siblings and no one else needed be involved. When they tell you that you are part of my family, they say it honestly, little brother. Kai, I always meant it when I said I love you. You're the only real, blood family I have. Even though you didn't know, it was always me and you against the world for me. I treasure you above everyone, and I know I drive you crazy sometimes and I know I am overbearing, but I just want what's best for you and I think you know that.

Anyway, I need to get a move on with this before it gets TOO long.

The other thing I want to tell you, is that I spoke with Mr. Hughes before he passed. He truly did love you like his own, Kaily. In fact, he left the book store to you in his will. He knew you would come back some day, and I'm still not sure how he had such confidence, but that old man has always had a way of knowing things, huh? Anyway, he left it in my possession until you came back and were ready for it-- as he put it. I thought about telling you of it right away, but with so much going on in your life, something--maybe Mr. Hughes himself--told me you weren't ready for it.

When the engagement happened and everything started working out, I just knew that once everything settled, it would be time. I planned to tell you everything to be honest. I just want this one perfect day with my brother where I can finally let out my secrets and finally see your reaction. Know how you feel about it all. I'm nervous and excited at the same time for it.

Again, if for some reason I never get to give this to you in person, I've put the last key to the book store in this envelope. It's yours to do with as you please. Re-open it, make it something newer and better, sell it. Whatever you think is best. I trust you'll make a good decision, and I know Mr.Hughes does, too. You loved that little place more than anyone.

I guess this is where I say the goodbye, right?

I love you with all my heart, Kaily. As my brother, my best friend, and partner in crime. The time I've spent with you has been the best of my life, and I hope we have many more incredible years to get into trouble and make more memories. (haha maybe like the time we sang and danced to 'Dirty Dancing' eh Kai-bear? ;) )

Anywho, yeah. I love you lots, and honestly I doubt I'll have to give this to you anytime soon, but regardless, I love you all the same and always will.

Love,

Your sister, Zoe.

Dropping the letter to the floor, I stop fighting the ache radiating in my chest and let the sobs I'd been repressing all day out. I bring my knees up to my chest, hugging them tightly as if it'll keep me together, because I don't think I've felt this fragile and vulnerable since the day I thought Jace had died. Zoe is my sister, and I never got to know until it was too late. I'll never be able to tell her how happy that makes me, how much sense it makes. I hate that I won't get to tell her so many things, but most of all, I hate that I'll never get to truly say goodbye.

I'll never get to act like a proper little brother, and I'll never get to laugh with her about how accurate Ollie is in calling me 'uncle'. I'll never get to tell her I love her again, or how I don't hate her for hiding this. My father's presence at the funeral suddenly makes so much sense, but I can't even focus on any of that.

My mind simply keeps screaming out in pain.

Please, Zoe, come back.

I love you.

I miss you.

I have things to tell you.

I want to hug you one more time.

Please, just let me see your smile again.

I'd give anything to have you storm up to me and slap me for scaring you somehow.

Just come through that door.

Tell me this was a joke.

Tell me this is a nightmare.

Please, just don't be gone.

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next time my eyes flutter open, I'm laying in bed in the dark with Jace's arms wrapped tightly around me. Sinking into their comfort, I close my eyes, and let myself fall into dreams filled with memories of Zoe. My bestfriend, and my big sister.

November 2, 2022

Today we're taking Ollie out to talk to her about where she'd like to live. Where she wants to go from here. She may be just a child, but I know personally that even a child knows enough to choose what will make them happiest. Who makes them feel safest and most at home.

As we walk down the trail, Ollie in my arms, balanced carefully on my hip, I hold Jace's hand with my own free one. Yes, we had decided to bring her to our beach. There's not a place either of us can think of that's safer and more welcoming, and the both of us agreed that if we're to let her into our lives as our own, she deserves to be a part of the secret little world we've created here. Maybe, just maybe, she'll find the calm and peacefulness we've both managed to find here.

Her eyes widen at the beautiful waters crashing into the shore as we break out of the trees. Jace lays out a blanket and I quickly adjust us so Ollie is sat between us comfortably. The little girl still hasn't spoken to anyone, and the doctor believes she's developed selective mutism caused by shock, trauma or both.

After some extensive silence, I can feel Jace's hesitance as he meets my gaze, shaking his head at a loss. So I decide to take the lead. "Ollie... there's some thing we need to talk to you about, hun."

She says nothing, but I continue as if she'd nodded along, "Uncle Jace and I really want you to know that we understand how sad you are. How scary it must be to not have your mummy and daddy around. But, we're here for you. No matter what you need, you can ask us or talk to us about it. If you're unhappy, tell us and we'll try to fix it. If you're afraid or sad, we're here to comfort and take care of you. Do you trust us to do that for you?"

She nods, crossing her arms to hug herself slightly, and that action alone breaks my heart and suddenly it's like the words I need to say are all before me and ready to spill. As if Zoe is here urging me to say exactly what I need to.

"Look, babygirl, I understand how you feel. I lost my mummy, too. And my daddy isn't around anymore either. I know how scary the world can seem when things change and the people we see everyday suddenly aren't there anymore, but you know what? Everything will be okay. You don't need to forget about them, in fact remembering them is good. It keeps them close to your heart, and reminds you that they're always watching over you. They'll forever be your guardian angels, hun, just like my mummy is mine. When I was scared and sad, your mummy was there for me and she made me feel really happy again. She hugged me when I cried, and she'd make me laugh and helped me make friends and eventually, even though I still missed having my parents around, I became happy again.

"Ollie, I promise that I'm never going to leave you. Uncle Jace neither. We love you and so does everyone else. If you're scared, if you're sad, if you're mad, if you're lonely. Anything at all, you tell me and I'll do my very best to change that. You're safe with us, and your mummy knew that. That's why she asked us to take care of you if she ever had to leave."

Ollie looks between us now, a quivering frown on her lips as tears trickle down her cheeks over pink, puffy cheeks.

"It's up to you though, Olivia. You are welcome to come live with Uncle Kai and I, or you can choose to stay with your grandpa's. We want you to choose what will make you happiest. No matter where you decide you'd rather be, we'll still be a part of your life. We'll still be here for you whenever you need us, okay?" Jace adds on, carefully brushing back the hair that had fallen in her wet eyes.

She doesn't say anything for a long time, and just as I shift to stand and stretch out my stiff legs, her hand reaches out for me in a panic, as if afraid to let me leave her side, "I... I want to stay with you."

Joy fills me at her words, hearing her voice, having not realized just how badly I was hoping she'd choose us. The three of us spend a little longer just cuddled up on the blanket, eventually pulling a second blanket around us for warmth.

It still hurts, and it's going to take us all a long time to heal, but it'll happen. We're going to be okay--even Ollie. I'll make sure of it. Zoe may be gone, and that my make the raw wounds on my heart ache, but I have Jace and my friends for support and Ollie has Jace and I and her entire family. None of us will suffer alone, and honestly, it's because of Zoe.

I can't help but think she somehow did this all on purpose. Bringing us all together into this tight-knit family of misfits before she had to leave us. It's far from the truth, but it's how it feels. In truth, Zoe was just a girl, but she was a girl who was deeply loved by all who met her. She'll be missed by those she leaves behind, but at least we can say we knew her. I got the opportunity to have such a rarity as not only my best friend, but my sister.

Perhaps people like her just aren't meant to stay long. They come to bring as much light and happiness to this world as possible, but they must be called back to wherever we come from. I may not be religious, but in a way, I can't help but believe that Zoe was truly an angel disguised among us and maybe it was just time for her to go back. She'll continue looking after us all, Ollie especially, of that I'm sure.

With that thought, I tighten my grip on Jace's hand as I lean back with my eyes closed. A small content smile blooming on my face on my face as I choose to look at only the good things still in my life. The light and happiness remaining despite the looming sadness.

Dear Zoe,

I hope you're watching with a smile. We'll learn to be okay, and I'm going to make sure your little girl grows up to be just as amazing as you. She'll make you so damn proud.

Just you wait and see.

Love,

Your little brother, Kai 

~Shay<3