The last few weeks have flown by. Between my classes and a mountain of homework, I haven't had a moment's peace. Not to mention the lack of sleep I've been having, is taking a toll. I've only gotten around three hours of sleep each night. I feel like I'm losing it both physically and mentally. My nightmares have gotten even worse, waking me up numerous times throughout the night. Sometimes they are bad enough that I stay awake, nervous to go back to sleep. I'm afraid of what I might see.  It's weird but the only time I got a full night's rest with no night terrors was when Hayden slept beside me. Skylar's also been home a lot more. I wonder if I've woken her like I did him that first night. She hasn't said anything to me about it, but I know I must have. Either way, I'm thankful that she kept my secret. Anyone else would be harassing me about it, asking questions. The last thing I want to do is explain myself to her, or anyone else. I'd rather forget about it all, erasing the memories would take away the pain.

I hate my life. I'm a freak. The girl who screams in the middle of the night. And the creep who has horrendous flashbacks at random moments. Breaking out in cold sweats, shaking, and screaming, like a baby. No one can understand what it's like to relive the worst moment of your life on repeat. I'm glad no one pays attention to me, keeping their distance. If they knew the truth, it would be worse. There are days I wish I hadn't been born. Some nights I go to sleep praying that I wake up with amnesia. That I can forget my past. Even though that would mean forgetting Johnny.  Would easing my pain be worth that? 

I haven't seen Hayden either except in class. Even then he doesn't say much besides hey, here and there. It feels as if he's avoiding me on purpose. Maybe, my nightmares scared him off. Or he finally realized what a weirdo I am. In the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if he got what he wanted from me and moved on. Or maybe Skylar and he had the same talk that we had. Either way, I don't want to bring it up and look stupid. Even if I was right about being nothing more than a fling I'm hurt.

I can't stop thinking about how different he was when we were alone, just the two of us. He came across as sweet and caring. Who knows, maybe it was all pretend. He could have only acted like that to get me in bed. But then why did he reject me? Does he only see me as the poor, helpless tortured girl? I have to stop thinking about him. I'm going crazy.

I need to focus on the good things happening right now. Things are getting back to normal between Sky and me since she let that issue go. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. I've avoided mentioning his name, so she doesn't get suspicious. I'm not trying to go down that road again. She's made it very clear how she feels about the situation.

"Thank God it's Friday," Skylar exclaims, flinging herself onto the bed. I hadn't realized the time, and that class was over. I had a migraine, so I decided to skip my last class. I hated missing it, but I'm ahead anyway and one class won't make a difference. Besides, I needed time to process the letter I had received this morning on top of everything else.

My brother's assignment across the world got extended. So now he'll be gone an extra month or two. Maybe even longer, depending on how everything works out. When he first left it was only supposed to be a few months. He was supposed to be home by Thanksgiving, but not now. He might not even be home for Christmas this year. I miss him so much. It's been over a year since I  last saw him. Before heading out for his tour he had basic training and other random things he had to finish. And of course, I was M.I.A, when he left, so I missed his party. I barely made it to the airport in time to wish him goodbye. This is the longest I've ever gone without seeing him. We were always super close growing up, almost inseparable. Before April came along, my mom would buy us matching outfits and parade us around. A lot of people thought we were twins. But now he's a stranger. The last picture he sent me, I barely recognized him. His whole appearance has changed, he looks older and rougher.

"Girl, I got a surprise. I know you have been stressed out lately so pack your bags. We're going on a mini vacation for the weekend," she squeals, jumping off her bed and onto mine. Flipping onto her back, her head landed in my lap.

" What are you talking about? Where do you plan on even going?" I ask, assuming this was some spur-of-the-moment, no-planning idea. Especially considering this is the first I've heard about any of it. I don't know how I feel about taking a last-minute trip. I like things to be prepared and in order.

"Halloweens next weekend and there's a great costume shop only a few hours away," she pauses, pulling her phone out. Holding it at an odd angle in front of us she snaps a quick selfie of us lying in my bed. "Anyway, it would be a waste to drive there, turn around, and come straight back. So we can each pitch in to get a couple of motel rooms. If we leave today that will give us all day Saturday and then we come back Sunday. You know, make an entire trip out of it. Besides, we need a break from this place," she says, trying to persuade me. Flipping over onto her stomach, she lowers her black baseball cap, over her eyes. Switching her phone to a different angle, she takes another selfie.

"I'm not taking no for an answer. So come on and get ready, we're leaving in a few hours. Besides I need my best friend. I promise it will be exciting and you will have fun," she begs. Without waiting for a response, she jumps up, dragging me to the closet.

"Ugh, I planned on being lazy all weekend watching reruns on TV and eating my weight in chunky monkey ice cream" I whine, realizing how depressing and boring that statement sounded. "Besides, who's even going? Because if Sam is going, I'm not. I can't spend an entire weekend pretending I don't loathe everything about her. I know she's your friend and all but she's a bitch" I say, hoping she doesn't take offense by it. I stand there, watching her pull random pieces of clothing from both sides of the closet. Without looking, she reaches behind, shoving them into my empty suitcases.

"It's just our usual friend group: you and I, Hope, her cousin Ben, my friend Jessica, and Hayden. So you have no worries Sam is not invited. I refuse to spend the weekend watching her pathetically harass my brother. I want to enjoy myself this weekend and have fun, not be sick to my stomach" She laughs, ignoring that Hayden and I will be trapped together for two nights. Grabbing the last empty suitcase, I watch helplessly as she dumps various makeup and beauty products into it.

"Look, I can tell you're stressing over the situation with you and him. It's cool. We've both spoken our peace and we're in a good place. I never said I didn't want you to be his friend. I just wanted you to understand what being involved with him means. And not to get your hopes up because it's not worth it" she informs me, trying to reassure me it will work out, everything will be okay.

I guess she's right about me needing a break from this place. I haven't left the dorm in weeks. Unless you count going to class and eating. Plus, I  do need a distraction from the problems in my life right now. Ignoring Hayden won't be too difficult. It isn't like he'll be in my face, trying to talk to me. Maybe I should go. I know myself and if I don't, I'll regret it, wishing I had.

"Okay, I guess, you win. I'll go" I grumble, admitting defeat, giving in."And by the way, who is Jessica" I ask, between her loud excited squeals.

"She's one of my friends from class. You'll probably recognize her when you see her. I didn't care for her the first time we met, but she's grown on me. I'm pretty sure she's in your first period" she mumbles vaguely. I get the feeling she's not being honest with me about something. It feels like she's brushing my question off. Now wanting to overthink it, I let it drop. I'll see who she is soon enough.

An hour later, we're both packed and ready to go. Hayden texts her, informing us he's outside.  A wave of anxiety overcomes me, hitting me like a ton of bricks. 

I don't know if it's because I've never been on a road trip. Unless, of course, you count the drive up here with my mom. The drive to Johnny's grandpa's cabin doesn't count either. It may have seemed like we drove forever, but it was more like thirty to forty-five minutes. Or it could be that I'm going on a trip with Hayden. Even if we're going as a group, not just the two of us, we'll still be together in a new place. Either way, my anxiety is sky-high. Trying to calm down I remind myself Sky's going so I know he isn't going to try and talk to me. There is enough of us going to keep me occupied. Besides it's only two nights, what's the worst that could happen?

Walking outside it's a little chilly, despite the sun shining brightly. My breath catches in my throat catching sight of him. Even with everything going on I can't deny how good he looks. Damn it, why can't he be unattractive. It would make this situation so much easier. I ask myself, following Sky to where he stands, loading our bags into the car.

"How much shit did you guys pack?" he complains, tossing the last bag into the already crammed trunk. Against all odds, he succeeds in getting it closed with one hard slam. I'm slightly disappointed he refused to look at me while I stood there. Instead, looking everywhere else. 

Sky jumps in the back taking the last remaining seat, sitting with Hope and Ben. Great, that leaves me sitting up front. Hopefully, I'm overthinking everything and it won't be that bad. Opening the passenger door my heart stops. Sky was right, the minute I saw her, I knew exactly who Jessica was. She's the blonde girl from the other day. The one that was hanging all over Hayden. Reading over his shoulder, practically shoving her oversized breast in his face. And now she's here, sitting right in front of me. Looking up at me, she smiles before scooting into the middle seat, between us. I stand frozen, staring at her. 

"Bex, what's wrong? What are you doing?  Hurry up and get in so we can hit the road." Sky demands, ready to go. Everyone is already in the car and I'm standing here looking like an idiot. Thankfully, I don't think anyone realized what the true hold-up was. I had decided to keep my everyday bag out, having to switch shoulders before climbing in. I take a few seconds to situate my bag at my feet before closing the door. This is a nightmare I think, lying my head against the window. 

Watching out the window, the dorms become smaller before fading into tiny pin dots. The realization slowly sank in that this was a horrible idea. I should have stayed home. Halloween isn't even a big deal for me. I'm more of a Christmas girl. This is going to be a long weekend. Scratch that, a long ass miserable weekend.