August 25, 2022

I don't know where I'm going, and I don't entirely mind. All I care is that I'm moving forward. Not once have I glanced in that rear-view mirror, fearing I'll cave in and go back. I can't, not yet.

My anger has long gone by now; replaced with a hollow, aching pain radiating in my chest. I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling other than painful and it's hard to breathe. I feel lost and my shaking hands on the steering wheel are proof I'm starting to break down, slowly losing my resolve to hate... That man. My eyes of all things somehow remain dry for once.

On either side of me I see trees blurring by as I speed down the country back roads. Not another vehicle in sight as I slowly press my foot a little harder on the acceleration. For once, the distance as I run like a mutt with it's tail between it's, isn't relenting. Instead, I feel the invisible ropes tying me to what I yearn to leave behind tighten.

"Would you mind joining me for coffee?" "I'm Jace. Jace Levett." "I don't want you to kill yourself. Why? You don't deserve to die. You don't even know me. I want to." "I promise I'll take care of you." "I would never hurt you, I swear." "You're worth more than you think, Kai. I really wish you could see that." "-shut up, you're perfect." "Kai, I want you and only you." "To be honest, I don't think there's anyone quite like you." "I promise I'll do my best to make your dream come true. I'll make you happy." "The only person who I have room in my heart for these days is you, Kailas Harkins." "Of all the things I planned to do, leaving you would never be one of them." "I'd do anything if it meant being with you, Kai." "Don't waste your life on me."

A scream rips from my throat, my eyes squeezing shut trying desperately to shut out the memories of the sweet nothings a Jace I once knew spoke. Words said because of blind, naive love. Promises made by someone with no intent to keep them. Stop. Stop. Stop! I can't handle this--just stop! Please, get out of my head!

My eyes open in time to see I've drifted into the wrong lane and a pair of headlights are shining a little too close for comfort. Panic hitting me, I swerve around them just in time, hardly hearing them curse at me as I quickly slow and pull my car over to the shoulder of the dirt road. I waste little time throwing open my door and running for the ditch as I drop to my hands and knees, throwing up what little content was in my stomach. Fear shoots through me, making my breathing escalate as I fall back and sit against the side of my hunk of junk car.

What the hell am I doing!? I could have died.

I lean my head back, taking in deep gulps of air, trying to calm myself, but my adrenaline won't fade and my heart won't slow, and it isn't due to fear this time. My hand slowly reaches up and rubs gently over my chest as the first tear falls.

"I did though. I tried so hard, Jace. No one can say I didn't try, but I just couldn't forget you. This heart refused to let you go," I whisper, gripping at the flesh where a heart beat so furious pounds. "Why am I the only one trapped? Why can't I just let you go? Why won't you love me like you used to? Jace... I want you back. I want us."

I must sound like a loon speaking to myself in the almost darkness, with nothing but the tall, looming trees to hear my pathetic pleas for a love lost long ago. I don't need him, I don't need anyone. I've proved this to myself. I don't live well without him, but dammit I still walk on and breathe and survive. I can live without him, I just don't want to anymore. I'm so sick of this existence. I am sick of being just Kai. I want Kai and Jace. I want to wake up and see his face. I want to cook dinner and have him tell me how lovely it tastes. I want him to be there to greet me when I get home from work, with that familiar crooked grin I adore. I want him to hold me, and kiss me, and tell me he loves me and only me, again. I want back what we had. We shouldn't have lost what we were, I did nothing to deserve having that taken from me and dammit why should I have to sit here now and watch as I slowly lose Jace to someone as cruel and vile as Jasper!?

A cry of frustration overwhelms me as another tear falls and I chuck a rock angrily into the trees and bury my face in my knees, wishing I could just fade away for a little while and stop feeling this agonizing pain. This knot in my chest, this feeling of not knowing what to do next. More than anything, I wish for nothing more than to silence the ghostly words that have been left on repeat in my mind. I clung to them for so long, and at one time, they meant the world to me, but now? Now, they are meaningless unless I can hear them from Jace himself today. Living, breathing, heart pounding beneath my finger tips. Like it used to. Because it beat for me like mine beat for him. We were in love... and it seems now I might be the only one still fighting for that love.

He left me in the dark for so long, but what does that even matter? I'm exhausted with all this back and forth, the fighting, the need for answers. The truth is, there is no proper answer for why everything went so wrong and why we somehow came back together. The best I can offer as an explanation is that, life is a curious thing. Every time you think you have it figured out, it proves you wrong. Life in itself isn't so much a solidified thing, as it is merely an idea. One as fluid as the wind and difficult to define. An option, a gift. It gives you what it thinks you can handle and sometimes even more than that. It tests us and plays with us and it nurtures us and in the end, we really don't have much to say about it other than; I lived. I did my best with what I was given and learned all that life had to teach me.

All the way to the end, we yearn to live without difficulties and pain, but it's when we reach that end and look back that we realize that our life would never be the same without those obstacles and the things that nearly broke us. We wouldn't be who we are today without it, and while you may believe that to be a good thing, it could also be the opposite. Pain teaches us to be observant, humble and empathetic. While it hardens our shells and even jades us a little, that shell is there to protect the tenderness still inside. We don't lose who we are, we just build upon the foundation we are given at birth. Life takes you into it's arms a blank slate and spends your whole life building you up into an empire of knowledge, strength, and emotions.

I started a boy who was naive to the world around him, clueless and wide eyed. Innocent and optimistic. Life put me through hell, but because of it I learned where I can and cannot instil trust, it taught me that even evil has good in it, that even when I am hurting I can't turn a blind eye to others in pain. It made me selfless and selfish and cruel and kind. All in all, it taught me that there is no perfect person. The best we can do is balance our evils with good and selfishness with selflessness. Give after taking and never, ever give up, because pain does cease. The clouds do part and sometimes there's even a rainbow. We can't make assumptions when it comes to life, because it is unpredictable. Life leaves everything up to Fate, the only existing thing more difficult to explain than Life.

Fate is--to be simply put--the impossible made possible. People can call it serendipitous, a chance, a coincidence, and even pure luck. I don't care what you call it, Fate brought Jace and I together not once, but twice. It's because of Fate that Jace found me that day, and it was because of Fate that Jace lived, and it was Fate that lead me back to Reading, and it's because of Fate that Jace and I keep being brought back together time and time again. I don't know what anyone else might take from this, but all I can seem to put together is that I'm meant to, for some reason, always love this stupid fool. Why I must suffer with unrequited love, is what I want to know. Life and Fate put me through so much before, because of and for Jace and for me to be left in eternal solitude just seems like such a waste.

So, why am I still sat here on the side of the road? Crying and yearning for the love of someone I let go so easily, because I just want for him to be happy. I know what I want to do, but am I meant to be selfish here? Or, is this the moment where I choose for the last time to be selfless for the sake of my love's happiness and allow him to choose his path without my interference swaying his heart's decision? I just don't know.

This is where I am. I am at an impasse; a cross road. I am lost in the middle of life, torn between what is right and what is wrong and wondering if I even understand what those are any more. I wish I hadn't met Jace, but I don't. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him, but I don't. I wish I hadn't returned to Reading, but I don't. I wish I hadn't been reckless with my heart and fallen for him all over again, but I don't. I don't because as much as I don't want to love Jace, I do. I want to love him so much, but more than that I just want him to love me back. I want him to love me back like only he's ever been able to. I want to feel what he makes me feel again. I want to feel like my life is full again, without a hole torn through the centre of it. A void that I know is meant to be filled with the beauty that Jace brings to my life.

I jump at the sound of a car door slamming, snapping out of my deep thoughts and glancing up to see a familiar face looking down at me.

"I was scared when I saw your car," Seth says, coming and sitting down in the sand beside me. "You know, as sexy as you look all dirty like that, I don't particularly like seeing my friend crying. It's making me feel the things I don't want to, so talk to me."

I wipe my face with, relieved when no more tears fall, "I don't know what to do. I feel like I've been moving forward all this time and suddenly I open my eyes and realize I am somewhere completely foreign and I have no clue which direction I should go. No matter what I choose, I can get hurt and there's a chance I can hurt others."

He nods and leans against my shoulder, "I know that everything must be pretty confusing and hard on you right now. Everything you're going through along with the crap people throw at you. But, I just want you to remember that, you survived a lot worse and you've turned out better than anyone I've ever known. You made it past everything that happened with your dad, your step dad and even your mom's passing. You worked hard to better yourself and then you pulled through losing Jace and weak moments or not, you still moved forward. Christ, I don't know anyone who's been thrown this much shit, I don't even know how you do it sometimes. I always used to believe no one could have it worse than me, but I realize now that was pretty selfish thinking. Meeting you--no offence--but, it made me grateful that things smoothed out for me. Especially after you introduced me to, Charlie."

I smile slightly at that, "I'm glad things are getting better for you, Seth. You and Charlie are good then?"

He looks at me and grins with a bright red blush that I have never in my life seen cross his face, "You could say that... and I asked him to be my boyfriend."

"And judging by that look it went over well... are you happy?" I ask, looking up into his eyes seriously.

He smiles warmly and I know the answer before he says it, "Happiest I've been all my life."

I nod, happy that my friends are happy, and begin to relax in the silence until Seth speaks again, almost startling me, "Which is why I want you to be happy, too. Do you remember our bet?"

I furrow my brow and nod, "Yeah, of course. Did you win?"

He nods and begins saying something, but I cut him off, "That's fine and all, but can we talk about that another time, I'm really not up for--"

"Kai, shut up," Seth says, making my eyes widen as my head jerks to face him, shocked. "I won our bet, meaning you have to do a favour for me. Anything I ask, anything at all."

My eye narrow, lost as to why he's pushing this, "Yeah, I get it. But, like I said, we'll sort that out another--"

"No, we won't. We're sorting it now," He says sternly, looking more serious than I've ever seen him in my entire life. "I love you, Kai. You've stuck by me for years and I, you. You gave me someone solid, a best friend to trust and to rely on and then some. All my life you've been cleaning up my messes and looking after me and keeping me in my place. You did everything I needed done for me, because without you I'd be so incredibly lost and I don't think I'd be even half as happy as I am today had I not met you. So... let me do the same for you. Just do this one thing, and take a chance for me. trust me like you asked me to trust you."

I shake my head in confusion, "What do you mean?"

"The favour. What I'm asking you to do is get up out of the dirt one last time, go back to that camp, and fight for what you want. For what you love. You go and you say everything you need to say, no matter what comes of it. I want you to be selfish and think about you and only you for once and go for what you want. Jace loves you, and I don't know why he's being so blind to the fact, but you're the only person in the world who can open his eyes and make him realize that you're who he belongs with. That is what I ask," He says in a way so absolute that I can tell he's been thinking this through for some time.

"Seth, I can't do that. What right do I have to--"

"You have every right. Tell me, honestly, what right don't you have to express how you feel and fight for what you love? Do you really want Jace to go back to that awful man? Everyone can see how terrible he is for and to Jace. I know you can, too. As much as I want you to do this for you, we both know you'd be doing him a favour. You are and always will be what's best for Jace, and he for you. Like I said, you shouldn't need him. But there is a difference between needing and realizing that two people are meant to be together because they help each other grow and keep each other together," Seth exclaims animatedly throwing his arms about as he tries to get his point across. "I won't take no for an answer. You agreed to this bet, and I don't want anything else from you. Trust me, just this one time. Please?"

I sigh, looking up at the stars, considering this absurd plan. It feels like such a set up for even worse heart break. I mean, that slap... I know that's not him, that it came from being hurt over and over by a cruel man for years. But, I can't help but still be hurt. What if he doesn't wish to see me and my returning only angers him more. I mean, he knew I loved him, but I had no idea my confession--that I had actually completely and whole-heartedly fallen back in love with him, had I fallen out of love at all--would anger him so damn much. If he snaps, I don't think I can handle seeing that rage directed towards me again. I just--

"He was a wreck when you left," Seth sighs, not looking at me, but rather, focusing on drawing circles in the dirt. "I don't think I've ever seen someone look so afraid and broken up than when I saw Jace panic after you drove away... go back, Kai. I can't tell you enough that I truly know this is the right thing. You said you feel lost, well dammit I'm here giving you a direction. Just--ugh, just trust me and go you stubborn ass!"

My eyes widen, as I take in his words. Jace was crying? Because of me? So... he doesn't hate me for what I said?

Instantly, I'm jumping to my feet, brushing off the dirt and offering a hand to Seth. "I'm going to need you to drive me. My car has a flat."

A grin so wide stretches across Seth's excited face as he leaps up and hugs me tightly, "Yes! Yes! I'm so proud of you! Thank you, Kai. Come on, let's go snap some sense into your man!"

I say nothing as I allow myself to be dragged into Seth's car. If this is my last chance to tell Jace I love him, like I feel it is, and this bet is Fate's final attempt to make me wake up and realize what it is I'm meant to do, I refuse to let it slip away. I didn't get to say goodbye to my mom, because I ran away. I didn't get to say my thank you's to Mr. Hughes, because I ran away. I refuse to run away any more and miss--possibly--my last chance to tell Jace how I feel about him. Never again do I want to regret having words left unspoken.

Even if I'm rejected, and my heart is broken, and I have to accept that Jace just isn't meant to be mine any more, at least I'll be able to say I gave it my all and--for once--I didn't run away. 

~Shay<3