There was a type of idealized view when it came to father-daughter relationships that the world sort of expected. Roman wasn't sure if she would ever subscribe to that sort of belief but she knew for a fact that they were meant to be present, to at least try and be involved in their children's lives.

She wanted to believe that maybe he was away on some secret mission or maybe he was undercover all these  years that he couldn't reach to her in the slightest but she knew for a fact that it wasn't true -- he spoke to Marnie relatively often and when the plane began to descend in  Anchorage she knew that he wasn't doing anything special that prevented him.

Her eagerness was already starting to wain and Roman knew that this wasn't going to be a pleasant experience.

Marnie couldn't sit still though as she shifted continuously in her seat, unconsciously checking her watch over and over again. It eased her thoughts enough to know that they hadn't gone so far as to see each other without her knowing.

She led the way in a huff, grabbing their suitcases as she dragged her mom along by the hand despite her protests. She wanted to rush through this entire thing. It had to be now or she would implode with this bubbling need to get her answers.

Eyes trained to the faces that she passed in the crowd, searching, Roman missed it when Marnie stopped behind her, a small gasp alerting her to the change, and she spins, finding her mom frozen as she beamed openly at the man in a military uniform.

Her insides froze, ice burning her lungs. She shivered violently, a hand coming up to cover her mouth.

Julius Elders was a handsome man. Each photo of him that she's ever seen was enough to cement that thought into her mind. When she imagined what he might look like now she thought salt and pepper hair, refined with wisdom and age.

It was never this stunning being, pale as snow, perfect skin and dark, dark hair. He had no stubble, no faint freckles from hours in the sun, freckles that she knew he had with the utmost certainty.

Even with it all, it was the eyes that gave him away. She had seen those before, pressed to the forest floor with the weight of uncertainty weighed upon her shoulders. A man spoke of killing her and wolves stepped from the trees.

Hair of fire as she was held up by her hair, dangling in the air as Harry died below her.

The ruby red of his eyes made her want to be sick. She was going to be sick.

And Marnie approached him carelessly, knowingly -- embracing him lovingly, holding him like she might never have the chance again.

Her breathing came quick, fire eating away the ice as her muscles warmed and coiled, brimming with life.

"What the fuck?" Roman hissed, biting the words between clenched teeth. "What the fuck?!"

"Roman!" Marnie snaps.

"No! No, what is going on? What is this?"

"Roman..." Julius tries and the soft care in his tone makes her skin crawl.

She hisses at him, snapping her teeth in his direction. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare speak to me. You have no right!"

"Enough, Roman! We'll speak of this later, in private," Marnie orders and she has half a mind to just turn and go back home. She was still at the airport, after all. She could do it.

And despite the situation, despite everything, Roman still wanted her answers and explanations and hows.  She still wanted to know the stranger that was her dad and why he thought it was alright to abandon her for ten years.

She needed to know for her peace of mind and maybe some of the craziness in her head would straighten itself out.

The car ride was silent in a way that shattered her eardrums. It screamed at her, shook her to her core as she tried to process it all.

There was no one that she could speak to this about. No one that she would trust to send a text to.

She only wanted to tell Bella because she was the only one that could even barely understand what was happening right now. Sam and Emily would just worry, Leah would have no clue what she was talking about, and the only other vampires she knew she didn't feel like she actually knew. How would she even get the message to them? By bothering Bella with the information to pass on?

Why was it that life continued to place her in these situations that just made her feel so pathetic and weak all the time? Was she some terrible person in her past life that this was the karma she was getting?

Or maybe her optimism had just worn out and she was facing the world with that glass-half-empty attitude that she had always despised.

As terrible as it was, she couldn't find the energy to make herself look to the bright side. Her father was a vampire. He was a vampire that apparently only cared for Marnie because he just decided to drop off the face of the earth otherwise.

Somehow this was different from all the other grande surprises she's received recently. That was at least people she knew. She could handle that. But she didn't know anything about him and if the eyes were anything to go by then she wasn't sure if she could be comfortable. He ate people. He ate people.

God, and of course he brought us to a little cabin in the middle of nowhere. A building that looked like it was only warmed by the fireplace and she worried if she was actually going to freeze to death before she had to face him. She hoped it was a possibility. It would be the best way to avoid all of her problems.

The place smelt clinically clean, like antiseptic and bleach that made her curl her nose in distaste. It burnt her nasal passage and stung her eyes. She didn't want to consider why he had to clean so deeply, so obsessively.

Was this what Alice had seen? The thing that she had warned her about? She wasn't sure what to make of that.

"I don't actually stay here very often. Most of my time is spent near the base," he's saying as she continues through the cabin. There was only one bedroom with a few of his things scattered around. There was a bed at least, for Marnie to sleep in.

Roman would be staying on the couch, then. That's cool. Perfectly fine. Except he didn't sleep and could hear her every move no matter where she was in the cabin.

Was this what it was like around vampires? The constant fear and worry that something was going to happen? Roman had always been prone to clumsiness when she had a lot on her mind when her feelings got away from her.  Would it be a Bella situation without anyone there to save her? Because that about summed up the luck she was having lately.

It was strange how she had never felt that way when she was near the Cullen's — before and after she knew. It was an instant trust that she couldn't replicate with her own father.

"Do you have any gifts?" She blurts, thoughts cutting off at the possibility.

"Gifts? Your mother only told me you were coming last night. I didn't have time to go—"

"No, not presents," she cuts off. "I mean talents. Special powers. Do you have any?"

Changing a look back at them, they both seem equally as confused as she hoped for them to be. That's good, at least, he obviously didn't have any.

"What do you mean?" Marnie asks.

"Never mind."

"This isn't like on television," Julius starts. She purposely turns her head so he can see the way she rolls her eyes.

"Spare me the lecture. I don't need you to explain vampires. What I need is for you to tell me why you thought it was okay to just abandon me like I was nothing," she snaps, tossing the words out with a growl. "You stayed in contact with mom. Why not me?"

"Exposing myself to you would have—"

"Don't. Don't you say it was for my safety. I can't be endangered by a phone call or a letter."

He doesn't flinch, she doesn't expect him to. Marnie has once boasted about how disciplined he was.

"Roman," her mom hissed, but she ignores her, attention fully on her father and the way his creepy eyes have yet to leave her face.

"I wasn't around much when you were younger. I was away on tour most of the time. The few times I was able to see you, you hardly recognized me. I was a stranger to you, but then you got older and more curious and suddenly you were a stranger to me as well," Julius admits softly, as if the words were stolen from the air itself. "I was overseas when the changed happened. It was only thanks to your mother that I had the courage to speak with her again. She was determined, but at that point, I was no longer a father. I didn't know how to responsibly be in your life."

"And when you were stationed here? In Alaska?"

There's no immediate response, no quick need to reassure her, and she imagines that was enough of a giveaway.

Roman still wanted to hear him say it. To have him admit to her something she hadn't wanted to believe as she pointlessly hoped that there was some other reason go ten years.

"I didn't want to speak to you."

She breathes steadily. Once. Twice. Then she nods, accepting the truth with a swipe of her tongue over dry lips.

As painful that it should be, as heartbroken she should feel, it was like speaking to a stranger because that was exactly was she was doing. Roman didn't see her father when she looked at him, it was a face she didn't know, and the grief that she had wanted to feel at his words was already spent mourning a man that had been there for her when he wasn't.

It was a terrible mistake coming here, but at least now she was disillusioned to the man that she wanted him to be.

"Okay," she says as calmly as she can. "Okay."

She's halfway out the door when they start to protest but she doesn't go far, moving only a few feet away from the house toward the nearest tree. Falling to the floor, she scoots on her back so that she was looking up at the pine needles. The green was thick, consuming, and Roman let herself get lost in it.

The old conifer swallowed her, encompassing her whole. She blamed the silent tears on the needles that stuck at her cheeks.

He didn't deserve her sadness. He didn't get the right to make her feel less than she was, but she was allowed to cry. She was going to let herself cry.

Because a good cry was necessary sometimes and now that he was no longer a blip in her thoughts, she was going to let herself go over on the more important things — like what she was going to do when she got home.

The plan was simple: go with the flow. Roman had never planned for anything in her life so maybe she really shouldn't start now. She worked best when she created millions of possibilities in her head, all of which were purposely terrible so that the actual situation turned out great.

Okay, so maybe she was only just the lazy, dramatic type, but she didn't care enough to change that now.

Sighing heavily, she touched the needles with the tips of her fingers. The pricks at her skin worked wonders to clear her mind.

God, why did Roman feel so self-destructive all of a sudden?

"Roman?"

Tensing, she curls a hand around the needles, the pins pricking her through the fingerless gloves. "Yes?"

"I feel as if we should talk. Your mother tells me you've been having a hard time recently."

"A lot of stuff has been going on. It's nothing you can help me with."

"Perhaps someone that is not involved would have a better insight into the situation. There is always another way out if you take the time to think of it," Julius advised.

Breathing heavily through her nose, she scoots further under the tree. "It's not a big deal. I'm trying to work a few things out."

"Relationship things."

Growling, she silently curses her mother. "Yeah, relationship things. There's a girl and a guy and I love them both, but then the guy went away and the girl fell in love with me. Everything was fine and then everything was great because he's back now but I don't know what that means for me. Happy? That is the most interesting thing that's going on in my life since now is a good time to talk, apparently."

"You have feelings for two people. A boy and a girl."

"Yes."

"Then the answer is simple. Neither of them. Pick a nice, respectable man for the time being."

Sputtering, she scrambles from the ground, ignoring the scratches at her cheek. "Excuse me?"

His expression was stony, mouth set into a set line. "What you're thinking of isn't appropriate. It's disturbing and wrong. You shouldn't be involved with either if this is how they make you act."

"You can't tell me who I'm allowed to be with! I know my heart better than you ever could," Roman snarls, wishing she was brave enough to hit him. "They are the best people in this entire world. I would face crazy vampires or imminent death just to protect their happiness. You have no right to say anything about me or them, ever."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, daughter, but your time with them will be short-lived. Now that you are to be an adult it's time that we have the family that your mother and I have been dreaming of," he bulldozers on, igniting her fervent protest and squawks.

"I want nothing to do with you!"

"Even if it means immortality?"

Mouth dry, she can only gape at him stupidly.

"I have the control and discipline needed to change you myself now. We can have our second chance. We could be together forever if you agree," Julius offers and it's so tempting to just accept.

Bella would want to be with Edward forever. He would change her eventually, she would wear him down, but if she did this she would be ready, they wouldn't need to worry about her.

She could capture Victoria herself, protect them as she wasn't able to as her complete and utter human self.

Alice's warning flashed through to the front of her mind, shining bright with the yellow of her eyes that was the complete opposite to his frightening red — a testament to the way he loved — and a shiver runs down her spine. The question was: what did he eat? Who did he eat?

How could she live a life of hurting others just to survive?

Realization crashes into her. "Is that the only reason you wanted me to come? So you can play vampire house?"

"You're old enough to understand now," Julius says firmly.

Disgust builds in her, oozing from her pores, as hurt grabs her by the hand holding her up straight and confident. "No."

"No?"

"I said no. I don't want to have this warped version of family with you. I don't want to be anywhere near you," Roman states, head held high. "If this is what mom wants then fine, I won't hold her back, but not me. Not with you."

And then she storms passed him, boots stomping into the crisp snow.

Her bravery was waining and she had to get away from him as fast as she can, as far as she can. She needed to keep it together until she got away, until she was somewhere he couldn't get her ever again. 

It was determination that carried her back into the house where she grabbed her suitcase from beside the couch, pulling it out and grabbing his keys went. 

Marnie didn't say a word. She didn't need to. Things could be like before if that was preferable for the woman. She must have expected this to go south regardless of her hopes because there was only resolute acceptance in her tired gaze. That was fine. Roman had gone years without her mother planning an active role, it wouldn't make much of a difference to her if she decided to up and move to middle of nowhere Alaska. 

Roman had all she needed in Forks. Everything that had ever been important to her was there. 

If that was where they were then that was where she belonged. 

Julius Elders was a joke she didn't find funny. 

The drive back to the airport was antsy as she continued to fidget nervously in her seat. Nothing was ever going to be as fast as Italy anymore. 

Her only solace was the security of the plane to break down. She could cry then. She could cry in the cab. She could cry anywhere by here, but now. Not now. 

The high beams showed the first flurries of snow in the early morning and she reluctantly slowed. She had time to drive slowly. There would be other flights. Keeping a clear head until she could safely cry was key. 

Roman was riding back in the direction of Forks nearly fourteen hours later, ragged and exhausted, and a headache that hammered against her skull. She just wanted to curl into a bowl and stay there for hours. Admittedly, it was a rough seventeen hours that she wasn't sure were ever going to end. 

It was like moving in a daze, tears burning behind her eyes, waiting to be shed, and she just kept pushing and pushing. 

And as she sat silently outside her house, staring up at the dark building, she couldn't find herself welcome in the cold halls. She needed to be anywhere else. It didn't take long for her to shove her suitcase through the front door and lock it with a slam. 

She had nowhere to go as she pulled her bike from the side of the building, kicking off into a reckless peddle that nearly had her skidding against the concrete. Her heart urged her to seek out Bella, to follow the invisible trail she knew would lead to both her and Edward, but that path seemed sacred to her, like it was meant to remain untouched and out of her reach -- unsullied by her reckless sadness.

The girl just let herself be lead blindly as she rode like a mad person, the sobs coming from never-ceasing as she rode further and further from town.

Skin burning and pink from the wind against her bare arms and cheeks, Roman was glad that she had kept her shoes on inside the home, she wasn't sure it was the cold or the crying that caused her to shiver and wobble on her seat, but she never stopped, not until she passed that thin, invincible line that she never failed to conjure each time she took that ride in the direction of La Push to look briefly over her shoulder -- unsurprised to find the road behind her completely clear, because no one had come to chase her before.

The trail that leads her to where her heart tugged at her changed locations, moving along as though on a map that came from straight behind, but the one that she followed forward stayed as her focus as she never stopped herself.

Tires skid against the dirt outside the rustic, faded red paint home, her bike dropping to the ground under her.

She by-passed the house, going straight to the garage where music played softly and light laughter carried to her through the whipping winds.

Jacob was bent over his Rabbit, the clinking of metal catching against her as the scene looked so natural that Roman wanted to turn around and leave them undisturbed, but then Embry was turning, standing to his feet as his teasing laughter died out. Quil was suddenly there, tapping Jacob and dropping the pizza he was eating to the paper plate at his side.

She rubbed at her face, a miserable sob squeaking passed her lips as she shuffled forward, shoulders shaking and sniffling.

"I'm sorry," Roman croaked, hugging herself in an effort to keep herself together. "I didn't have anywhere else to go. I'm sorry."

There was a drop of metal on the ground and a shuffling of rapid steps as she was approached. Bare chest, strong and sturdy and warm, and arms that linked around her snug, arms that weren't right, too muscly, a temperature too warm, not short enough. Her knees grew weak under her and Roman collapsed forward against him regardless, crying what seemed like endlessly to her in a way that she had never actually cried before.

She drew hiccuped breaths, clinging to him painfully in an attempt to calm herself down enough to make sense of what was being said. Roman knew she was distraught, but she had a right to be.

Unsure of how long she had been held by Jacob, because it had to have been Jacob, she had no idea when her cries finally subsided and a new smaller, skinnier but just as warm arm came around her shoulder and drew her away gently.

The girl looked over, a flash of kid Seth bright in her mind as she realized he wasn't so much a kid anymore and was nearly, if not already, taller than her and more boy than kid with those dimpled cheeks and boyish grin.

And then she noticed that his hold was suddenly tighter, more possessive and less boy coming to comfort a friend or a sister -- it was Seth looking down at her with this barely restrained wonder and heart-wrenching joy as he appeared more than a little pleased with himself.

There was a curse, a faint groan, and Seth was wiping tears from her face with a feathery touch and rubbing warmth back into her arms -- fretting around her like she was this precious little thing that he had only just discovered. 

It was too much, all of it was too much, all of it too much. There were so many things screaming in her mind that couldn't be chased away no matter how hard she squeezed at her head. Roman just wanted it all to stop. It had to stop!

She's crumbling in Seth's arms world spinning into black before she can make out what was happening. 

Roman welcomed the rest. 

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unedited 

2019-11-06