There isn't a way that she could explain what it's like to have the pieces of her heart align fully with someone else's like they were swapping parts of themselves. The way Roman viewed it was as if they were interchangeable puzzle pieces that only fit for each other because those bits of themselves only belonged with each other, and if she had a bit of her saved for Edward, if he was willing, then so be it. 

And if she kept a piece of herself for her to love, all the better, and she wasn't sure if she could find a love so open and real and pure as what she felt for Bella for anyone to relate to, but if she had to guess, Emily and Sam were pretty close, and knowing  what she did about the three of them, she wasn't sure if she should be proud of that. 

It wasn't something she could help, though, the way that they love each other, and it was an instinctual part of her that knew that nothing she could say would make them regret it. She was too late for that, to argue on Leah's behalf since neither seemed to remember her just right as part of the equation, at least not in the way that she could tell. 

That was perhaps what was most astonishing, the way people Roman had grown up with could be so different yet entirely the same from how she remembered. Emily and Leah were stupidly close, the best of friends, and if she was the girl that showed up on occasion to sit in on their playdates later turned gossip sessions, they were always welcoming. The cousins were there to welcome Roman when she had no friends and had to spend the summer largely babysat by Sue because she was too young to intern. They were inseparable friends that were tied together through a bond that didn't need constant attention. 

But then Leah was engaged to Sam Uley and she loved him just as blindly, as stupidly. Then they weren't and Emily was attacked by an animal, and Roman was too busy blaming herself for such a dangerous creature having gotten her friend that she didn't stay to watch the aftermath of Sam and Emily getting together. She was scared to see the way things would fall apart. 

She had never been as close to anyone in Forks that she had been with those two girls. Not Jessica or Lauren, no matter how dear they were to her, not even Eric had managed to claw his way to there status. 

So maybe Roman had been too eager to throw herself back into her work, her cowardice rearing its head each time the conversation grew too heavy, too thick. 

Becoming a lovestruck idiot didn't help the matter but that she wasn't going to regret that, not ever. 

They waited until everyone had left, Bella promising to come back so they could drive back to her house together before disappearing with Jacob so that they might have a chance to talk. It was only fair, she supposed, since they had spent forever sat together talking. It wasn't like they were dating... right? It was just a kiss... she thinks. 

When it was finally just the two of them, a mug of coffee placed before each of them. Emily remembered how she takes it. Some of the pressure lifted from her shoulders. 

"Sam did that," she voices, nodding her chin in the direction of her friend's face because she really doesn't have any issue mentioning it, doesn't see the reason to tiptoe around her when they were trying to get everything out it the open. 

"It was an accident," Emily's quick to say. 

"I wasn't implying that it wasn't." 

"He didn't mean it," she continues, standing up with a swift sort of antsiness that has her reaching into her cupboards as she began to pull out baking supplies. "They have trouble with anger and controlling it in the beginning. I didn't know he would be so dangerous." 

Roman nods, wrapping a hand around the warmth of her mug. "Yeah, I saw Paul lose his shit earlier. Are they all like that?" 

Emily nods, placing a mixing bowl on the counter. "They get better over time and I guess it depends on their temperament before the change." 

"Paul has always had anger issues," she comments, snickering as Emily giggles. 

"Yes, he hasn't had the easiest time growing up. Sam has been helping him. He's been getting better." 

"I always thought that Sam would be a good counsellor or youth leader. He used to give good advice and he was always great with Seth." 

The woman smiles, beaming as if she had been given the compliment instead, and Roman hid her grin at the sight of her taking pride in her... Sam. 

"I'll tell him to consider it seriously when he isn't so stressed." 

"I doubt he'll ever be not stressed, Em, so maybe he can start to look into it a little more if he's given the chance." 

"He's been very busy lately with the pack and patrols, and he's always so tired and worrying about them."

"I'm worried about you, Em. How did this..." Roman sighs, closing her eyes. "Look, I'm just going to be straight with you, alright? How did you even get together with Sam? How are you roped into all of this after everything that he did to you? Leah hates you both, she barely talks to me either, and I just... doesn't it feel like you're giving up too much for him?" 

Emily sets her spoon down, wiping her hands on a dry towel. "You want to do this now?" 

"Better to get it over with before it's gets too messy. I think the three of us really need a sit-down, but obviously that's not going happen." 

She sighs, leaning back against the counter with the towel wrung in her hands. "I never meant to hurt Leah, I hope you know that, and I never meant to push you away, either." 

"I think it was more of a mutual pushing..." Roman adds, smiling wrily. 

"It doesn't excuse anything, Ro, and for that, I apologize. I know that you spend more time with Leah, it was just easier for you with her around more often, and I was afraid you would hate me like she does," Emily explains, bowing her head slightly and her hair falls around her face. She pauses, keeping it there for a moment before her confidence returns and she pushes it away. "But I don't regret picking to stay with Sam. I have never been happier in my entire life and if Leah chooses to hate me forever then I will carry that burden." 

"That doesn't explain how it came to be." 

"I tried to stay away in the beginning. I didn't understand why he was suddenly so focused on me as he pushed her away, but as much as I was interested in his attention, I didn't want to encourage it," she continues. "He didn't want to hurt her, he still loves her, but he couldn't help it. The wolves have this thing called imprinting. Sam says it's like everything in the world shifts and it's suddenly all about this one person and that you will do anything for them, be anything for them, whatever they need, and you can't help but to love them." 

Her mind wraps around the concept, working over the whole idea of it, and the true romantic in her heart screams in delight, jumping for joy. She doesn't totally get the whole thing and she doubts that Emily does either, neither of them can feel the wolf thing, but if it's anything like soulmates then she can't really blame her. 

Roman believes her when she says she tried not to hurt her, that she tried to push him away. If it was anything like what she felt for Bella and Edward then it would be impossible to stay away for long. And as much as she wanted to keep Leah safe and happy, she knew that her and Sam were not meant to be. 

She had seen them together now, both of the couples, and she could see a clear difference. 

It didn't make the situation any less terrible. 

"In the end, he couldn't force himself to be with her when he didn't love her the same way anymore. It wasn't fair to Leah." 

"What happened to your face then? How did he hurt you?" 

"I was yelling at him, calling him all these horrible things and terrible names. He had just broken up with Leah. He kissed me--" she touches her lips with a faint smile-- "and I pushed him away, I slapped him and screamed. I told him that I hated him, that I never wanted to see his face again." 

"And they have trouble controlling their anger, you said... you were standing too close." 

Emily is silent, thoughtful. Roman doesn't interrupt her and lets her reflect on whatever thought that's captured her full attention. 

"He hates himself for what he's done." 

"He should. I won't excuse any of his behaviour, but I do understand why it all happened. I just wish that things had gone smoother for Leah. None of this was fair to her and it doesn't mean I'm going to forgive him. It's not that easy." 

"At least you're still going to visit, right? It'll be easy to get you here now that Bella knows," Emily comments teasingly. 

Roman warms, flushing at bright pink, and she drinks her coffee greedily, savouring that stinging heat that settles on her tongue and burns her throat. "Sorry what?" 

"Wel, it's pretty obvious that she's what has you so flustered and distant. We when through the lovestruck phase with Leah, but I guess you've just never grown out of it." 

Groaning, she lowers her face to her hands. "Aren't we talking about your love triangle, not mine?" 

"Yes, but there isn't much we can say about me anymore. Leah won't speak to either of us, she hates us, and she likely never will now that we're engaged." 

"I still think you need to talk to her whether or not she likes it. You need to explain and apologize. She deserves to be treated better."

"I don't want it to feel like I'm apologizing for me. It has to be for her, but I don't know how to do it without making it about me." 

"We can speak to her together. We both have things to apologize for." 

"It won't make a difference unless we can tell her everything and we can't do that," Emily grimaced, going back to her bowl, stirring roughly. "Even then it won't make things better." 

"But it's a start. It'll be easier for her to understand, and then you can start to build your relationship back up!" 

"You just love happy endings," she teased. 

"I don't like when things are broken and this has clearly been left alone for too long."

"You're a good friend, Roman. Bella's lucky to have you." 

Her nose wrinkles, a frown pulling at her lips. That wasn't quite true. She was a greedy person, selfish. She wanted things to be perfect, to be happy and consistent in life. She wanted everyone to be happy, yes, but Bella's happiness felt more important than anyone else. The truth was, she was lucky to even have Bella's friendship or just anything to do with the girl in general. 

And all of this talking, all this advice, it felt like it was more for her own sake because she wanted their trio to be back to normal and that was only because she was reminded of how great Emily was today. How great Sam was, and sorta Paul too. 

Now that Bella planned to spend more time here she wanted to encourage all of her past relationships that she's been neglecting to return to how they once were. 

She wasn't a good friend. She was a selfish one, a greedy one, but she wasn't going brave enough to say it. Roman was also a coward, no matter what anyone said, no matter what she had done. 

"It's good to see you, Ro." 

Jumping, she spun around to face the door, gaping at Sam as he stood against the doorframe, arms crossed with a small smile lightening his usual hard exterior. She didn't want to consider how long he might have been standing there.

"I'm sure it is." 

"I'm sorry about Paul. We were sure that you had known about what the Cullens were." 

"Well not everyone can be let in on the secret. We weren't exactly friends when they decided to leave." 

He looks at her and she hates how knowing his gaze is. "But you loved him just as much as you love her. I remember all those late-night phone calls where you would whine about how perfect he was, and then they were." 

It's funny how he seems to know her character just as well as the girls did, better almost than any of her other friends barring Bella, and still, she couldn't find it in her to forgive him the same way that she had Emily for what they had both done. He had emotionally killed Leah and something like that wasn't going to be wiped away after an explanation. 

She missed Emily but she felt it was only fair that she be mad at one of them for Leah's sake -- and it was him that sorta handled things so terribly.

Lord, this was all so confusing, the mess of friendships and love and hate that became a hard to navigate web of drama that could get everyone and anyone hurt. Roman wondered if she should just drop her truth, her words of advice, and just see how both them were going to take it. 

But she did miss her friends. 

And Bella was going to be spending quite a bit of time with them... 

Roman was a selfish person. 

"Well he's gone and I don't want to talk about it right now, if it's okay. My drama can wait for another day." 

"Your drama is going to drive us crazy," he grumbles. 

Her brows pinch and she looks to Emily for clarification. 

"The pack can hear each other's thoughts when they're wolves and Jacob's in love with Bella," she announces with a pleasant smile. 

Scowling, Roman eyes Sam in disdain. She didn't like it when people invaded her privacy, especially when they shared her secrets. It wasn't right when she never went searching for any of this type of crazy. 

"Well, I'm in love with her too and she knows that. She also knows that I love Edward so tell Jake not to go making any stupid plans because she doesn't care about that." 

"He won't say anything to her that isn't his business." 

Relief floods her when she meets his eye. He would find a way to make the boy keep his mouth shut and for that she was thankful. Things were complicated enough without his interference. 

"Here, why don't you help me with these cookies. Those boys eat so much I can barely keep up," Emly asks, offering her the large bowl. "You can tell us all about the hunting party you've been planning." 

Chuckling nervously, she shoots Sam a look from the corner of her eye. She had been helping to hunt them down without knowing it and if his set jaw was any indication, he knew that if anyone could capture those boys, it was her. No one was better at tracking things than Roman and no one was better at finding what they wanted. 

And she had wanted to find those wolves almost enough that she was close. 

"I'll just tell you what trails and paths I plan to send them on because I did such thorough, beautiful work on those, there is no way I'm changing them." 

"You don't have to do anything. I'm sure that we can work something out," Emily reassures with a smile. 

She nods readily, eager. This is something she can do, talk about work, it was easy and fulfilling, time-consuming, and it was better than talking about mistakes and relationships with Sam standing behind us like some vigilant, watchful statue of intimidation. 

But she was going to fix this. She was. For herself and for Bella.

Because there was no way Roman was going to mess things up now. 

Because there was no way Roman was going to give her up. 

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2019-11-02