Chapter 42: Magic

"Yeah, it's me," he confirms, putting my mind to rest.

It's strange how my anxieties instantly form wings and fly far away after hearing his simple statement. He miraculously makes everything better, so much better.

"Sorry for waking you," he apologizes. "I was really trying to be quiet."

"You failed," I tease him, unable to stop smiling. I already feel like myself again. He really is my lifeline. He's my magic.

He bends down and places a kiss on my forehead before he starts shrugging off his jacket. "You can go back to sleep."

I bite my lip to keep from smiling further and furiously shake my head. "Not a chance."

He arches an eyebrow at me questioningly while unbuttoning his shirt.

"I missed you so much. There's no way I'm just going back to sleep. You've barely even kissed me," I complain.

He glances down at me for a second, trying to figure me out, before a mischievous grin begins to take shape on his lips. "Is this another one of your cries for more romance without directly asking me for it?"

I cross my arms over my chest. "Well, it wouldn't kill you to show me more affection."

"Firstly, I've just been on a thirteen-hour flight, and secondly, I've literally just walked into the room, and finally, you really need to learn to just ask me for whatever it is you want. I'll never refuse you. Also, I don't think I can get much more affectionate with you. Give me a sec' and I'll show you all the affection in the world," he promises, pulling off his shirt.

I watch him closely, refraining from staring at his drool-worthy abs -- I can't afford to be tempted right now. "I'm waiting," I remind him, wanting to feel his arms around me already.

He undoes the button of his jeans and laughs quietly. "You're so impatient."

His laugh is like music to my ears. It's honestly the best sound in the world. It's my most favorite sound and I never want to go without it.

"Can I at least shower first?" he asks, seeking my permission.

I shake my head, my mind made up. "No," I reply firmly.

We all know that he's probably showered a billion times on the plane in any case. He's never not clean. He's cleaner than soap.

"But I feel like I could be cleaner," he protests.

"No time," I add, looking away when he pulls down his zipper and starts changing out of jeans and into a pair of black sweats. "I want you and I want you now."

He raises both eyebrows and freezes, taken aback my words. "Babe," he starts hesitantly, recovering, "you might want to rephrase because I know you didn't mean that to be how it sounded, and I don't want to get too...you know...for no reason."

I just smile, aware of where his head is at. "Never leave me again," I command.

Concern sweeps through his eyes. "You've really haven't taken this well, huh? It's been a hard knock for you?"

I nod. "I hate being away from you. Not a fan."

"Me neither," he agrees before crawling on top of me. He leans down to kiss me on the lips, but I turn my face away. He furrows his brows in confusion and backs off slightly. "You're sending me mixed signals again. Sometimes, I still struggle to read you. Do you not want me to--"

"I do!" I quickly declare. "I'm sick, though," I explain before he can take it personally. I would never reject him for no reason.

"I don't care," he retorts stubbornly, unfazed.

I can't help but grin fully at hearing that. He always makes me feel so loved and I never doubt that I am.

"Missed that smile," he says, not wasting another second to kiss me properly.

I feel his own lips twitch into a smile against mine. Sighing happily, I inhale his fresh scent and breathe in his breath. I run my fingers through his soft hair. My senses are so hyper-focused on him as I try to match his passionate energy -- it's proving to be difficult, I'm not too sure what's gotten into him. He's not usually like this.

Still, I love that I have complete trust in him. I could melt in his arms and burn in his love – that would be a great way to go.

"Jay," I murmur in content into his mouth before pulling away, my chest heaving as I try to catch my breath. "That's the romance I was looking for, the kind of kiss that I want to be gifted with whenever you get home."

"Message received. There's no way I would have made another night without you," he confesses breathlessly, skimming his lips across my jaw and down the side of my neck, leaving a trail of fire in his wake as his hands glide up my body.

"That's the real reason you came home, right?" I joke, testing him as I lean up on my elbows. "I'm your magic?"

He places a tender kiss against my collarbone, looking down into my eyes with so much love and sincerity. "Honestly...yeah," he confesses, pressing his forehead against mine. "Is it possible to love someone too much? I think I've already been there and passed that point. It's in the rearview mirror already."

I have to smile again, lingering in his warm presence as a wonderful calmness radiates through me -- I've come to know it as the 'Jay effect', and I've discovered that I'm totally dependent on it for my own survival.

I can't exactly put it into words but when I'm with him, when I'm with my Jay, my soul is free.

*~*~*~**~*~*~*

"So, what did you miss most about me?" I ask him once we've cooled down, or, as I should say, once Jay's cooled down.

We're currently just sitting on the bed beside each other, discussing the most random of things yet having the best of times.

He looks my way and shakes his head. "You're such a narcissist."

I gasp, feigning offense.

"You just want me to list a whole bunch of the things that I love about you which is practically everything," he tells me with a lopsided grin.

He's got me down.

I laugh and brush my hair to one side. "Get to it then. Start listing all those amazing things about me."

"This," he taps my lips lightly with his index finger, "this right here is my favorite thing about you and probably what I missed most about you."

I nod in understanding, totally getting it. "My sweet kisses."

He chuckles at my vanity and shakes his head again. "Your smile, you flip-flop."

"And my kisses?" I query, daring him to say otherwise.

"Your kisses are very...meh. Average," he informs me with a careless shrug as if what he just said isn't at all offensive. "Needs some work."

My mouth falls agape at his audacity. "That's rich coming from the guy who wouldn't stop kissing me just a few minutes go," I reply and slap his arm for his unnecessary sass. "Keep it up and you can go without my kisses."

"But how are you going to get any better without practice?" he counters before leaning forward and quickly planting one on me. "I think you could do with a lot more practice," he adds suggestively.

"For someone who hates my kisses, you sure kiss me a lot," I point out, hiding my grin – I refuse to give him the satisfaction.

"I've never been against giving to charity, you know that," he responds with more cheek.

He gets hit on his arm a second time, much to his own amusement.

"You're on thin ice, Taylor," I warn him, feeling playful.

"What's new?" he jokes. "I'm basically a pro at skating on thin ice now. Figure skaters have nothing on me anymore."

An unintentional and involuntary laugh trickles out of me, and I catch him staring.

"What?" I raise a brow at him, curious yet still laughing.

"Nothing," he replies, unwilling to share.

"Jay," I groan, wanting to know what he's thinking.

I'm not laughing anymore.

"Aqueela," he mocks me, in turn.

"Tell me or I'll have no choice to crack open your head and read your pathetic mind," I threaten him.

"Nah. I think I'll keep this one to myself," he taunts, teasing but also serious. "I'll keep it for my brilliant mind."

Disappointed, I huff and turn on my side, facing away from him.

Before I can pretend to be dead again, I feel his arms enclose around my waist. He tugs my back to his chest and drops his head to murmur in my ear, "I just get this weird feeling in my stomach, like butterflies, I guess, whenever you laugh. It's stupid." He kisses the side of my head. "That's what I was thinking," he shares.

I fall silent, mulling over his words. Basically, he just got a feeling of love for me, as I would describe it anyway. It's that feeling where you look at someone and suddenly get this powerful urge to squeeze them so tight to you and you never, ever want to let them go.

I glance over my shoulder at him. "It's a pity you've been banned from my kisses because I want nothing more than to kiss you right now."

"A real pity," he repeats, waiting for me to fold first.

"You call me beautiful, but you don't want to kiss me?" I pout in longing.

"I say a lot of things when I've been sleep-deprived. It's all about the bants," he assures me before pressing his lips to mine, caving first.

I reciprocate but when the kiss gets a little too heated, and I feel Jay's hands slowly tracing a path down to hem of my shirt, I have to push him away.

With that, he suddenly sits up, running a hand through his hair as if stressed, unintentionally messing it. "Can we talk?" he asks, his voice strained.

I nod and pull myself into an upright position again. "Are you mad?" I ask, dreading his answer.

"With you?" He quickly shakes his head. "Not possible."

I mean, it's definitely possible. I've experienced his rage before, maybe not recently, but still...

"Alright...well, whatever you want to say, I'm listening," I assure him, hoping to boost his confidence because he seems doubtful of himself at the moment.

"Thanks," he nods. He takes his time, as if trying to word it perfectly in his head, before speaking again. "When I say this," he pauses, his eyes searching my own in a cautious manner, "please don't think that I'm pressuring you. I can wait but I just feel like something is up. I'm trying to understand. I'm confused and sometimes, it feels a lot like whiplash."

I already have an instinctive feeling of where he might take this.

"I know you trust me, and I know you love me," he breathes, and I nod, confirming it for him, "but it almost feels like you're genuinely afraid of intimacy...fearful of taking the next step with me...like there's more that you maybe aren't voicing, and I get the feeling that it doesn't have anything to do with me," he bravely continues on with his sweet, gentle approach.

I can tell that this isn't easy for him to say. It's clearly been bothering him for some time.

"And I just need you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Whatever is holding you back, no matter how unsettling or confusing or scary, you can tell me. You don't have to, but I just want to remind you that I'm here and that I can handle it. I can shoulder it. I can meet you there. I will meet you there. I'll lead you out of it. I promise."

I nod again, speechless. My heart aches.

"And I'll never judge you or stop loving you for anything," he vows.

I believe him. I believe him with every fiber of my being.

I find it all springing to the surface, as if it's on the tip of my tongue, ready to be uttered, but I swallow like a coward and just shake my head. "Everything's fine. I'm just not ready yet."

A shadow of uncertainty flickers across his eyes but he pushes through, summoning more inner courage to keep going. "I know you though, Aqueela, and I feel like it goes deeper than that."

"Everything's fine," I say a second time, growing uncomfortable under his concerned gaze.

I don't know what my eyes reveal but it's then that he chooses to leave it be.

"Okay," he accepts my answer, not poking at it anymore.

"Okay?" I check with him.

He nods, intertwining my fingers with his before bringing the back of my hand to his mouth for a kiss. "Okay."

My lips twitch up into another smile as I snuggle into his chest and embrace him. He smiles down at me and runs his fingers through my hair. "I love you, klutz," he tells me quietly. "So much."

Every time he says it, I know that he means it with his whole heart. I know this because it took him nearly six years to actually say it to me. In the past, he didn't ever have siblings or parents or friends to say it to. I was his first, and I know how difficult it was for him to finally tell me.

I hide my face in his neck and smile, grateful to be protected.

Slobber finally stirs. He sniffs the air once, catching whiff of the minty and soapy scent. His eyes automatically snap open. And then, before either of us can react, he steals my place and attacks Jay with wet, puppy kisses.

I watch the scene unfold and shake my head, laughing; I'm not the only one who considers Jay to be the best human alive.

*~*~*~**~*~*~*

Light filters into the room the next morning, waking me up. I turn and stretch out my hand, expecting to find an empty spot beside me, the usual, but when my hand touches hard muscle, my eyes fling open in surprise.

Jay's already looking at me and grinning. "Hey."

Despite still feeling sick, I easily return his grin, pleased to see him. "Hey."

"You seem shocked?" he questions, reading my expression.

"Well, what time is it?" I inquire.

"Seven," he answers rapidly as if he was expecting me to ask.

"Then yeah, I'm shocked. You slept in?" I quiz.

Sleeping until seven, whether sleep-deprived or not, is unheard of for Jay.

"I did," he confirms. "I hated it, but I did."

I laugh and remove my hand from his firm chest. "Then why?"

"To wake up to this," he says, his eyes glimmering with happiness as he reaches out to caress my cheek. "I miss this when I'm up before you."

Most of the time, we're both so busy doing our own thing that we tend to miss out on the more traditional and domestic aspects of a serious relationship. Neither of us have been wired to be normal, and on the rare occasion that it bums me out, I remind myself that 'normal' is overrated. I'd rather us live life like we're on borrowed time.

"I'm not sure why you'd want to see me like this. I'm a mess in the mornings," I say with a yawn, covering my mouth before lazily stretching out my limbs. "I've always thought that you purposely get up early to avoid it," I joke while trying to untangle my hair with my fingers.

In the future, my desire is for Jay and I to spend more time together. At the moment, life is crazy and unpredictable, and I can't expect too much. At times, it feels like we're ships passing in the night, but we're young and we're still trying to figure it all out.

He rolls his eyes playfully and pecks my cheek. "Please. You know you light up rooms. You know you're hot," he tells me confidently while getting out of bed.

I've never really paid that much attention to my physical appearance. I mean, I'm not a total slob but I also don't go overboard. I put in minimal effort, balancing out both girly and lazy depending on my mood. Above all, I like being comfortable in my own skin. I've never considered myself to be 'hot' but I'll take my husband-thing's word for it, even if he is ridiculously biased when it comes to me. 

"So, you're only with me for my looks then?" I investigate, kidding around.

A smirk curves at his lips. "'Queels, let's get real here, there's no way I'd still be with you if I wasn't in love with your personality too."

It takes me a few seconds to register and by the time I do, he's headed to the bathroom with his back to me. I pick up a pillow and throw it at his head with force but, without even turning around, he dodges slightly and lifts his hand at the exact right moment to catch the pillow perfectly.

"I know you too well," he brags with a chuckle, quickly tossing the pillow aside.

The bathroom door slams shut after him before I hear the shower switch on. I simply smile to myself and shake my head. I hope he never changes.

*~*~*~**~*~*~*

It's a little later when Jay and I are both dressed and hanging in the Taylor Tavern – I refuse to call it Aqueela's Cove when Jay's around – amusing ourselves with light conversation and petty insults. And, like always, Slobber's taken his side.

I'm busy downing a berry-flavored, frozen yogurt in a very unladylike way when the door swings open and in steps Grey, Emma, Xavier, and Elle.

Grey freezes when he notices his best friend's presence. "I didn't know you were coming home early?" he questions, an automatic grin pulling at his lips. He's always a tortured soul until Jay's around. Their friendship is the friendship that everyone aspires to have – lifelong, loyal, and true.

"Well, why are you just standing there? Get over here already, man," Jay jokes, greeting him with a hand clap followed by a bro-hug – their usual routine after not seeing other for a while.

"I'm so glad that you're home, bud," Grey takes the liberty to express his relief. "Never leave me with your girl again. I'm done with my comeuppance. It's been hell."

"Yeah, for me!" I emphasize, not allowing his comment to slide. "It's been awesome for you because I'm such a joy to be around."

Elle smiles, entertained by our arguing.

Grey ignores me, directing his attention back to Jay. "She's nearly died a few times now. I never realized the hourly work you put in to keeping her alive."

Jay chuckles as if he'd been expecting Grey to say something like that. "Well, my man, as a thank you for your efforts and for keeping her breathing, I actually got you something."

I huff. "I don't feel like I'm that bad that he needs a gift for spending a few glorious days with me."

Xavier snorts in amusement and then holds his hands up apologetically when I glare at him.

"You didn't have to—" Grey stops talking when Jay hands him a slip of paper.

"I did, bud. I did," Jay insists, watching his friend's expression drop into disbelief as he reads the words on the slip again and again to make sure he's following.

Impatient, Em grabs the slip from Grey's hand and reads it aloud for us. "JT somehow got him a chance to drive an F3 car around the track for an hour. That's sick and I'm kind of jealous." She looks up at us with her green eyes. "And you're all welcome; I know you were all dying to know too."

Grey snatches the slip back from Em and holds it to his chest protectively before meeting Jay's gaze again. "How did you manage this?"

Jay shrugs. "It helps to have the right contacts, that being Jed, but it's nothing, man. You've done a lot for me. I just wanted to thank you--"

"You never have to thank me, you're my family, but this is incredible," Grey cuts him off, still shellshocked. "I never thought that I'd ever get the chance to test out the speed of any Formula car."

Jay grins at hearing this, glad to have made his day. "Well, man, you thought wrong."

Their bromance is always moving to watch.

"This bromance is touching," Em voices my exact thoughts, thinking the same.

"Like mine and your brother's?" Xave jokes.

"No!" Em snaps at him. "Nothing like you guys. These two actually love and respect each other. They're real brothers."

Xave moves his gaze over to Jay. "I can see so because unlike Grey, I thought right about never driving an Formula car; I don't see a slip in my hand," he complains, envious. "Where's my present at?"

"One second," Jay replies and reaches into the pockets of his hoodie again.

Xavier's eyes grow huge and just about fall out of his empty skull. "Wait...you actually got me something? Are you serious?"

Jay nods absentmindedly. "Of course, man, and I think you're gonna like it, but how about you try greeting me first? I haven't seen you in a couple months now."

With this new knowledge under his belt, Xavier immediately shoves everyone out of the way, including his wife, so that he can reach Jay. He embraces him tightly and immediately starts sucking up to him. "You killed it on TV! You were great! You were better than great, you were—"

"None of that," Jay requests, pushing Xavier off of him with an uncomfortable grin – he still hates the limelight.

"Sorry," Xave steps back to give him his space.

"It's good to see you again, bud. Here," Jay hands him two tickets. "You and Em will have good seats to the race, and you'll have full access to the team garages and the paddock, and hopefully, you'll get to meet a few of the drivers."

Xavier stares at him blankly for a second, stunned, before hugging him again in pure gratitude. "I don't deserve you," he concludes dramatically.

My life story, right there...

Em grins widely and reaches up to ruffle Jay's hair and kiss his cheek. "Thanks, JT."

It's official, Jay's magic. He brings magic into the atmosphere.

My husband-thing notices Elle standing awkwardly to one side and as expected, deliberately turns his attention to her in an attempt to include her. "Hey, I'm Jay," he introduces himself to her seeing as no one else is doing it.

Elle takes his outstretched hand into her own and shakes it. "Elle," she replies with a small smile on her face. "I've heard a lot about you from Grey."

He glances over at Grey, putting it together, and then nods gently.

"Your eyes really are as blue as Troy described in a freakishly accurate way," she remarks in awe.

His face falls at hearing that. "I'm so sorry that you've met him already. We usually build up people's tolerance levels for crazy first before introducing them to Troy. Or, you know, we just never introduce them to him."

Elle giggles. "I would have appreciated that. He was definitely...something."

"Ramos was there too," Em fills Jay in on what he's missed.

He flinches at hearing that before glancing down at Elle in regret. "You deserve something for that kind of bravery. I bought a spare French scarf in case I forgot any of my friends. You should have it. It was hand-knitted by a really talented local," he tells her, retrieving the gift from the rest of his present pile before handing it to her.

"Oh," Elle opens her mouth in surprise as she tries to give the gift back to him, "I wasn't at all expecting anything. You don't even know me. I can't—"

"You can," Jay replies and steps away so that she can't force the red scarf back into his hands. "Unless you hate it, then you can give it back. I won't take offence."

She laughs again and shakes her head. "No, it's not that. I think you have good taste," she reassures him before looking over at me and winking. "But—"

"Give up, Elle," Grey encourages. "You're not winning this one."

Em nods along to what he's saying. "This is Jay, Elle. Our generous Jay. This is who he is. Just take the scarf and spare us the back and forth, please."

"Plus, I think it will suit you," Grey adds, making her blush.

Grey's smooth when he's interested. Elle looks flattered and a little flushed – Grey seems to have that effect on women when he's actually trying.

"Thank you, Jay," Elle accepts the gift and wraps it around her neck, not needing anymore convincing after hearing Grey's theory.

"Sure," Jay smiles down at her like it's no big deal.

Grey's ash-colored eyes flicker over her as he takes her in, and he grins ever so slightly. "I was right, Elle."

She ducks her head, hiding a shy smile from him.

I tear my gaze off their cuteness and turn to face Jay. "So, what? Everyone gets a gift but me?"

I'm the one who had to keep the most infuriating man on the planet in line! Did he save my life a few times? Sure, but that doesn't make up for his impertinent and disagreeable personality.

"You're so greedy, Aqueela. You already have Jay Taylor, the greatest gift of all, what more could you possibly want?!" Xavier snaps at me, doing all that he can to remain in Jay's good books -- it apparently has its perks.

It's nice to know that Xavier can be bought. Not that I think I could ever afford him...

"Shut up, Troy, I'm not talking to you," I joke, laughing when I see his jaw slacken.

He, predictably, starts ranting. "I've been insulted a lot in my life—"

"Makes sense," I interrupt him. "Was it your ears?"

He scowls at me for a long moment before continuing, "but that was by far the most hurtful insult I've ever heard...and my brother-in-law is literally known for being ruthless."

Em nods, not denying it. "True."

"Sweet girl," Jay wraps an arm around my waist, drawing me to his side to answer me, "I already gave you a gift that broke my bank account," he reminds me, picking up my hand and touching the perfect ring on my finger.

Em nods again. "Also true."

"Even a postcard would've been nice," I protest, only messing around. I don't expect anything from him. He's already given me everything.

"But that ring didn't stop me from getting you some stuff anyway," he adds, having purposely kept me hanging for his own enjoyment.

"You did not just do that to me!" I punch his arm and he laughs.

"Worth it," he replies as he begins searching through the mountain of presents for my gift.

I can't help but notice the bouquet of French lilies among the presents – they're beautiful but I've never really been a flower girl.

"Take, take, take," he says as he hands me a purple beret, colorful macaroons, and freshly baked croissants – all of them topping flowers.

Alright, I love this man. I love, love, love him!

I shake my head in awe before I start stuffing my face with macaroons, seeing how many I can fit into my mouth at once. "You never disappoint, Taylor," I murmur through my hamster cheeks.

"He disappointed me when he got engaged to you," Grey remarks in disgust at my mannerisms, resorting back to old tactics.

I chew and swallow before responding to him, "And he disappointed me when he finally started calling you his friend."

I can't help but be lured back into this ongoing war every time.

"And he also disappointed me when he started calling you."

"Calling me what?"

"No, that's it. I'm done."

I reach over to hit him, but Jay grabs me by my hips and forces me back into him. He sighs aloud. "Guys..."

"Guys," Xave copies Jay, defending him – it's weird, he's usually the one insulting Jay.

Jay sighs at Xavier next. "Xave..."

"Xave," Xavier starts and then realizes where he went wrong. "Oh. Right. Sorry. Please don't take my tickets away."

"Our tickets," Em buts in before he can forget.

"Remember, JT, no F1 tickets for me, no Indonesia for you," Xave warns him. "Fair is fair."

"Bud, I went out of my way to get you two those tickets. I'm not going to take them away from you, alright?" Jay assures him because he's acting like a paranoid Troy. "They'll still be yours, even if you uninvite me to Indonesia."

I place my new beret on and then decide I should take in everyone else's appearances, only noticing it now. "Why are all three of you," I point at Grey, Em, and Xave, and then keep my finger pointed at Grey, "wearing the same clothes as yesterday?"

"Get your finger out of my face, Lawson!" Ferrot slaps my hand away from him.

"Oh, gross!" I gasp, figuring it out. "Are you guys like a threesome now?" I point at Grey again just to annoy him.

"I'm putting a limit on your time with Laiken," Jay cuts in, addressing me with concern.

It's probably for the best. Also, where even is he?

Grey angrily slaps my hand from him for the second time. "One day, you will die at my hands, Lawson," he threatens, infuriated with what I just assumed.

"Hey, bud?" Jay drawls out with a laidback grin. "I get that you're frustrated, understandably, but can you not threaten my wife-thing's life right in front of me? It kind of puts me in a difficult position."

"You're lucky that I'm not carrying the threat through right now, bud," Grey grounds out, flashing me another one of his infamous glares.

"Listen, we haven't seen Grey in months. We weren't ready to say goodbye yesterday, so we dropped Alexis at Lan and Sarah, against my bro's wishes, obviously, and then the three of us went out partying," Em explains what happened, intervening. "We bumped into Elle and ended up staying at the club until morning." 

I can't imagine Lan being too pleased about this. He's not great with babies...or adults...or humans in general. He probably would have liked to have gone out with them, but he's a walking hazard and a people risk, and everyone knows it.

"Nice. Sounds like you guys had fun," Jay remarks, smiling.

"We did," Elle nods at him, beaming at the memory.

"You and Grey sure looked like you had lots and lots of fun in that dark corner," Xave teases her.

I don't miss Grey not-so-subtly dig his elbow into Xave's ribs, effectively shutting him up.

"Does anyone know where Laiken disappeared to?" I change the subject for Elle's sake. I'm also feeling a little distressed because usually Laiken will tell me if he's spending the night somewhere. It's not like him to disappear on me...I mean, it's exactly like him and he's done it multiple times already, but still.

"He told me that he was going out for a bit," Grey answers. "That was yesterday afternoon."

Why would he not come home though?

I take out my phone and try calling him but his phone is dead. That's the part that sends me spinning. In all the years that I've known Laiken, his phone has never been off. He's never allowed his phone's battery to ever reach zero.

I try Susie next. When she answers, I ask about her brother's whereabouts without raising any suspicion or alarm in her just yet. She tells me that she hasn't seen him recently. I try Mase as well, but even he doesn't have a clue.

My heart sinks into my stomach at the realization that there's only one other person who might know where he's at and that person is Zac Stokes, the last person that I want to talk to. 

"I'm sure he's fine, Aqueela," Grey assures me, not wanting me to panic. "He can handle himself."

For once, he means well. However, he and the others don't know all the terrors that have been plaguing Lai's mind. They don't know about all the parts of his life that he's busy juggling and trying to keep in the air. He's navigating through so much stress.

"What do you know, 'Queela? What's up?" Jay asks, seeing through me.

"It's not my place," I tell Jay, knowing that he'll understand.

I can't share of Lai's dying mother when he's yet to tell anyone himself -- he only recently told Mase.

"Give me a minute," I say and then leave the room for a second.

My heart slams against my ribcage as I scroll down my contacts and stop on his name. With shaky hands, I press the call button, a large part of me hoping that he won't answer. I wait and I wait and I wait, but it's obvious that he either doesn't have his phone or that he's not ready to talk to me yet.

I'm a second away from hanging up when he actually answers.

My chest begins to burn with anxiety when he doesn't say anything after a long moment of silence between us. I suck in a deep breath and decide to get this over with. "Zac? Are you there?"

I'm not sure why I didn't ask Jay to just call him. I guess a part of me wants to hear from him directly. I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty about wanting to know if he's okay after everything he's done to me and to the people I love. What is wrong with me?

I hear a sharp intake of breath from his side, but still no words come from him.

I sigh at the pointlessness of this. "I'm going to hang up now," I let him know.

"I'm here," he tells me in haste, speaking up before I can leave.

"Do you know where Laiken is?" I ask him harshly, cutting to the chase.

"No," he replies softly. "Why? Is he okay?"

"He's probably fine. I should go now," I say when I feel my throat start to close up. This was an awful idea.

"Please wait," he rasps, his voice hoarse.

My head starts aching at hearing the thick emotion in his voice. I lift a hand to my temple. "What?" I ask impatiently. "What do you want to say?"

There isn't anything that he can say that can undo all this. I don't know why I wait around to hear him talk but I do.

"I don't want to be anyone's enemy, especially not yours. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm tired of being weak and making the wrong choices. If I could go back in time, the only thing I would change is my existence. I would erase all of me. You would never have got in that car accident, and Max and Bell would still have their kid," he chokes on his words. "I'm so sorry, Aqueela. I hate myself everyday for all of it."

I find myself blinking back tears. It takes me a good minute to reign in my emotions as I scramble for a sense of calm. "I don't hate you, Zac," I whisper, needing him to at least know that. "I hate what you've done."

"You should hate me," he tells me desperately, wanting to convince me of the monster that he believes himself to be. "I'm not a good person. I deserve to be hated. I'm irredeemable."

My heart shatters then and there. I clutch a hand to my chest, feeling the intense pain bundling up there. I suck in a deep breath before speaking, "If I could go back in time—"

"Please don't," he begs, stopping me. "I know that I deserve it, but I'm not strong enough right now to hear you agree with me."

I continue anyway, "If I could go back in time, I would take all the damage, hurt, and pain that Lars has caused you over the years and I'd erase every single bit of it. I would take the wounds and scars on your heart, and I'd erase them. I'd take the fear inside of you and I'd erase it. Basically, I'd just erase his entire existence from your life. I'd erase anything and everything that has ever caused you harm. That's what I would erase. I hope that I get the eraser, Zac. I hope that you never get the eraser because despite what you may think, I don't want to say goodbye to all of you. Not then, not now, not ever."

My words must set him off because he can't seem to get a word out as he tries and fails to say my name. I hear something like a sniffle followed by a guttural sob before he hangs up and the line goes dead.

I will always hold him responsible for his actions. I won't cut him any slack there, but if he had never met Lars, I'm confident that he'd be a very different person. He'd still have his flaws, but he wouldn't be this far gone.

When I walk back into the room, there is only silence. I immediately feel the shift in the air. My first instinct is to glance to Jay. I only have to take one look at him to know that something is wrong.

He meets my gaze with pity and walks over to me before taking my hand in his. "Laiken's mom passed away," he answers all the questions roaming my mind.

"What?" I immediately splutter, so confused and distraught by the news.

"Ava just called me. She said she was having a tough day, so she drove into the countryside to some spot she discovered a while ago. When she got there, this was a middle-aged woman passed out on the grass. The woman was barely breathing. She called the ambulance and then searched the woman's phone and found her son's number, Laiken's number," he fills me in. "She died on the way to the hospital."

My own memories hit me hard. Jay, sensing where I am, presses me to his chest when tears start to flow down my face.

"Where is he now?" I ask frantically. 

I need to be there for him. I've been through this before.

"At the hospital. Ava's with him," he answers me. "I can drive you there?"

I nod, already headed to the front door. "Please."

*~*~*~**~*~*~*

"Listen, I'm going to hang back for a bit. I don't want to overwhelm him with too many people just yet. You okay to see him alone?" Jay questions, keeping up with me as I race through the hospital doors in the direction that Ava said he'd be in. "I'll be just outside–"

"That's fine," I reply, barely hearing him, my heart in my throat. I need to pull myself together for Lai's sake. I can't think of my own mom right now.

Ava meets us in the hallway, a few doors down from the room that Lai has found himself in. With watery eyes, she immediately flings herself into Jay, unable to speak. She clutches onto his shirt tightly for support, stifling her cries against his chest.

"Ave," he soothes her, patting her back before glancing over at me to make sure that I'm not internally freaking over this, "it's going to be okay," he reassures her in that calming way of his.

"I hate watching people die, Jay," she murmurs, her entire body trembling from shock.

It's then that I recall Jay's story. He and Ave have been through this before. They witnessed the death of a friend together – Trish.

What I'm currently seeing is trauma. Ava is experiencing trauma.

"This happened for a reason, Ave," he tells her quietly. "You were meant to be there. Because of you, she didn't die alone and in the middle of nowhere. She didn't go missing. Laiken won't have to wonder where she disappeared to. I know she's gone but there's at least peace in knowing what happened."

Ave pulls back from him and wipes at her eyes. "But why is it always me?"

Jay shrugs, not having all the answers for her. "I don't know, Ave. But I'm glad you were there. And I'm sure Laiken is too."

She stares down at the floor in despair before noticing my shoes. She moves her gaze up to me and musters up a weak smile before stepping forward to hug me. "I'm sorry. I didn't even realize you were here. I'm just—"

"It's okay," I stop her. "You don't have to explain. You've been through a lot."

She nods. "I can hardly comfort him; I don't even know him. It was just a coincidence."

I don't think any of this is a coincidence. I remember Lai's words and a strange feeling overcomes me. Did he really have a premonition about this? He acted so weird in front of Ava and couldn't even talk to her because he felt so strongly that she's somehow going to be important.

I wish I could tell Ava, but I don't think it should ever come from me.

"I'm glad you came. He needs a friend to comfort him in this moment, not a stranger," she adds, urging me to go in.

Feeling helpless, I look back at Jay from over my shoulder.

"I'll be right here," he assures, reading my mind.

I inhale sharply and then approach the room.

Nothing could have prepared me for the sight of Laiken – strong, unbreakable Laiken Edwards – sitting alone on the hospital floor with his head in his knees. 

*~**~*

Hey, guys :)

1. Thoughts on Jay and Grey's friendship?

2. Thoughts on Jay's gift to Grey, Em, and Xave?

3. Thoughts on Jay including Elle?

4. Thoughts on Jay and Aqueela's relationship?

5. Thoughts on the convo with Zac?

6. Thoughts on Laiken's current state of mind?

7. Favourite part/line of this chapter? Why?

~ CJ