WRITE UNTIL YOUR FINGERS BLEED SHE SAID

Since I was caught in the midst of my scars, I'll write. I didn't want to write about it in all honesty. I wasn't going to ever try and speak about it in writing, but this the only form of therapy I'll ever receive.

From the moment I woke up I knew it was gonna be an awful day but when she saw the scars, I cried. I don't know what kind of tears they were but I wish it was the happy kind of tears you get when you receive a surprise party on your birthday when you hate it so much.

I honestly didn't think she would say anything, but mothers will always be mothers. Guilt itched my face and my eyes weren't open in those moments wanting whatever blow that would hit my face hurt me.

When she asked me for how long? I didn't answer. For a matter of fact any question she asked was no reply. I wanted to say a long time maybe three years on and off. She thought that was the worst when I've done much worse under her nose. My heart broke when she said I was the smartest yet dumbest one of her kids. Maybe in reality things aren't always the way it seems.

From the moment I was born, I was special in ways I learned as I developed into the girl I am today. When I say I'm not happy, I cry, I hurt, and I'm silent. When I'm around others, I laugh, I joke, I try too hard. But I hate. I hate when I pull my pants up. I hate when I walk around and don't know a single soul. I hate the way I get stared at when I speak a sentence. I hate the faces I give when I tell someone how I feel and they don't believe me. I hate every skin on my body and I want to light myself on fire if it was the case. I hate when I laugh and I hate touches. I use to cringe when I was touched and I continue to shake and smile it off but once I get to my bed, it's like the pillow encases all my memories and unleashes them when I shut my eyes. Even though my life is all coming around swallowed water.

But I wish I could talk to others like how I speak in my poetry. I hold too much inside and unleash it when I'm typing away, this is the only remedy. I just wish someone would take me serious. I am lost and afraid I'll never be found.

I have a good heart but I don't believe it. I start to say how I feel but when I get interrupted and start getting asked questions I freak out and back down. A few minutes ago I started to tell my mother how I honestly don't feel like I'm her daughter, that her friend seems to have replaced me and she told me to stop making excuses as to how I feel. How can I open up when I'm afraid to feel understood?

Yesterday my sister asked me why I was doing cutting my wrists? and to think of my niece knowing I did that. I think everyone knows she's the only reason why I try to keep pushing out of suicidal thoughts and I broke because I was too afraid to admit that she's the light in my eyes when I'm happy. I don't want her to be touched in places not allowed by someone ever like I was. I don't want her to cry over boys like me. I want her happy like how I want to be. I want to genuinely be happy for her. So yes, I know that when she leaves, I won't feel the same but I love her and breaking myself isn't okay.

I think a lot of people keep things from me just so I'm not hurt. Just like how I keep the things that hurt me inside so nobody can see my weaknesses. It's okay, I'll understand one day.

One day I'll tell the story of how I got put on the floor when I was five. How I starved myself to the point of fainting when I was 11. How I cut myself 12 times last week. How I cried in the bathroom stall. How I tried to kill myself when I was fifteen but ended up backing out like the coward I am. How I still believe i'm the reason why my parents separated. How I know that every thing that happens is because of me and not fate or God.

I'm sorry.