"I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience."  ~J.D. from Heathers

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Wednesday - September 9th  

So everything was pretty much the same as the day before. Save for May is waiting for me in homeroom to resume our morning repartee during Important Announcements. Butcher glares at Or'sir and repeats the phrase "I don't know" a record amount of times. Which I think also might the answer to where he is planning to hide the mutilated Hobbit corpse more than anything else.

Today in PE with idiots instead of a swim meet, we get a surprise eight-minute mile around the track, just to see who can't run. Seeing I can run the mile in under seven on beach sand, running around a flat track on solid ground is pretty much a no-brainer for me.

Unfortunately for the rest of the freshmeat it's a death sentence, with the exception of the obvious athletes like Acosta and Brother Lee's. The rest of the class are either too small, too weak, or in Sporka's case ...way too rotund to even try to make it around the track on time. Which I am pretty sure is Chad's point, the ol' 'you have a long way to go before you're considered men' in my book ...whatever Chad's book of choice is? 

So Sporka in his infinite wisdom decides to fake a twisted ankle on the first turn and just sit out the rest of the run smiling. Of course, Chad takes malingering move as a personal insult to his manly book. Then makes the poor fat bastard do sit-ups for the entire time we run around in circles until Sporka is ready to pass out.

To be honest, running around in circles is a something I learn to love and loathe at the same time. I love it because running builds up my endurance, and I loathe it because I will always do twice as much as any other kid in my class. As Chad routinely "forgets" to time my mile the first time around. Oddly I think Chad is actually doing me a favor with all this nonsense. Because due to his slightly psychotic nature I will probably end up being in the best shape of my life by Christmas.  

So no thanks to Chad's clock management skills, by the time I shower and change, I am running slightly behind schway'dule for my standing lunch date at the grim spot. I have also made the decision that our lunch spot should probably have a better name besides The Grim Spot. Personally, I think Devil-May-Care Island has a nice ring to it. So by the time I arrive May has already settled in at our spot next to the battle banner and is sitting alone. I also note that she is not looking particularly pleased to be sitting alone and so exposed among the rest of the flocks.

I can barely get out "Hey May" before the Sinister Sister suddenly appears and drops off May's lunch tray down next to her.

"It's Sloppy Joe day, May. Enjoy. Be back at five till."  April instructs and immediately starts to fade away like a shade.

"I will, even though I know you don't mean it."  May sings back so sweetly it stings. "And please try not to get to pregnant ...before de playoffs."

"As if."  April snorts in retort. 

With a whip crack snap of her ponytail, the witch is long gone back to the welcoming arms of her spirit coven. It's starting to seem to me like April's role in our lunch life has been regulated down to that of a highly irritated waitress. Well, save for the obligatory slicing stare she gives me over her shoulder, as she claws and snaps her way along the flocking throng and safely back to the shiney side of the shelter.

"Is she still around?" May frowns around.

"No, Someone's Sister is way gone." I take my seat. "She bolted straight over to the little letter leatherheads with the rest of the future stem cell donor squad."

"Who or what are the little letter leatherheads?" May tilts her head in inquiry.

"Those varsity football jocks who wear letterman jackets and talk about nothing besides "The Team", "The Coach", "The Game'. Oh, and how much they're looking forward their next highly homoerotic shower scene in the big boy's locker room after the big ball game. But you know ...not in the gay way of course. Cause they totally hate all "those faggots" from the Other team."

"Which is kind of strange if you ask me? Cause personally, I think the whole thing is just a cover for the real action. Traveling all over, meeting all those sweaty big boys from other schools. Then rolling around in the grass, tackling each other and trying to touch balls ...and scoring."  eah, I'm starting to think I might be spending too much time around Chad lately? I am starting to fear that his sickness might be starting to rub off on me.

"You know all those sports metaphors are like code for like what's really going on?" I drop my voice sotto voce. "Just think Joan Crawford postcards, mineral water and I love my dead gay son ...if you get my drift?"

"Oh my god I love Heathers! I always wanted to learn how to fly with eagles." May laughs at the obscure 80's classic cult movie reference. 

"Yeah, real life sucks losers dry. You want to flock with the falcons, you have to learn to fly." I counter back.

"Okay, I see where this is headed, she said highly interested in the new movie metaphor game."  May grins wickedly at her own funny faux. "But prey tell where are the cheerleaders with all this Other scoring going on? I am curious as to what's their roll in this twist?"

"Well, I've struggled with that very question for years now. And the only thing I can come with so far is they know something about all this that the rest of us are completely missing. Cause so far I got nothing that justifies their existence in the mix? Well, obviosuly other than maybe future stripper training. But by far the ones who really know the what's what, are those really super sensitive guys on the cheer squad. I think they know all the secrets that must not be named."

"Who Adam and Steve? They always smell super cute to me." May grins wickedly.

"Riiiiight." I drone. "Well I don't know how to break it to you, but your super cute buddies Adam and Steve? Yeah, I don't think they are doing whatever one thinks they are doing to each other. I think that they're actually the straight ones in the mix, and that's why they hang with the fearleaders. But like everyone else, you've got the whole thing mixed up in your head."

"I think it's that soylent green they've been force feeding you that's been twisting your head around, telling you up is the new down." I tell a twisted truth about the horror that is high school. "Cause all this crazy crap can't possibly be this wrong and still keep working for all this time. It's because they're not wrong ...they're right."  

"And we're just now putting the pieces together of the vast conspiracy of the Great Rah Race."  May picks up where I left off and takes us to a dark place. "To impregnate our cheerleaders with the babies of the last smart straight men left on the planet. To repopulate the planet with their cheery master race who's motto is 'We can do it...yes we can! We can do it like no one can!'."   

"O my god that explains so much!" May claps merrily with the new Rah Race conspiracy game. "Like how Awesome Adam and Sexy Steve and the rest of the 'Other guys', are the only boys who wear cologne in the school. But as a scent and not a shower soap substitute. It's because they're the ones who want the recreational sex, and the cologne is pheromone for mating season. And not just because someone told them they stink to high heaven, instead of taking a shower with the dreaded soap?" May lowers her to a conspiratorial whisper.  "And the rest of them smell like B.O. because that's what attracts all 'The Other Boys'? Like bees to flowers, or in this case flies to crap?"

 "And the veil has been lifted." I snort. "And Adam and Steve are like the last surviving children of Noah after the flood? It's all going to be very biblical when you get right down to it at the end."

"You know, when you put it that way, it all suddenly makes so much more sense now. It's no wonder I can't get a decent date." May sighs sadly. "And this whole time I just thought it was because I was slightly exotic. Now I see the whole time I should have been paying much more attention to the Other team.  But now I've missed my chance because they will think you're my cover boy. The one that let's all the Others know I'm not available for breeding podlings."

"Dammit, now I won't be able to get a date either." I deadpan. "O' well, I always wanted to be a substitute English teacher anyways." 

"Well on the upside, at least we can help raise Someones Sister's master Rah Race love pod child." May laughs pleasantly at April's expense, which is always fun. "You know, while she's off saving the world from ...thinking too many thoughts about supposably smart stuff or something?"

"Well, at least we have that going for us." I snort. 

"But all joking aside I got to ask you straight...you're not one of those gay haters, are you?" May turns sharply serious. "Cause I can roll with a couple of harmless jokes here and there, so long as they don't hurt anyone besides us. But the whole, let's get Mathew and beat him to death on a fence because he favors the fancy fellas? Yeah, I'm so not down for that hate." May shakes her head hard to emphasize her stance.  

"Because believe it or not? The Other population around here are actually pretty damn decent to me, compared to the rest of the flock. So while I wouldn't consider us BFFL's or anything? But just to set the record straight, I am most definitely "Other friendly", and super supportive of the right to be 'Otherwise'." May air quotes awkwardly. "So say what you gotta say and let's get it out of the way and see where we stand."

"Sorry, but I got enough hate in my life already not to care one way or another what all the Other kids are up to." I negate the hate speech. "At home, the Other stuff doesn't really factor in with all the kids I grew up with, but it's not a thing to hate on either." 

"Belmont Shores, the next beach over the border is almost entirely devoted to the 'Others' and they're pretty chill. But my beach was always more localized and less Otherwise." I explain the local politics of the beach breaks back home. "Now Neo Nazi's on the other hand ...I really hate those guys. So I guess all I can really say is that I couldn't care one way or the Other about who loves who. Unless they're Nazi's? Then no love lost there, cause I have all kinds hate in my heart for them."

"Okay, so good to know things." May snorts sharply.

"But don't get me wrong, I don't want a dude pushing up and hitting on me in the locker room showers or anything ...cause that ain't cool either." I snort. "But as far as the Otherside goes? Whatever floats their rainbow pride parade is cool with me, so long as they stay out of my mind. Cause I'm cool with knowing as little as I can, to begin with. Remember I don't think so much, especially when I take the stairs."

"Well, that covers the extent of your intolerance for the 'Other' guys what about the 'Other' girls?" May counters wryly.

"Totally cool with the girlie gurls." I laugh. "That's a twist I can totally get behind."

"Oh my god, you are such a guy!" May bursts out giggling and shakes her head from side to side.

"Yeah well ...yeah."  I shrug off whatever stupid thing was about to come out of my mouth next.  

"Ugh! Oh yeah, I totally get behind that action." She mocks me full force in Butcher's dense voice. "Chick on chick is soooo classic. Dream threesome much, Mr. Devil?"

"Naw'not. I'm just saying I get it, in a way. Cause those Other girls like what I like ...other girls?" I play along. "Like talking to someone who loves pizza too. Like right away you have a commonality that you can both agree on. 'Oh you like pizza? Well, I like pizza, too. Let's go check out some pizza together some time. What you want on yours...Pepperoni'Anchovy or Swine? Cool, then you choose yours and I'll go the other way with mine.' "

"As to that whole wholesome threesome thing?" I pause to ponder the intricacies of Gromit's gambit with the Setter sisters. "Naw'not, cause that looks like way too much work for the poor twist stuck in the middle. Either way, you shake the numbers out, someone's always getting the short end of the stick. But the devil's three? Yeah, that's definitely not for me."

I am chuckling of course because I think I am almost funny repeating a standard Gromitism. But May is not laughing, not smiling slightly ...not anything really? She is sitting very still, with her head slightly tilted to the side and the pursed lips thing going on. That I can only assume is her thinking through the obvious implications of that particular math problem.

"Whazzup Maybe, too much, too soon? Or too crude for food?" I query cautiously. "Either way you can have a half-assed apology. Cause no offense, but you were the one that sorta started the carnality carnival. Although, I freely admit to possibly driving the clown car too fast into crazytown."

"Mmmm, give me a second to think through all that, okay?" May rocks her crown to the other side to ponder the numbers. "Okay so... I like to think that I can talk a good game on most coarse stuff."

"Thanks of course in no small part to Someone's Sister's ongoing online sex addiction issues." May snorts dryly. "But when it comes to certain things? Like that 'Devil's 3' thing, or allegories that require a specific physical context to comprehend? Well, let's just say, I fall well short of being on the inside of the joke. Like I kinda got some of what you just said?  But then some of it ...not so much. Something else you might not know about me yet..." May smiles sadly. "...but I haven't exactly watched a lot of porn in my life."

"And the hard truth is," May steels herself. "That I don't want to just laugh along with the joke, so much as I want to get the joke. Cause if I just laugh along cluelessly, then someone might think that I understand the game when I really don't.  And they might want to play or try what they're implying, but I am not really comprehending what I am being asked contextually? And that can lead to some serious misunderstandings ...if that makes any sense at all to you?" 

"Yes ...ish." I reply slowly, seeing several ways of this going sideways now between us. Starting with "they might want to play". Which I translate to mean me, and what game she thinks I might be implying to play with her. So I opt for the true truth and let the bones fall where they may. "I think that what you are implying ...probably applies to me too, more or less."

"Somehow I don't think so, Darren." May shakes her head slowly. "Cause what I am trying to say, is that sometimes I joke about things that I haven't exactly done. Like for instance ...oh say ...anything ever with anyone ever, like never ever ever."

"Oh my god you haven't tried pizza, yet? Trust me, you're gonna love it! It's so awesome." I fail to alleviate the uncomfortable truth of my brokenness.

"Oh I've tried my fair share of pizza, tough guy." May's sly smirk returns with a vengeance. "In fact, it happens to be one of my all-time favorite things to eat."

"But the sex stuff? Yeah...ya know?" May pauses and turns her head away from me like she is looking for help. "Silly me, never mind all that noise, I got lost for a minute in my dark thoughts again. So let's go back to making fun of the Rah Race war? Now that I know how to do ...after all I live with one of them."

There are times in life you have those odd moments of clarity that require difficult truths to be shared ...or lost for all time. Sometimes you just give up and go back to making fun of Pod People. Probably because it's easier to observe and report on others, than say something real about yourself? But sometimes telling your truths to a totally complete stranger is a lot easier than talking to close comrades, whose opinions you care too much about.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, the only reason I get the jokes I do, is because my closest comrade Grommit incessantly talks about all kinds of twisted stuff. He is completely obsessed with what he's done, and what he's gonna do next and to who, and not from any personal experience of mine. So when I said 'yes'ish'...I meant that whole never'ever'ever  thing applies to me too. So like you, I too am a not nothing never'ever'ever."

"So your telling me that you're a virgin?" She grunts in blunt disbelief.

"Why yes, I am," I answer back in brutal honesty. Something I might not have done back at home with anyone other than Grom. But then again back at the beach, I don't really have conversations like this with girls like May.

"Oh My God ...shut up, Lifeguard Darren!" May starts laughing hard. Oh yeah, nothing like getting laughed at by a cute girl for your brutal honesty.

"I really wasn't kidding, May." I intone flatly.

"So let me get this straight? You don't want to tell me what your nickname is, but you'll just come right out and tell me you're a V?" May quirks her sardonic smirk. "Sorry dude, but I'm calling dingo on that noise, cause way too many things about that don't add up right? Starting with all those nearly naked girls at the pool all summer long, not to mention hanging around those bikini Beach bunnies all your life?"  

"Hell's bells, even April said you were damn decent on the eyes the first time around. At least until she found out you weren't shopping for a new child bride." May snorts savagely. "And while I might still be in dummy math for the third year running. Even I know how to add up bull and crap ...into bullcrap."

"Buy whatever lie you like, but that won't change the time, the tides or the truth." I counter evenly. "And it doesn't change the fact that I haven't done anything to anyone anywhere, and no one has done anything to me back either. So that's that, end of story."

"Oh okay, tough guy." May drones. "So that's your story and you're sticking to it, huh?"

"Why not? It's the true truth." I sigh. "Trust me, it's by far not my proudest achievement in life.  But it is what is until it isn't."

"So what's the deal? Are you saving yourself for marriage or something?" May is suddenly curious.

"Gods don't say that." I scoff at the thought. "You make it sound like somehow I made a choice to be this strange."

"So no, I'm definitely not saving anything for a marriage that will never happen." I try to explain what little I can without being too strange to her. "I guess the best reason I have is that I'm just not running around desperately trying to get rid of something I don't care about, or place any value in. Like a third eye or a soul, cause suddenly I will somehow be way cooler than I was without it? And it's not like anyone here knows me, or would ever care one way or another. So generally if I don't say, 'Hey, guess what I have no clue know how to do?', no one ever bothers to ask me. But my best friend Gromit knows, he thinks it's hilarious."

"And why does he think that is so funny?" May tilts her head inquisitively.

"You'd kind of have to know Gromit. He thinks all sorts of shit is hilarious that no one else does. But then again he also sees things no one else does, like portents and wardings and stuff. So I suppose it all sort of balances itself out. Besides according to him, he's an awesome sexer. Just ask him and he'll tell you how awesome he is at sexing. Like forever and ever and ever, until you want to hurl. But me?"  I sigh deeply to let her feel my truth. "Naw not, I am just a work in progress."

"So when I get around, I'll get around. But even then I still won't talk about what I've done. The whole bang your own drum thing seems so pointless. You did it, it's over, time to focus towards your next big goal in life that's not that. So that's pretty much my take on it." I deflect back at her. "What about you, May? Any ex-boyfriends I have to worry about popping up asking me what time it is?"

"Not even." I see her smile starting to evaporate again.

"So any particular reason for your askance stance on abstinence?" I push my luck with her a little.

"Ah...duh?" She waves her hand in front of her face. "Obviously?"

"I swear by the sea, you're worse than I am." I snort in retort. "I mean other than that lame excuse?"

"Okay, so obviously I'm not my sister," May states the obvious. "Which means I don't exactly have a bunch of boys trying to crawl through my bedroom windows every night. Or calling me at all hours trying to take the next number for a shot at all this sexy."

"Well me neither." I over-sigh for an empathetic effect. "So I suppose we'll just have to live vicariously through the sexploits of others?"

"Or...you know, we could you know we could always just start a torrid affair of our own?" May smirks slyly. "Just saying."

"Well, there is that I suppose?" I agree cautiously, not seeing her game yet. "And honestly I was never really all that comfortable being your friend anyways."

"Why cause I'm blind?"  She counters a little too quick for comfort.

"No, because you're a girl." I snort back.

"Oh, so you see me as a girl now?" May drones wryly at me.

"Now?  Implies that I didn't see you as a girl when I walked all the way down the bleachers that day at the Annex." I snort in retort. "Cause you can trust me when I tell you, I would have never'ever'ever walked down those steps to fight for some dude."

"So this amour fou your proposing will be a continuation of our coup de cœur of that fateful sunny summer day?" She smiles slyly drawing me into her new game. 

"And I have no idea what you just said? Remember I take Spanish with Senorita Loca Gatos ...not whatever pretentious foreign surrender language that was?"

"Well, you know what they say about ignorance is bliss? So why don't we just keep you special for a little longer, snowflake? It's probably better that way, you being all new and all." May's lips skin back a sly smile. "Now without further ado, let us feast on all that the Pod masters have to offer. And of course whatever new mystery awaits us in the bottom of said lunch bag. So speaking of special ...I seem to recall something about brownies being mentioned."

"I'm starting to think that you'd make really good a psychic, or maybe a career in the extortion rackets." I laugh along, handing over the daily take of brownie to the boss.  

Time flies as we share lunches back and forth, and the conversation turns to things of little or no import. Until the dark specter of the greater Rah Rah Race looms over our afternoon delight.

"May, it's time." April seethes down at us, cutting off the conversation and killing the fun. "So say goodbye to your little lunch buddy, we gotta bounce."

"Well lifeguard Darren, it seems like all good things this too must end." May clutches her bowling ball bag and stands straight, flicking out her blind chick stick in one smooth move. "You know how it goes? People to see and things to do."

"Yay, doing things." I drone in faux cheer.

April's eyes narrow down at me scathingly, as she lets May orientate herself to her outside elbow. I can see that Someone's Sister really wants to say something super not nice, but for whatever reason has electing to remain silent. I am seriously starting to get the sense that she and I will be exchanging some sort of formal un-pleasantries sometime soon.  

"Talk to ya later, Maybe." I smile unpleasantly back up at April's scathing scowl.

"Not if I see you first Mr. Devil." May laughs back. "Oh wait ...I forgot that I can't really do that, huh? So out of sight out of mind and Au revoir."

"Lates Maybe, be cool." I wish her well. 

"As if, that was even remotely possible?" She mocks me back, as she drifts away with her sinister sister in tow. 

So with that, the sun sets on the third most interesting lunch of the week on Devil-May-Care Island. Truth be told, I was not particularly thrilled with the way the parlay turned today. Talking about my many malfunctions was not exactly what I had in mind for a little light lunch conversation. But then again trust is a two way street, albeit with a head-on-collision just waiting to happen. But alas such is life and death on the greater highways and biways in Insanistan.