Reviewing a story called SID by CiarraUchiha! They told me to go all out so I'll pull out all the stops. I hope I can be of some help! 

If you want your fic reviewed, feel free to drop the request here. 

This story is a Naruto one, so I'm pretty excited! Especially since Kakashi is on the cover. Let's roll out folks (: We're going to go with the list method again because that seemed like a great way to organize last time around.

1.) Pacing

Alright, so hopping straight on in I see tons of dialogue, which is totally fine! The grammar is good too, but one thing that I'm seeing an issue with is the pacing. Things are going a little fast, and we're plunged headfirst in with minimal detail. Just dialogue, and a lot of it all at once.

Jumping in the deep end like this is fun and a great way to hook the reader, but they're going to quickly lose interest if you don't give them enough information on the situation. I would add some more meat to your bones. No one wants to read straight dialogue right off the bat! Make it longer and not so bunched together. I want to see some thoughts in there! 

Example: 

"Hurry up, old man. I get that you're old, but still. You're Hokage for a reason, aren't you? You should be strong." The Hokage eyed her, thinking of the situation at hand.

vs

"Hurry up, old man. I get that you're old, but still. You're Hokage for a reason, aren't you? You should be strong." She huffed. The Hokage eyed her, thinking hard about the situation at hand. The girl was unwaveringly firm, and terribly strong for someone her age. She was a definite threat. That much was obvious. It was a little saddening to see. The way she held herself was not something you'd expect to see in someone so young, especially seeing as they were immersed in a time of peace, no matter how tumultuous the balance between nations was.

Tell us what everyone is thinking and feeling! Lengthen it up! Things are going way, way too fast. First she's here and suddenly the Hokage is just letting her stay here? Why? What's his thought process? She's been killing people, criminals or not, but he's just going to give her an apartment and call it a day? And suddenly Kakashi is here out of nowhere and she's being dragged off all in the span of a couple hundred words. 

Meat! On! The! Bones! Bulk it up babes! I want this thing fatter than a goddamn Christmas ham! Is it cold, is it hot, did she almost trip, are her shoes comfortable, is she shifting from foot to foot, does she think Kakashi smells weird? Does he think she smells weird? Does he raise his eyebrow at her and frown, does she? I want to know it all. I want this picture to be painted, not doodled!

2.) The dialogue 

There's nothing wrong with the dialogue itself, per se. The way it's been spaced, however, is odd and a little harder to read. Don't draw it out into so many tiny fragments!

Here's an example:

She shrugged. "Twelve." She took out a kunai, feeling everyone's gaze burn on her back, and she rolled her eyes.

"Relax, fuckers. I just like to sharpen my blades." She says as she took out a rock of sorts and started to sharpen the kunai. 

"It makes them more precise." She tells them 

/scree/

"More quick."

/scree/

"And more deadly." The Hokage said, his voice deep and dark.


This-- barring the Hokage at the end-- is all said by one person. It doesn't need to be drawn out and spaced like this. It's choppy and not super pleasant to read due to its format. You may be trying to build some sort of suspense or drama, but it's not executed quite right. The sound effects written out like that also don't really fit the vibe. That belongs in a written play, but if you're going for more of a novel-type, professional style of writing, that isn't the fit. Maybe try something more like: 


"Twelve." She shrugged, taking out a kunai with a surprising amount of nonchalance and grace. Everyone's gazes burned hard into her back, but she just rolled her eyes at the stares. She flicked a sharpening stone out and lined it up against the blade carefully. The girl remained wary of the presences around her even as she did this, but not in a manner that would make her appear concerned. A sign of weakness and they would pounce, she was sure. "Relax, fuckers. I just like to sharpen my blades."

She swiped the stone against the edge of her blade at an angle, the resounding shriek loud enough to echo several times in the wide office. It was like nails on a chalkboard. To some, it may seem like a mere noise, irritating and inappropriate given the circumstance the girl was in. To Hiruzen, it sounded a lot like a threat.

"It makes them more precise." 

She flipped the kunai and gave the other side the same treatment, unconcerned in her ways. She didn't cringe away from the sound, or from the ANBU that seemed to loom closer and closer by the second.

"More quick." 

Another swipe. Another screech. Hiruzen grimaced.

"And more deadly." The Hokage acknowledged, voice holding a grim undertone. She gave a small smile that was anything but kind.

Honestly, I don't see much more to critique. I've hopped around the chapters a little and skimmed through. I can't say much about the plot because I honestly don't have the time on my hands to read this whole thing, but it seems interesting and good overall. But to summarize:

-MORE INBETWEEN YOUR DIALOGUE. SPACE IT OUT!!!! Bestie, this entire story is just straight dialogue almost. I am seeing just all talking, talking, talking. And that's fine and I WANT all that dialogue. Keep it all!!! But add more. More inbetween, after, before, up, down. What face do they make when they say it? Who specifically says it? Where are they when they say it? Do they blow their bangs out of their face, swat a leaf off their shoulder, roll their eyes, stomp their feet? I've gotta know 

You've gotten tons better about detail by Chapter 25 and beyond, but I still see a lot of it and it would be so worth it to go back and edit the other chapters, and to still add to current ones! Totally consider it! 

-Take your time!! There's no rush! Like I said last review, I know you want to get it all down and out there and you're excited. It's every great writer's greatest weakness! You have all these ideas and you know what's going to happen, but again, it takes you longer to write it than it will EVER take them to read it. So lengthen it up and spend time bulking bestie. You've got this.

I really hope this helps and that you've gotten some ideas from it! Chow!