STARS

when I was fourteen,
the scariest thing in my life
was sleeping.

when I was fifteen,
the scariest thing in my life
was self harming every minute
of my life.

now I am 16 and the scariest thing in my life is eating and crying
at the same time.

I can't name the amounts of times
I've cried this summer
and even
in school I refrained
from running
into a bathroom stall
and crying
just because you hear a laugh
escape for a while doesn't mean
I'm not a sad human being.

I can't name the amounts
I've purged
after I ate and I know
I'm overweight
because I can see it from pictures
way back then and I'm not okay
with it

always had something wrong with me
always had a excuses
and maybe I'm just waiting
until I realize one day I need help.

the truth is I admire
anyone who can admit
their wrongs and someday
maybe I can do that too.
but when I see someone
who has struggled thru
tears just as much as I have,
I don't have so much hatred
in myself anymore and
my love for people grows.

and at seventeen, the scariest thing
in my life should be understanding.

if you read dis vote + comment and I'll showerz you with loads of flowaaaas
cause I'm tryna win wattys2015 - Pamela x

ps this is a messy poem bc I've cried twice today and Idk what I'm thinking.