August 16, 2022

The next morning I wake to the lovely surprise that is Zoe and Daisy in my flat. I can hear them chattering in the kitchen and the smell of delicious food and coffee wafts in along with their voices. I wonder at first how they got in, thinking that either I'm forgetting something or they just let themselves right on in. So, thinking back and hoping I hadn't somehow agreed to a seven AM meeting,I eventually draw a blank and realize that the former is wrong. Knowing my spontaneous girls, this was completely on the fly.

Climbing out of bed I comb my fingers through my hair and pull on a pair of sweats and make my way out into the kitchen where both girls look up at me with small smiles.

"Well, good morning, Sunshine. About time you got up," Zoe says with a cheeky grin. "Take a seat, we need to have a little chit-chat."

Knowing this was coming, I withhold a deep sigh and plop down at the island on one of the bar stools and gratefully accept a cup of coffee from Daisy, loving that she knows exactly how I needed it right now. Black. This is going to be a long morning.

"And here I thought I was just getting a pleasant breakfast with two lovely ladies," I mutter, sipping the coffee.

"Nice try," Daisy snickers, taking a seat next to Zoe across from me.

"Kai... What's going on with you lately? You disappear for a week, acting all depressed. You lose it on live radio, and then I find out your girlfriend isn't even your girlfriend. You can see why I'm extremely confused. I just want to know what's going on in that head of yours. Did something happen between you and Jace?"

I sigh and look down at the plate of food Daisy set in front of me, more or less just moving the food around, "Yeah, but it was nothing."

"If it was nothing I wouldn't be sitting her right now asking why you look like you haven't slept for days," She snaps.

I drop my fork and look up at her this time, "Fine. Yes, something happened with Jace... after I went and dealt with Seth because of what he did to Charlie, I had a break down in the car. Jace comforted me and I shouldn't have let myself cave into him so easily, but I was weak and vulnerable and I practically begged him not to go back to Jasper that night and..."

I look up at Daisy with a sad expression and wince at her confused stare, "And, he said he wouldn't if I didn't go home to you, Daisy... and I agreed, too."

I'm relieved that her expression doesn't become one of hurt or anger or even disgust with me, but rather the curiosity stays firmly planted and she nods for me to continue, so I do, "Anyway, he took me back to his parents place and the night was... amazing. It was just like when we first met. We talked and we laughed and we watched movies and we messed around and... and then it got complicated again."

My throat tightens at the memory of the overwhelming emotions that night, how badly I wanted him but no matter what I had no choice but to deny myself what I wanted most. "What happened, Kai?"

I let out a shaky sigh and look down again, slowly feeling more ashamed of myself, "We almost kissed, but it didn't actually happen. We talked about our feelings too, and I mean, I love him and he loves me and it would be so easy for us to just be together, you know? But... neither of us can do it. He has Jasper and I just... he thinks I have Daisy anyway. I don't know the whole conversation was just hard and it hurt and then when it came time for bed, we ended up sharing a bed and... when I woke up in his arms, I was so happy that it broke my heart and I knew then that I had to get out of there or else I would ruin myself. I left him a note and just left. I know it's awful, but I just couldn't face him, I don't know-"

"Yes you do, you're in love with him," Zoe states loud and clear, making me wince and blush in embarrassment. "Still, Kai I know this is all hard on you, but Charlie says you rarely leave your room to eat and he hears you restlessly getting up in your room or even sometimes screaming. Are your nightmares back?"

"Nightmares?" Daisy asks, brows furrowing in confusion.

I shake my head in annoyance and stand up, "Look, I'm done talking about this, I need to get to work."

"Kai, wait! Come on!" Zoe shouts in exasperation.

"Zoe, no. Yes, I'm having issues sleeping. Yes, I'm avoiding Jace and other people, but mostly because maybe I just want to be left alone. My depression is worsening, and I'm having nightmares, but none of that's new. I'll get by and move on, I always do," I say, struggling to hold back tears.

Both girls look up at me with tearful eyes of their own before running into me and wrapping their small arms around my much larger frame. I cave in and hold them close, pressing my lips to each of their forehead before stepping away and grabbing my things for work and walking out the front door. I just want to get today over with as soon as possible.

Twenty minutes later I find myself at the Levett's residence, knocking on the large front door and I'm pleased to be greeted by none other than Jace's brother Martyn. "Kai! My ever lovely brother is upstairs making a racket getting ready. I don't think he quite understands that radios are listened to, not watched."

I chuckle as I step in and see that Martyn is still in pajamas with messy hair, "I'm sorry he woke you."

"Bah, I got to say 'hi' to you anyway before I leave home for the Mrs, so that's a plus," He says, ruffling my hair. "You okay? You look kinda rough."

I shrug, "Didn't sleep well is all, don't worry."

Before Martyn can reply, I hear feet jogging down the stairs and look up to see a flustered Jace running down still adjusting his tie furiously, "Sorry, Kai! I slept in and then I didn't know what to wear and-"

"Relax, Jace," I laugh, grabbing his wrist to stop him from making a bigger mess of his bow tie and fix it for him. "It's a special broadcast so chances are it won't be filmed and even if it is, the filmed broadcast's viewers are probably mostly pre-teen girls."

He chuckles and nods, "Okay, that makes me feel a little bit better I guess."

"Well, if you're done being a dork, I'm going back to bed. Nice seeing you again, Kai!" Martyn says through a yawn, waving us off before dragging himself tiredly up the stairs.

Just as I think we're ready to leave and I'm turning to head out the front door, a hand grabs me by the crook of the elbow and I turn to face Jace with a raised brow and am surprised to see him blushing, "Look, uh... Jasper is coming to pick me up for lunch after the show and I was just wondering, you know, if you maybe wanted to come? I-I mean you and Daisy, like--I don't know--that double date you mentioned before?"

Hating myself for having ever said those words, I mask the pain deep inside my heart as I throw on a fake smile and nod happily at my friend, "Sure, Jace. That sounds good."

When we finally pull up to the BBC Radio One building we rush right upstairs and back to B's office to inform her that we are in the building and ready for this show. "Don't let me down, Harkins!"

I shake my head and hurry past her to the studio, "I won't, B! I'll get everything cleared up!"

Once inside, the sound check crew lead Jace to his own personal mic and I go to mine where I am set up with my headphone and begin doing my sound checks, glancing over to check on Jace and see how he's handling everything and he's being quite patient and I'm thankful that he's doing this for me. Putting up with more crap thanks to my failures.

I shake my head and once the team leaves I look up at my co-worker on the other side of the glass and give him the go ahead and seconds later, the 'ON AIR' sign lights up and my radio persona is coming out, giving me the confidence I need to fix this whole mess. "Hello, London! I am Kai Harkins and you are listening to BBC Radio one! Today's regular broadcast is being interrupted by a special show we have for you today. First and foremost I want to apologize for my behaviour on the last show, I was out of order and the things I said weren't called for. I'm sorry to the caller and to all my listeners. This show in particular is my way of making it up to everyone, and maybe shedding some light on some question everyone had."

"I have a special guest here with me today, someone you've all been asking about relentlessly and who has been requested countless times. Why don't you introduce yourself, Jace?" I say with a slight smile, turning to my beautiful friend and adoring the nervous way he's nibbling on his lip.

He smiles back at me though and nods, "Hello, I'm Jace Levett, but I guess most of you probably know me as the mystery guy from Kai's past or maybe the random guy from the park. Well, today I'm here to help answer all of your questions and take some of the pressure off of poor Kai here. I suppose the first and most obvious question we should answer would be: Who am I to Kai?"

"That's a very complicated question in all honesty," I sigh, deciding I should start us off, seeing as B would certainly be watching and judging the whole show. "The truth is, Yes; Jace and I used to be together. We dated when I was just eighteen and he was two year my senior. We broke up just under a year later and we've recently become friends again."

"Now, we know this isn't very specific, but like most people, we don't always feel comfortable just chatting about our love lives. So, rather than us telling you a long winded story, we will be opening the phone lines for you listeners to call and ask us all the questions you have burning in the back of your minds," Jace says, looking at me and seeing the nervousness in my eyes, causing him to reach over under the sound panel and take my head as he nods and I know that's my cue.

I press the first lit up button and take a deep breath before starting, "Caller you're on the air with Kai and Jace, what is your question?"

"Hi Kai! My questions is, why did you guys break up and why did it take so long for you both to meet up again? Aren't you thirty or something now?"

Jace sighs and steps up to the mic, and I agree that this is a question more for him to answer than me, because I'd probably get too worked up over it, "Well, you see a couple months after we'd been together it was revealed that I had lung cancer."

The girl gasps, but Jace continues anyway, looking stronger than I could talking about it, "Eventually, I got worse and when they told me I'd reached stage four and my chances were slim, I decided to break it off with Kai because I knew if I didn't he would hurt much worse having to watch me get sicker. After we split however, a miracle happened for me and I did end up getting better. We were in different cities at this point however since about five years had passed at this point and I decided to leave him be, thinking maybe he was happy and it was better I didn't disrupt his new life."

"That didn't work out for him though, because this past summer I went back to my home town and who do I run into? My ex who I presumed was dead for eleven years, " I laugh bitterly, but meet Jace's sad gaze and give him a small sad shrug, I'm not holding back the truth, that's what this whole thing is about. "Thank you for calling."

I take a deep breath and wait for Jace to give me the go ahead to push the next button, "Caller two, you are on the air with Kai and Jace! What's your question today?"

"Hi, I'm Brendan. I was just wondering... Jace talked pretty overly friendly about you when he called in that one day, it sounds more like he loves you. Are you really just friends?"

I bite my lips and look to Jace, and I can see he's struggling for an answer, too. I want to tell the truth, that things are confusing right now, but if jasper is listening, then I don't want to get him in trouble and I have to pretend like I'm concerned about Daisy finding out still. Which leaves me with really only one choice and I hate it.

"Yes, we're just friends. There were some remaining feelings obviously, but we've both talked and come to realize we're better off as friends now. Jace has a boyfriend as it is and I respect that and would hate to do something to jeopardize his happiness or hurt the person who also has feelings for him," I say almost robotically.

"I mean, of course I love Kai," Jace starts, making my eyes widen as I stare at him lost as to why he's dragging this out when we could have left it. "I care very much for him and I will always have feelings for him of some sort, but burned out flames sometimes just aren't meant to reignite, you know?"

I feel a pain in my heart at that, but I know I can't let it show. The camera pointing at us proves that they are actually filming this, but I don't let Jace see me staring at it, not wanting to add to his nerves. I need this to end soon, but we've only just begun and I already feel like a complete wreck. How did I ever think I could handle talking about this on live radio? I can hardly talk about it in private with Jace himself!

A hand is suddenly squeezing mine and Jace's eyes are boring into my own and soon he's giving me a cute crooked grin and then my nerves don't feel quite so paralyzing and my mouth is working again.

"Thank you for calling!" I say firmly, pressing the next caller, and we go on like this for some time.

Over the next half hour we answer all sorts of questions. Am I truly gay? What does Jace's boyfriend think of everything--to which Jace responded "He's not the happiest, but he's trying to be understanding. He knows what Kai means to me, and mostly he just wants this all to be resolved." That hurt, but then again, any mention of Jace not being mine and only mine hurts these days.

We talk about how we met, which we tailored a bit and merely mention meeting in a coffee shop to save us from having to explain a whole other story that's a bit hard to talk about on my part. We also answer some things about what Jace does and if we still hang out and just some small stuff. It seems like most questions have been answered until the next call that comes up.

I hit the glowing light and hold back a sigh as I say my line, "You're on the air with Kai and Jace! What's your question?"

"Hi Kai and Jace, my names Alessa, and I just want to know the truth. My friend is one of the girl's who saw you two in public and she said you two were definitely acting like more than friends and it sounded like you two were having the kind of fight a couple would have," The girl says.

Jace goes to open his mouth, but I'm faster, "Look Alessa, we're telling you the truth. We're just friends. Nothing more. Jace has a boyfriend and I'm not the selfish type, I won't get between two happy people-"

"You keep saying you won't do anything to hurt others or Jace, but you keep slipping up and sounding like you yourself do have feelings for him though," She says, sounding pleased with herself, which only angers me but I can't show it.

I take a deep breath and shake my head sharply, "No, you have it wrong. I care about Jace, but we are strictly friends."

"Then what about that fight?"

"Friends fight! That's all it was and I'm sorry if you're disappointed with the answer, but that's all there is to it I'm afraid. Thank you for calling," I say, hanging up a little too quickly.

Jace looks at me for a moment and shakes his head sadly, stepping up to his microphone and taking over for a second, giving me a moment to collect myself, "Sorry about the silence ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a quick intermission so please enjoy the music and keep those questions at the ready, there will only be ten minutes left for question taking when we return!"

Jace hurries over to me and smacks my arm just hard enough to get my attention, "The hell was that?"

"I don't know, I'm sorry. She was getting under my skin and I was close to snapping. I'm sorry, Jace," I say with an exasperated sigh, swiping a bead of sweat off my face.

He doesn't say anything, just walks back to his area and waits for me to get myself together. I look at the clock and it says it's about fifteen minutes until noon and I wish with all my heart that it could just be over already. This show was a horrible idea. Maybe I should have just lost my job. Now the world knows and can see what a wreck I am and god if Jasper is listening... it frightens me for Jace. I know I have no proof, but I still can't help but fear that Jasper is doing something.

I nod at my co-worker finally, letting him know I'm ready and as soon as we're back I take a deep breath and prepare to finish this thing, "And we're back! Next caller, you're on!"

"Hey Kai and Jace, I don't really have a question to ask, more of a statement really," The quiet, mousy sounding girl says.

"Okay, then let's hear it," Jace encourages sweetly.

"Well... you see I've been watching the live recording as well and it's just... I know you say you're just friends and I'm sorry for bugging you about this like everyone else, but it's just, the way I see you two look at each other is not how I imagine friends look at each other. I wish someone would look at me like you two look at each other, like you're in love. I might just be seeing things, but that is what I see and I'm sure others, too."

"Look, hun-"

"I just want to say!" She says awkwardly, cutting me off. "I read this quote once and it just reminds me so much of you two and what I'm trying to get at, it goes sort of like this; 'True love isn't about being inseparable, It's about being separated and nothing changes.' What I'm trying to say is, connections like what you two clearly have are rare. Something like what you have or had should be cherished and protected. Don't deny it and certainly don't lose it... that's all."

"Well, I'm afraid sometimes things do change however much you wish they wouldn't. Life doesn't always work out and happy endings aren't always entirely happy. Your words are sweet, but I'm afraid the answer is still the same; we're just friends," I sigh, trying hard to hold back the tears, but failing miserably.

I look to Jace and see he's equally choked up as he speaks, "Thank you for calling, Hun."

I quickly swipe the tears away and decide this needs to end, now, "That's all the time we have for today. I hope this more than makes up for the last broadcast and that you are all finally satisfied. This has been Kai Harkins-"

"And, Jace Levett."

"And you are listening to BBC Radio One," With that, the 'ON AIR' light goes out and I'm tossing my head set aside and hurrying out of the studio booth and towards the employees lounge.

I rush inside, swiping away tears and trying to catch my breath, thankful that that horrible mess is finally over. To my chagrin however, Seth is in there staring at his sandwich with far too much concentration. I take a deep breath and decide it's better to help out Seth than to sulk over my issues any longer.

"Seth. What's up?" I ask, making him jump and look up at me.

"Oh, hey Kai... it's nothing really. Uh, I just... can I talk to you about something?" He manages, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Of course," I say, becoming concerned.

"It's just that since Charlie came and talked to me he's all I can think about and he's kind of left the ball in my park. All I imagine is how nice his voice sounds and how cute his smile is and how understanding he was and... and how much I liked the way his lips tasted... ugh! I don't even know why this is happening, it never has before! Kai I'm all messed up and I don't know what to do!" Seth grumbles, messing up his hair in frustration.

A laugh bursts from my lips as I shake my head at my poor confused friend, "Seth, has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe, it's because you may have kinda-sorta-possibly developed feelings towards Charlie? As in you more than just like him?"

He clears his throat and crosses his arms, looking away again, "M-Maybe."

"Then, what you should do is go talk to him and do whatever it is you need to do to get that cutie to forgive you and make him yours. Don't do this unless you're serious though, Seth. Charlie deserves respect. If you really do care about him, like I know you do, you need to decide now to be true to him and only him. No more of this getting scared crap. You need to really commit yourself to someone like him. Can you do that?" I say, becoming serious.

"I can try," Seth says seriously, but then suddenly he's lighting up and bouncing out of his seat. "I got to go find that cutie, I just had a brilliant idea! Thanks Kai, I'll catch you later!"

I smile at his retreating form but it quickly disappears as I see Jace enter in his place, and I feel kind of bad having just left him behind in the studio booth, but I just needed to get out of there, I was suffocating.

"Are you almost ready to go?" Jace asks, not asking me about anything else, which I'm somewhat grateful for. "Jasper's downstairs."

I nod, "Yeah, Daisy texted me and said she'd be here, too. She's probably downstairs waiting with Jasper, so let's go."

We awkwardly make our way downstairs together and the whole time I try not to let myself think about the show and how I feel and how badly I wish I could just grab his hand every time it bumps into mine.

**

Fourty minutes later the four of us are sat outside at a nice little restaurant, and if I'm being completely honest, you could probably cut the tension with a knife it's so thick. I'm constantly trying to keep my head down, lost in thought and silent. Jasper has done nothing but glare at me and give short replies whenever Jace speaks to him. Daisy is desperately trying to keep a conversation going with Jace, who tries just as hard to appease her, to avoid an uncomfortable silence.

Eventually, it seems Daisy has run out of things to talk about and just when it seems hope might be lost for our little group date, Jace speaks up, "So, Jas, my parents are having this party on Wednesday, I think I told you about it-"

"I can't go," Jasper says in a way that sounds final.

I can see both the relief and disappointment in Jace's eyes and I'm so confused by him and Jasper's relationship. How can both those emotions surface when it comes to someone you care about? I just don't get it. If they're happy, I don't want to know what Jace's idea of unhappy is.

"Well, I guess I'll go alo-"

"You should take, Kai!" Daisy bursts out suddenly, making everyone jump. "As friends, of course. Kai could be your date. You shouldn't have to go stag to your own parents' party, that's no fun."

I have to hold back a smirk as Jasper glares at Daisy, but nearly slip up when it quickly is targeted at Jace when he says to me with a slightly odd look in his eyes, "That would be great! Kai? How about it?"

Ignoring the worry I feel and the glare burning into me, I throw on a smile and nod, "Sounds good to me. Besides, I always did enjoy hanging out with your family. Well, after they stopped hating me... I mean--uhm, Yeah. Sure, Jace. I'd love to."

I want to face palm so hard. What kind of idiot brings up the days when you dated someone, right when their current partner is right freaking next to them. This idiot, sitting right here, that's who. Just when I think it can't get anymore awkward or tense, Jasper stands and tosses some money on the table and looks to Jace, "Lunch was great, but I think it's time we headed home. We have some stuff to do today."

Jace looks up at him with a strange look that I can't decipher and then looks up at me with a sigh as he stands and offers me a weak smile, "So, I'll see you Wednesday?"

"Wouldn't miss it," I say, struggling to keep the smile from falling.

Jasper doesn't waste a second grabbing Jace's arm in his and guiding him away a little too quickly for my liking. That anxious feeling returns and I can't help but worry, even if I may not have a one hundred percent logical reason to, I just have a really bad feeling about Jasper. I don't trust him, and certainly not with something as precious as Jace. Which is why I find myself yelling out to them once more like a fool.

"And Jace! Just know... you can call or text me whenever you need me! I'll always answer to you," I say with a smile, but I hope the look in my eyes gets my meaning across to him.

He sighs, but nods anyway, "I know, Kai. Thank you."

After that, Jasper whisks him off and I'm left there still worrying and still wishing Jace could have stayed here with me instead. I turn back to Daisy to see her looking at me with an equally worried look in her eyes.

"Something's not right about him, Kai," She says to me. "It's crazy, but I can't help but feel like we just did something wrong."

"I know. I feel that way too, Hun," I tell her, biting the edge of my nail as I look back at the exit my friend and love disappeared through with a very questionable man only mere moments ago.

Things just keep getting better and better, don't they?

~Shay<3