August 23,2022

"Uncle Kaily! Are you feeling lots better?" Little Ollie exclaims, running up to me the next morning as I enter the main cabin.

I smile warmly and scoop her up, "Much. I didn't scare you yesterday, did I?" I'd been worried she'd seen what happened, but Zaq promised he brought her inside as soon as he saw what was going on.

"Uh-uh, daddy said you have a sickness that makes you super scared, and I said 'maybe if I went and hugged him and told him he was safe, he won't be scared no more' but daddy said mommy would take care of you like she does for me when I have nightmares, so I knew you'd be A-OK!" She babbles adorably, making me grin ear to ear.

"She did exactly that!" I say, walking up and letting Zoe take her daughter. "Your mommy is the scariest thing around now. So, I think we're safe."

Zoe purses her lips at me and pokes my side as Ollie giggles, "Did you sleep well, Kaily? Daisy said you tossed a bit."

I shrug, "Well enough. Is Jace up yet?"

Charlie and Seth both come out then, sleepy eyed with bedhead. Charlie being more awake than what appears to be a half dead Seth says, "Oh, he's been up a while. Jasper was allowed to stay until morning until someone could pick him up. He and Jace had it out this morning and it didn't end on the happiest sounding terms. You might want to give him some space, he sounded pretty upset."

I sigh and flop on a couch, scrubbing my hands over my face, "This is all my fau--"

"Don't. We all know that guy is bad news. We heard Jace giving him shit for worsening your attack. You didn't do anything wrong," Leah says, coming over and cuddling into my side, a yawning Daisy already cuddled into the other.

"Look at Kai, always covered in women, ya hound," Jared jokes, setting a plate with scrambled eggs on it on the coffee table before me.

"The ladies love me," I joke half-heartedly. "I just... It's like every time he and I make progress, something comes between us and it usually has to do with me. Even if Jasper worsened the attack, it was happening anyway and it shouldn't have. It was stupid."

A thump makes us all jump and turn our heads to see a sleepy Lucy purrowing as she rubs her cheek, having bumped into a wall, "This would be a lot more fun if these walls would quit jumping out of nowhere."

Leah rolls her eyes and gets up, grabbing lucy gently-ish by the arm and hauling her towards the bathroom sighing, "Let's dab it with some cold water on it now before it swells you hazard."

"Ooh, alone time? With Leah? Yes, please!" Lucy quips cheekily.

I chuckle and bump a glaring seth with my knee and wink, "Like brother like sister, huh Sethy?"

"Don't remind me," he grumbles, grabbing a surprised Charlie by the waist and hauling him away.

"Uh, where are we going?" Charlie squeaks, trying not to spill his coffee.

"A date, our third official date," Seth says meeting my gaze. "We're going on a picnic."

Charlie sputters about lacking a shirt still and Seth insists he doesn't need it and in a matter of seconds they are out the door with a basket handed to Seth by Zoe (I bet they planned this last night those little craps).

I chat with everyone and somewhat eat my meal, but the entire time my mind is filled with thoughts of Jace. What is he doing? Is he okay? Should I check on him? Does he not want to see me? Is he mad at me? Does he blame me? Did he and Jasper break up?

So many things and despite it all, I force a pleasant smile onto my face and somehow manage to keep up with all the conversations. It isn't until Zoe pulls me away from the group when I notice I haven't been completely inconspicuous about my feelings. As usual Zoe sees right through me.

"Stop worrying yourself. Jace is a grown man and he'll figure this out. You can't always take the blame just because you always get dragged into everyone's problems," Zoe says sternly. "I know you love him, but you have to remember what you yourself said. You can't cross the line between want and need, Kaily. From wishing for his assistance and presence in your life to co-dependance. It's not healthy and you know it, I won't watch you crumble to nothing again. I wont."

I nod miserably, "I know, I'm sorry."

She smiles and pecks my cheek, "Don't be. Just think about yourself a little more, okay? Now! I have to set up the party, so I want you to take Ollie to the beach. Maybe it'll get you in a happier mood, lord knows that girl has her ways."

I chuckle at that and soon I have the little munchkin holding my hand as she skips down the trail to keep up with my larger steps.

"You're so fast, Uncle Kaily!" She giggles.

"Go faster you say!?" I exclaim playfully.

She shrieks in laughter as I scoop her up onto my shoulders and start running forward. The sound of her happiness is enough to warm me to the core and put a grin on me face, and let me tell you, it feels good to just have fun for once.

**

"Uncle Kaily, come help me!" Ollie shouts over the sound of the waves.

I get up off my towel and look over the sand castle she's making and smile, "It's looking good! But you know what it's missing?"

"What?" She says, mouth forming a perfect curious 'O'.

"Decorations! Let's look for shells and stuff to make it look prettier," She gets so excited by that and bolts down the beach in search of things for her castle.

"Thanks for taking her, I forgot I promised Zoe I'd do it," I hear from beside me as a body drops in the sand next to me.

I look over and can't help but admire the beautiful, slightly sweaty, man beside me as I shrug, "It's not a problem. I like hanging out with her and it's been a nice way to relax since..."

I trail off, not sure if I want to be the first to bring up last night. There's just too many questions and not enough answers I'm willing to give or receive.

"Yeah," He says quietly.

I sigh and shake my head, "I'm sorry, Jace. I didn't mean to cause trouble for--"

"It's not your fault," he says sternly, staring into my eyes with a sort of intensity that makes me lose my breath a little. "Jasper and I have had issues for a while, last night just... I told him I want to take a break. I need to think some stuff through."

I nod and lean back on my hands to relax a little, "That's good then, that you're doing what's best for you. I'm here for you, no matter how this all ends. You know that, right?"

He smiles warmly at that and nods, "I know, Kai. Thank yo-"

"Uncle Jacey!" Ollie's voice squeals as she throws her arms around his neck, knocking them both over in the sand.

I burst out laughing at Jace's surprise, before he grabs me by the shirt and yanks me down into the sand too, sending Olivia into a fit of giggles.

"Oh, you think that's funny do you?" I say, tickling the little brat.

"S-st-stop!" She stutters in laughter.

"I think she wants more tickles!" Jace says, joining in.

"No!" She laughs, shaking her head profusely. "Pretty please!"

"Well, only because you said please," I chuckle, dusting sand out of her hair. "Did you get the shells?"

Ollie nods and points to a pile next to the sand castle and drags Jace and I over to start helping her decorate. For once, I actually have pure and innocent fun with Jace, laughing as he tries to turn the castle into an alien space palace and Ollie scolds him and tells him it is a castle for the princess. Jace then got to laugh as Ollie crowned me of all people the princess; twig crown and all.

It's around four when we decide it's probably about time we head back to the party with the birthday girl. As we walk, I breathe deeply and peacefully as I walk contently with Jace and little Ollie holding our hands in the middle.

As we reach the last trail to the camp, Ollie runs ahead and as I smile and watch her little self go, I feel Jace's hand slowly and almost nervously slip into mine. Without looking, I tighten my grip around his hand to let him know it's okay, and when he squeezes back I smile and simply walk a little closer to him. I like this. Today was just... right. That's the only way to describe it.

I'm still holding his hand as we follow Ollie into the cabin, laughing at the excited gasp she does at the sight of balloons and streamers everywhere. Everyone sees our linked hands, but it seems Jace doesn't notice until Daisy comes closer and he instantly jerks away.

That hurt a little.

"Happy birthday, Ollie!" Everyone shouts happily.

The blush on the sweet girl's cheeks is adorable as her mother, who I can now never imagine not being a mother, fastens a birthday hat to her head.

"How old are you now, Olivia?" Kyle asks.

"You know how old I am, Grampa!" Olivia says with a little grin.

"Of course! You're five, right!?" Rhys says with a playful questioning look.

"No, papa!" Ollie giggle. "I'm seven!"

"Wow! You're almost all grown up!" Grams says happily.

Zaq groans and shakes his head, "Don't remind me. Before I know it I'll be scaring off skater boys and goths trying to get in her pants."

"Zaq!" Zoe exclaims in horror covering Ollie's little ears. "Don't be weird!"

"Do you deny it?" He laughs.

Zoe rolls her eyes and pushes him away playfully, making Ollie want to join her mom in ganging up on her daddy. I can't help but envy them. Such a beautiful family. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find that. One glance across the room and I see Jace staring at them with the same longing that I'm sure is in my own eyes. His eyes flicker up to me for a second before they tear away, trying to hide behind his hair that falls forward.

Will there ever be a day where things aren't awkward between us?

***

The birthday had been a success and everyone had a lovely time, but two days later and things have gotten weird. Grams had to leave yesterday and tonight Rhys and Kyle will be too. Lucy and Leah stopped bickering and actually (suspiciously) started getting awfully friendly. Seth always seems to be avoiding Charlie, and Charlie himself keeps awfully quiet and I can't help but wonder if something else happened on their date.

Then there's Jacce. With Daisy hanging around, he keeps avoiding me and it's starting to drive me crazy. Every morning he's already up and leaving for the day or busy with zaq or off with Ollie. The only time he talks a little is around the fire at dinner and even then it's nothing worth mentioning.

I find Rhys and Kyle in their room shoving things into suitcases until they see me and invite me in.

"Hey Kai, what can we do for you?" Rhys says with a cheerful smile.

"Well, I need some advice and... Well, you guys are the only fatherly figures I have in my life," I explain awkwardly, cheeks burning with embarrassment. "I mean you both helped me realize I was gay, so I figure there's not much else I can't tell you."

The two men share concerned looks, sitting down on the bed, Kyle taking the initiative, "You can come to us for anything, Kai. We've always considered you apart of our family."

I nod and sit on a little wooden chest, trying to figure out how to say any of this, "I've made a huge mess of things and I don't know how to fix it. Jace is acting like Jasper leaving isn't my fault, but I know it is. He's hardly talking to me and I know that I've been causing problems for him all along. After the kiss, the second kiss, the night I spent at his parents, the interview, the third kiss, and now I practically put him in a position he felt he had to choose me. Not to mention he keeps feeling guilty because he thinks we're hurting Daisy too, so he won't even stay in the same room anymore if she's with me. Worst part?... I'm--I'm not really dating Daisy. I mean I am, but not really. She needed someone to make her parents get off her back, and I liked her company. It just worked, but now? Now she feels obligated to stay, and I just... I've screwed up so much."

They both stay in stunned silence, taking in what I've said and I all but almost lose my mind listening to the clock, until Rhys speaks.

"It sounds to me like you and Jace really need to talk all this out, and if I thought Jasper was a decent guy I'd say talk to him and let him see you don't want him to see you as a threat. But... that man isn't right for Jace. I want to hurt him for what he did to you and Leah," Rhys sighs in annoyance at the memory.

"As for the Daisy thing... Kai, I'm sure you had your reasons, but if it's not making anyone happy, it's time to end it," Kyle offers.

"I'll look pathetic if the truth comes out," I mutter miserably.

Rhys chuckles and smiles at me, "You don't owe anyone the truth, Kai. That was a private decision, and it can stay one. Just 'break up' and who's going to question that? Relationships don't always work and Daisy is such a sweet girl, you both should be happy and this clearly isn't making either of you happy anymore."

I nod and smile slightly, "I'll think it over... And if Jace stops avoiding me for any length of time I'll give talking a go I guess. Thanks... You know, I always wished I had a dad to go to with my problems, and now I somehow have two awesome ones."

They both smile warmly at me, standing up to give me goodbye hugs and I promise to come visit sometime and then I leave them to finish packing, feeling a little better, but still having one last person I needed to talk to.

**

Later that afternoon, I find Zoe in the kitchen to ask what she thinks of all this, because I honestly just feel so conflicted.

"Kaily, I'm sure everything's fine, my dad's are right," Zoe says with a smile, wiping Ollie's mouth clean from lunch. "There sweetie, you can go play outside now."

"Okay, but--"

"What you really want to know is if Jace is avoiding you because--you hope--he reciprocates your feelings?" She says completely straight faced.

I open my mouth to argue, but then just shrug, "Is it so bad to hope?"

"Of course not," Zoe sighs, sitting at the kitchen table with me. "It's just... I think he's confused. He's in a position where his current boyfriend--"

"They're on a break," I mutter, making her frown at me.

"A break, not broken up. But, he probably feels like shit that he chose you over the guy he's supposed to love, and even shittier that he feels like shit for choosing you. Now, how would it look if he asked for a break and then got buddy-buddy with you? I think he's just as confused in all this as you, babes," Zoe explains, looking at me with a sad gleam in her eye.

"We had a moment at the beach," I admit, not really sure why.

"How so?"

"When we were with Ollie... I don't know it felt nice, natural even. But, it hurt because I could imagine how wonderful it would be if we really were a family and had a kid, but the fact is that can never happen," I say, ignoring the searing pain in my chest. "On the way back, he held my hand and I felt so happy, and dammit I want that again. I want him. Zoe, I can't help it, I am so in love with him."

The admission comes from my lips without meaning to, and I freeze at my own words. I'm... I'm in love with Phil? In love? How could I let this... I tried so hard to fight it, I--

"Oh, Kai," Zoe comes over to my shocked self and wipes a tear.

I didn't realize I started crying. "I need to end this thing with Daisy... I need to tell him."

"I don't think--"

"No, Zoe." I say firmly, standing. "I tried to do what's right. I tried to forget my feelings, be his friend and even accept Jasper. But... I just can't. Even... Even if he doesn't love me back, I just need him to know."

"Kaily--"

"No, please. You can't change my--"

She bites her lip and looks behind me, confusing me and making me turn, only to see a tearful Jace.

My eyes widen, heart pounding unevenly, "Jace, I-"

He shakes his head, a small sob escaping him, "I can't--I'm... Stay away from me."

"Jace!" Zoe and I shout after him as he turns and storms back outside.

I run out after him, but he's already storming towards his cabin, "Jace, please just listen! I can exp--"

"I really don't want to hear it!" Jace turns, shouting at me. "Take your worries, and your confusing crap, and your... your stupid love and just leave me alone! I can't handle this right now, Kai. I can't, I'm at my limit!"

"You!? You're at your limit!?" I snap viciously. "No, you know what? Screw you! Screw you and your mixed signals! Screw you and everything I adore about you! Screw you more, because I am so tired of hurting over you! I'm at my limit!"

"Shut up!" He cries angrily, pushing me back roughly.

"No! I'm so done being the pathetic guy on the side, there to hold you and comfort you and let you use me whenever your boyfriend decides you're his damned punching bag--"

Smack.

"I have never used you! Just shut up, Kai! I swear to god, shut up!" He growls angrily through tears, looking down at me somehow.

I smile bitterly and shake my head in disgust, "Or what, Jace!? Are you going to hit me again!? Hurt me the way Jasper hurts you when you fight back!? Will treating me like he treats you make you feel better!?"

I swear every bit of colour in his face drains as his anger vanishes into anguish and he whispers, "No."

"Go on! Hit me again! It's not abuse, right!? A bruise or scratch is nothing, right!? Fuccking hit me!" I yell, adrenaline being the only thing keeping me together.

He actually hit me...

"No... I won't," he sobs harshly. "Kai, I'm so sorry!"

I shake my head, tears pouring down my cheeks, "I don't care how sorry you are, you hit me. I love you, but screw you if you think I'm going to stand here and ruin myself over you for another second."

Ignoring his pleas and the concerned shouts of my friends, I angrily unlock my car, swiping at my tears and start it up. I hear Jace hitting the window, begging me to stop, but I ignore it. I ignore everything and hit the gas, leaving everything behind.

Without a direction in mind I just drive. I don't care where I end up as long as it's not here. Where I'm surrounded by reminders of all my mistakes.

My biggest? Falling back in love with Jacen fucking Levett.

~Shay<3