"Men should think twice before making widowhood women's only path to power." ~ Gloria Steinem

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After I narrowly make my escape from the clutches of Medieval English, I walk into yet another less than awesome gym class with Captain Midnight. Chad is his usual idiotic awesomeness, takes a page from his big book on Building Men Out Of Boys, and orders an importune game of "Dodge My Balls" in the gym. Based on the maniacal gleam in his eye, I am thinking that Chad is super psyched up about this idea. I have my usual freshmeat swim team Satan gang hanging around me now, thinking I will protect them from Chad's balls games.   

Five minutes into this juvenile stupidity program, I am already totally uncool with this crap. Abrams gets a bloody nose after he is beaned in the face several times, the last strike by the psychotically laughing Cap't himself. Turns out that Brother Lee's, for all his decided lack swimming acumen, actually has a damn decent throwing arm. So Brother Lee's pretty much ends up as the last man standing after every round. After the first ball game, Sporka pulls a Gandhi, sitting down in peaceful protest right the middle of our side of the court, and just waits to get tagged out. So I decide to join Sporka in the non-violent protest against Chad's ball games. Just because I know it will piss him off even more than before.  

The upside of our peaceful protesting is that I don't really need to take a shower after gym class. So I am right on time for lunch on Devil-May-Care Island. I roll out early to our usual spot by the battle banner to find a real rarity. May is actually waiting for me with April, who looks inordinately pleased with herself. Just one glance at May's sinister sister, and I can tell that April is in full in fearleader mode today. All decked out in her lovely loathing, and just can't wait to "Bring it on!".   

"And he's here ...again." April drones boredly in her cheery worst. "And contrary to the popular opinion to the contrary, apparently still stupidly alive and kicking bricks."  

I can only assume by all the faux-cheery coming off April, it's been another banner day in Hell for her coven of cheer. Or that she must be sorely disappointed that I won't be needing that new wheelchair, in order to come to school for the next couple of months.

"Hey, Dare." May grins grimly. 

"Zup, Maybe." I drop into my spot on the benches across from the Grimm sisters.

"So little lunch buddy, what's new with you, dude? Anything interesting happening in your life recently?" Someone's Sister slices sinister smiles at me. "Say cause I heard a rumor ya made some new bestie buddies down at Da Frost yesterday, huh?"

"Yeah, you could say whatever." I shrug her off as irrelevant again. "Had a meet-n-greet with Butchy and the boys at the Frosty spot. Then some kid named Slater got his ass handed to him sideways for starting some static he couldn't finish. So that was another interesting lesson in the local lingo."

"Look at you making some loving memories and with the Butcher to boot?" April smirks snidely. "Man'o'man do you not know how to make new enemies."

"Naw not enemies ...we're more like best frenemies for life." I smile slices right back into her. 

Right on cue as if I had planned it this way, my new best buddy Butcher strolls by, with half a dozen of his boys in tow. The Butcher smirks and slows his roll to a sudden stop. 

"Heya, Apes." Butchy nods down his massive blonde brick head, probably trying to see down her low cut V cheer top. "So see ya alter over there on our side of the shelter, ya?"

"Heya, Butchy. So I'll see ya when I see ya." Of course, April smiles dulcet up at The Butcher. Because after all, he did come out for my blood. So this obviously pleases her immensely on some small level. But much to her vapid surprise it turns out that this monster has come in peace after all, and to fulfill his end of the deal with the devil.

"Heya Maybe, it's me Butchy from dummy math." He bellows a little louder than normal. As if May might be hard of hearing as well as blind. Which I'm sure in the strange sad world of the Butcher this would probably make some sense. Seeing the dark is probably a very scary place for him too.

"Nice to see you too, Butchy." May drones slowly, holding her next breath waiting for the next hit.

"Oh...hey Surfer D." Butchy chin checks me in the customary cool guy greeting.

"Hey, Butchy." I chin check him back.

"So we all cool, right?" Butchy over emphasizes with big brick head bobs, as if I too need a clue to remember this a mornings talking time.

"I'm cool, Butch." I bob back. "What about you? You cool?"

"I'm always cool." Butchy snorts to the amusement of the many minions, most of which I am starting to recognize as the Butcher's Boys. "I gotta say, you got big balls Surfer Deenz."

"Ah...you too, Butch?" Now suddenly everyone around feels the highly uncomfortable awkwardness from this exchange of testicular compliments.

"Okay, good talk. Alter." Butchy grunts and lumbers off with the horde of henchmen towards his court, before things get any weirder.

"Okay, alter?" I try to agree with him.

"What the actual flock was that shit?" April murmurs, and turns back on the attack glaring her daggers at me.

Apparent Someone's Sister didn't get the popular pod people memo this morning. The one that said me and Butchy are all coo'cool now? So everyone else can just go back hating each other on the regular again.

"Are we cool too, Apes?" I smile smoothly at the fool.

"Not even." She snaps back, but before she can counter attack May checks her sister time.

 "So other than Butchy, did you make any other new friends I should know about since I last let you out of my sight?" May makes light of our obvious on-going hostility.

Which brings up something else that's been bothering me, namely April Fool's little spy Guys Mike.

"Well let's see? Other than my freshmeat swim team gang, there's Butchy, Busty, and Boomy. Oh yeah ...and Guys Mike." I eye April hard to let her know I am on to her little game of Secret Squirrels. "We write little love notes after lunch about nothing much in History, while Striker drones straight from the Big Book of Americana for an hour."

"Guys Mike? As in Micheal Tolliver?" May suddenly seems all kinds of unhappy now.

"Yeah, I think that might be his roll call name. Why, friend or foe?" I lean back and wait for the next foolish move in our ongoing game of Death by Cheer.

"No reason." May shakes her head and pulls out her watch again and hands it over to her sinister sister with a sharp snap.  

"Isn't it already time for you to be on your way, April?" May intones coldly. "People to slay, mean things to say?" 

"Okay May, have it your way. I'll be back at five till." April snaps the ornate timepiece closed and hands it back to May. Then without another word edgewise, departs to claw her way to the top of the popular people.   

I catch that I may have stepped into something between them again. Because that thing they keep doing with May's pocket watch is starting to seem like a trigger thing to me. Cause contrary to May's usual innuendo insult thrown out in the wake of her sinister sister's disappearing act, May remains silent and stone-cold still.

"Was it something I said?" I inquire blandly in April's passing away.

"Yeah, actually this time it was." May frowns down at her ornate timepiece, running her finger along the circumference. "The only question is, did you just do that on purpose, because you're still not happy with me from last night? Or just to scorch with my sister's soul a little for being bitchy?"

"Do what now?" I ask askance, trying to figure out where this suddenly took a left turn into the strange.

"Bringing up Michael into the mix?" She sighs sadly. "Look, I get the whole you don't fight fair thing, but April's my sister. And I know that she can be a little hostile and bitchy sometimes? But let's be very clear on something ...only I get to say super shitty things to her. So I'm sorry to say, but that privilege doesn't extend to you. It's a sister only thing, okay?"

"Okay May." I slowly feel my way through this new minefield. "But after we talked this morning, I don't have any issues with you that I know of? You just asked me if I made any other new friends? So I said, 'Yeah, a couple of stupid freshmen in PE and Guys Mike.' So what's the problem? Because you pretty much lost me at the whole, only I get to say shitty things to my sister and you don't. Which I totally get that whole, I am my sister's keeper thing you're preaching. But I honestly have zero idea what we are talking about anymore."

"So you're telling me, that you didn't know about our history with Micheal? Not a clue when you threw him out there as your new 'little love note' pen pal?" May scowls out seriously. 

"Naw, not a clue." I am suddenly feeling very out of my depth in the local waters. "The only thing I know about him, other than the obvious? Is that he claimed he knew you both from someplace called the Hunt Club? But other than that, not so much. Why?"

"That's the country club that both our families belong to." May is scowling out hardcore now.  "And that's all Micheal said to you about me and my sister? Nothing else?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much all he had to say about April." I hedge ever so slightly, because I can sense I've stepped sideways into something seriously strange here. "So I have to ask, what's the deal with this history you speak of? And all the third-degree burns, that I am starting to sense are about to come my way?"

"Bad karma." May intones coldly. "And lots and lots of dramada."

"Yeah, I'm kinda picked that up." I try to stay neutral in whatever war I just started. "So you mind explaining to me what I just stepped in? So I can own it or not?"

"Okay." May nods slowly, and I can tell she is starting to hedge now. "So do you want the long version or the short version?"

"Let's go with short, and I'll ask for clarifications if and when I need them." I go with the obvious choice. 

"Okay, so the short version is that we grew up together with Micheal, more or less." May slowly rocks back and forth. "So needless to say we have some hard history with him and his family. Or I should say that Micheal and April in particular, have history together. That didn't end very well for anyone in this tragic tale ...but most of all for my sister."

"Why cause Guy Mikes is gay? And April is ...well April? So I'm guessing Someone's Sister didn't appreciate not being the center of every boy's adoration." I take a wild guess in the wrong direction. "Yeah, I could see how she might not like the fact that he wouldn't worship the ground she walks on, like all the other boys."

"Oh dude, you are so far off base on that, it's not even funny." May shakes her head sadly.

"Okay, let's go with longer version then." I give up trying to suss out the strange tale of this obvious tragedy waiting to happen. "Cause I am really not getting a clear picture of what's the problem here."

"Well, it's not like it's a super-secret or anything anymore." May sighs sadly, before launching in on the strange tale of April's Fool origin story. "So the sad truth is for a long time, and I mean for years, Michael actually did worship the ground she walked on. Or at least so she thought."

"From the time April started first grade and Mike was in third grade they were friends to the end. You might even say inseparable even? Nothing really serious on the outside at first, but then April started crushing hard on Micheal around fourth grade? And when they went to the Hunt Club summer camp together, he kissed her for the first time. So two summers ago, they finally started going around together officially ...whatever the hell that means?"

"Okay, that's something?" And I am having a really hard time visualizing April's Fool crushing on anything besides testicles. Especially seeing she's been busting mine since the first moment I met her. Because May's sinister sister is a bone breaker extraordinaire, that could give the ol' Irish Antichrist a run for her money in emasculation agendas.

"Yeah, Michael was a lot more than just something to her." I sense deflection of May's part, and chalk it up to she is trying really hard not to tell me all the things I never wanted to know about April's sad sexing life. "Micheal was her first crush, first kiss, first boyfriend. And just about first everything else short of her first "First", if you get my drift?"

"Got it." I try to shake the shiver of that mal thought away.

"So while she was going around with Michael for almost an entire year, I guess he finally figured out he was gay after all." May steels stonily. "And in the process of figuring out who he was, he ended up almost destroying my sister in the aftermath of all that."

"Oh ...shit. Yeah, I am starting to see what the problem might have been." April, who must have been a bragging like a junior high girl with a big high school boyfriend, got burned hard. "And of course, everyone knew about his truth before she did? So she got slammed into the rocks even harder when it all came out?"

"It actually it was way worse than that." May heaves a heavy sigh and shakes her head sadly. "Because Michael, in a moment I can only describe as unbelievable sheer stupidity, made a terrible mistake. Instead of telling April the truth about himself, he told my mother instead. And then to make it all even worse, he asked my mother to tell April his truth ...for him."

"What the hell did he do that for?" I interject amazed at the sheer stupidity of that move.

"Again history." May sighs slowly. "First, you have to understand something about the Grimm family situation. My mother is not a very nice person."

"To give you an idea of just she not nice she is, my mother's outside name is Monet. Just like the French impressionist painter who she was named after, who's paintings sell for millions at auction. So I don't think it was too much of a stretch when we renamed her 'Money', the French pronunciation of Monet. Because apparently, that's all she actually cares about, The Money."

"But we try not to hold that against her anymore. Because we've all come to realize that you really can't judge people for who they love. And my mother loves her money more than anything ...maybe even herself." May shrugs this final observation off as irrelevant to the current.

"So anyways, at some point around the end of school last year. The Momster somehow finally catches the drift from another Hunt Club mother, that April and Micheal were something a little more serious than just family friends? So in typical Momster fashion, she went on a rampage, doing all her typical stupid stuff. Searching thru Aprils room for clues, checking her computer, reading her fake diary. Then she started lecturing April constantly that guys only want one thing ...The Money."

"You see my Momster's prevailing philosophy is that boys will only use you. At first for sex, when it's convenient, but all they're really after is your money." May slowly shakes her head. "Because according to the Momster, girls need to protect what's between their legs. But even more importantly it's what's in your bank account that matters the most. Because by yourself you're not really good enough to be loved for who you are, but only what you have."

"Wo, that is some pretty heavy hate." I intone at the totality of that life philosophy.     

"Yeah well, let's just say that she has her reasons for this belief. Not particularly good reasons mind you, but nonetheless, they're hers and she likes them." May snorts. "Anyways my mother's life philosophy aside, the main problem is that now the Momster is on a tirade rampage. And she is not getting the appropriate amount of being blindly obeyed that she's grown accustomed to. So she is not having that at all."

"So every Memorial Day the Hunt club throws this big barbecue with fireworks. All the right families, all the screaming little brats in the pool ...yay. It's like a traditional start the summer season thing, and everyone who is anyone is there."

"Well, everyone of course, except for me and April. Cause April was sick with the girl flu, and I hate fireworks with a passion, for all the obvious reasons. Starting with I can't see them, and loud unexpected explosions overhead tend to startle the crap out of me. Not to mention giving me massive migraines."

"And after all, what's the point of dragging little blind me along anywhere really? It's not like I'm gonna see anything new anyways, right?" May snorts derisively to reemphasize the obvious. "Probably another reason that the Grimm father doesn't take me to the gun range on daddy-daughter AK day? Just saying."  

"Anyways..." May sighs sadly through the sordid tale. "According to what little I learned later from Michael, my mother cornered him at the barbecue. Then started giving him the old stay away from what's left of my daughter's virginity, and more importantly her future trust fund lecture."

"But I guess Micheal wasn't responding in a manner that she thought was apropos to her tried and true tirade terror tactics? So of course, she had to push her hate on him even harder, because she just wasn't getting the right resonance back. So then, probably just to shut her up, Micheal blurts out his big truth. That Money really doesn't have anything to worry about Aprils anything, because he's actually gay."

"But of course the Momster doesn't really believe him ...at least not at first." May shakes her shades in negation. "But now that the big gay genie is out of the bottle, Michael is determined to see this out to the bitter end. So he tells her his whole truth, that he's a hundred percent gay'gay. And oh-by-the-way, why don't you go ahead and tell that to April that for me. So that he won't have to deal with having to face April and tell her his truth. You know, so he can spare my sister's feelings and stuff?"

"Damn dude..." I whistle out low and long. "Talk about how not to come out of the closet to your new ex-girlfriend."

"Ya think?" May snorts savagely in agreement. "Now I don't know if my mother was the first person that he officially came out to? But I do know that she was probably the worst person he could have come out to."

"Because when my parents walked into the house that night to give April the good news? My Momster couldn't have been more pleased with herself. Probably because The Money was safe again." May takes a deep breath before pushing on with this tragic tale of Someone's Sisters lost love.  

"So April and I were watching Casablanca in the entertainment room. Well, I was obviously listening and April was lying next to me on the couch dozing off her cold medicine. When the Momster walks in and wakes April up laughing in her face. Then she proceeds to tell my sister that she has to the lady doctor in the morning so that they can start testing her for AIDS. Because she probably has "The Gay Aids" now from all the gay gays she'd been sexing herself with."

"April of course, tells her straight up that she does want to or need to get an Aids test. Because she hasn't done anything AIDS worthy to test. But my mother's specialty is child crushing cruelty." May intones coldly. "So Momster goes on to inform April 'that yes you have been doing Aids things whether you know it or not. You're are probably already infected with the gay AIDS right now, which is why you are really sick. So you don't have a summer cold, you have the AIDS plague and you are going to die."

"By now of course, April is freaking out and yelling back my mother, demanding to know what the hell she is talking about. And then Momster drops her cruelest hooks of all into my sister soul." May shivers slightly at the memory of this horror story.

"She tells April that, 'Well your Michael just informed me he is a hundred percent 'The Gay'. So it doesn't matter what you've done? You are getting AIDS because the boy that you've been kissing for the last year, at least according to your diary is 'The Gay'. And even if you did nothing but kiss him, you are still kissing all the boys that he kissed before he kissed you. And all of the penises of all the boys that he kisses, that are all covered in the AIDS. Not to mention that you've been kissing a mouth that has done things to penises that have probably been in other boys' bottom holes. And hell knows how many other things were in those holes first. So you're probably already dead inside anyways, we just need to make sure before we send you off somewhere else to die alone."

"Holy hell, that was seriously harsh." I am having trouble trying to wrap my mind around that mindset, and getting nowhere fast. Because that kind of hate is so far outside my normal, it's almost too crazy even for me to comprehend, and I am half Insanistani.  

"Oh yeah, my Momster just loves her stereotypes." May shrugs. "No clue whatsoever if Michael was doing anything with anyone or not? But that wasn't going to slow her hate down, even a little."

"Sounds like it must have been one hell of a talking day at the Grimm house." I commiserate.    

"Ya think?" May snorts sadly. "So the Momster just jumped right into Michael is gay and therefore April must have AIDS now, so she has to go get tested. Because we needed to know for sure when she is going to get sick and die, for the lawsuit. Because of course, my father is going to sue the living crap out of the Tolliver's for all April's AIDS-related cremation expenses. After all, April's body can't be buried in the traditional Grimm family graveyard, cause she might get the grass sick."

"Damn..." I mean I don't think I would ever refer to April as exactly innocent per se? But still, that was a pretty harsh pogrom to run on a girl, right after her first breakup ...devastatingly harsh. And I am starting to so see this as exactly the kind of thing that could twist a little girl up into ...well ...someone exactly like May's sinister sister?

"So I take it the Aids test was negative then?" I pry positively hopeful.

"Yep. And the next three after that, that they made her take every single month for the rest of the summer. Until it was a hundred percent certain that she wasn't a plague carrier, and could once again use all the bathrooms in the house ...not just mine." May snorts derisively. "Cause apparently my bathroom was okay with the AIDS. You know, cause I'm blind, so I don't really need lights in my bathroom anyways? Yes, little known medical fact about "The Gay AIDS",  is that apparently it is very afraid of the dark." May finishes dryly. "Who knew?"

"I was not aware of that little-known fact, either." I try to shrug that off as the hopefully the joke it was meant to be, and not another sad but true truth about growing up Grimm. "But I have to ask, so what did your father say about all this?"

"Honestly? Not too much." May shrugs. "When my Momster decides to go on a righteous rampage? You always have to honestly ask yourself, just how much do you really care about getting in the middle of that temper tantrum tirade? And in that particular case, because it wasn't about The Money? So daddy didn't really have much to say at the time."

"Although later I did find out that he did rather impolitely tell the Tolliver's, that if April did indeed come down with anything because of their son? That he was going to press charges for attempted murder on all of them. And of course, he just had to throw in that if their gay boy didn't already have the Aids? That he was sure as shit that Micheal would pick it up when he was busy entertaining all his new special shower friends in prison. Because that's where all the Aids people are put, so they can't keep killing innocent little girls with their deadly penis diseases."

"Man, that must have been unbelievably bad for her." I cannot believe this, but I actually feel seriously sorry for April? And for at least half of the not nice things I have thought about her. 

"Well, it wasn't easy, but if my sister's anything she is resilient. So she's tried very hard to put it all behind her ...no pun intended." May smirks wryly, before continuing on contritely. "Before school started she even went to go meet Michael for the first time since the summer. She told him that she accepted everything and no hard feelings, but that at the same time she also didn't really want to be friendly anymore. And while she could have eventually accepted him being Otherwise engaged? The whole blindsided betrayal thing with my mother was the worst part of the whole thing for her."

"What about you and Mike? Where do we stand with that?" Cause now I'm thinking of my own pen pal problems. "Cause I have a feeling me and Guys Mike aren't going to be writing any more love notes in class anymore."

"Actually, Micheal and I have talked a couple of times since April's awesome Aidspocalypse." May muses out at me. "Honestly, I was pretty pissed at him for a while, but not because he finally figured out who he was. Truth be told, I sort of suspected that something was 'Otherwise' about him when he started wearing cute cologne a couple of years back."

"But I let him know I was a lot more mad at him for how he handled. Because instead of manning up and just facing the issue with April, he basically set her up to get blindsided by my mother." May shakes her head sadly. "Micheal knew my mother, well enough to know exactly what kind of sideways could come out of arming her with that news, and the likely outcome of that for everyone involved. So he should have known damn well, just how badly Momster was going to take it out on April in the aftermath. And any minor humiliation that could have been put on April by whoever for whatever, was nothing compared to what my mother is capable of when given an ax to grind."

"Yeah, I think I'm just starting to grok the fullness of that now." I look back into the situation and am just starting to see how horrible this scenario turned out for everyone involved.

"Ya think?" May shakes her head unhappily. "The worst part was, not only did April lose her first love to an Other? But because of my Momster, my sister ended up really getting twisted up in a lot of ways. And no matter what she says otherwise, I don't think that she is really over everything." May hedges again. "I think some of the choices that she makes are still reactions to that moment. The moment that my mother decided to crush her spirit, rather than actually help her through what was turned out to be a pretty traumatic time." 

"So anyways, that's the sad saga of April and Micheal's dramada." May waives this all away. "And obviously why we weren't too thrilled when you brought up writing 'little love notes' with Micheal. So any thoughts you'd like to share now, one way or the other?"  

"Well, other than I swear I had zero idea about any of this, and am a whole lot of I'm sorry I ever opened my mouth." I overly attempt to assure her of my innocence. "I'm actually seriously sorry to hear that April had to go through all that. It must have been unbelievably awful on so many levels? Although I suppose that does explain some of Someone's Sisters eccentricities."

"What do you mean by eccentricities, exactly?" May sows out at me.

"I'm not really sure what else you would call the flirtation fixation thing between her and Butcher?" I share my own secret squirrel nut from my morning hug with a monster. 

"Oh, that eccentricity?" May nods along. "Yeah well, let's just say that one huge upside of that particular eccentric play is that there are no hidden agendas there. You know exactly what you are getting with that big slice of stupid, no other way about it."

"Yeah, cause in order to have another hidden agenda, you'd have to be able to hide something. Then remember you hid that something somewhere to have find again. And as I have only recently come to learn, remembering some things is not exactly that dude's forte."

"Yeah, well you might be surprised." May quirks a sly smirk. "At least he knew it was Friday that once a time." 

"Broken clocks, bro." I snort butchering up some illogical. "After all he had a one in seven chance at that math. And it was a school, so that eliminated Saturday and Sunday from his guess list. And he was wearing his jersey again ...so it was maybe a game day? And game day is always Friday, so..."

"So by process of elimination, huh?" She finishes my math problem with a flourish.

"Only problem is it's not Friday." I muse mathematically for her amusement. "It's still only still two tomorrow's before Friday yesterday day."

"Sadly after having that once numbers class with Butch for the last three a years, I actually know what you meant." May snortles along in full agreement. "So now that we have solved the mystery of why I still share a bathroom with my sister. So speaking of crapola, what's up for lunch anyways?"  

"Would you believe I went with the traditional plain peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and maybe brownies today?"

"Oooo are they the special kind that make you see colors? You know I've always secretly wanted to see the color girl?" May drones dryly. 

"You're not ever going to let that one go, are you?" I sad sigh over for her benefit.

"Not even a little." May snorts savagely. "Now fork over those brownies bro, before my addiction kicks in. And I have to do something not nice to you, with this here handy dandy stupid boy smacking stick they let me carry around for just such occasions."

"You don't have to tell me twice." I laugh. Then immediately handing over the cube of chocolate goodness, and consider it a small price to pay for my unintentional slight on her sinister sister. 

Because I might be boy dumb, but I'm not totally "stupid new no more".  Because I learned a long time ago ...never make a Queen ask nice twice. Or you might get the slice, and end up losing your head for the rest of your short life.