There's energy buzzing through her as she skips through the halls toward the cafeteria. Roman was on her second coffee of the day, her second thermos held tightly within her hands, and she feels a weight settle on her shoulders as she enters. 

Lunch hours were different with the hours she put into work, the time usually spent bent over her school work to free up her afternoons. It often left little time for her friends, more so during the winter and spring seasons where she was almost always out in the woods checking and rechecking the trails to ensure their safety. It made things a little bitter at times, but Eric was always there, her saving grace, her number one defender. 

He had a seat saved for her when she came in without knowing if she was even joining them, and she drops into it with a groan, flipping her bag around so it sat in her lap. It just so happens that it's the seat across from a fidgety Bella. Roman does her best to ignore Eric's elbow in her side. 

"Well, look who it is," Jessica says, voice rising so it's high and mocking. "Rowan, was it?"

"Haha, Jess," she rolls her eyes, pulling her brown paper lunch free and dropping her backpack to the floor. "How was everyone's weekend then? Might as well get my friend duties in now." 

She huffs at my teasing. "Oh no, you're not getting away with it that easily. 

"Jess, come on. Don't be like this." 

"Just apologize to her so she'll drop it, Ro," Lauren huffs, playing with her short blonde hair. 

"Ugh, fine, I'm sorry for being such an absent, flaky friend, Jessica," She says, reaching across the table to place a hand over the other girls. "I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

"Apology accepted," Jessica beams. "We were actually just discussing something that you could easily clear up for us." 

"I swear, if this is another thing about who I've caught doing it in the woods--" 

"No, no, nothing like that," Lauren interrupts blushingly. "Though, now that you mention it..." 

Groaning, she turns to Bella or Angela to clarify. "Me and Ben saw something out in the woods this weekend. I think it's a bear, but it was too big. Tyler claims to have seen it too."

"There are no bears that close to the resort!" Jessica protests and Roman sighs. 

"No, it's true. There was a hiker that came in saying he saw a bear just this Saturday by a trail near town. He was huge and black..." Bella trails off, swallowing thickly as eyes snap to her. Roman wonders how dense they could be to not realize she was there, smiling through the anger at their dismissal. "And my dad's been getting a few reports in. Roman, too, right?"

She looks to her almost desperately and Roman clears her throat, nodding in admittance. "There have been some tracks nearby the trails a lot closer to town. I've been working through them testing for things like that, closing them and stuff, so you shouldn't have to worry about it. Chief Swan and my mom are probably going to organize a hunting party if things get too bad." 

"Hmmph," Lauren sniffs, eyeing Roman with a concerned frown between her brows. She nods in understanding, acknowledgment, and the blonde turns to Jess, changing the subject. 

"Are you going to be joining the hunting party?" Bella asks worriedly, voice low as she looks down at the table. 

"Most likely," she admits. "It wouldn't be the first. My mom finally had me registered to carry a gun two summers ago, but I usually just use tranquillizers." 

"Just be careful," Bella stresses, the sincerity of her tone taking her by surprise and she jerks, thermos toppling over on the table spilling coffee down her front and she hisses, pushing away from the table. 

"Oh! Are you alright?" Bella moves to stand but Roman puts out a calming hand, purposefully ignoring Lauren's snickers as she grabs her stuff. 

"It's fine, really, it's okay. I'll see you later, kay?" Roman rambles, shooting Bella a quick smile before she bolts from the cafeteria, picking at the shirt that clung to her front. 

Life seemed to have it out for her, a big target painted on her back. Since she had run into Bella it felt as though everything was right, but something always got in the way if they got too close. Maybe it was the thought of Edward, of a not rightness being present without him here, or maybe it was her just cursing herself for trying to steal Bella away for herself. 

Because Edward leaving her out of the blue didn't make any sense. Him abandoning her in the woods isn't something he would have done.  He loved Bella with his entire soul and that sort of love never leaves. 

She shook her head. Seth was wrong. There was no way for her to win Bella over, not when she had the memory of Edward to compete with. 

There was also the matter of her own feelings for him that would ultimately prove to be an issue if never addressed. 

Roman wondered how her life could go from basic monotony to a series of love-struck, heartbroken episodes in which she would pine after a couple and then a broken-hearted girl. Even as she knew how wrong she was, it couldn't be helped, not with the way that the days were beginning to pass and every free moment she had ended up being at Bella's side.

There were days of studying, squished at Bella's table, sometimes with Jacob, sometimes without. Days were she would visit her at work or the other way around with Bella never stepping through the trees, but always willing to sit out front the stations as Roman poured herself over various maps (specific maps, the kind that the Rangers kept for their personal use that held precise details of different part of the forest). 

There were moments when she stayed up late on the phone, voice low with a blanket wrapped around her shoulder as she sat with the sliding door open and bare feet sticking out onto the balcony; and days where she was invited to Jacob's, listening to them talk and sometimes baiting the boy into explaining what he was doing. She never understood and he knew that, but she's pretty sure he appreciated her efforts. 

Roman knew she should have had a better handle on her emotions and it was a miracle that no one found out yet with the way she had rushed to the hospital after Jacob's rushed call -- ditching work and getting there even before Charlie. 

Bella had apologized for the blood, mumbling over and over again, and each time she reassured her it was no problem, that it wasn't a big deal -- because it wasn't, the head injury was the big deal and the possible concussion it came with. Head wounds bled a lot anyway, even for the smallest thing. 

"I didn't mean it. It was an accident," Bella rasps, throat growing dry.

"I know, Bells. No one is mad at you for an accident," she would tell her, but the words never seemed to click. 

She wasn't going to admit how upset she was at the motorbikes, or cycles, or whatever those things were. They were dangerous and Bella clearly didn't have the sense to wear a helmet or the coordination to drive one. 

And then it happens again, but it's Bella who calls her this time, pleading over the phone.

"Don't leave me," her voice is soft, broken, "It was an accident."

"I know, Bells, you just have to be more careful," Roman chides, but she's already climbing onto her bike, mittens pulled snug over her fingers and waving an apologetic goodbye to Lauren, the blonde rolling her eyes in that faux-annoyance, fond gesture that she will always be known for. 

And really, it has to be her fault that her life is moving so quickly now because her birthday comes and goes. Her friends merge it into a cupid themed lovefest. They have cake at lunch and they drop a pile of cheesy valentine cards for her to read on the table, and it's more of a laugh than a serious celebration, but Roman loves it. 

She loves it more when Bella has her over that night, cooking her a spaghetti sauce full of leftovers that she gets to take home. Roman eats seconds that night with her mother, and Bella has this happy gleam in her brown eyes, this growing thing, and sometimes she swears she catches her looking. 

There was something about the day with the way that Bella seemed distant, nervous almost that made Roman wonder if it was Valentine's day that did it or if it was birthdays in general that upset her. 

Somehow a month has passed and Bella is begging her to come to the movies, rushing on about everyone else cancelling. 

"It won't be the same without you, Roman," she pleads, and wow, her name sounds so good coming from her.

It's always her full name, nothing more or less, and feels like a term of endearment, a blessing with each syllable. 

Roman can't deny her anything. "The trailer looked so stupid. I'm going to hate it."

"It's going to be terrible," she agrees, giggling, and Roman smiles stupidly, already stripping herself of her dirty work clothes for something far more comfortable. "I'll pick you up." 

With her hands free she has more freedom to dart around the messy room, pulling out a large clean shirt and soft jeans. She doesn't do more than that, she doesn't want to make it feel more like a date than it was. Mike and Jacob were going to ruin her night, she was betting on it. 

With both of them actively attempting to woo Bella, there would be no place for civilized conversation. 

She shook her head. The year was passing so quickly and Roman knew that she would need to reevaluate herself because somehow she was losing track of time again, letting herself buzz through life as though she had nothing to lose. 

When the buzz of the doorbell sounded she found herself trudging down the steps, hands shoved deep into her pockets ready to turn back inside at the sight of Jacob's Rabbit because she wasn't sure how she felt about climbing into the backseat like some kind of third wheel. 

Jacob had this way of commanding Bella's attention sometimes and it drove her crazy how she just became a figure moving just outside of their reach.

"What's up? How are you, Jacob?" 

Delving into comfortable conversation about the few days that she actually hasn't seen him, Roman wondered how it was that she spent so much time with him but hardly knew a thing about him. 

It made her feel like a terrible person, but he didn't know anything about her either, it was reciprocal, a situational occurrence that was only happening because of a mutual friend. She still liked to believe that they could get along if she tried. Maybe she ought to try more. 

"We're just waiting for Mike," Bella explains, and as though summoned, his suburban comes chugging around the corner, parking in front of Erics' place. 

"I remember this guy," Jacob grumbles. "He's the one that thinks you're his girlfriend. Is he still confuse?"

"Some people are hard to discourage." 

Roman looks away, guilt burning a hole in her chest. 

"Then again," Jacob notes thoughtfully. "Sometimes persistence pays off." 

"Most of the time it's just annoying though," Bella notes, and Roman ducks her head to hide her smile. 

And then Mike is at her side and Jacob is chattering away up front, dominating the conversation. She wants to hiss at the boy, demand that Bella sits in the back so she wouldn't have to watch the flirt fest going on because at some point Mike shifts forward adding his own attempts. 

It leaves a sour taste in her mouth, a stabbing pain in her heart that brings tears to her eyes at how unfair the entire thing was.

Roman wasn't ashamed of what she was or what she felt. She was interested in both males and females alike, sometimes at the same time, but she couldn't find the courage to admit it to anyone.

Forks was a small town and a lot of the time people had a small mind. There was an overwhelming possibility that they would condemn her for her feelings, for who she was, and it was a fear that burned to her core, spreading doubt through her like a plague.

And despite the closeted life she lived, Roman knew how utterly unfair it was for her to be limited in her interactions. She wanted to flirt openly, carefree, but it felt like it would always hold her back, the ideals that she carried on from the elder generations.

She wanted to be involved as much as the boys were, to feel like she was allowed to share her feelings without their being any consequences -- because it wasn't only about her, it was about Bella and the thought of anyone judging her so negatively made her sick.

Pressing her head against the window she watched the trees pass silently in blurs, catching her own eye in her reflection, seeing the sad swell of tears before looking away.

The thought that she had to tell someone struck her hard and she flinched into herself, hating the very idea of it. There was no one she was comfortable telling -- not anyone that wouldn't break her heart, even if unintentionally.

When they got to the theatre she was quick to duck out of the car, breathing the fresh air greedily to clear her mind before going to get her ticket. 

"This is a little weird," Bella tells her as they wait behind Mike, speaking silently so he wouldn't hear. "I didn't think so maybe people wouldn't come." 

"Apparently the stomach flu is going around." 

"Maybe next time it should be just the two of us," Bella remarks and Roman can feel a soft tug on her jacket, a gentle weight pressing against her back. "Maybe we can do something different. The movie was a terrible idea." 

She smiles. "Just tell me where and when... just as long as I don't have to watch two boys compete over you." 

"No, definitely, I'll make sure of it," she snorts, moving forward to pay for the tickets. "Can I ask for a favour, Roman?"

Nodding encouragingly, she just hands Bella over her money with a grin and motions for her to buy her ticket as well hoping to hurry it up. 

"Me and Jake have been looking for this, um, meadow, that I know of, and we've been having troubling finding it," Bella admits sheepishly. "I didn't want to inconvenience you or anything, you know, with how much time you already spend hiking, I didn't want to make you go out of your way." 

"Oh? Is that it? Of course, I'll help you," Roman tells her easily, trying not to focus on how much it hurt her to know that she would rather spend so much time with Jacob searching hopelessly than look with her. 

She could have done it for her so easily, could have found this dumb meadow. It was like she just wanted to spend time with Jacob though, over her. It must have been what they did when she wasn't around, and she loathed to think of what else went on. 

The movie was exactly as expected and Roman spent the entire time trying not to think of Bella between the two boys as she snacked on her chocolates. Jacob could be heard commenting at the other end and at that point she decided to just focus on the unoriginal way the blood would splatter on the screen.

Until Mike got up with a groan, lurching by with a hand pressed tightly over his mouth. She wrinkled her nose, watching him flee. Bella and Jacob followed close behind. She stayed firmly in her seat until the end credits began to roll. 

They were by the bathrooms, the boys close together with the Quileute boy's chest heaving, a fire burning in his eyes and she jumps to grab Mike, easily pulling him away. 

"How the hell is going on?" she hisses, eyeing the blonds ashen, sweaty face. 

"We should get going," Bella urges shepherding Jacob toward the exit. "The movie's finished anyway, right, Roman?" 

"Oh yeah, it was just as shit as the rest of it," she agrees, leading Mike along with little difficulty. 

The drive back was terrible and Roman was thankful that her place was the first stop. She had work in the morning and if she stayed stuck in the car any longer she was definitely going to catch his dumb stomach flu. 

Bella clambered out of the car when they got there, Jacob steering Mike around as both girls stood there awkwardly. 

"I... I'm sorry this turned out to be awful." 

"It was... just about what I expected it to be, honestly." 

"Well, thank you, for coming. I don't think I could have handled that alone." 

"Anything for you, Bells." 

Brown eyes look to Roman with this bright, indistinguishable expression, and she wants to dive in, see everything that there is to offer, drink up the pools of warm chocolate. She settles for a hug, dragging Bella against her and it's like a weight off her chest, a cover falling away and she could see clearly. 

It's over all too soon. Heat crawls up her neck, squeezing her lungs, and she waves stupidly as she watches Bella leave. 

"I'll call you," she's shouting out the window, and Roman is beaming brightly, hopeful, even knowing how much thinking and sorting she'll have to do just to feel like her life is in order, that she still has control over herself. 

Bella drove her crazy. It was all she could think of as it was like the girl was invading ever aspect of her life, taking over, and Roman had no problems with it. 

She had never been impatient. She always found the way in the end, the right path to take. Even lost she had figured her way. Roman knew herself better than anyone ever could. She knew her feelings, her heart, and she always knew the right way. 

Waiting wasn't an issue, Roman could wait, she could take whatever Bella gave her, and if the time was right she would know. 

Roman always found what she wanted. She always found what she needed. 

*** 

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if this aint shit --- 

i'm crying over how bad ,,, 

so many times jumps and gaps!! such crappy writing!! such an iconic ronnie move !!! 

unedited 

2019-06-27