2014
"Dear everyone,

If I do decide to commit, I don't want to apologize. I want to say thank you, not for pushing me far off the edge but for not showing me how much more I should live. I wish there was things I was more happier about, but that's not true. I was never happy. I laughed and made others laugh because that was what mattered to me. Others. Others were more important to me than my own life. I guess I've stopped writing for a while now, I mean my poetry. I dedicated myself to write everyday in 2013-2014, but there was this overwhelming sense of how much I was losing my mind because of it. I wish I had become addicted to alchohol or drugs rather than my writing. I became addicted to writing and cutting. I used to be so good with my words but I became obsessed with this couple and how angry it made me seeing others with someone I wanted so badly. My life became a spiral. I wasn't stalking. It's just they appeared at wrong times to come and ruin my life. I don't know why I was so angry at myself because of them. People don't know how to deal with me. I'm sorry for those who i annoyed. I'm sorry for those that I thought didn't mean to be in my life. I was tired of annoying people. People don't know how suicidal I am. I remember in fourth grade I wrote a bunch of poems, and my teacher made me talk to the therapist or whoever, and he was trying to make me read his own book of poems. That's the reason why I gave up on therapy. I had no one who could understand the numbness I was feeling. No one. I was numb for so many years wanting to die and the question of should I do it now or later because I might miss something so important. But there's nothing so important anymore in my life. You don't know how hard it is, debating whether you should call your best friend or kill yourself without saying goodbye? You don't know how much it hurts knowing you can kill yourself tonight and not one soul will know. You don't know the days I spent crying in my pillow. The amount of times I've tried suffocating myself with my own pillow. The amount of times I tried with a towel to hang myself. You don't know anything. I was never Pam. Alice was never real. I was Pamela Nicole Martinez and I was dead. I guess it will be past tense now. I guess this is really might be the last goodbye, I'll tell myself.
To those who have thought of suicide, you're not the only one.

Peace."

this my 2014 suicide letter and things have definitely changed for better and worse, and people are still bullshitting my mind with lies loll. - Pamela X

Ps. care for others but don't fall for people's incredible bullshit. change is good guys. love you.