Home sweet home. I never thought I would be so excited to return to Crossland. But I am. I miss my bed, and I miss the feeling of familiarity. The Hamptons was lovely, only the parts that were spent with Ryder at least.

Dad pulls the car into the driveway; I get out and grab my one suitcase, wheeling it to the door. He comes up and unlocks it, not speaking a word to me; we haven't talked since the party. I'm grateful. I take my suitcase upstairs to my room and start unpacking my clothes.

Sometime later, my mother waddles up the stairs to my room, taking heavy breaths when she comes in. Watching her pregnancy is just furthering my desire not to have children. Why would women put themselves through that torment for nine months? Having all those different changes happen to your body isn't the only reason I will never have kids; the main reason is simply that I don't want them. Seems like way too much work; I'd rather not have them than have them and neglect them like my parents did me.

She takes a seat on my bed, "So, are you going back to work at the diner?"

"No, I quit after the shooting," I went back for like one day, but then I felt like I needed to go. I couldn't take looking at the empty dinner and booths everyone used to be in; the few regulars from school that came in were no longer coming in because, well, they were now dead.

And people for a while were scared to go anywhere in town, parents weren't letting their kids come to the dinner, so it remained empty. I wonder if it is even still open; the dinner was already low on money from what Ms.Kelly said, and since people weren't coming anymore, I'm sure she lost even more money. I haven't been back since the day I quit. I didn't want to leave at first because I didn't want to leave her, and I just felt terrible about quitting, but she assured me that it was okay and that she understood.

"So this summer, you're pretty much going to be free," she questions, hinting at asking me something else.

"I guess, that is whenever Ryder and I aren't doing anything," I say. "Is there something you needed me to do?"

"Yes. I did want to talk to you about something," rocks back and forth, rubbing her hand over her stomach. I take a seat because I feel like I should just take a seat. "Your father, well me. No, your father and I but mainly me. You are my daughter, my oldest daughter, my firstborn, and I think you are turning out to be an amazing independent woman," It sounded painful for her to say that; I don't think she fully believes what she is saying. "There is going to mean event this summer,"

"Event? What type of event?"

"A debutante ball, do you know what that is?"

"Uhm yeah. Girls in fancy dresses, dancing,"

"It's a little bit more complex, but yes, anyways, Evelyn is the host for this year's one," she says.

I already know where this is going, "I thought I had to be like invited to one of those things, like invited six months before,"

"Well, uhh," she rubs her ear. "You were, but I told her we will have to see because you know at the time there was so much going on with you, so your father and I didn't give her a definite answer,"

"So what? She just saved me a spot?"

"No, actually she filled it, but the young girl she filled it with dropped out, and now it's back open. While we were at the store in the Hamptons, she explained it to me, you can have the spot if you want; she really wants you to have it, your father and I would love to see you a part of it,"

"What is my purpose for doing it?" I ask her not to be rude but because I don't see why I should do it.

"Well, it's a chance for you to make connections with people, connections so once you graduate college you'll have job offers lined up from huge companies. It's also a chance for you to represent your family; it's sort of customary for families of high wealth to present their daughter once coming of age to high society. I would like to see both of my daughters be a part of it; I don't really want to wait eighteen more years to see your sister take part in the event," she explains. "Not to mention it's also for charity," she adds in the end.

If I was any other girl right about now, I would be jumping up and down and getting all excited about having the opportunity to be a part of this. But my excitement stays dormant because I am not happy or amused. I'm not interested at all, and my mother can tell.

"It's fine; you don't have to do I just-"

"I get it. It's important, I do," It's simple, really. Rich family has a kid. Rich families want to show off their kids. Rich family presents the kid and all their accomplishments to a bunch of wealthy people in suits. Families against families showing off their kid who did a whole bunch of insignificant shit for no reason, all for the chance to what? "It's just not me: the dresses and the dancing. Not to mention the manners and etiquette I don't have. Plus, from what I do know about debutantes, I'm entering late; I missed all the training that happened earlier in the season. I'll be far behind from the other girls. I don't want to embarrass you and dad," If I do, I know my father would be down my throat.

"I understand," she says, being genuinely sympathetic. It's so much easier to talk to her, if this was my father; he would be screaming and yelling right about now, forcing me to do it. And making me feel ashamed or like I'm just this horrible person because I don't want to.

I help her stand up from the bed after seeing her struggle, and then we both share a few laughs. She looks at me and says, "I love you know that right,"

"I do," I never used to believe it. But in her own way, she believes that all she has done was out of love for me. She tells me that we will be eating out tonight and that dad is ordering the food in a few hours. I sit on my bed, grab my laptop and then check my email.

There are three from Columbia notifying me to sign up for my classes. They sent it two days ago but because I didn't have my phone I couldn't check. I hope none of the good ones are filled.

I click the link and then start scheduling my classes around my work schedule at the cafe. I still can't believe I got the job there. I was so nervous about the interview. Thinking back, I don't even know why. My manager, Brain, was cool; he didn't give me like boss vibes; he was very understandable and just like a good person all around. While I was there, I also got to meet some of the workers; everyone was nice, which was a relief. They say people in New York are mean, but everyone I met out there so far was friendly.

My computer rings with a facetime call from Blair. "Hey,"

"Hey," she says back and then turns the computer around to her girlfriend.

"Hey Naya," I wave.

She turns around and smiles, "Hey girl," One hand is holding her ponytail, and in the other hand, she is holding an edge brush. She has even bigger hair than I; her Afro-Latina curls are thick and lavish. Her mellow brown skin glows in the sun as she walks over closer to the computer, wherever Blair is sitting at.

Looks like they are in their bedroom; they have a small couch in their room set up in the corner by their floor-to-ceiling windows. "I miss you!" she says close to the screen.

"I miss you too," I haven't spent much time with Naya; I only first met her when I went to New York for two weeks; she came to get me from the airport because Blair had got called in for a modeling gig. We instantly connected over our love for the same music genre, rap, and R&B, with some rock. We both have very diverse tastes.

And then back at the apartment, we just talked and talked about everything. She is so sweet and down to earth; I see why Blair is in love with her.

"Something looks different about you," she says, smiling widely. Here we go, I know, Blair told her.

"It's the sex," Blair says.

Naya laughs and says, "Damn, sex with a guy got you glowing like that?" I and Blair both laugh; Naya also has a sense of humor; her Hispanic accent, along with what she says, makes things ten times funnier. "No, for real, that's weird. After my first time with a guy, I was depressed for days,"

"This is why I'm glad I came to terms with my sexuality when I was like ten," Blair says. "So happy I didn't have to go through any of that," I shake my head with a smile on my face, Naya walks away, and the Blairs ask, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing just registering for classes,"

"What's your major again?"

"Investigative Journalism,"

She snaps her fingers, "Right, I forgot you're becoming a spy,"

"I'm not becoming a spy," I laugh. "I wish, though, I'm sure that would be easier," Just reading the course descriptions of all the classes I'll have to take is intimidating. They're so... prestigious. I will be doing a lot of writing, I know.

"Anyways, was that not a major available at the other school?" she mentions.

Here we go again, "No. It wasn't. They didn't offer the type of journalism field I wanted to go into," She's talking about the school in LA close to Ryder.

"And if they did?"

"I don't know Blair, what do you want me to say?" I huff with irritation. I'm tired of talking about this; I hate talking about it; every time the conversation comes up, my stomach drops to the floor, and my head throbs against my skull.

"I want you to tell him. I don't want you to get hurt. If you tell him too late, all of this will blow up in your face,"

"I know that. I know," I take a deep breath and look outside the window. We sit in silence still on the call, and then the computer rings, "It's Ryder,"

"Oouu answer," she says with excitement. I hesitate before answering. "Don't worry, I'm not going to say anything. I don't condone what you are doing, but at the end of the day, you are still my best friend; I wouldn't do that," she assures me. I know she wouldn't; I don't know why I even doubted it.

"Me neither," Naya shouts from outside the camera.

I answer Ryder's facetime call, and the screen splits into two. "Hey, bestie," Blair teases, and then he immediately hangs up.

I burst into laughter and shake my head. "Well, he's still an ass. Honestly, what do you see in him?"

Everything.

"Anyways, I have to go; I'm late for a shoot. Next time we talk, I better see tears,"

"Tears?"

"When you tell him shit is bound to go down, so I'm expecting waterfalls from your eyes," she states.

"I'm going to tell him," I say. "I'm going to tell him soon," We exchange goodbyes, and then I facetime Ryder back. "Why did you hang up?" I ask him.

"She's irritating," he states as always. He's sitting up on his bed against the headboard. He's on his laptop also; his phone is in his hand. "And I just don't like her, I don't have to like everyone,"

"Even if you don't like anyone, you still have to be nice to them,"

"No, I don't," he snickers. "I only have to be nice to you," His snared remark makes me smile.

We spend the next couple hours talking about random ass shit, and then he makes fun of me as I spread all my stuffed animals across my bed, telling me how I'm childish for having them.

Cleary he has never had one before, my animals are the best part of my room. I have almost everything cleared out of here because I took most of everything with me to New York; I left my teddy bears and some little stuff here. I was going to bring them with me when I go back this time. I'm sort of glad I left them and the other little things; if Ryder comes over one day, he will notice how everything in my room is gone; I've done good so far keeping him from my house and room, I always go to his house. When we are out, I always suggest we go back to his house. Being as though my father doesn't like or approve of him helps my case. But I'm sure he'll come over before the summer is gone, and here's yet another lie I will have to make up.

"I'm just saying, I don't understand why you have so many," he laughs and lays back on his bed.

"I need them all,"

"Well, don't you think it's time for you to let them go,"

I playfully gasp and cover one of my bear's ears, "Shhh, they can hear you. I will never get rid of them," I was pissed when Andy got rid of all his toys, well gave them away; either way, it's the same thing, I'm taking all my stuffed animals to college with me.

"Where did you get them all from anyway?" he asks.

"My dad," I shrug and pick up one of my favorites—the stuffed monkey. "He would buy me one as a gift every time he went out of the country," Sometimes, he gave it to me in person, or he mailed it from wherever he was—a sweet gesture. Though I loved the gifts, and they undoubtedly started my obsession with stuffed animals, I would have instead had him here than them to keep me company on the long cold nights.

"Well, I guess we will need a two-bedroom place,"

"Why?"

"Because you're not putting them in our room,"

Our room. That sounds nice. It really does. I wish I could just make a clone of myself, send one to New York to chase my dreams, and send the other to LA with Ryder, so he can live out his dream with me on the sidelines.

"Are you okay?" he asks, getting my attention again.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I zoned out for a minute there.

"Are you gonna come work out with me on Friday?" he asks, and I burst into laughter; he must be joking.

"Do you want me to die?" I ask, and he scrunches his face confused. "Because that's what will happen if I even attempt to work out," My body aches just hearing the word. "I'll go into cardiac arrest, and being as though Christina Yang is in Zurich, Switzerland and can't save me, I'm doing all I can to not overwork my heart,"

He laughs and rolls his eyes at my Grey's Anatomy reference. He decides to play the game, and I read a book. We spend the rest of the night still on facetime, almost in silence; he keeps making loud outbursts (which distracts me from my reading) when something goes wrong; I never understood why boys would get so upset at a game. It's funny watching him get mad.

Around 1am, I start getting sleepy; I tell Ryder in hopes he would let me hang up but instead, he tells me to stay on the phone like I knew he would. I prop my computer on the side of my bed and grab one of my stuffed animals before laying down.

I turn the computer down just in case he decides to yell and wake me out of my sleep. I fall fast asleep watching him.

***

Yes ik ik it's been like a year 😭 (3 months) I'm back now! Sorta.if you follow the series ig page I've explained how busy my schedule is this summer because senior coming up I'm doing internships and community service and taking college classes for credit and then I have a job. So yeah updates won't have a constant date I'll just update when I write something, but I won't disappear for like 3 months again! Enjoy the update🖤