Maybe it was that she was lucky or the world was truly on her side, but the skies were clear and the weather warm, and Roman felt as though she had the best sleep of her life. So well rested, in fact, that she woke before her alarm rang out in the morning, turning over in her bed to the sound of birds chirping outside the glass sliding door. 

Heavy black curtains parted slightly for her to see out, revealing the dead plants nearly buried under snow and fairy light covered railings. She pulled back the curtains, inviting the murky light into the room as she busied herself with getting dressed in tights and a bulky sweater before sliding the door open, letting the crisp air filter through her tiny room as she collapsed back onto her bed. 

She brought out a lit book, something that she was supposed to have finished already for English, and stayed spread out until it wasn't too early to actually be up and around doing things. 

Roman read slow, having trouble focusing on the overly ridiculous flowery passages written by some guy years ago trying to prove a point. She hated how every English teacher she had always tried to prove a point through the books they chose, using only the ones that they knew enough to make them appear remarkably smart. 

Carding her fingers through her tangled hair, she dropped the book on the floor by her bed with a sigh and dug around under her covers until she pulled out her laptop pressed against the wall. She really needed to stop falling asleep with it in her bed. 

It took a second to boot and Roman looked to the way her curtains flapped around in the breeze, drawing in a cool flush that had her sticking her toes under the covers. 

The screen opened to her Myspace feed and the basic small town dramatics you would expect from a place like Forks. Roman skimmed through it all, avoiding all the Saturday night ramblings, quickly growing frustrated with the entire thing and just searched up Bella's. 

She bit back a smile as she looked over the dead, inactive profile. There were still pictures up, all from before when Bella came to Forks. There were all sunny rays and striped t-shirts of the days she spent in Phoenix with her mother. She could remember when there were new posts on there, the ones that were snaps and candids of her and Edward. There was the occasional text post but they were always short, remembrance type of things that Roman was certain that Jessica had pressured her into posting. 

Roman loved them all just the same. How could she not when she knew she was desperately head over heels for Bella? 

Her door opened with a snap, banging against the wall, and she scrambled to shut her screen. Warmth spread over her cheeks, burning her ears, and Roman felt her stomach drop at the sight of her mother standing in the doorway. 

"Mom?"

"Why the hell is that door open again? Are you trying to freeze us out?" She stomps into the room, purposefully slamming the sliding door and flicking the lock, sauntering out with the same sort of energy. Her mother grumbled under her breath, returning to her room with the door closed firmly behind her 

Roman stayed frozen for a moment, trying to make sense of what had just happened or what had put her mother in such a terrible mood. She frowned at the odd behaviour as she shut down her laptop and climbed out of bed once more, deciding to take refuge in the kitchen. 

Busying herself with making some apple cinnamon oatmeal, the kind that came from the box, Roman wondered what it was that Bella would have planned for today. 

She wasn't sure what to expect after yesterday with the motorbikes, but she was sure that she would enjoy it all the same. Even with all the time that they spent with Jacob and his friends, Roman wouldn't mind as long as they were together. 

Sighing, she spread grape jelly over her nearly charred toast, glimpsing the red digital clock on the microwave that told her it was already nearly ten and that she had somehow been up for two and a half hours and had literally done absolutely nothing that entire time. 

Once she was finished with her breakfast, Roman downed a glass of almond milk before making her way to the phone. 

Breathing deeply, she readied herself mentally before punching in the number. She tried not to feel silly with how she already knew the sequence by heart. 

The trill of the ringing loud in her ear didn't help to soothe her raging anxiety. No matter how much time she spent with Bella, she wasn't sure if she would ever be able to squash the butterflies that fluttered among her ribs and stretched her heart to impossible sizes. 

"Hello?"

"Chief Swan! How are you today?" 

"I'm good, thank you," he responds gruffly. "Bella's on her way to pick you up. She wanted to make it a surprise." 

"Oh, well, oh, okay," she stammered out, mind sending her harsh images of what she looked like at the moment. "I'll pretend to be surprised when she gets here. Thanks, Chief Swan." 

He clears his throat. "Have fun on your day out. Bye." 

"Bye." She hung up quickly, dropping the phone back into the cradle, hurriedly running her fingers through her hair to remove some of the tangles as she rushed to the bathroom. 

She fumbled through the mess, looking for a hairbrush and elastic so that she could yank the mess into a tight ponytail. There wasn't much time, not with the relatively short distance between there homes, and Roman could feel the violent race of her heart against her ribcage, a sort of panic that filled her chest. 

Washing up and straightening out her appearance as best she could without looking like she was overdoing it was hard with the doubts that kept crossing her mind, screaming at her that she was trying too much or not trying enough. It was just. . . she had waited so long for this to happen, for a friendship to form, that she didn't want to ruin it by being overzealous. 

Being her friend would be enough. Anything that Bella needed her to be would be enough. 

She was tying her shoes when the doorbell rang and she dove to let her in, pressing the annoying buzzer longer than what was probably necessary -- hovering by the door with shaky fingers as she wasn't sure what to do with herself. 

The steps creaked under a soft weight and she jumped for the door. She could feel her expression change to one of tender love against her will, shinning through at Bella with such obviousness. The other girl remained oblivious to her feelings -- she wasn't sure if she should be thankful or not. 

"You were expecting me," she observes with a small pout.

"No, no, I've just been up for hours."

"Did Charlie tell you I was coming?" 

Roman laughs. "I may have called your house." 

"Oh. I wanted to surprise you."

"I was," she insists, letting herself place a gentle touch to Bella's elbow. 

The touch was barely there, brushing over the fabric of the girl's jacket before she spins away to hide a fierce blush. She grabs her jacket from where it's draped over one of the beat-up kitchen chairs. The puffy ranger jacket pulled snug against her torso. 

"Alright, I'm ready." 

"Great. We still have to pick up Jacob and I don't know how long he's gonna take."

"We're doing the motorbike thing again with him?" Roman tries not to sound too disappointed at the news.

Bella's keys jingle her in grip. "Is that alright?" 

"Of course! He's a cool kid." 

She not sure if she's making it sound like it is, or if she just sounds petty, bitter, but she can't help herself. It's not that she doesn't like him, that's not it at all. It's just the way that he looks at Bella, as though she's the only girl in the world, the one person that helps his heart beat -- knowing that she must look at her the exact same way. 

"You think so?" 

"Definitely. Now come on. You wouldn't want to waste valuable mechanic time." 

Bella smiles but it's vacant, disconnected, as she follows out the door. Roman doesn't want to let it bother her, but there's this gleam in her eyes, this distant look that makes her stomach twist uncomfortably. 

Maybe hanging out with Jacob was a truly terrible idea. 

Maybe she should have known better than to expect a teenage boy to be anything less than persistent when they're crushing hard because she was having trouble getting a word in edgewise with the way that he babbled incessantly like a yammering dog consuming all of Bella's attention while doing his best to keep her from joining the conversation.

Really, it was a pretty bold move to have called his friends over as now Roman was stuck dealing with Quil's terrible attempts at flirting and Embry's studious motions of almost rehearsed type dialogue as every time she tried to speak to Bella he was right there ready to open up a different discussion from the last leading on annoyingly.

She had to give him an A for effort -- A+ for the way he made Bella smile the entirety of the visit, even if it wasn't the type of all-consuming grin that made her face light up in the most beautiful way imaginable. 

That wasn't to say that she wasn't enjoying herself. The boys were nice, if only a bit awkward, and the Clearwater's, when they had arrived for dinner (which Billy, Harry and Sue insisted she stay for) were a happy sight, seeing as it had been so long since she had seen Leah -- as in really seen her with the chance to have an actual conversation (it was two years ago, Roman would attest, back when she worked for a summer with Roman and her mother; Leah claimed it was around the time that she had first gotten engaged). 

And then there was Seth. The younger boy was growing so quickly, but that didn't change the funny little habit he had of following her around excitably, ready to do anything she wished. Roman would have felt bad for tricking him into distracting Jacob if she hadn't seen the way he quieted in his understanding, a knowing gleam in his eyes that quickly turned to mischief as he ran off, dragging Jacob in this childish way that she knew he had grown out of. 

"Your dad must be happy to have you here for this type of get-together," she remarks, coming to stand by Bella's side. 

She stands straighter, turning to face her. "He looks happy." 

"He was so excited to hear that you were coming last year. He wouldn't stop talking about it, I thought my mom might just snap." 

She giggles and the stress that had been building throughout the day fades away making up for all the emotional, clinging emotions that had bombarded her. It was easy to see in hindsight how ridiculous and unhealthy your emotions could be and Roman was highly embarrassed with the way she had been acting.

As much as she wanted to be with Bella, of how strongly she felt for her, she knew that she had no right to monopolize the girl's time or emotions, no one did. Though she had only done it the once, manipulating the situation to her advantage, she wished someone had been there to see it, someone, who knew her and wasn't afraid to call her out on her BS.

"I didn't mind. You can tell that he loves you a lot," She tells her, glancing down to see her watching her father with a faraway gaze. "You make it pretty easy to love you, Bells." 

There's a gasp and she blinks, realizing that she had said that aloud. Her mind reels, spinning, and she fumbles with her words, unable to look away from the hypnotizing pools of golden brown and honey that were Bella's eyes. 

"Not that I'm in love with you!" she exclaims, louder than she intended. "I mean, I mean it's easy for people, for people to love you be-because you're so likable." 

"Oh." 

She glances away, almost desperate, and she catches sight of Seth with Jacob watching after Bella longingly. Seth turns to her and she grimaces, and like a call, he comes running to her rescue -- nearly colliding with her side as he jabbers on about a jumble of things. 

The heat of Bella's gaze is on her back, burning into her head, and Roman isn't entirely sure if she wants to blush or cry. 

There was not a singular moment that she could remember ever being so utterly stupid. There were so many different things she could have said, could have told her, but she had to drag herself down and step on her own toes because for a love that she couldn't control -- that threatened to rip her apart and splay her out for all to see. 

Seth was a blessing, the younger boy always was. He was the sibling she never had. She had always been so close to the Clearwater's, close to Billy and Charlie in turn with the way her own dad made spotty appearances in her life. Maybe that was why she had always been close to him in particular, like a partner in crime. She had been around since the moment he was born, there for nearly every major life event. 

He gave the perfect opportunity to leave the conversation, making room for Jacob to swoop in again. He didn't ask about her embarrassment as he brought her further into the yard, pulling out an old soccer ball for them to kick around on the muddy front lawn. 

Each step made a squelching sound as her boots sunk in a little, each time the ball came her way she found a new splatter on her pants. Seth's shit-eating grin was absolutely worth it. 

"What does it feel like loving someone that doesn't love you back?" he asks, low enough that only she can hear. 

Roman smiles sadly. "It's like... it's like looking at your own heart, no, it's like looking at everything you need to live outside your body in the palm of their hands and you just hope that they won't crush it or throw it away. That maybe they'll give it back to you."

"Do you think it's like that for Leah? She... she's not the same anymore." 

"Aw kid, I think things are a little different for your sister." She lets the ball roll by, ignoring it to focus solely on him. "Leah thought Sam was her true love. What he did? It wasn't right. She's hurt because he left her. She's angry that he left her for your cousin. She's betrayed and uncertain, and all of it is making her miserable."

He nods, swallowing hard. Roman moves to him, pulling him into a tight hug. "Leah will be okay. She's having a little trouble now, but she'll work through it. She needs to figure herself and the situation out and then she'll grow stronger. You just need to be there for her."

"Of course I'll be there for her," he grumbles.

Laughing, she presses a chaste kiss to the top of his head. "I know because you're the best little brother." 

"Shut up." 

"And Seth?"

He hums. 

"You're allowed to be upset over what Sam did too. He didn't only hurt your sister by leaving her, but he hurt you too. You're allowed to be angry at him."

He squeezes her around the waist, burrowing his face into her jacket, and Roman pretends she doesn't notice the way she shoulders shake or how he heaves ragged breaths. 

"Bella's going to love you back one day. She's going to notice how good you are and won't be able to resist." 

"It's not that simple." 

"It is! It is and then the two of you will be happy for the rest of eternity." 

She glances to Bella listening to Jacob as he explains something with lots of hand gestures and booming laughter. She was so pretty with the way her hair had a slight wave, a barely there curl as she brushed it back with delicate fingers exposing the pink patches on the apples of her cheeks, her full lips pulled in a soft smile. 

If she was ever lucky enough to get a chance with her Roman knew she would never be able to waist it. She would be stuck unable to love anyone ever again. There was no way to recover from Bella Swan and she was certain she would never want to. 

As if she could read her thoughts, Bella turns to face her, waving with a small jerk of her hand.

"I really hope you're right, bud," she whispers to Seth, unable to look away from the literal girl of her dreams. 

Leah might have been wrong about her true love, but Roman wasn't. She couldn't be. She chose this to be her fate, her destiny, and there was no turning back. Anything Bella wanted, anything she needed. As long as she was there it didn't matter. 

Roman waves back. 

***

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Roman is literally a lovestruck idiot for Bella. She's an absolute mess for her.  

unedited 

2019-06-23