Back at it again with those white vans

Okay, so coolio_connor has requested a Hidan review for their Naruto fanfiction, Flower Petals, so here I am to fucking deliver. Finally. God damn, I really need to do more of these-

The beginning is rockier than a fucking boat on the sea. I'm not sure what the hell is going on. It sort of jumps around, from Sakura and shit, to other things. It's not bad shit, so I don't think you necessarily need to rewrite it or anything. I'd just split up your damn paragraphs some, you know what I'm saying? Don't just chop this shit; dice it. There are places that there should maybe be breaks, and there just aren't man.

Example: 

A girl of cherry-blossom pink hair and bright green eyes. She was a kind girl-- a bit obsessive, and definitely the jealous type--but she was also intelligent and determined. She had a complexity to her, like she had multiple layers or sides to her that were locked in and beneath pounds of what it takes to be liked. Sakura Haruno.

((SNAP THE SHIT IN TWO))

A bit of a bitch, quite annoying, very competitive, and yet I found myself fascinated by her. It was no secret to me that she was a very complex being. I wanted to figure her out, so I created a plan on just how to do that. Not the best plan, I will admit, but it is the simplest one I can think of. Who knows if it'll actually work.

((I added some other damn like,,, sentences so the paragraph wasn't the size of a fucking micropenis. The ones I added are in italics so fuck that shit ig))

I underlined "Or sides" because it sort of seems like something you'd do well to take out, I guess? Shit seems out of place out this bitch. The ugly friend hoes bring to parties so they look prettier, or some shit. Who knows.

Another thing I noticed was dialogue.

If someone new starts talking, you need to give the bitch their own, fresh, new paragraph. 

Example:

I tipped my head down at my snake in a half nod and held my arms out. Sakura's eyes lit up like stars, and she looked at me in disbelief. "Really? Can I hold it?" I raised an eyebrow in a questioning manner. I always thought she was afraid of Medusa, but I guess she was just too shy to ask to hold her.

"Of course, here." I grabbed one of her hands and set Medusa in it. She shivered and started smiling, giggling nervously.

"Whoa! It feels so weird!" I grinned and nodded.

Yeah like that or something.

Anyway, otherwise this shit is going great. Excusing the jumbled-ass paragraphs and shit, you've got a nice flow going. Smoother than a college keg. Keep that shit coming. You've got Sakura's bitch ass genin self down to a pat, and your OC isn't a Mary Sue from what I can tell, so kudos to you.

Sakura hating Sasuke is the best part of this fucking story. Her being a closet lesbian? Accurate. Wield that shit and spray it in the readers' faces. Shit's a bit rushed. I'd really rub it on more thin. Don't over butter your damn toast, sergeant. Draw it out. Not too much, but we want a stringy line, not an entire ass rope, you read me?

Good OC, good story idea. This is some good fucking shit. I'd say just pull some damn,,, judo shit on your paragraphs. Snap that fucking Kit-Kat. Crunch. Split some shit in two, and you'll be gucci. 101%, guaranteed. 

Overall, amazing fucking work. I couldn't have written that shit any better myself. Keep going with it, because it's a good damn idea, and I think it's really going somewhere. I love Lavender, the smug little shit, and Medusa, the other smug little shit. Got some real Hatsume vibes from this jazz fuck. Keep it real, broslice.