THE OLD WAYS OF A SILLY VICTIM

couldn't sleep for a few days
and a so called friend couldn't
even give a shoulder to cry on
too busy focused on her own life;
got me four scars and it
was satisfying to feel my own
throbbing skin at my finger
from a harmful but lovely
scar i caused on myself.

dying my hair too much
could never explain how much
the colors inside of my heart
change, this is honestly
between me and the colors
scintillating inside my heart
and your words.

alcohol and it's bitter taste
and addiction in my family
is oh so evident and maybe
I'll be the reason why it's
our favorite substance abuse
and why I can't ever chose
to stay sober until
it's finally over.

holding food in my stomach
and throat choking and hurting
from consumption hating
everything inside myself
and anything I can grasp
onto another self indulging
trip to the bathroom,
showers and music playing
a new notes block the
noises inside (muting)
and I know I don't like it
but it keeps me happy.

victim blaming victim
and manipulation
being played with
by the best player on the block
and my dreams kept me
from moving forward
and loving what's in the mirror.
I wish I could let you go
but the hospitals
scare me and I know I'm
not crazy when I say
the memories keep me
here in this world
and throwing myself
out of your world when I
told you no for a second round
might be my biggest regret.

for a mere second
I could've kept quiet
about how I felt
in the summer
when my mother asked
if I would've preferred it
but today I feel as though
I ruined it all
"don't worry it's not your
fault" won't let me stop trying
to commit again.

family wars and separations
at the front door
could never leave me
wanting more
than just a mother
and father. I guess I'll never know
what it's like to withhold
a family outing without any
arguing.

the weight
on my shoulders since a mere child
"get good grades" "don't
fall in love just yet"
"don't give up just yet"
but never told me to stop
hurting and hating myself
too concentrated on the future
to remember I'm here now.

pigtails and chopsticks
in my five year old hair
she let it happen
and never told a soul
guess twins keep secrets
even while playing truth
or dare and hiding in
bathroom closets.

people will never understand me
and my body
or me and my memory
or me and my heart
or me and my old ways
and somehow I'll be okay
eventually.