Note : After this chapter we will going to have Ishan's POV in which we will come back to the confession part again, so aaj ka chapter padhne ke baad koi gaali nhi dega-

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•SHUBMAN GILL•

I carefully plant a soft kiss on his forehead. "Ishan, I lo-" I hesitate, my heart pounding in my chest. "I really like you, Ishan," I finally say.

I should have felt relieved to confess to him, but to my pure horror, he slowly opens his eyes, and I quickly shut mine.

WHAT THE FUCK.
WHAT THE FUCK.
WHAT THE FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK.

I just want to un-exist myself at this moment.

Was he awake all along? How much did he hear? Did he catch just the last part? Even if he only heard the last part, it's bad enough. Let alone the whole thing.

But this is unfair. I said all those things because I thought he was sleeping.

My heart feels ready to explode, pounding at a dangerously high rate. My eyes remain closed because I can't afford to open them, can't afford to see him staring into my soul. What is he thinking right now? Is he disgusted with me?

These thoughts keep swirling in my mind, but I don't open my eyes. I just can't. Not after the monologue I just gave him, which he happened to hear but wasn't supposed to.

A few moments pass, and I feel a touch on my cheek. Thank God, it's not a slap, but a gentle caress. Then, I feel a feathery kiss on my forehead. It's so gentle I might be imagining it. And then, it's gone. The touch vanishes as quickly as it came.

Did I just imagine that? Is my brain playing tricks on me now? Maybe I'm hallucinating from the sheer embarrassment.

My eyes remain shut. It took sleep hours, like literal, actual hour to saunter over to me. And when it finally decided to grace me with its presence, what do I dream about? Him. Just him. Talk about being whipped.

The next morning, I wake up to find he's already gone. Now, keep in mind, during all our time sharing a room, he's never once woken up before me or got out of the bed before me. Not even close. But today, oh today, he decides to make an exception and slip out without even bothering to wake me up.

Speaks volumes, doesn't it?

I know I'm late for practice, but for a few more minutes, I just sit on the bed staring into the distance, replaying last night's happenings. My confession, him popping open his eyes, as if saying: 'Surprise, MF!'

How I wish it had all been a dream. But no, the empty feeling is settling in like an unwelcome houseguest. He knows. He knows now. He knows that I know that he knows.

I don't want any confrontation. Not now, not ever. I'm scared, actually scared. This is not how I pictured confessing my feelings to someone, it wasn't romantic it was a 'deer-in-headlights' moment.

_____________

During the practice session, Ishan keeps glancing in my direction. It's painfully obvious he wants to have a conversation with me. Of course he does. I can already hear it: "Oh my God, Gill, I am so sorry. I can't reciprocate your feelings. You know I'm not gay or bi, right? It's just tragic you fell for me. I mean, I get it, I'm quite charismatic, but you shouldn't have let this happen. You should move on... Awww, don't cry. Let me give you a hug. But wait, what if giving you a hug makes you fall even harder for me? Should I just slap you so you can move on? Trust me, it won't hurt much."

Or even worse: "Tch tch tch, Gill? Seriously? All this time, you weren't looking at me as a friend but as something else? All your gestures had ulterior motives? Wait, let me ask Rohit bhaiya to change our rooms. I can't believe you were romanticizing me all this time. I agreed to be your fake boyfriend, but I think you weren't satisfied with that. Now you want me as your real boyfriend? Shakal dekhi hain apni? Aukat me rahe aap thoda" (Have you seen your face? Stay in your lane, man.)

As I am considering all the possibilities, someone snakes their arm around me. It's Hardik Bhaiya.

"Kya ho gya? Kahan khoya hua hai?"

"Uh, ummm, nothing, Bhaiya."

"Waise, main dekh raha hoon, tum dono saath mein kam dikhte ho. ladai hui hai? Kya?"

"Kon?" I ask, feigning innocence.

He lightly hits my head, "Abbey tere ko pata hain kon, Tera boyfriend aur kon?"

"Nhi, hamari ladai nhi hui, aur vaise bhi team me we should bond with everyone"

"Haan haan WE sHOULd bOND WiTh EveRyOne ke baache tab ye gyaan kaha gya tha jab usse dinbhar chipka rehta tha?"

Just as I'm about to reply something, Rahul bhaiya summons him, phew, thank god for his timely interruption.

I steal another glance at Ishan, only to find him fully engrossed in his practice. I let out a sigh, attempting to redirect my focus back to my own practice... emphasis on the word 'attempt.'

During the break, as I go to take some refreshments, I notice Ishan approaching me. Is he intentionally coming towards me, or is he just coming here for the refreshments? What should I do now?

In an desperate attempt to hide myself I crouch between the dugout chairs, concealing myself from his sight but how can be luck on my side in these situations?

*Achoooooo* I sneeze a bit too loudly

FUCK ME BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK?

Between the gaps, I catch sight of Ishan. He is striding towards me, and my heart starts beating a bit too fast. I seriously need to see a doctor because at this rate, I am definitely going to have some serious heart issues. Like, the literal ones.

Oh no, oh no, he is coming in my direction, I feel a surge of panic.WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW? But maybe luck is slightly on my side today. "Ishan!" Rahul bhaiya shouts from the field. This is the second time Rahul bhaiya has come to my rescue without even knowing it. I could practically kiss his feet right now, but then Ishan might see me, so I have to drop the plan. Also, they are dirty because of the on-field practice.

Ishan takes a U-turn, and I take a few deep breaths, lying down here for a few more minutes to make sure Ishan is actually gone and no one will see me emerging from between the dugout chairs. I get up and dust off my clothes.

What has my life become within just two weeks? Life was beautiful when I living in blissful ignorance. But now, it feels like I am walking on eggshells around Ishan. Sometimes I just want to go to him and say, "I love you, so what? What are you going to do?" But only if I had the guts.

Time passes slowly, it is agonizing now, I keep peeking in his direction. I can't focus on anything.

It's just frustrating.

__________

I am going to stay in Shrey's room for a while, or until Ishan sleeps, but the problem is I have to pass my own room for that, and I can clearly see that the door is ajar.

I just have to keep walking until I reach Shrey's room.

As I am passing my room, something stops me in my tracks. I can sense that something is ongoing there. My brain urges me to look, while my heart says to keep going.

Against my better judgment, I peek through the ajar door, and what I see makes my heart drop to the pit of the earth. I should not have stopped; I should have kept walking. I really should have, because what I am witnessing-I should not be witnessing that, not after the realization. Both of my palms clench into tight fists without my consent. My heartbeat races erratically. There is still time; I should leave. I should just go to Shrey's room because I don't have the heart to see what is going to happen next.

(Let's go a few hours back)

I am within earshot distance from him as someone approaches him and whispers, "Someone came to meet you." I hear it "in the stands." When I glance over, I see a bunch of people there, most of them fans who are here to see the practice and to meet their favorites.

So, most probably the "someone" in question is his fan and wanted to meet him. No big deal.

And then I see him talking to someone. A girl is speaking to him animatedly, and there is an undeniable energy between them that piques my curiosity. With a bit of discreet inquiry, I learn she's not just a fan, she's his neighbor and a friend as well, her name is Aanya.

For some strange reason, I don't feel jealous of her. Currently, she has all his attention, and she is saying something I can't hear because, of course, I am on the ground, and they are in the stands.

(Back to present)

Aanya is kneeling, one hand outstretched, holding a ring, she is proposing to him, As if this alone isn't enough to shatter my heart, my gaze drifts to Ishan. When I see the smile spread across his face, a smile that signifies his approval, I never imagined that his smile would ever pierce my heart like this. The smile that I love to see on his face is now shattering my soul.

I realize there is nothing in my life that could have prepared me for this moment.To say that I am hurt is like doing injustice to what I am feeling right now.

I fight the urge to run out from here and never know what happened next, but for some reason, my body decides to torture me more as it stays glued to its place.

And when I see his smile turning wider and cheekier as he accepts the ring from her hand and holds it on his own, the world drops from underneath me.

I find my steps going backwards involuntarily. The only thing that I can hear is my own heartbeat. Maybe someone called me, but my body didn't stop. I turn around and I just keep walking and walking mindlessly.

Yeah, I deserve this. I deserve this devastation, this pain, this hurt, everything. I deserve this for letting my feelings slip, for not having control over my own feelings.

You have a girlfriend, you never told me about her. Of course, why would you? But why did you kiss me? You shouldn't have. To know how your lips taste and never be able to feel them against mine ever again, it's just pure torture.

After I don't know how many hours of walking, I find myself sitting on a bench, it starts to drizzle. A girl and a boy stroll along a quiet street, laughing over something. The boy reaches into his bag and takes out an umbrella. He opens it, draping his arm over her shoulder, pulling her closer. She nestles closer to him, possibly blushing. Their fingers intertwine as they look at each other, smiles playing on their lips. The soft orange glow of the street lamp casts ethereal shadows across their faces as they walk like this, soon vanishing from my sight. And then I break down into tears.

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