By the time I wake up the next morning, it's almost noon. It takes several minutes for me to come to. I had forgotten how good it felt to sleep all night. Last night was the first night in over two years that I didn't have any nightmares. Not one. My body feels rested, better than it has in a long time. I let out a low moan as I stretch. Looking around beside me, I realize that I'm alone. I'm surprised. I had expected to find Hayden next to me, or at least in the room. But he's not. It's only me. I don't know why, but it upsets me. What did I expect? It's not like we're in a relationship or even friends. But waking up by myself wasn't what I  wanted. I can't help the small twinge of sadness in my heart.

Trying to get my mind off things, I spend the day doing laundry and catching up on my notes for tomorrow. I have an English test which I'm dreading. I've put off studying all weekend. Sighing, I flip through the pages of my notebooks, skimming over my chicken scratch. I like to organize my notes, separated by dates and classes. Each class has a folder. I've divided each folder into chapters labeled by individual tabs. I also like to use different-colored highlighters. Yellow for dates, green for names, and pink for anything important. I keep several other colors depending on what I need them for. I wish I would have tried this hard before. Maybe I'd be more successful, instead of being eighteen with nothing to my name.

A ding from my computer across the room catches my attention. Before answering I rush to finish folding my clean load of whites, still skimming my notes. The last thing to do is match two socks in my basket, rolling them up before tossing them back into the basket. Before the call ends, I quickly rush to the desk, flinging open my laptop.

"Hey mom" I smile at the screen when her face appears. I hadn't realized how much I missed her. It's strange since we've never had a good relationship. Maybe I'm just used to seeing her face every day.

"Bex, I miss you so much. You look amazing, honey. Do you like your classes? How have you been? Have you made any friends?" My mom eagerly starts bombarding me with questions. She doesn't let me answer the first one before she's on to the next one. It feels good to see her face, but she looks different. I'm not sure what it is. I can't quite put my finger on it. It's only been a few weeks since I left, but something changed. She looks older, maybe happier than I remember. Or has she always looked like this and I never noticed? I sit there taking her appearance in. It feels like I haven't seen her in ages,  way longer than just a few weeks.

She's wearing her favorite green sweater. The one that my nana bought her last Christmas. As usual, she has her hair pulled up. I can't help but notice the amount of grey streaks through it. Or perhaps she hasn't dyed it lately.

"I'm doing good, Mom. You would be proud of me. So far, I'm keeping my grades up," I inform her, holding up my notes to show her.

"Ask her the real questions you want to know" April's screechy voice pops up from the background. "How many guys have you fucked? Have you found any new college drugs that you like?" Her pudgy face appears smashed next to my mom's. Her bushy brown hair is wild and matted against her chunky cheeks, which are redder than usual. I'm assuming it's from her excessive breakout of acne. I wish I could reach through the screen and strangle her.

"April!" my mom scolds, pushing her away. She smacks at her off the screen. I know it's all for show. April never gets punished. That was always my department. I can tell by her face my mom was secretly pondering those same questions. But she doesn't want to ask them out loud. She's probably afraid of what my answers would be.

"No Mom, it's okay. I know you have your doubts. I haven't given you any reason to trust me yet," I groan, trying to reassure her I'm okay. Ignoring April and her rude comments is a lot harder. 

"The answer to the drugs is no, I haven't. That's something I don't plan on going back to. I learned my lesson the hard way. And I haven't slept with anyone either," I reassure her. My voice trembles with those words. I'm not sure if it's because of my feelings for Hayden or because the pain of his rejection still stings. Answering these questions makes it hard to keep my emotions in check. It's not like I'm lying to her. I haven't physically had sex with Hayden. But I still can't help feeling guilty. All I've ever wanted to do is make her proud of me. I never got the chance to prove it to my dad. I don't want to make the same mistake with her.

"Yeah, right," I hear April mumble in the background. It's a relief when my mom's phone rings behind her. April gives me an evil grin as my mom turns to answer it.

"Hello, oh hi mom. Yeah, I can talk. Give me a minute. I'm on a Facetime call with Bex. Let me hang up with her. Okay, Mom, hold on," I continue listening as she talks to my Nana on her cellphone. She places the phone down, turning back to me.

"Honey, I love you. Ignore your sister. We both miss you so much. But Nana is calling long distance,  I will have to call you back later, okay? Take care and I can't wait to see you for the holidays" She blows a kiss through the screen, before hanging up. I don't even have the chance to respond as the screen goes black. The last image I saw was April flipping me off behind my mother's back. I haven't even thought about the upcoming holidays. Do I even want to go home? I miss my mom, but I know it's only because we're apart. I just got away from there. Plus, I don't know If I can go that whole vacation without strangling April. Maybe I'll show my face for Thanksgiving, then come straight back. But I know she will want me home for a while over Christmas, at least a week. I'm still contemplating my options when Skylar walks in.

"Hey," I smile, swiveling in my chair to face her, as she sits on the bed. I can sense something is wrong by her demeanor, it's off. After her reaction last night, I assume it has something to do with me and Hayden. Her behavior is strange, acting distant toward me. She's normally straightforward and to the point, but now she's beating around the bush. I can tell she wants to say something, her eyes darting around, avoiding me. Her feet bustle around on the ground, shifting back and forth. Waiting for her to speak, I sit watching her fumble with the zipper of her jacket, taking it up and down. Her acting this way, makes me feel like I'm back in high school, sitting in the principal's office, waiting to be scolded. The only difference is back then I at least knew what I had done, this time I have no clue.

"Is everything okay? You seem a little off, is something wrong?" I cautiously ask, breaking the tension despite being unsure what this might lead to.

"Bex, I don't know what to say right now. Or how to even approach this," she begins, pausing, and shifting slightly. It's oddly quiet aside from our combined breathing and her feet still shuffling around. 

"It's okay, You can tell me whatever is on your mind. You can ask me anything" I don't know who I'm trying to convince more. 

"I like you, Bex. You're one of my best friends here and I want to trust you. I don't want us keeping any secrets between us," she says, carefully trying to choose her words. Knowing exactly where this discussion is headed I remain silent, keeping my eyes locked on hers.

"If you're fucking my brother, please tell me," she blurts out, looking as if a weight has lifted from her shoulders. 

" I don't even know him that well. So the answer to your question is no we haven't had sex, if that's what you mean," I shrug, unsure if I should tell her the truth about the rest or not. She only asked about having sex, not fooling around, so technically it isn't a lie. She sighed in relief, exhaling a deep breath.

" Oh, thank god. I mean Hayden's my brother and I love him more than anything. But he's troubled. Yeah, he's a good person when he wants to be, but he also has a dark side. He tries to do the right thing, but it's hard. He can't connect with others, he doesn't know how to treat people. And girls are his weakness. He doesn't date, going from one chick to the next. It's not all his fault, they throw themselves at him. It's sickening. Do you know how many girl's hearts he's broken, and he doesn't care? He doesn't feel bad about it" she sighs, looking down. I can tell she's hurting. I know it's hard for her to admit this to me about her brother. She loves him and cares deeply for him.

"It always ends up the same. I'm the one stuck pieceing things back together after he leaves. Every girl he hurts, clings to  me afterwards. I guess they think scoring brownie points with me sill some how make him like them. But my friends that he's dated end up ghosting me. And I don't want that happening with us. I value our friendship" she sobs quietly, sniffling and looking away. Her eyes watering, but no tears fall. Trying to be sincere, I reach over grabbing a tissue, and handing it to her. I'm not sure if I should say anything or not. After a few seconds, I decide against it, wanting to allow her to finishing venting.

"I don't think he knows how to love anyone other than himself. At least I've never seen it. Hell, come to think of it, I've never even known him to let a girl stay the night, sleeping with him." She dabs the corners of her eyes with the tissue, before blowing her nose into it. "Don't get me wrong, he's not a horrible person. He just has a lot of problems, mainly trust issues. I've tried to help him but it never works. I'm his sister and he refuses to let me get close to him. A person can only do so much. I don't want him to hurt you, because it will happen. Everyone that loves Hayden gets hurt, even me." Her tears finally break through, streaming down her face. She looks up at me, waiting for me to say something.

 I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say. The Hayden she explained seems like a completely different person. It doesn't sound likt the boy who wakes me up from my nightmares. The one whos so gentle with, holding me in the dark. But maybe she's right. I mean she knows him better than anyone else. Do I even know the real him? Is this whole Mr. Nice guy an act to get something from me? All of this is to much to handle. I can sense a migraine coming on. Closing my eyes momentarily and taking a deep breath helps me find my voice.

"You know, he's not the only troubled one. I have a lot of darkness in my past, too. I'm trying to overcome it and move forward, and it's hard. Believe me, I'm not innocent by far. But right now I'm getting a second chance at life. And I'm trying not to screw it up, taking life one day at a timem. Some days are harder for me than others. So you don't have to worry, I'm trying to focus on myself and only me." I whisper, my voice once again fades off, leaving me speechless. She seems content with my answer. Grabbing a clean tissue she dries her eyes, tossing it into the trash. Her beautiful blue eyes are filled with sadness, swollen and red. She looks hurt an  vulnerable. But even with her face puffy, and blotchy, she still looks beautiful. 

I'm secretly relieved when the conversation shifts into her and Hope's latest conflict. She rambles on about how she feels ignored. Hopes girl power group is consuming most of her time and energy due to an upcoming pep rally. I wish my problems we're that simple. Listening to her talk allows to push my feelings away, getting them under control. With everything that has been happening I've grown quite good at masking my emotions. The holidays with my family and Hayden need to be the furthest thing in my mind. I need an escape. I need something to ease my mind, but the one thing that helps is the thing I need to avoid. There's nothing else for me to do beside sit here and suffer. I'm stuck in an endless tidal wave of emotions, slowly drowning me. And I don't know how to swim.