Chapter Four
John

I called Everett and told him we were coming to Wakanda so we can get past the border patrol. I should have expected that Everett would tell everyone that we were coming, and I should have expected that Soroya would want to greet us. She's standing in front of the entrance to princess Shuri's lab, with Bucky by her side and baby Olivia in his arms.

I might as well just get this over with, the more I put it off the worse it will feel. With a sigh, I get off the jet first, and the second I reach the ground, Soroya has her arms around my waist, burying her head against my chest. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and hug her back, but my movements are stiff and not as enthusiastic as hers. As she pulls back from me and smiles, I feel like my heart is physically trying to break through my ribs and burst out of my chest like in Alien.

It's a very complicated string of emotions whenever I'm around her: happiness, yearning, pain, anger, and then self loathing, all usually appearing in that exact order. Whenever I see her I get so happy, I see her smile, hear her voice, hear her laugh and I feel like I could burst from the feeling it gives me. I didn't think it was possible to feel something like this. I've had flings before, I've even had some girlfriends, but none of them made me feel even a fraction of what Soroya makes me feel. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life, but I know I can never have her. That's where the pain, anger, and self loathing come in. It's already painful enough that the woman I love doesn't love me back, but she's married and just had a baby. I'm a sick bastard for feeling and thinking the way I do about her, but I can't help it. Soroya once told me that what I wanted in life was unconditional love, and she was right, but what neither of us could have foreseen is that I would want her unconditional love.

"It's so good to see you," Soroya says, rubbing my arms, my stiff body language not lost on her. Her eyes are examining me and analyzing me as they always do, and she tries to hide her concern as she asks: "Are you doing alright?"

I shut my eyes, trying to keep my voice leveled as I respond: "I'm fine."

Soroya pulls away from me, redirecting her attention to Sam and Jade, who are now getting off of the ship. Just when I think I can have a moment to calm down, Bucky approaches me, wrapping his metal arm around me in an embrace. I return it, trying to ignore the familiar feelings of guilt and anger that always appear whenever I am around him. My life would be easier if I hated him, if I resented him for being married to Soroya and fathering her child, but I don't. Not only is he my friend, but he's genuinely the one of the greatest men I've ever met. He's a better man than I'll ever be, who has been through so much hardship and heartbreak. If I hate anything, I hate that I can't be happy for him, I hate that I wish it was me instead of him.

When Bucky pulls back I glance down at Olivia, who stares up at me in curiosity, her steel blue eyes identical to her father's. She's beautiful, just like her mother.

I'm grateful that Sam suggests we go down and talk to Shuri, because it allows me to leave the others behind and walk ahead. I need to clear my head, try to calm myself down. I probably looked like a mess out there, like a complete jackass. I know that everyone knows about how I feel, but I like that we all pretend that no one knows, but it's hard to pretend we all live in blissful ignorance when I act like a bumbling idiot.

Shuri and the other Wakandan scientists are running around to and fro, working on various projects that look way too complicated for me to understand. I spot Shuri talking to General Okoye on her Kimoyo Beads, and once she sees me, she shuts the transmission off and walks over towards me, extending her hand out.

"It's good to see you again, Major."

I grab onto her hand and shake it. "You, too, your highness."

She lets go of me and walks towards her work table, turning on all of her computers and scanners, preparing for whatever she might need. "What do you need help with? Everett mentioned that you want me to make something."

"They're handcuffs," Sam replies for me as he makes it to the last step on the stairs, the others not too far behind him. "We need them to temporarily take away the abilities of three enhanced children we're trying to catch."

"Did Ross say how they got their abilities?" Shuri inquires, accepting the design Sam gives her.

I glance back at Sam and Jade, who both knit their brows together as they try to remember if Ross did disclose that information or not. I don't think he did. I turn back to the princess and shake my head. This makes her scoff, clearly not surprised by my answer. "Everett's been hearing about enhanced children popping up with no explanation, most are saying they were born with their abilities, but it's all very fishy if you ask me."

"What do you mean?"

Shuri looks at me like I'm an idiot, she probably thinks I am. "Enhanced children are popping up with no explanation, and Ross is sending you to capture them and won't tell you anything about them. It sounds to me like he's trying to clean up his own mess."

"You think Ross made these children?" Jade asks softly.

Shuri shrugs. "Not him specifically, but under his orders. Maybe when you capture these kids you should ask them how they got their powers. I doubt they will keep information as close to the chest as Ross is."

Shuri makes some excellent points, she's left the three of us with a lot to think about. I didn't even consider that this is a clean up job, but the more I let what Shuri said sink in, the more it makes sense. I wouldn't put it past Ross to do something like that. I glance over my shoulder at Sam and Jade, finding their expressions still contorted in thought. I think they're still grappling with the idea of Ross being behind this. I guess we'll find out who's behind this once we capture the kids, I hope for all our sakes that Shuri is wrong.

As Shuri begins to work on the cuffs, Soroya suggests we go back to hers and Bucky's house. As much as I don't want to go, I agree to go anyways, because I have no excuse to stay here in the lab besides the obvious, and we're all pretending that no one knows the obvious. It's a very awkward and frustrating dance that we do around the truth, but it's better than talking about it.

Soroya and Bucky's house is on the edge of the main city of Wakanda. It's pretty big, three floors, painted light brown on the inside and outside. The whole house is decked out in Shuri's tech, between holographic screen TVs, a whole room filled with training equipment and weapons, and a keypad full of buttons that do various things to the house. With a click of a button you could put the whole house on lockdown, or reveal secret compartments and holograms for Avenger business. Each room is decorated with pictures of their friends and family, or of old fashioned movie posters. In the living room there are two bookshelves, one with movie cases, and one with records. Soroya mentioned once that they have three record players in the house: one in the living room, one in their bedroom, and one in her personal dance studio next to the training room. The furniture is all tan or cream, really comfortable according to the comments I hear from Sam and Jade as they sit down on the living room couch. Soroya sits down in the chair across from them, beginning to inquire about their mission so far and the visit to Dr. Litvin. Olivia starts crying when they begin to talk, so he takes her to her nursery to give us some peace and quiet.

I really don't know what to do with myself right now. I could stay in the kitchen, but that makes it seem like I'm avoiding Soroya, which I am, but she doesn't need to know that. I could go into the living room and contribute to the conversation, but being within a few feet of her makes me want to claw my own heart out. I decide to go and see Bucky, I figure that's the best course of action, it allows me to avoid Soroya and avoid looking like I'm avoiding her.

Olivia's nursery is across the hall from Soroya and Bucky's bedroom. It's painted the same brown as the rest of the house, with a crib in one corner, a changing table next to it, a huge bin of toys near the door, and a rocking chair across from the crib. Bucky is sitting in the rocking chair with Olivia in his arms, who has stopped crying and is now sleeping peacefully in her father's arms.

"She's very pretty." I tell him, trying to keep my voice down.

Bucky smiles, responding without taking his eyes off of his daughter: "She's perfect. She looks just like her mother."

I lean against the doorway and cross my arms, smiling at the sleeping infant. "She does."

Bucky finally lifts his eyes to meet mine, his foot tapping softly on the ground as he rocks back and forth in the rocking chair. "Are you doing alright, John?"

I nod. "Never been better."

He gives me a knowing look, clearly not convinced by my response. "If being with Soroya has taught me anything, its that you should talk about what you're going through."

"I'm pretty comfortable repressing my emotions and avoiding confrontation."

"It won't get better until you talk about it."

"Even if I sing like a canary it won't change anything."

Bucky glances back down at Olivia, tightening the baby blanket wrapped around her body. He leans down and kisses her forehead, beginning to stand as slowly as possible so he doesn't wake her. He sets her down in her crib, and once he sees that she won't wake up, he sits back down in the rocking chair, saying to me pretty frankly: "The longer you avoid Soroya, the worse it will get."

I feel complete and utter panic rise in me, and as I open my mouth to speak, I hear no words come out, it's like my tongue has become numb.

After a minute and a half, I'm able to form coherent words and give the lame reply: "I-I don't know what you're talking about."

Bucky leans back in the rocking chair, surprisingly calm. "I'm not stupid, John. I don't need animal senses to tell how you feel about her, it's obvious."

I figured he knew, but I never would have guessed he would confront me about it, or that he would be so calm. Honestly his calm demeanor scares me a bit. "I'm confused. Why are you telling me to go talk to your wife about my love for her? Shouldn't you be kicking my ass and warning me to stay away from her?"

Bucky shakes his head, still the picture of calm. "I'm not insecure about my relationship, John, I know what she and I have. And she's perfectly capable of kicking your ass if she wanted to, but she won't because she cares about you, and so do I. She's worried about you, we both are, you don't hide your feelings as well as you think you do. I think if you stop avoiding her, you'll start to feel better."

I slump down against the doorway, letting out a long sigh. For some reason his honesty and kindness to me right now is worse than anger and resentment. I'd rather him kick my ass and scream at me, not only do I deserve it, but it would give me a reason to not confront my feelings. I hate that he's being a good friend and encouraging me to do so.

"Why don't you hate me for this? Act like a normal person would: be angry, scream at me, call me a worthless piece of shit."

Bucky gives me a look like the answer to my question is obvious. "If anyone is sympathetic to your situation it's me. I'm in love with her, too. And before we were together, I spent a few years believing she didn't love me back. It was torture. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. Besides, you're not trying to sabotage my relationship, you're not trying to hurt either one of us, so why would I be a territorial ass? You can't control how you feel, even though I know you wish you could."

I lean my head against the wall, shutting my eyes. "You have no idea."

Bucky now leans forward in the rocking chair, resting his elbows on his knees, rubbing his hands together, dropping his voice lower. "Talk to her, get everything off your chest, don't hold back. It will help."

"I can't, at least not right now," I tell him, my eyes drifting to the crib. "It's too painful."

"Whenever you're ready. And I'm here if you need me, too."

I let out a laugh, opening my eyes and locking them onto his, that familiar guilt setting in once again. "I don't deserve you as a friend."

"You do."

I hear a footsteps from behind me, and I turn around to see Sam approaching the doorway, informing us: "Shuri finished the cuffs."

I push myself off the ground and follow Sam back into the living room, feeling my heart stutter once I see Soroya smiling at Jade. I don't know what they were talking about, but whatever it was, it's made Jade look much happier than she has for a few days. Soroya has a habit of doing that, of making everyone's lives better.

"We'll call you when we complete our mission." Jade says, bringing in Soroya for an embrace.

"Please do, I want to hear everything."

Bucky has reentered the room as well, and he goes to hug Jade and then Sam, while Soroya makes her way around her couch over to me, her now being the stiff one as she embraces me. I bet she heard everything Bucky and I said in the nursery, I try to ignore that as I hug her back, not wanting to die of embarrassment at this moment.

When I pull back from her I give her a mostly sincere smile, telling her: "We'll talk soon. Alright?"

She nods, and by the expression on her face, I guarantee she heard the nursery conversation. "Whenever you're ready."

Soroya goes to hug Sam and Bucky does the same for me, clasping my back and muttering under his breath: "Be careful."

I pat his back and return his embrace, muttering back: "They're kids, how hard can it be."