2 months till prologue

(Song reference in this chapter see if you can spot it.)

She could feel their gaze on her as she made herself a cup of coffee. Normally she would have waited until they left the room like she had been doing all month. It's been a month that she has been here, they would sign divorce papers tomorrow. You could say there was a lot of emotions in the air.

No one was able to officially forgive one another, most of the time Natasha spent trying to avoid them. She really had nothing to say to them, and the only reason she was there was that Steve was in and out of the hospital for check-ups, making sure he was taking care of himself, and so he was well enough to finalize everything.

She would have enjoyed the extra sleep that she was getting if it wasn't for the nightmares. Whenever she closed her eyes, she heard a babies cry of pain, the look on Yelena's face and she just couldn't sleep without seeing it. So coffee was her main use of surviving the restless nights and endless mornings.

Once her coffee was done she began walking away from the group making no eye contact, except a small smile to Thor. As she left she hear footsteps chasing after her, she figured she already knew who it was, and when he spoke her suspicions were confirmed.

"Natasha," He spoke, the name almost foreign on his lips. He hasn't called her that in ages. Natasha stopped but didn't turn to face him. "Can we talk?"

"I thought that's what you're doing right now Clint," Natasha said, usually it would have been a tease, however, there was no emotion in her voice right now.

"Please," he said. Natasha slowly turned her head to look at him before walking toward the balcony. Clint knew this was her willingness to take a step so he slowly followed in suit. Natasha took a seat near the edge.

"What do you want to talk about?" She asked not looking at him, but at the city, the people walking all the way down below.

"Natasha, I know you're angry. I know you're upset, but please know how incredibly sorry we all are," Natasha almost wanted to laugh, of course, she knew, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts, it haunts her. No apology can stop that. "after that day... everything feels apart, it came crashing down on us and not even the Avengers save someone from that kind of danger. We were foolish, but we thought they would kill you, Natasha. I couldn't lose you like that, not to your past."

"Doesn't change the fact that none of you came to me." She said emotionlessly.

" We can't change our past actions, but we can make sure our future ones are better. These last couple of months I have had to sit back and watch our years of friendship slip away. I guess I was so hell-bent on killing Yelena because I save you from that place all those years ago and I know what they did. I regret what I did, not telling you that is, but if I had the choice to go back and kill someone who was even remotely responsible for hurting you." That melted her heart just a little bit.

"Nat, every time we fight it hurts. Trust me we have had plenty of arguments over the years. This is just different, we are barely talking yet alone friends. We used to be best friends and I am struggling a lot without you here by my side." He said. "I want to know what it will take for us to be back to where we were."

"I don't know Clint." She sighed shaking her head, trying really hard to keep her calm. "Fury tells me I need to move on, Hill hasn't apologized but I know she regrets it. Tony sent me a gift basket full of very expensive wines..." She didn't even mention Steve's attempts to surprise her with dinner and a movie, failed attempts but it was still cute. " But I just can't find myself to move on from..." her voice slowly faded out.

"I understand. What you had to do..." He sighed. "We can never make up for you having to do that." he shook his head. "But that doesn't mean we won't try. Say the word Nat, and we will do what you ask."

"I don't want you guys to keep doing things for me." She said. "I am not mad... I guess you can say that I am disappointed." She sighed. "I thought that at this point in my life, you guys would trust me enough to make my own choices."

"Natash-"

"When I first came to shield..." she started. "No one trusted me, everyone looked at me like I was just an assassin, even Nick." She smiled sadly. "I mean I guess I know why, it was just how I was raised, to be a killer. I didn't want this life, but I guess it choose me. It took me years for people to not look at me like a kill number. I was finally happy with myself. I settled down... with Steve, and I had a chance at a normal life. But when this all fell apart, I looked up at you guys and I saw that look on your faces. I was scared, I was right back where I started. I felt like an assassin, I felt alone."

Clint didn't know what to say. His heart burned for her. It never really occurred to him where Natasha's mind would take her. He knew her background better then anyone, her mind was a tricky place her back then. It's something unpredictable.

"I am hanging on to the good but when I saw the blood fall from her chest all I saw was my past. My first instinct was to kill her and I hate that. What they did to me stuck, no matter how hard I tried to hide it away. That time of my life will always be there."

"I know you're trying hard to forget, but between the drinks and subtle things, the holes in my apologies " he sighed. " I never stopped to think about how you are doing. I was so focused on getting you to forgive us, but you can't do that unless you forgive yourself."

"How can I forgive myself? I killed a child, one who hasn't even started it's life Clint. What if that was Laura! I can't even-"

"Hey stop that right now." He said. "You aren't a bad person. A bad person wouldn't have thought twice about pulling the trigger. You sitting here blaming yourself is proof you're human. Natasha, this won't define you."

"It has so far. people are scared of me Clint, no one-"

" Natasha we wouldn't have done what we did if we were all afraid of you." he sighed. "We have all lost people, after Thanos, everyone has been on edge, and I just think after what happened to you," he sucked in a breath. "No one can bear to lose you. We went to extremes to bring you back Nat, we wouldn't have done that if we were scared of you."

"When I shot the gun all I saw was fear. I needed you guys but when I looked in your eyes I only saw fear." She said.

"I promise you we don't feel that way. We were scared, yes, but not of you. Nat, we all love you so much we wouldn't be begging for your forgiveness if you hated us." Clint explained. "We care about you, we thought we lost you. That's what we were really scared of. Please believe me when I say it."

"I don't see how I can move on from this one Clint," She sighed. "Everything has changed."

"We can help."

"But-"

"I know three crazy kids who love you very much and have been scared of you. One of them practically idolizes you." Clint reminded. "They miss their aunt."

"I miss them. But I shouldn't be around them, not after what I did. You shouldn't want me around them, Clint."

"Then call me crazy because I still do." He said with a sad smile.

"I can't just forget like it didn't happen."

"I am not saying you should, but maybe we can deal with this unique situation together?" he asked holding his hand out for her. "we are your family after all."

"I can't forgive everyone as easily," She said and Clint nodded his head knowing who she was talking about.

"Well not everyone is as likeable as me," He smiled, Natasha stood up to face Clint. Clint opened his arms and reluctantly Natasha walked into his arms. "I am sorry Nat,"

"I know," she answered. "I was so scared that I messed up everything I worked for," She said with a sniffle. "I don't know what to do Clint."

"We will figure it out together." He answered. "Maybe we can talk with Tony and Bruce, start explaining things there listen to one another." There was no more talking just two friends finding each other once again. Natasha found a sense of familiarity in Clint. She wished she could forgive Steve, she wanted to. She wanted to run into his arms again, feel protected from the world. All she needed was the truth, his truth. Her hearing the truth will give her the feeling that he is not afraid of her. Telling her the truth will mend what's broken. She hoped he was willing to take that step, she didn't want to lose him.

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