VICTIM

What's a victim? A victim
is a person who suffers
from a destructive or
injurious action or agency.
I'm a victim. We're all victims.
I'm a victim of molestation.
I'm a victim of society,
I'm not only his victim,
I'm my on victim. I have to stand
and look at myself in the mirror
when all I want is to rip my skin off.
I got to shake myself up and tell myself
"you're thirteen days clean,
don't fuck with it."
Being my own victim, makes me want to choke myself on tears because of my
never ending reoccurring nightmares.
It's memorizing the beat of your heart until you march towards the sound of your death.
It's the victim who you tell
"I'm sorry you had to go through that."
Or "She/He should go to jail for that."
It's the countless I'm sorrys that make you want to lock yourself in the room wait for that.
These things happen and you can't put the blame on yourself.
Being a victim is standing in the shower, scrubbing so hard because you're not clean enough.
It's like a watching tv and changing the channel because you're never satisfied with the outcome.
Being a victim is sitting in the front yard, in the ice cold numbing yourself from the wind and your heart.
Being a victim is a reason why I write.
Being a victim is what I try
and tell myself I'm not.

For those who read Otherside, this is familiar. It's a repost of one of my favorite poems I've written. It's about my struggles with accepting what's happened over the last few years. It's been eleven years since I was molested. It's taken me a long time to finally accept it and I am happy to admit it now. Also, the couplet at the end is very dear to me because it now holds a double meaning. I don't write for you to like it. I write to help myself no matter how much it hurts someone or affects someone or involve someone, it's for me to EXPRESS my feelings and if you know you're gonna be written about and don't wanna get written about, then don't get involved with me. Simple? - Pamela X