THINKING OUT LOUD

when I have fears,
I wrap myself in
a dark soft blanket and sit in the edge
of my bed listening to a couple songs
becoming so silent by mouth (my head
is pounding from all the pictures
memories floating in my lost head)

people walk in and out of my cluttered
room to say a few nasty words,
I don't believe I am here, my heads
somewhere else might as well be
with someone else.

When I have fears,
I laugh and hide my broken
wings letting out lies I'll trade you
the serene voice that lulls me to
the only pathetic mania I have.
I lost my head in between classes
in between my madness of loosing
all the wasted time of faith, love and
forgiveness

I have fears eating me
away when I express my truth,
my beliefs, my shame, my fears,
my goddamned fears,
my goddamned fears,
you and all those wasted years.
My head is in between my hands, crushed together and pulled apart, when I am here
yet nowhere near close to the deep
oceans of defeat.
in my head I create words like
"ITS OK" so all I do
is create fears in my brain
so I have a reason to be afraid.

When I have fears,
blood seeps through my skin
my head burns with hair dye
hitting with my hands is thrilling
pulling my hair is a turn on
compulsive eating is the new bulimia
my mind is awake for more than 24 hours a day and I write like
a runway horse, the gears in my head
won't stop turning.

when I have fears,
they all start with being in a bathroom
locked with you once again.

what does all our love amount 2? Pamela x