CHAPTER ONE,

PART Ⅵ

translucent eyes

"Your sister?" I find myself asking, prying for more details. Jiwon doesn't flinch. She already knows what I'm thinking, and her sobs start to escalate again. I start to panic.
"No, I mean, when did you last have it on?"

"I can't remember, I think I had it while at your apartment," she stammers.

I stare at the crown of her head, wondering where it could have been. If she's had it while at my apartment, there's no way it survived in the bloody mess we left that place in. Unless...

"Jiwon, what did you carry your belongings in?" I interrogate quickly.

"There," she points at the disheveled backpack that's being stomped by my feet. I quickly apologize as I step back, and answering my next question, she says, "I hid it from your eyes in case you'd try anything. It was invisible before we got to the shelter."

A heavy sigh escapes my chest, and I'm quickly being reminded of how annoying it is for her to be in my head like this. Though, her somber mood made it more bearable for some reason. She's more delicate like this, more hesitant. It's bizarre for someone as playful and chirpy as Jiwon to be so...reserved.

I pick up the sleek, black backpack by the straps and start fishing through the sidepockets. I don't feel anything, so I start a deeper search inside of the bag. Zipping it open, there are some common items you'd find a runaway (that's hiding from the government) having. A knife, an extra pack of bandages, a flashlight, extra clothes and a bottle of water. The bottle of water is empty though, and there are pieces of plastic wrapping often used for cheap snacks piled up below it.

The entire bag is packed so tightly that I have to pull on each separate item to get everything out. And still, as I feel the bag become lighter, I see no sign of any piece of jewelry. I pick up these weird, flat squares that are covered in purple and white plastic covering from the bottom of the bag. The female symbol is printed all over it, and there's something tightly wrapped inside. The interior feels soft, so of course, I attempt to open it. It makes a sharp ripping sound, and I realize it flips open—

"What are you doing?" Jiwon shouts, snatching the squares from my hands. Her jaw drops as she makes eye contact with the half-ripped one, absolutely flustered after finding out what I've done. Her hands are shaking, and her eyes are glossed over, moist and red from the intensity of her crying.

"You goddamn pervert!"

"What did I do?" I question, blinking in confusion, hands thrown up in surprise. "I'm just trying to help!"

"Opening up a girl's period pads is not called helping!" She explodes, punching me in the arm. Not knowing how to react to this situation, my face flares up from the embarrassment. I never knew that's what it looks like.
After a few slaps, she finally catches my expression.
"Wait. Sunoo, do you even know what pads are?"

"No, no, I know what they are," I quickly and loudly defend myself, before descending to nothing but a whisper, "I just....I had never known that's what it looks like..."

She's gazing at me in disbelief, with her eyes frantically blinking. She points at me.
"You can't be serious. There's no way.."

I turn away, expecting to be ridiculed. However, little did I know that she's smiling. No, she's laughing. Laughing so loudly that I can hear it perfectly. I can feel the thud through the floor as she falls down laughing.

"Huh?" I turn around, bewildered, not finding what's so funny.

"You're like a child, seriously," she struggles to speak, holding her stomach while she cackles. "It's like you don't know anything past puberty—"

"I don't." I retort sharply, cutting through her amusement.

The switch of the mood in the room makes her frown. She purses her lips together before getting off the floor, and I silently hope she doesn't make another joke at my expense. I hate what she said, even though it was true. It's not like I wanted to be like this, and it was out of line.

She clears her throat, placing the pads on top of her maplewood dresser. "Anyway, did you see it in the bag?"

I shake my head. "It has to be around here somewhere."

"It's no use," she sniffs, wiping her face and dusting off her hands. "I've searched the entire room, even under my bed and the sheets. It's not here."

We both give up searching for it. I lean against her dresser while she warns me to be careful. Her dresser isn't very stable so I find myself testing the durability by rocking on it before settling down. I notice that she's a little more stable now, so I decide it's a good time to speak about it some more.
"Why do you think your life has no purpose without it? How come it's so important to you?"

Her eyes don't trail from my gaze, and the raw emotion in her irises threaten mine. They're glassy, reflecting the environment in her view. Her lips twitch before returning to a flat line, though it isn't flat. The shape of the line between her lips is like tracing the outline of two hills.

"My sister was closer to me than my parents," she reminisces. "If I needed anything at all, I'd go to her first because I wasn't confident in talking. She would always tell me to go anyway and stop bothering her, but she'd still go do it for me. That's what she was like."

"Tsundere?"

She giggles at the comment. "Tsundere is an understatement. She'd always be there for me, but the nagging and complaints I would get were unmatched."

I just stood there and listened to her as she continued talking fondly about her closest relative, not daring to interrupt her. Something about her smile is endearing, and it feels like I'm watching someone in her natural habitat. Not in the shelter, not even in her room. Just her being herself. Even though my arm is going numb from leaning on the dresser for this long, and it's probably been about five minutes, I actively listen to her talk about her journeys with her sister.

I wish I could be like Jiwon. I wish I could be beaming and smiling as much as she does, but I'm finding it hard to believe that this isn't my hell and that she wasn't dragged into it. Why did she follow me back to my apartment? Why did she stay there? Why did she bring me back to the shelter? I don't understand it at all, but it brings me some comfort knowing that she probably doesn't understand why either.

There's a small crackling noise in the air, and I briefly scan my surroundings in case of danger.
"Did you hear that?"

"Are you alright?" Jiwon checks in with me as she returns back to reality.

"I just heard something crackle," I announce while on high alert. "What the hell was that?"

"Oh, that? Jihyun's room is above mine."

"Is that supposed to calm me down?" I respond, wide-eyed.

"Chill out, Sunoo. You're always on edge, and you always keep that sad frown on your face." She complains, poking the same spot she punched earlier. "It's safe here. You have nothing to worry about."

"Ya, I'm being serious. Something's not—"

There's a low rumbling noise coming from Jiwon, or rather, from her stomach. We both lock eyes, then glance downwards at the source of the noise. She chuckles, embarrassed. I squeeze my nose bridge, completely done with her.

"Let's go to the cafeteria before it gets dark. I, uh, haven't eaten yet for today."

"I can hear that. I'll follow you, you know the way better than I do." I say, encouraging her to start moving.
Maybe it's just me and my anxiety, but there's a heavy weight in my stomach, burning with unease. I glance back up to the source of the noise, just to reassure myself, then saunter behind Jiwon. 

I take a glance past the white-rimmed windows, slowing down as I face the late afternoon sun. We're on the second floor, so it's pretty easy to look down and view the lining of the basketball court. Some of the paint is scratched off, but the overall shape of the court remains, covering most of the ground and sandwiched in-between two extensions of the shelter. It's been there so long that I can hear the distant creaking of the hoop whenever someone launches a free throw, and watch as it drops under the weight of the ball.
I can see people there if I squint, but the glare of the sun makes it more difficult for me.

Jiwon peeks over her shoulder at me, her hands interlocked behind her back. I notice the action, but don't say anything. She's keeping an eye on me. She's making sure that I don't get lost, even though I'm following her every step. She says nothing either, because she's aware. Aware of what I'm thinking—of how I move—but knows that her very own thoughts can be deceiving. That's why she's staring at me so intensely, making sure that I don't do anything silly.

Jiwon's so readable, and yet, she's still such a mystery. There are so many layers of glass between us that no matter how many times one of us strikes it down, nothing changes. She reflects back in that glass, but I can only see the colors of her skin, the detailing in her clothing, the shape of her body against that very glass. I can't see her. I can't understand her.

It's a silent walk to the cafeteria, which turns out to be just on the opposite side of the dorm room that she stays in. I chuckle to myself, not finding it farfetched to assume that she chose that room so she could have the closest access to food.

"I'm gonna go sit down and eat."
She only stares at the front counter as she says this, like I don't even exist anymore. Her eyes fixate on the multiple platings of Sotteok in the display glass, along with the chicken wings that were steaming beside it. I nod at her sentence, but she doesn't even pay attention. She starts running to grab a tray, before clumsily readjusting herself; she finally notices the servers. They're both staring at her while leaning on the equipment, like she's their first source of entertainment in days. I snort.

She initiates conversation with them, rubbing the back of her neck in embarrassment. I assume that she knows them as well because she's very easy going while she talks, all the while making small jokes as she picks out her first meal of the day. I divert myself from their conversation, glancing about to see where I should sit down.

It's almost dinner time, so it's surprising there isn't anyone around yet. The chairs are reminiscent of those....barstools? Is that what they're called? Yeah, they look like that. There's nothing to lean your back on, so you have to balance yourself on the stool itself. It's also attached to the table via a metal attachment, so I'm hoping it doesn't get in the way of my legs.

I sit to the far left of the seating area, that way I can look outside when I need to. I glance over at her as she politely bows to the servers, then I proceed to fish out a sticky note from my pocket. I don't have a pen, but I don't really need one. I start fiddling with the edges of the square, folding it inwards.

"What are you up to?" She questions, dropping the metal tray of food between us with a sharp clang.

This breaks my concentration instantly and I glare at Jiwon, who is currently sitting on the opposite side of the table. I respond calmly, returning to the piece of paper.
"Nothing that you should be bothered by."

"Ya—no playing with paper on the table," she scolds, raising her spoon and hovering it over my hands, "haven't your parents taught you manners?"

"If you spill any of that Jjajangmyeon sauce on this, I'll kill you." I retort, with an edge of playfulness.
"Focus on your food before it gets cold."

She lets out a small 'hmph', returning to her meal. I can hear the leaves rustling outside through the glass, which would be pretty relaxing on its own, but the sound of that combined with Jiwon's spoon clanging on her tray? Annoying. I endure the pain that my ears are going through anyway, allowing her to eat in peace.

A few more folds had been done and right beside me, I now have an origami swan out of sticky note paper. The edges near the beak are sticking together because of the adhesive, but it doesn't bother me that much. Jiwon raises her head from her half-eaten food (finally, I thought she buried her nose in that tray), and glances at the paper.

"I wonder if it can fly," she jokes, covering her mouth with her hand while she still chews her food.

"Don't be ridiculous." I scoff, rolling my eyes while she giggles at her silly jest. "I only did it because I'm bored out of my mind."

"You look bored most of the time, to be honest. Like you have nothing to look forward to."

I stare at her blankly with arms interlocked under my chest. She breaks eye contact and returns to her food. Did she read my mind again? No, everything felt blank, and usually I feel uncomfortable whenever she uses her Alarm on me.
I take a deep breath, wondering since when it was such a big deal to me. It's not even a matter of privacy. I don't care for that anymore, simply because I won't be granted that luxury. But it feels invasive. I don't want her seeing things in my head, it doesn't feel right.

Somehow, I can always tell, from that look in her eyes, or that tone in her voice. When her voice switches from bubbly, to a matter-of-fact voice that I can't stand. Why does it annoy me? Why does she get on my nerves? Why do I care so much about something so trivial?

"Hey, Jiwon."
I decide at the last second to switch the topic, before I fall down a rabbit hole I can't escape from. Besides, I'm curious about something.
"Do you know who Jaeyun is? I'm supposed to be doing a task with him next week."

She freezes. Completely tenses up as soon as I mention the name. Her eyes are filled with the vigilance of fear, and she places her spoon down. She shoves her tray completely aside, as if she lost her appetite in an instant. She fiddles with her trembling fingers before interlocking them together, and she has yet to look me in the face. Her eyes have been stuck to the table.

"Jiwon?"

She clears her throat, forcing a smile on her face. She's trying to hide her pain by faking politeness, but her eyes are about to burst into tears at any second. A noise leaves her mouth, questioning out of hesitance.

"Who is he?" I pressed.

She licks her dry lips, rubbing the side of her arm.
"My ex."