Dear LAWDY it has been a hot second since I've done one of these. I was asked personally to do this one and somehow, I managed to remember to actually do it this time. This is the power of sticky notes, guys. Use them, stick them to the wall right at your eyeline. Shit works.

Wow I haven't done one of these since 2021. Sweet jesus let's hop TO IT

So this review is for Pixila10's Naruto fanfiction, Kakashi Saves a Boy! They've asked me to keep it pretty neutral which is pretty much code for "Give me a few tips but please don't drag me through the mud by my hair" and girl, I've got you.

Right off the bat, the grammar is pretty solid. I'm digging what we have going here! I do want to note that in the first chapter, and throughout a few later chapters as I read, the pacing is a little fast in a few places. Not to the point that it's painful to read, but we can totally construct on it a little bit. 

Sometimes, fast pacing is because of a person's style of writing, but it never hurts to add more detail. Especially when you're writing in first person. This gives a solid look into a person's thoughts, into their feelings, and we WANT to know exactly what they feel. What do they see? What emotions are they experiencing? 

It never hurts to use diction that reflects the emotion behind a scene, too. If the person you're writing is frantic, make the writing frantic too! If they're tired, make it tired as well! Let's take a look, adding some details in--

Example:

Before:
I was running. Running as fast as I could. I couldn't be late. I absolutely couldn't. If I was... I didn't want to think about what would happen if I was. It would be absolutely disastrous.

After:
I was running, breaths coming out too fast and too short. My lungs didn't feel like they could do much more than that, struggling to expand and contract as I pushed myself to go faster, faster, faster. It didn't feel like enough, even as the scenery around me blurred past in impossible smudges of green and brown. 

I was going as quickly as I could, but it didn't seem like enough. All I knew for certain was that I couldn't be late. I absolutely couldn't. The mere thought made me feel like a sinking ship in the midst of a fathomless sea, waves crashing down on an already-rickety deck, threatening to capsize, to drown. If I was late... well, I didn't want to think about what would happen if I was.

If I was, it would be disastrous. And that much I knew for certain. 

(End example)

See what I mean, sorta? We've got a little bit of a scene surrounding Kakashi as he runs. We know he's struggling to breathe because he's panicked. Use metaphors, get poetic with your language! Really set the person in their shoes and give them a look at what your character is feeling at the time, let them connect! You want your readers to truly feel the franticness, the fear as their own.

Another thing with the pacing-- if you've got a chunky paragraph, totally divvy that girl up! Reading a massive block of text is hard. This is something I'm totally guilty of too! I've been working on it, even going back on some older chapters just to slice and dice.

It looks wayyyy smaller on your computer screen when you type it, but when that gets shrunk down when posted, compressed onto a phone screen? Suddenly you've got this massive, hunking beast to read through. Don't be shy, chop it in pieces! It makes it far easier to read!

There's absolutely no need to rush. I know there are parts of the story you want to get to, inspiration is pumping, and you're in the zone. Go back and beef it up after, though! Sights, smells, and again, feelings. Can't stress that enough! Don't rush through moments, especially important ones! 

Alright, onto the next thing. Dialogue! 

You've done an awesome job separating the dialogue. When a new person speaks, they should always get a line break. Doesn't matter if they're saying one word or thirty, they get their own paragraph! This helps separate characters and keep things from getting too confusing, as I'm sure you all know.

In the first chapter, with the speech, I noticed you don't clarify who's talking. It's implied that they're taking turns and this totally works as well! But it can make dialogue seem smoother and more dynamic to add details in at least a little. 

Example(s):

"He's a human! He's just a boy!" Kakashi pleaded, and it felt like he was falling apart as he did. Naruto was broken in his arms, cracked and bleeding in ways no child should be. And especially not him-- never him.

(end example)

Give us a look into how they're saying things, what they're thinking as they do, what they're feeling. I know I'm a broken record here, but honestly your story's super sick! I don't have tons of advice aside from 1.) don't rush! 2.) Break your big paragraphs and 3.) details!

In later chapters, like part 3, I also notice that you've had a few giant blocks of just dialogue. All from one person, which is still totally fire, but it doesn't hurt to break that up either. It never does-- it'll make your reading just that much smoother and more pleasant to read. 

Add things between your dialogue, too!  Don't just ping back and forth with pure conversation, because that's not how real people work. People stop to think, they pause when they speak, they observe the other person, feel things in response. Tell us EVERYTHING! 

Example: 

Before:

"I intervened with the mob and separated them from you. Once I did that, I brought you here. Naruto, I'm going to talk to the Hokage. With what happened, you shouldn't live alone anymore. I've already talked with him a little bit, but I'm going to see if you can come live with me. What do you think of that?" 

"Who are you? Why do you want to help me? I don't know you. It sounds wonderful, living with someone, but how do I know that you won't try and hurt me more. I know you saved me this time, but it could be a trick. Everyone tries to trick me. The only people who don't are Jiji-san, Teuchi-san, and Ayame-san. And you're not them."

After: 

Kakashi swallowed thickly, shifting in his seat. The last thing he wanted to do was scare Naruto, but he understood that he was a stranger, even if he regretted allowing himself to be. Naruto just... he deserved the world. And though Kakashi wasn't sure he was good enough to give him that, he was sure as hell willing to try after almost just losing him.

"I... I intervened with the mob and separated them from you. And once I did that, I brought you here." Kakashi told him, tone careful and quiet. He glanced up, feeling strangely tearful as he met the wary eyes of his sensei's son. He tried to inject his earnestness into his tone. "Naruto, I'm going to talk to the Hokage. With what happened, you-- you shouldn't live alone anymore. I've already talked with him a little bit, but I'm... I was going to see if you can come live with me. What... What do you think of that?"

(NOTE BREAK: dialogue reflects uncertainty, we know Kakashi is careful and quiet, tip-toeing, feeling emotional. Excellent info to give!)

Naruto shifted back from him, suspicion dawning clear as day on his little face. Kakashi's throat closed up at the sight of it. Naruto looked so terribly small, so scared in that moment that he didn't know what to do. Kakashi felt helpless in a way he hadn't since his father died.

Naruto was all Kakashi really had left in this world anymore. He was beyond important, and to think Kakashi had allowed something this terrible to happen to him? He'd failed Minato-sensei and Kushina and he knew it. 

He wouldn't make the same mistake again. Couldn't. This time it-- it had been too close. 

(NOTE BREAK: We see internal thoughts of Kakashi as he goes through this moment and reflects on regrets. We get to see Naruto through his eyes and glean more of the situation! Again, this sort of thing will help set the reader into the scene and get them emotionally invested. Takes longer to write, obviously, but soooo worth it!)

"Who are you?" Naruto asked, almost accusingly. "Why- Why do you want to help me? I don't know you. It sounds wonderful, living with someone, but how do I know that you won't try and h-hurt me more?"

The accusation stung, and apparently it showed on his face, even with his his mask up and headband down. Naruto tensed immediately, rushing to rectify. Kakashi gazed at him and wondered how he had ever allowed it to get to this point. Naruto was afraid of him. Naruto was afraid of Kakashi, afraid of what might happen if he accidentally made him mad.

It hurt. It hurt, and Naruto deserved so much more.

"I know you saved me this time, b-but it could be a trick." Naruto clarified, voice wobbling as he tried to stand strong and defensive. Kakashi felt like he was being broken in half.  "Everyone tries to trick me. The only people who don't are Jiji-san, Teuchi-san, and Ayame-san. And you're not them."

Kakashi wasn't, was he? But he could be. He wanted to be. 

(End example)

See what I mean? Naruto's a kid-- he's probably terrified. Lil homie almost got murked, and now some strange man in a mask is like "I want you to move in with me". Naruto's never been shown genuine love and care in his life practically, he's gotta be scared, and you gotta inject that into your prose! 

And... yeah. Your plot's solid, I love dad-kashi, Naruto deserves adoration, Naruto and Kurama being homebodies is my favorite thing ever, etc. You've got the foundations of a great story! Just inject some extra awesomeness in there and you'll really spice it up! 

Summary, aka the TL:DR, aka I'm a broken record still yikes: 
-Break your larger paragraphs into smaller parts for smoother reading! 

-Add more emotion, metaphors, details! Tell us everything about everything literally ever! Is someone crying? Write it. Someone takes a deep breath before they talk? Tell us! Someone is cold and shivers slightly? Inform the crowd. Is Kakashi sad? We wanna know everything!

-Add details between and during dialogue! Stutters, pauses, and other things are important. Make your characters human. Is what they're saying something a real person would say in a conversation? If not, rephrase! Don't make it too stiff! Imagine they're alive, and imagine they say... stuff... alive people say?

(You get it)

Anyway! That's that! Hopefully I didn't leave too many typos in this, because that's basically a one way ticket to hypocrite city. But you know, whatever. Good luck and happy writing! Pixie, your book's awesome! I hope my tips help you add a spin!