"Anong ginagawa natin dito? Bakit tayo nandito?" Gulat kong tanong kay Lazarus nang may mapagtanto.

I wasn't in my mind habang pauwi kami, kung saan-saan lumilipad ang isip ko dahil sa nangyari kaya hindi ko na namalayan ang daan, and when we stopped, doon ko lang napagtanto na hindi kami sa bahay tumigil.

I don't even know where we are right now. Hindi pamilyar sa akin ang paligid.

"To get some air." Tipid niyang sagot at bumaba na ng sasakyan para mapagbuksan ako sa kabila.

"What the hell? Anong kalokohan 'to!" Inis kong saad habang bumababa.

The cold air immediately greeted me when I went out of the car kaya agad akong napayakap sa sarili ko.

"Just breathe," aniya at nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko nang hubarin niya ang suot na black coat. "Wear this, it's cold."

I don't know why he's doing this pero kinuha ko nalang din ang coat mula sa kanya. Totoo naman kasi na malamig.

But it's actually nice. Maybe it could help me clear my mind, kahit na panandalian lamang.

"Thanks." I mumbled.

Lazarus didn't say anything after that, hinayaan niya lang akong maupo sa hood ng sasakyan at pagmasdan ang tanawin na nasa harapan namin.

It's an overlooking view of the city lights at ngayon ko lang napagtanto na maganda nga pala talaga.

It was able to somehow calm me down.

I let out a small smile as I looked at Lazarus' back. I think I know why he's doing this now, ayokong mag-assume, hunch lang naman 'yon. But the thought of it somehow comforts me.

I wanted to thank him but I was too shy to say those words, hanggang sa makauwi kami ay hindi ko man lang nasabi.

"How's last night?" Bungad na tanong ni Olive nang pumasok ako sa klase kinabukasan.

"It's okay," I answered as I sat beside her.

"That's good. Grabe, sobra 'yong kaba ko ngayon. My gosh! Papasa kaya ako?" she anxiously asked me at doon ko lang napagtanto na labasan na pala ng exam grades ngayon, 'yong exam na tinake naming no'ng nakaraang linggo.

Agad akong ginapangan ng kaba.

"You'll pass." I smiled at her.

I'm certain that she'd pass. She may not acknowledge it but everybody knows that she's smart. Kahit hindi masyadong nagrereview ay pumapasa pa rin.

Kung sino man ang delikado ay ako 'yon. I'm the weak one. Always.

"Sana nga. Ayoko pa mapalayas sa bahay e," she continued.

Baka ako pa ang mapalayas. I really don't know. I felt like I did my best already, pero alam ko rin... na kulang pa rin.

My palms were sweating and trembling as we waited for the results. Lagi naman akong kinabahan but I felt like today was extra different.

And when we finally received our grades, that's when I realized why.

I failed. Hindi lang isang subject kundi dalawa.

"Hey, musta grades mo?" Olive asked. "Grabe! Ang baba ng isang subject ko. Lagot ako nito."

"I failed," nakangiti kong sagot sa kanya.

"Weh? 'Di nga?" gulat niyang tanong.

I nodded and smiled as I showed her the results.

"Bagsak ako, dalawa." I uttered.

I wanted to feel bitter, I wanted to cry too like what I always do whenever I fail to get what I want. But strangely, I couldn't get myself to cry now.

Pagod. Iyon lang ang nararamdaman ko.

"Hala uy, pero okay pa 'yan. Pwede mo pa namang bawiin 'yan sa finals." Olive tried to console me.

Ngumiti ako. Alam ko naman 'yon, at alam ko rin na hindi magiging madali. But do I have a choice? Wala.

"We can do that, okay? Tutulungan kita. Magtutulungan tayo. Walang iwanan." She determinedly said and hugged me.

Wala naman akong ibang magawa kundi ang tumango at umasa... na kaya ko pa.

I looked around as I tried to spot a familiar face ngunit agad din akong napayuko nang maalala na wala nga pala siya. Lazarus isn't around, hindi ko alam kung bakit, basta absent siya. At hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko siya hinahanap. But then I laughed lightly when I realized na baka dahil iyon nasanay na ako na lagi siyang present sa mga nakakahiyang moments ng buhay ko lately. Hindi nga lang ngayon.

"Huwag mong masyadong dibdibin bebe ha, nandito lang ako. Just call me later if gusto mong pumarty, I'll go with you!" Olive reminded me before we parted ways. Tumango naman ako bilang tugon kahit na alam kong baka imposible na 'yon.

Because for sure, I'd be grounded once my parents find out about my exam results. Mainit pa naman yata ang dugo nila dahil sa nangyari sa family dinner. Parang pinatunayan ko lang kasi na isa nga akong disgrace at failure.

"Kelssey."

Agad akong nag-angat ng tingin nang marinig ang pamilyar na boses na 'yon.

"K-ken." I uttered as I felt another creeping heavy feeling within me.

Bakit niya kailangang magpakita ngayon? Of all time, why now?

Pakiramdam ko ay pinaglalaruan ako ng tadhana. Ang bigat na.

"Hi! I'm sorry, hindi ako nakapagpaalam nang maayos. I was calling you but you're not answering. I figured out na baka busy ka lang. I'm sorry, Kelssey. I just really want to see you." Nahihiya niyang saad nang makarating sa harapan ko.

Nanatili lang akong nakatingin sa kanya, not knowing the proper words I should say. Pakiramdam ko blangko ang utak ko at gusto ko nalang matulog because I'm so damn tired.

"I also want to apologize for how Hansel acted last time," he apologetically added.

I sighed. "Okay lang."

He shook his head. "It's not okay, Kels. I'll bring her to you. She needs to apologize." Dagdag pa niya at sinubukang huliin ang mga kamay ko.

Pagod akong ngumiti sa kanya at inilayo ang sarili.

"It's okay, Ken. She's just stating the truth about me. Wala namang mali sa  sinabi niya."

"But still—."

I cut him off.

"I'm not smart, Ken. Alam mo naman 'yan."

I looked away dahil ramdam ko na naman ang bigat sa dibdib ko, like I'm carrying such a huge burden that I don't know how to unload.

"Kels, no." Mahina niyang saad habang nakatingin sa mga mata ko. "I'm sorry, please... let me make it up to you."

I shook my head and slowly held out my hands so I could reach his cheek.

"I'm sorry for acting this way. I'm sorry for everything."

I'm sorry for being dumb. I'm sorry for always self-deprecating. I'm sorry for being immature.

I thought that I've already changed during the years that we didn't see each other. Akala ko kahit papaano may ipagmamalaki na ako. Akala ko rin kahit konti lang nagmature na ako.

But I guess I didn't change at all.

Because right now, I'm thinking of doing the same thing I did back then. Kasi iyon pa rin ang nakikita kong tama at nararapat.

But I don't want to hurt him again.

I closed my eyes.

This is bad. I need to go home before doing something I'd regret again.

"Kelssey, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Ken asked and held my hand.

Doon ko lang napagtanto na nanginginig na pala ang mga kamay ko.

Natataranta akong lumayo sa kanya.

"I'm okay. I just need to go home. I'm sorry." Mabilis kong saad sa nanginginig na boses bago tumalikod, tahimik na nagdadasal na sana ay huwag na niya akong sundan pa.

But that still happened.

"Kelssey, let me help you. Please," aniya at sinubukang hawakan ang mga kamay kong nanginginig.

I pushed him away.

"No, Ken. No, please..." I uttered as I held my chest. "I'll be fine alone, just please... leave me." I pleaded.

Please, please, I don't want to hurt you again.

"Kels, please. You're trembling." He muttered with his worried eyes.

Umiling ako. "We can talk, Ken. But please, not now!" Halos pasigaw kong nang sabi.

But he didn't budge, mas lalo lang siyang naging seryoso habang nakatingin sa akin.

"You're literally trembling! I can't leave you in this state, Kels! I won't leave again! Not anymore! Please..." he countered with his pleading eyes.

I bit my lip as I focused my eyes on him.

Hindi ko na kaya 'to. Pagod na ako. I want to go.

"Hindi na kita mahal." I uttered coldly as I looked into his eyes. "At kahit kailan hindi na kita mamahalin pa."

I watched how his hopeful face turned grim after what I said. I saw how he closed his eyes when tears started falling.

I watched him getting hurt in front of me again. Ito nga siguro ang papel ko sa buhay niya... ang saktan siya.

"Kaya please... tigilan mo na ako. I don't want to see you again." I added.

"Kelssey, please... just tell me what I should do. Please... give me another chance." He uttered again as he walked closer.

Muli ay umiling ako.

"Just stop, Ken. There's no chance for us anymore. I don't want to make you hope with lies. I'm sorry." Malamig kong dagdag bago tuluyang tumalikod at naglakad palayo.

I honestly don't know where to go. It seemed like I lost my sense of direction already. Lakad lang ako nang lakad. Not until I bumped into someone.

"I-I'm sorry..." I muttered and was about to walk again when that guy suddenly held my hand.

"Kelssey," he whispered my name as he pulled me into a hug.

"Tangina, Laz..." I cursed as I let myself feel the warmth of his hug.

Marahan niyang hinaplos ang buhok ko.

"I'm here, you're not alone." He uttered as he tightened the hug.

"Cry," he commanded.

Strangely, my tears seemed to have found their new master. As it wasn't long after he said that when I felt them running down my face. Like prisoners who just came out from jail after a long time of paying their sentence.