"So then what happened?" Blair asks, intrigued, listening to the story of my first time as if I'm reading her a book. "I need all the details, like step by step,"

I should have just called her, not facetime; telling her this face to face is way harder than I thought it would be. Too late now. I go into graphic detail about everything, him taking my bra off, him lying on top of me; I describe the immense pain I felt as he pressed into me, and then she makes a joke about his size, and my cheeks flush.

"You didn't use a condom?" she gasps.

"No, it wasn't planned or anything; it just happened, so we didn't have one, but he, you know, he uh..." I don't want to say it.

"Pulled out," she says easily. I just nod. "Well, to be safe, you should take a plan b,"

"What is that?" Better to ask her than my mother. Mom probably thinks we used a condom; if I tell her we didn't, she will freak out and tell dad. They're involved in everything else in my life; I don't want them involved in my sex life.

"Ask Ryder; I'm sure this isn't his first rodeo," she says in a country accent and laughs. I frown. "Just kidding, it's basically just birth control. And wipes out every bit of-"

"Okay, okay. I got it," I say, cutting her off before she goes into detail. She tells me that if I'm going to take it, it has to be today; I tell her that I'm on lockdown, and then she suggests that I ask Ryder to pick it up for me. I don't want to call him and ask him to get that for me, but I will. It's better to be safe than sorry.

"So..." her eyebrows raise.

"So?" I know what she is about to say. I prop the phone up in my window. And then look everywhere but at the camera.

"Jayda...,"

"Blair,"

"I don't like Ryder!" she states. "But what you are doing to him, lying to him, it's wrong,"

"I know that,"

"You know it, but yet you're not fixing it!"

"How? How am I supposed to tell him?" Every day since I enrolled at Columbia, I've been thinking about how I would tell him. And each time I thought about it, I ended up with nothing.

"I don't know, Jayda! Why would you even lie to him in the first place?"

"I don't know," I say low, placing my head on my hand. "I wish I could just go back in time and take it back,"

"Well you can't, now you have to fix your mistake J," she says.

"I will,"

"When?"

"Soon!" I have to tell him soon. I have to be the one to tell him. I don't want my father running into him and mentioning Columbia or Ryder finding out by some other means. The longer I wait to tell him, the higher the risk is of him finding out from someone other than me.

Her girlfriend calls her name; she tells her to hold on and then says to me, "I have to go...but Jayda, tell him. The longer you wait, the more he will hate you when you finally decide to tell him, or he finds out," Harsh but true. We say goodbye, and then I hang the phone.

I get off the bed and walk out of the bedroom, calling my parent's names loudly. My voice echoes through the house. The house is so big, too many places for me to look and find where they are, so that's why I'm screaming their names. They'll hear me and come out of one of the fifty rooms in here.

"Jayda," a door flies open, and my father comes out. Okay, one, where the other. "Why are you so loud?" He covers the mic of the phone.

"I was looking for you. Can I go out?"

"What part of grounded do you not understand?"

"It's an emergency,"

"Oh really?"

"It is... Why can't-"

"Mellisa," he calls; she comes up behind me with a cupcake in her hand. "Please talk to your daughter,"

"Mom," she said she would talk to him, did she not.

She looks at my father and then me, "I'm with your father; you left without telling us where you were, you ignored our calls, and you stayed out all night until the very next day,"

Things I've done plenty of times before they were ever down my back like this. Ever since I came back from orientation, they have been acting so "parently." They're trying to make up for all the years they missed not being the strict, involved in everything I do parents that they are trying to be now.

It's too late for them to be parents to me; I'll be eighteen soon, I'll be eighteen and away at college living my life in new york and never returning to Crossland.

"So I'm grounded for the whole time we're here?" We were only staying in the Hamptons for a week; it's Tuesday, so that means I will spend the next five days here stuck in this house.

"Yes," My father answers. For some reason, I think he is finding amusement in this. "So you are not going out anywhere; your vacation will be here, on this property,"

"Well, no, not the whole time," mom steps in. "We are going out Thursday to get you a dress for the charity event at the Adams house," Charity event? Ryder didn't mention anything about a charity event. Crap, both of my parents will be there, with their rich friends bragging about me getting into Columbia. Damnit. Now I have to make sure to keep Ryder's undivided attention on me all day. And try to keep my parents from mentioning anything to Evelyn or Josiah. "The event is on Saturday, so really you'll be confined to the house tomorrow and Friday; that's not too bad; I'm sure you can find something to do,"

I huff and fold my arms, turning away from them and storming up the stairs. I don't want to find something to do around here. I want to find something to do; I want to explore with Ryder. Whenever we visited here, I did spend my days in the house, my parents wanted me to go out and explore the Hamptons, but I didn't want to; now that I do, of course, they put me on lockdown. I believe my mother is doing it for actual punishment reasons, but I think my father is doing it just to keep me away from Ryder.

I dial Ryder's number, and after two rings, he picks up. "Hey,"

"Hey,"

"Uhm, I have a question," I really need to get that pill, but I don't want to ask him.

"Okay,"

"Uhm, so you know how last night, we didn't, uh, you know, use, use a... condom," my words come out slow, trying to ask him but not directly ask him.

"Mhm," he presses forward.

"So Uhm, do you think we should like get something...to you know, make sure that you know, nothing happened," I hope he gets what I'm saying.

"Do you want a plan B pill?"

He knows exactly what I am talking about; I guess he used it before, well, not him exactly. I wonder with who. Ashely? Willow? Mia? Whoever else he's been with.

"Yeah, do you know-"

"Yea, I do," he says, slightly aggrieved.

"Oh, Uhm, okay," Something is off about his tone. Did something happen before I called him?

"Do you want to come with me to get it?" he asks.

"I can't, my da-,"

"It's fine," he cuts me off. "I'll call you when I'm outside,"

"Oka-" The phone hangs up before I can finish. There's a hollow feeling in my stomach, thinking about why his mood drastically changed from five hours ago until now. My brain thinks of all the possible reasons why. Could he know? About Columbia. No, if he knew, I'm positive he wouldn't be calm mad; he would be world war three furious.

Ugh!!!! I grab my pillow and groan loudly into it, letting out all the frustration in me from the confusion and mess I have gotten myself into.

...

"Well, I'm finished. I'm going to go to bed early! I will see you all tomorrow," I tell my parents. They tell me goodnight without questioning my motives, and I head back upstairs, closing the door behind me. All of the workers are gone, so I should be able to go to the gate without being spotted. Ryder texts my phone telling me he is outside. I researched the pill; it said that the sooner you take it, the more effective it will be; it hasn't been that long, I think it's been eight hours tops since we had sex, so I should be okay. Hopefully, it didn't feel like he... anyways. He pulled away before anything happened. So I'm most likely worried for no reason.

I pull open my window and climb out. I laugh to myself before jumping down, thinking about how every since Ryder and I started dating, like for real, I have jumped out of a lot of windows. I land on the ground in a perfect stance on both feet and then silently thank my mom for putting me in those gymnastic classes when I was like six.

I walk down the long driveway fast, hoping my parents don't spot me from their window. When I reach the gate, I type in the code, and then it slides open. Ryder's car is across the street, but I can't see him in it from here. I gasp as arms wrap around me, and I am pulled to the side fast.

Once getting my barriers together, I realize it's just Ryder; he laughs, but I don't, "That's not funny," I push him back as I try to catch my breath. "You really scared me,"

He grabs my waist pulling me closer to him and pinning me against the booth. His lips touch my neck, and I shiver. "Do you have it?" I ask him.

"Mhm," he says against my skin.

I wrap my hands around his neck. His warm hands go under my shirt, and I melt into him when he kisses my cheek and then my lips. Time is of the essence; I don't have time to stand here and make out with him behind the security booth.

When his tongue enters my mouth, I taste a familiar flavor I haven't tasted in a while. "Ryder," I say between the kisses. He stops kissing me and looks at me, and then I see it, his glossy eyes red eyes. I didn't see it before. "You're high?"

"Maybe," he responds and smiles.

"Where're the pills?" Now I just want to get my things and go.

"Are you mad?"

"No," I lie. I'm not mad, but I'm not happy. Why is he high? Something must have happened like I said it did. "Is something wrong? Why are you-"

"Everything is great, Jayda," he smiles sarcastically.

"Okay, where is the stuff I have to get back?" He's acting super weird; I don't like this Ryder at all. Why couldn't he just stay the sweet person he was some hours ago?

He pulls a brown paper bag out of his hoodie pocket and hands it to me, "Just take one," he tells me.

"Okay," I fold the bag back down tighter and then look back at him. "Thank you,"

"You're Welcome,"

Why the fuck is the air thickening right now? One minute we are so comfortable with each other, you would think we've been together all our lives, and now, it's just so weird and awkward. It was the sex; he's high because the sex was terrible, and he regrets Sleeping with me.

"Jayda," he calls my name.

I look back up, "It's not you,"

"How did y-"

"I know you," he says. "I know what your thinking, and that's not it,"

"Then what's wrong?" I need him to open up to me; he needs to talk about what he is going through rather than keep it bottled up. He runs his hands through his hair and then puts his hands into the middle pocket of his black hoodie. "It's okay," He knows me as well as I know him; I can see him struggling to open his mouth and just tell me what is going on, and as much as it makes me sad to think that he isn't comfortable enough with me to talk to me, I find my self sympathizing with him because I know what it feels like, I know how it feels to want to talk to your best friend about what is going on with you but not having the courage to do it. He leans down and kisses me softly on the lips, saying all that he can say. My hand rests on the back of his neck, "I love you," I say, staring into his eyes.

"I love you,"

"Always?"

He smiles against my lip and answers, "Always," before kissing me again.

***

(Story time so one time I had to steal a plan b for my cousin from the store 😂 cause she needed it and we only had like 5 dollars and for a box it was like 30 and in my city there not like on the shelf you have to go to the pharmacy that's in the back of the store like cvs or rite aid oh and Walgreens and get it from somebody so basically she distracted the worker and then I had to hop over the counter and find the box, long story short the lady saw and security was trying to catch us but we ran... and yes I found the box she got her pill😂😭 thank you for coming to my Ted talk)

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