**TRIGGER WARNING** Discussion of depression, reader discretion is advised.

I've waited twenty minutes. It feels like a lifetime. By the time the nurse comes back I'm ready to throw something out of frustration.

"Well?" I ask her expectantly.

She has a clipboard with some pages she rifles through. "Who did you want to know about first?"

"Orion," I say immediately, before she can even get all the words out.

She flips through the papers and I literally hold my breath.

"Orion Bauwens...Ah, here we go. He had foreign object lodged in his right side, which caused a deep laceration to his abdominal wall which required surgery to remove the object and repair the damage--he is currently in serious but stable condition, upgraded from critical, and is being monitored."

I put my head back and shut my eyes. "Can I see him?"

"He's not awake yet. The surgery was long, he came out of it recently. He's still in recovery."

"Oh...well, when he wakes up can I see him?"

"I don't know," she tells me plainly. "You also just got out of surgery. It wouldn't be advisable to see him right away--for either of you."

I hate that answer. "What about Amy?"

She frowns, flipping to the first page. She scans over it and then looks at me. "She had a severe break of her right leg and had gone into shock. She's still in surgery...They're trying to save her leg. I'm sorry."

I think I might be sick again. "W-what?"

"She might lose her leg below her knee."

I close my eyes. "What about Ben?"

She flips through the clipboard. "Ben...Ben...Ben...I'm sorry, I don't have a Ben here?"

"Ben? Ben Hill? Benjamin Hill?"

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, if he was admitted he's been released already."

Great. More non-answers. Honestly this entire thing is exhausting me. I just want to go to sleep.

"Gloria?"

"Yes, I remember her...She was treated for lacerations to her face, most of which were superficial. She also had some glass removed, but she's going to be fine and only needed minimal stitching. She's been released already."

"What about her eye?" I mumble with a yawn.

"Nothing was said about her eye, so I assume it's alright?"

I nod. "And Jake?"

"He had thirty stitches to his scalp, also released already."

"When can I see visitors?"

She laughs. "You look like you need sleep. Try to get some, okay?"

"Okay..." I struggle to keep my eyes open. "Oh, nurse?"

"Yes Tristan?"

"If Orion wakes up, tell him I'll come see him soon and that I'm alright, please?"

I don't know what she says because I'm asleep.

~

"Go find Amy," Orion says, waving his hand. "Now I wanna talk to both of you, together."

Ben slips out of his seat to go fetch Amy, but Orion stops him. "No, I want Jake to."

"On it," Jake says, leaving.

"And make sure she has fucking pants on!" he calls after him. Then, quieter, as he shakes his head. "Jesus Christ..."

A minute later they return. Amy slips into a seat, wearing one of Orion's black knit sweaters. It's huge on her. Instead of looking at anyone she looks at her lap, fussing over the sleeves that drape past her hands.

"Why're you wearing my sweater?" When she doesn't answer, Orion looks at everyone. "For fuck's sake, why does everyone just go through the shit that's in my house?"

I glare a little. I know that was in reference to when I went through his house (which prompted him to break up with me) when he relapsed. He catches the look and shakes his head.

"Never mind. Look, I'm sorry I went berserk."

Amy snorts but still looks at her lap.

"And I'm sorry I punched Ben."

"Don't say that to me," she says, looking at Orion and pointing at Ben. "Say that to him!"

"I already did," Orion replies.

"He did," Ben confirms when Amy looks at him. He shrugs. "Like I said, if I caught someone banging my sister, I'd deck 'em, too."

Amy rolls her eyes. "Oh, the logic of men."

Orion clears his throat. "Can we stay on task? Please?"

Amy crosses her arms and puckers her lips.

"Amy--you're not going back to Minnesota, and I'm sorry I said that."

She looks stunned. "I'm not?"

"No, you're not. And you have my blessing for whatever..." He waves his hand. "You and Ben have."

She looks over the moon. "Really?"

"Yeah."

She comes around and hugs him. "Thanks Ori!"

"Just don't let it fuck up the band, got it?"

"I promise!"

"I'm fucking serious, Amy. You guys go tits up, or have a fight, it stays out of the band."

"I promise!"

Amy then whispers something into his ear, which makes him laugh. He shoves her off. Amy walks over to Ben, leading him away by the hand. She looks over her shoulder and calls behind herself.

"I'm serious, Orion!"

Orion laughs and shakes his head. "I know..." When they disappear around the corner, Orion cups his hands around his mouth. "'Eh! No more fucking like rabbits in my house, either, got it?"

They both laugh.

"Well," Jake says, "for as exciting as this was, I'm going home."

"Good," I say before I can even stop myself.

They both look at me. Orion cocks his head to the side.

"Sorry," I lie, "I'm just tense still..."

I hate lying. But being this jealous of Jake is stupid.

"Alright. I'll see you guys around."

"Hey Jake," Orion says.

"Huh?"

"I'm really sorry I lost my temper...I know--I know I haven't for awhile--"

He grins. "Don't be too sorry, dude. They both handled the situation terribly. Sure you shouldn't have slugged him, but you have every right to be angry."

Once he's gone, Orion looks at me and gives me a funny face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I'm just sensing a lot of hostility between you and Jake. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. So, what did Amy whisper in your ear?"

To my dismay Orion doesn't look like he believes me. But then he breaks into a smile. "She said she'll murder me if I ever lay a finger on her boyfriend again. You wanna know the sad thing?"

"Hmm?"

"I actually kinda believe her. That girl is fucking psycho..."

I laugh.

--

"So I'm holding a party," Orion tells me a few days later.

He's excited. I cannot get over how much I love this new Orion. Everything about him is just...So different. He laughs like he means it. He smiles a lot. He's, well, happy, and it's not fake happy. God, I love him so much.

I smile at him. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, in honor of Amy joining the band."

"Sweet. Sounds good. Who all are you inviting?"

"The band--obviously--Gloria, Simon--"

"Woah woah woah, Simon? He's out?"

"Yeah..." Orion scratches the back of his neck nervously.

"How? I thought he got five years?"

"Good behavior."

"Does he deal any more?"

Orion looks at me like I'm dumb. "Fuck no!"

"Uh...so...how're..."

"What? Things between us?"

I nod.

"Fine, honestly."

Not going to lie--I'm a little surprised at that. Orion must read that in my face because he shrugs.

"He knows he shouldn't've given me the pills. I know it was ridiculous of me to take that many, and yeah, I was kinda looking to die."

We've talked about this fact before. But every time it comes up I can't help but shudder.

"But it was a fuck up on both our ends. We've declared it a wash."

"Wow, really? That's amazing."

"Blessing in disguise I guess? The entire situation made him swear off dealing, and I got the help I needed, so." Orion shrugs.

I grin at him. I'm so proud. "When did you become such the optimist?"

He rolls his eyes. "Hardly."

I swallow away a lump in my throat that's suddenly formed. I try to get out my next question like it's no big deal. "So...I never asked you..."

"Asked me what?"

"Well, the last time I heard anything about Simon, well...Jake was pissed at you. Like, really fucking pissed."

Orion turns his head away. "At the hospital?" he asks me softly.

"Yeah."

"How did that all go down?"

He looks at me. "Whatdoya mean?"

"How did you and Jake patch things up?"

"We talked."

I cross my arms and shoot him a contemptuous look.

Orion sighs. "So...after they deemed I wasn't a danger to myself and I got out of the hospital, I went right back to rehab. I was only in for ninety days. When I got back home we still weren't talking. I let it be."

That surprises me. That's not like Orion. Then again it's just another testament to what great progress he's made.

"Then one day Ben showed up at my door. You know how he is. He just..."

"Is sweet?"

Orion smiles. "Yeah, exactly. And it was fucking killing him that Jake and I weren't talking, and that Saturn Mutants was on hold indefinitely. So...out of our equal dedication to Ben, we begrudgingly went back to speaking terms. And then the one night, well..."

My heart drops immediately, splashing into a cold pit in my stomach.

"We got into a fight."

I shut my eyes. Oh, thank God.

"Like, a really bad fight. We ended up throwing shit at each other, the works."

I open my eyes. "Damn."

"Yeah..." he rubs his forehead with his thumb, the thumb that holds his black ring. "Not my proudest moments, and I'm sure not his, either."

"So then what?"

"Well...Um, he threw a book at my head and broke my nose."

I can feel my eyes nearly bust out of my head. "What?"

He laughs his nervous, high-pitched hyena laugh. "Y-yeah...Once my nose started spurting blood everywhere we kinda came to our senses about what we were doing, and how fucking ridiculous we were being. So after I got cleaned up we sat down and hashed everything out like adults."

For a moment I just shake my head. "Jesus, Orion..."

"Yeah, I know. We can get a little idiotic sometimes..."

"So what did you talk about, if you don't mind me asking?"

He rubs his hands on his pants. I don't want to upset him too much. My jealousy and need to know the ins and outs of their relationship can be damned.

"Hey, if you're not comfortable about talking about it, it's okay--"

"No," he says, "it's okay. I admitted to him, yeah, I did kinda wanna die. And I told him that after he shoved me in a pool once shortly before I OD'd that it was nice, just being at the bottom with everything muffled, and that when I took all those pills I was chasing that feeling, that stillness, that calm."

I wince.

"And he asked me why I don't open up about shit like that, and I told him the truth. I told him because I know that's all irrational fucking bullshit. I know having those thoughts is scary. I just--"

He cuts himself off and looks away, wrapping his arms around himself. I patiently wait. Either he's going to finish his sentence or he's not. I won't pry.

He sweeps his eyes towards me and speaks quietly. "I just don't want to scare anyone. I scare myself enough. Plus I know how uncomfortable it makes everyone--I mean, fuck Tristan, I'm making you uncomfortable now."

"No you're not."

"Don't lie to me."

I pause. "I just don't like thinking about you dead."

He chuckles then. "Yeah, well, neither do I. Which is why I kept my mouth shut. But now I know better...Now I know that I need to talk about shit like that, regardless who it makes uncomfortable."

"Exactly," I say, reaching across and taking his hand, proffering a smile. "Because we love you, and we want to help you."

He smiles vaguely. "I know."

"Orion..."

He furrows his brow. "Yeah?"

"I just--"

I want to tell him how much he means to me. I want to tell him how much I love him. I want to tell him that if he ever died before I did, I would be crushed, that I seriously wouldn't know how to go on. I would go on, but I want to tell him how damn hard it would be without him. I want to tell him how broken I'd be, how I'd spend the rest of my days just limping along through life.

But something stops me. So instead I just smile and shake my head. "I love you. You're a wonderful person. I'm happy you were able to make amends with both Jake and Simon."

He positively beams at me.