August 8, 2022

The tires of my car screech to a halt as I park outside Seth's little house. Wasting no time, I quickly get out, slam my car door, and storm up to the front door, hammering my fist against it angrily.

Jace catches up to me seconds later looking bewildered, "What do you plan on doing!?"

"This," I spit as the door swings open.

Without hesitation, I'm stepping forward, driving my fist into the jaw of a very shocked looking Seth.

"What the hell, Kai!?" He shouts angrily as he falls back against a wall for support.

"I think I should be saying that to you! Why would you do that to Charlie!?" I nearly scream, frustration eating at my normally calm and collected exterior.

"Oh, please! Like he's so innocent! Jerk deserved it," Seth growls at me, but I can see the hurt in his eyes.

I know that Seth has a lot of issues when it comes to letting people in. I can even go so far as to say they are worse than mine. Where I feel sadness, he feels anger and bitterness. Where I'm uncertain, he's stubborn. As much as I wish to help him, I know that no one can help him get over this but himself, and I think a relationship with Charlie could have helped him do that, but no, he had to be childish about all this.

"What happened between Charlie and I was an accident and we've both apologized for our actions. Now, I know why you are the way you are, but this!? Seth this is low even for you. What you've done is down right cruel!" I spit at him, shoving him back once he stands upright.

"Of course you'd take his side! Jesus. Daisy really isn't enough for you huh!? First Jace, now you have Charlie on the side, too? I never knew you could be such a-"

Before he can finish that sentence I'm on top of him punching him, dodging the fists he throws back at me, "Screw you! How dare you! You of all people! How dare you of all people call me a whore! Screw you, Seth. Just screw you!"

Before I can do any real damage, or Seth can get a good swing at me, Jace is pulling us apart and pushing us out to arms length on either side of him, "Now hold on!"

Jace takes a moment and looks over Seth before sighing and turning to me, "He's drunk."

I frown and look Seth over before realizing how haggard he looks. It's wrong, because I feel guilt for hitting my friend over an intoxicated comment, and that my friend is in such a condition because he's hurt... but, the mention of alcohol has me craving it and that itself puts me in a shitty mood.

"To hell with this. I'm tired of saving your ass all the time. Clean up your own mess for once, Seth, because I'm so done. You want to mess with people's feelings because you can't face your own? Go right ahead, but leave my friend out of it," I snap, turning to leave.

Just as I'm half way out the door, I hear him half shout, half slur, "How is what you're doing any different!? We both know how this ends, Harkins!"

I glare at him so harshly that the smile wipes clean off his face as I grab Jace's hand and tug him behind me, gently pushing him out of the house, "You're wrong. I'd never hurt someone the way you did, because unlike you I actually have a heart, Seth."

With that, I slam his door shut and storm to my car, tears building and ready to fall. As soon as I'm sat in my car, hands on the wheel and looking forward, I just freeze. I stare at the road before me as rain begins to fall and suddenly I'm filled with so much anger and frustration and sadness that I just snap. I slam my fists against the dashboard, letting loose a string of profanity until Jace's gentle hand grabs mine in his own and his voice enters my mind, soothing all the tension somehow.

"It's going to be okay," He says into the void of silence between us, his soft voice the only sound other than the rain on the roof of the car.

I look up into his eyes and for some reason, feel one of my defenses fall, "How do you know that?"

His smile makes my stomach twist in a way I hate, because I'm meant to be fighting these feelings, but his words resonate with me regardless, "When you love someone enough, you'll do anything to keep them in your life. Love teaches you to be selfish, Kai; That's a given. But, it also teaches you to be selfless."

I take a moment to let those words sink in, and then quickly dismiss them, "Yeah, well, sometimes being selfless gets you hurt, Jace. When someone is too selfish, and you keep giving to them, eventually they'll end up just taking everything you are and leaving you a hollow mess. "

"Don't say that, Kai. It's never a bad thing to be selfless. You shouldn't be afraid to give yourself to someone you love," He says, sounding very melancholic.

"Seth and I get along because in some twisted way, we're kindred spirits. We've both been left bitter by those who left us behind. We just deal with it differently," I mutter.

"How do you deal with it?" He asks.

"By acting like I'm okay," I whisper.

Jace's fingers find their way across the seats until they are laced with mine and he says, "You're not though, are you?"

I shake my head rapidly, letting the tears fall as he pulls me into his arms. It's awkward, because I'm leaning over the arm rest in the car, and his arms can't perfectly hold me, but at the same time, I'm the most comfortable I've ever been.

"Do you ever wish you were somebody different?" I ask him, despite the way I choke on a sob.

I let him think on it for a moment, but seconds later he shakes his head and pulls back to smile at me, "No."

"Why, though!? If you were someone else you'd never have had to deal with your parents, or fight for the life you wanted to lead, and you wouldn't have cancer! How can you not wish to be someone else?" Like I do, I finish in my mind.

His smile widens slightly, but it's sad, "Because, despite all that, I still got to be the man who earned the love of Kai Harkins. His pure, whole-hearted, and slightly insane love. I'd never want to be someone else if it meant letting someone else take that spot in your heart. That's the selfish side of my love."

"What's the selfless side?" I whisper, staring at him through the darkness that now fills the car as the sun finally sets.

"Accepting that as much as I want you back, I need to let you move on. Selfishly, I keep you in my life. Selflessly, I don't ask for more than that," He mumbles into my shoulder as he pulls me close again and just sort of holds me. "I'll always love you from afar if it means keeping you close."

It shouldn't make sense, but it does. So I don't question it and just let him hold me, no matter how wrong it is, because in this moment, I don't care about right and wrong. I care about my happiness, and his happiness, and the fact that he's here and how much I enjoy that.

"This is where things get complicated... isn't it?" I whisper into the silence.

"I think so... but, we've weathered worse," He chuckles sadly.

I laugh under my breath and speak up ever so slightly, "Can I be selfish, just once more?"

"I think you deserve it, at the very least," he admits.

I nod and sigh, "Please... don't go home to him tonight."

There's a long silence between the two of us, and after a while, my heart begins to pound violently in my chest as I realize how stupid I'm being. What a ridiculous thing to ask him. To beg him not to return to his own boyfriend. What am I doing!?

"On one condition," He says suddenly, making me jump.

I glance over at him as a fearful, but determined look takes over his expression. "Anything, Jace."

"You don't go home to her... stay with me tonight," He whispers and I fear my heart may burst with the amount of conflicted emotions that flicker within it, causing it to beat erratically and wonderfully.

I look deep into his eyes, adoring what I find there, as my answer leaves my lips so naturally, "Okay."

**

We enter the Levett residence once more, this time locking the door behind us and walking straight into the entertainment room. Martyn sits there on his own watching some cartoon, speaking without looking up.

"I though you weren't spending the night, bro?" He says.

"Change of plans," I say, snickering when Martyn jumps and whips around.

His eyes flicker between us for a moment before he turns serious, "I hope you two know what you're doing."

"We want to watch tv, if you don't mind?" Jace says, ignoring his brother.

Martyn sighs, looking up at me before smiling sadly, "So that's how it is, huh? Well, goodnight you two. I bid thee farewell."

He bows gracefully before leaving the room and the two of us in silence. Jace only hesitates for a minute before stepping forward and setting up the DVD player. "What do you feel like watching?"

I watch him for a few seconds, realizing I'm still just standing in the middle of the room. Quickly stepping forward and plopping down on a sofa, I shrug, "Anything is fine, really."

He puts something in the DVD player and quickly comes over and sits with me on the sofa. The second I see the screen for 'Howl's Moving Castle' I burst out laughing and lean against Jace until he practically pulls me into a more cuddly position.

"Oh my, remember the first time we watched this together and we woke up to a very pissed of Charlie?" I say, shaking with laughter.

I feel him laughing against me, "I swore he was about to kill you."

"We were so ridiculous! Always trying to make the other jealous. Did I ever tell you about how Charlie threatened me to stay away from you? I swear I just gunned for you harder," I chuckle, wiping away tears.

"No! Jesus, we were so dramatic. About everything," he says, trying not to laugh any harder.

"Oh my god, I know. I cringe just thinking about how melodramatic I could be. I mean... I locked myself in my room for like a week. I was freaking hungry, but nope! Screw that because Jace Levett didn't love me," I say, making us both crack up again.

"You drove me mad sometimes, but I think I drove charlie even more mad because the whole time you were locked up I was complaining to him about how I missed you and needed you to come out," he says shaking his head. "Safe to say, we were a mess."

"Were? Pretty sure we still are," I say calmly, looking up and smirking at him.

He smirks back and for a moment, I just look at him. I think back to every moment we've spent together, good and bad, and it hits me now that I have no regrets. I wouldn't take back a single thing, even if it meant taking away some of my pain. Jace is, and always will be, so worth it.

"You shouldn't look at me like that," He mumbles.

I smile softly, "And why's that?"

"I might do something a friend shouldn't," he whispers.

My smiles becomes a slight smirk at that, "But Mr. Levett, you have a doting boyfriend to think of."

"And you, Mr. Harkins, have a loving girlfriend," he replies.

"Shame, we could do such fun things," I reply seductively.

"Oh? Like what?" Jace whispers, lifting a curious brow.

I nod, biting my lip and leaning close to whisper in his ear," like... Me kicking your ass at sonic again!"

Giggling, I get up and run across the hall to the game room, laughing harder as Jace chases after me, yelling about how awful I am. I laugh even harder as he tackles me onto the couch, practically throwing all his weight on to me.

"Oomph! Jace... can't... breathe," I choke through my laughter.

When he doesn't reply I look up into his face and see his eyes fixated on something to my left. I follow his gaze and see my sleeve has slid down a bit, revealing my old tattoo.

"Do you ever regret getting that?" He asks quietly.

His weight suddenly doesn't feel so heavy, it feels comforting, "Never have, and never will."

Jace goes quiet for a bit and even tho it should be awkward, because its dimly lit and he's laying on top of me--and I'm just laying here staring at the freckles along his nose that are rather faint--it's not awkward whatsoever. In fact I've never felt so comfortable. Like I'm at home.

"In another life I'd make you mine, right now. If I could be care free, and twist my morals, and forget the feelings of others, and not worry about the outcome; I would kiss you and tell you I want you back right now," Jace says so quietly I hardly hear him.

"But, we're not teenagers who act on a whim anymore, Love. We have responsibilities, and people who deserve better. I want all of that and more, but we both know we just can't. We had our chance, and we blew it. Why ruin the good we have now for something that could end horribly?" I say, feeling my heart growing heavier with each word spoken.

His head drops onto my shoulder, and I can feel him shaking. Warmth hits my neck and it's then that my own tears flow over and I wrap my arms around Jace, hugging him to me fiercely.

"This is all so messed up," he whimpers into my shirt. "It shouldn't be this difficult. I'm trying to be your friend, but it's hard because I need so much more than that from you."

"I know... Trust me, I know," I whisper, pain radiating through my heart.

He pulls back and presses his forehead against mine, our sorrow filled eyes meeting. We both know what we want, and yet neither of us makes the first move. I'm afraid and I know he is, too. Perhaps for different reasons; perhaps not.

Only one question truly holds us back: Could we survive the fallout of our actions?

"Sleep with me," he says suddenly, grip tightening on my arms.

My eyes widen, whether in fear or excitement I don't know, "Jace, you know we can't-"

"I don't mean sex. I honestly, and truly, just want to sleep with you. I want to feel your warmth next to me. I want my blankets to smell like you again. I want to wake up hoping to see one special face, and not have to hate myself for being disappointed that it's not yours," He says, passion and yearning entering his voice. "We're friends and that's all we can be, so I can't make love to you, or kiss you and love you how I've always wished to, but I don't recall sharing a bed with a friend to be crossing a line."

I smile, and it quickly widens as I chuckle softly, "Look at you finding loops holes."

He grins and I adore the sparkle in his eye as I slowly stand from the sofa and take his hand, pulling him to his feet. The sound of our sock muted footsteps climbing the stairs match my nervous heartbeat as I lead Jace to his room.

Just as we stand outside the door, I peer inside and freeze at the sight of his room. His bed, it looks as though nothing has changed. Like a decade hasn't passed at all. Like it was only yesterday we spent those amazing nights together in here.

"Are you okay?" He asks, resting his hands on my shoulders gently.

I curse myself for trembling and having to turn my back from the room, tipping my chin upwards and forcing my tears back as I speak, "Do you think maybe we can sleep somewhere else tonight?"

He looks confused momentarily, but his eyes quickly soften as he realizes my reasoning. I've always loved that about him. How he can figure me out and be so understanding. Always knowing the right things to do and say.

"That's more than okay, come on," he says softly, pulling me into a spare bedroom down the hall.

Once inside, I more or less stand there as Jace slowly strips down to his boxers, shocking me with how casually he does so, and climbs into bed, only to look up at me expectantly. A blush creeps along my cheeks as I avoid making eye contact and slowly begin undressing.

Just as my shirt falls to the floor and I reach to unbuckle my jeans, my phone goes off. Quickly jumping in fright and pulling it from my pocket, I freeze at the name.

"It's Daisy," I tell him, not entirely sure why.

"You can answer," he says, but I can see something flicker behind his eyes, and it tells me the exact opposite.

I just sigh and shake my head as I turn off my phone and toss it on the bedside table. "She'll just think I passed out. Tonight I'm with a friend and I want it to be about that friend and only him."

Jace sighs and looks at me sadly, but with a new sense of determination, I quickly discard my jeans and climb into the bed and pull the blanket up to my chest. Sliding in next to Jace, but leaving just enough space between us that we don't touch but can feel the others warmth.

It's then that his phone goes off and without looking he turns to me with a frown, "I won't answer, but I don't know how I'll explain myself."

I frown, "You don't owe anyone an explanation. You could just be crashing at your parents house. He should just trust you."

That strange look enters Jace's eyes again and it leaves a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, "Jace?"

"Yeah?"

"Is everything okay with Jasper?" I ask hesitantly, afraid I might be crossing boundaries. "I mean... he's good to you, right?"

Jace looks up at me slightly stunned, mouth gaping as he searches for words, "Of course! What would make you think otherwise? Jasper is a good person, Kai."

I smile and shrug, "I just worry about you is all. If I can't have you, I at least want to know you're with someone who will treat you as well as I would, if not better... if that's possible."

"I think it's time for bed, we're getting too deep again," He says sadly, leaning over to turn off the lamp, launching us into darkness.

I nod even though he can't see and curl up beneath the covers. We lay in silence for a long while, neither of us going to sleep, and both of us knowing there's more we want to say, but neither of us speak. I'm sure an hour nearly passes before I feel Jace's body shift so he's on his side facing me.

"Is there anything you don't tell people, even me? Things that you're ashamed of? Things... you're afraid others will judge you for?" Jace whispers.

I turn on my side as well and stare at his dark glistening eyes, barely able to see him in the moonlit room, "I think everyone has secrets like that. No one's perfect, Jace. We've all made mistakes that we'd rather not let anyone find out about, but if it's hurting you, I'm here to talk. You know I'd never judge you. I'd be a hypocrite at this point."

He nods and goes silent again, and it bothers me, because the Jace I knew was always open with his feelings, "What is it, Jace?"

"It's nothing, Kai. Just an honest question out of curiosity. Goodnight, sleep well," He says, closing his eyes.

I shut my eyes too and tentatively inch my hand across the sheets until it finds his and I slowly take his trembling hand in mine, causing him to squeeze it, proving that something is clearly wrong. What that is, is the real question.

"Everything's going to be okay, Love. I'm here," I whisper as I slowly feel myself drift into unconsciousness.

The last thing I hear is a soft, "Thank you, Kai."

***

August 9, 2022

I wake to the beautiful sensation of morning sun on my bare back, comforting me despite the morning chill. The smell of raspberries faint, but noticeable as I try to snuggle deeper into my blankets, but freeze at the feeling of something soft against my cheek and something warm and heavy suddenly shifting against me.

My eyes open in a flash and my heart stops at the gorgeous sight before me. I'm laying cuddled up against Jace, my head resting on his chest, which rises and falls steadily, followed by a soft sweet snore that escapes his slightly parted lips. His lips, so pink and perfect. His dark lashes cascading across his snow white complexion, hiding his beautiful crystal blues from me. Everything about him look so peaceful, but peaceful is far from what I am currently feeling.

Panic shoots through me. Fear, pain, love and so much more courses through my veins and straight to my heart as I gently pull away, trying to tear my gaze away as well, but finding myself unable. This is wrong. I shouldn't have done this. I keep giving myself a taste and it only makes me want him more. I know I said I need to be friends, but I just don't think I'm ready yet.

I need to stop craving him as I do, I need space. Before I do any true damage, something that we can't take back. Something that could hurt more than just us. Being here is wrong, I don't belong here with him. It's just not my place anymore and the longer I see him laying there, the space next to him open for someone to lay comfortably against him, I realize how badly I want to be there, but also how it doesn't belong to me. That's Jasper's place now, not mine.

Choking back tears, I quickly grab a pen an paper and scribble a short note before running from the room and once again, from my problems. Shame stabs at my heart, for the only thing I could think to write, was two measly words. Two words that said so little, and yet so much. Two words that I have grown tired of hearing, and tired of saying.

I'm sorry.

~Shay<3