WEAK DAYS

121 days ago, I gave in.
today I want to give in.
badly. crazy. spontaneously.
I'm swallowing my spit
slowly, ravenously in my mouth
fighting with my fists to not
attempt what I know I'll soon regret
please give me a sign to stop
to help myself better
I'm not insane, mental or
bounded in behind metal bars.
but I wish the chatter would stop
wish the tears would stop
wish my fears would stop
wish I could just stop living
and get on with death, dance
in the dark with flames against
my lips and music tearing down
the walls I built. but I'm back
at where my temptation to
hide cuts in long sleeves in Spring
I'm better than this, stronger
yet weaker in my words but
a winner and sacrificer in
my scars. need the feel of itch to
go away somewhere, the feel of
cotton on my wrists to go away,
the feel of temptation to stop
eating away at me. tell me if
it's ever right to just crack a laugh
in between sobs, or if it's okay to trace
your scars when you're alone in the
bathroom before hitting the shower
there's such a joy in the markings
Satisfaction, throbbing and fulfillment.
2904 hours ago,
I was complete.
Today, incomplete.
itchy, impatient and somber.
please let me do it one last time,
just once so I can mark myself
more than triple I did last time,
please my thoughts won't let me
breathe and this is all I need,
please don't let me go.
I'm not crazy, I'm just selfish
my past brought this and
my fingers are swollen
from biting them to stop
the itch. my eyes are bulging
out their sockets from the water
coming out. my heart is still golden.
please stop this.
I'm bereft you see.