I smiled. 

Yeah, it was a fake smile, but at least it hid how I was really feeling. Terrified. I had never been so scared in my life. 

But I hid my emotions well. It was a handy talent I learned during the time I was engaged to Ryan for that sham of a wedding. Hiding how I felt from my parents became easy after awhile. But these people weren't my parents. They were the head of the International Adoption Agency in London. 

After we left Greece, Jackson and I stopped in London to look into adopting and to see how the process worked. I was all gung-ho for it. 

Until we got here. 

Dread washed over me as soon as we stepped inside the building. That feeling had me in a chokehold and I just wanted to runaway. But I didn't do that, either. Instead I smiled and nodded while I held Jackson's hand. Even though his eyes were on the person he was talking to, he sensed what I was feeling and squeezed my hand in comfort. He always knew when I was feeling off. 

"So here's my card," the man said, reaching into his pocket. "Call me with any questions. And if you guys decide to adopt from us, we can start the process while you're in the US and go from there." 

Jackson inclined his head and took the card from the guy who's name I forgot. "Thank you. We appreciate this. Princess?" 

I forced the words past my lips. "Thank you, uh, sir. It was very informative." 

Jackson led me through the sea of adults who wanted to adopt and the kids who needed adopting. When I saw online that there was an open house here, I jumped on it. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get the process started to having a family.

I was wrong. 

Jackson led me through the entrance of the building and I welcomed the fresh air outside. I was still a little out of it and ot took me a minute to realize that Jackson took me towards the large white fountain instead of our rental car.

He looked into my eyes with concern and worry. 

"Princess, what's wrong? And don't say nothing. I can feel the pain rolling off of you." 

I tried to answer. I opened and closed my mouth several times. I cleared my throat twice. 

"You're starting to scare me," he whispered as he cupped my cheek. 

"Jackson, I..." I squeezed my eyes tight for a second before I could finally say it. "We can't do this. I can't do this." 

His brows drew together. "What do you mean?"

As much as I wanted his touch and comfort, I took a step back from him.

"Jackson, I was so sure that this was what I wanted. What we wanted. I did the research and I weighed the pros and cons. But I..." 

I met his gaze and I wish I hadn't. His expression was unreadable. It was only like that when he had his defenses up. I've only seen him like that a few times. The first was when we were sneaking around behind Ryan's back and Jackson tried to keep me at arm's length to avoid catching feelings. The second time was when Ryan made Jackson breakup with me in an attempt tp protect me. Jackson kissed another girl in front of me to push me away. Then the last time was when we separated because of my own issues related to having a family.

Jackson eyes didn't reveal anything regarding his feelings. "You don't want a family." 

It wasn't a question. It was a statement. 

I stepped back into his body and cupped his face in my hands. "Jackson, I do want a family. More than anything. That's not what's wrong." 

"Then tell me, princess," he rasped, his defences cracking. "I'm hanging on my a thread here." 

"When we were in there and he was explaining how the pregnant mother would be giving us her baby, if we were approved, I just couldn't get past the pregnant part." I dropped my hands from his face. "I do want a family, Jackson. But I want—"

"You want to carry the baby," he finished for me. "You want to get pregnant." 

My eyes watered and I nodded. "I feel terrible. I know there are so many children out there, Jackson. Children that need homes. Does it make me a bad person that I want to carry a baby? Our baby?" 

He wiped at the tears streaming down my face. "Of course not, princess. It makes you normal." He exhaled a heavy sigh. "You know I would love nothing more than to get you pregnant, but are you sure you want to take that risk?" 

Miscarriages. 

The word was poison to me—infecting me with fear and worry. They told me that if I did get pregnant, chances were I would lose it. I told Jackson I didn't think I could go through something like that. I meant what I said to him. I still did. But we needed to at least try, didn't we?

"I know the risks," I said quietly. "Maybe we can see a specialist. Maybe we can try to see if there's anything we can do to try and not...you know, miscarry." 

When he just stared at me, I nibbled my bottom lip. 

"Please say something, Jackson." 

He pulled me into a tight hug. "If that's what you want, we will do everything we can to get pregnant, princess. Even if we have to see every specialist in New York." 

I closed my eyes tight and breathed in the earthy scent that was Jackson. The fear and anxiety slowly left my body as he held me. We could do this, I thought to myself. If there was anything Jackson and I learned over the years, it was that we were stronger together. 

We can do this.

I held the phone to my ear, pacing back and forth while it rang and rang. 

"Hello? Jackson?" 

"Ayden," I said into the receiver. "I'm sorry. I know it's late." 

There was a rustling sound on the other end of the line followed by a door closing. He probably went outside on the back porch of their house so he wouldn't wake Lanie or the baby.

"Jackson, is everything alright? It's almost four in the morning. Where are you?" 

I dropped onto the lounge chair on our balcony. "I'm home. We got here a couple hours ago. Harper's sleeping." 

"Welcome back to the states, brother. So what's with the late night call? You okay?" 

I looked through the sliding porch of our condo. My wife was sleeping in there. Probably dreaming of herself round with my child in her belly.

Christ.

"I guess everything isn't okay?"

I frowned. Oops. I guess I spoke out loud.

"You're a doctor," I stated. "I need to talk to Ayden, the doctor. Not Ayden my best friend. So everything we talk about is going to be between us. Clear? Confidentiality and all that." 

There was a brief pause. 

"Is Harper sick? Or you? Talk to me, Jackson." 

I shook my head before I realized that Ayden couldn't fucking see me since he wasn't here. 

"No," I finally said. "No one is sick." I exhaled a weary sigh. "Harper wants to try to get pregnant. She doesn't want to adopt anymore." 

"And you're scared she's going to miscarry " 

My chest tightened at the thought. "The chances are high and I don't think she'll get over something like that. I want us to have a family, Ayden, but not at the expense of a miscarriage. It would ruin her." 

The next words out of Ayden's mouth surprised me. 

"You piece of shit."

"Excuse me?" 

Ayden's voice went from concerned to annoyed. "Do you know who your wife is, Jackson? Do you? She is one of the strongest people I know. If anyone could get through something like that, it's her. Especially because she has you to support her and be there for her." 

He was right. I knew he was right. But that still didn't stop me from—

"I know you're scared," Ayden said softly. "I get it. Believe me. I know what if feels like to think your baby might bot survive. But you can't let your own fear cripple you." 

That's right. Lanie had little Nate prematurely. It had bend touch and go there for awhile. Ayden had tried to stay calm, cool, and collected around La now. But there were a few times I would find him not so calm.

"Do you think she can even get pregnant? You saw her test results right?" 

"Yes. But I'm not an OB, Jackson. I can tell you that her chances are slim, but it's not impossible." Another brief pause then I heard some clicking sounds. "Okay. I just sent you the name and contact info for a friend of mine. She's the best OB-GYN on the east coast."

"She in New York?"

"No, she's in Boston at Mass Gen. I went to school with her. If anyone will have better answers for you guys, it's her." 

I squeezed my cell phone so hard I was surprised it didn't shatter. "Thank you, Ayden. You don't know what this means to me." 

"We're family, J. This is what we do for each other. Will you keep me in the loop?" 

"Yeah. Yeah, of course." 

After we said our goodbyes I went back into our condo and grabbed some water from the fridge. I downed the bottle and threw it in the recycle bin before I returned to our bedroom. I stood by the bed and glanced down at Harper. She was tangled in the blankets, one foot out and only her lower half was covered. As always, she was wearing only my t-shirt. 

I tried to imagine her pregnant with my child. She would be an amazing mother. Nothing like the woman who birthed her. I was still nervous about being 'dad'. But I was also excited. Having a child felt right. Having a child with her felt right. Everything came back to her. 

I wouldn't be the man I am today without her. I wouldn't be in a committed relationship, married even, if it wasn't for her. She saved me. More than once. Now it was my turn to save her. 

I climbed back into our bed and spooned up behind her. I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her body flush against mine. 

She sighed and murmured my name in her sleep. 

"I love you," I whispered, placing a kiss to the top of her head. "I promise, princess, we'll have a baby. No matter what."