L U E L L A

INSERTING THE KEY into the door lock, I twisted it and kicked the door with my foot. A loud whistle sounds from inside and Cindy and I give each other a knowing glance before we step inside the apartment.

"What have you boys been doing without us?" Cindy asked accusingly as she fell on the couch beside Chandler, who had a controller in his hands, eyes concentrated on the screen. Alex is sat beside him, his posture an exact replica.

"Is that the new FIFA game?" I groaned.

"Nope, Call of Duty." Alex looked up at me as I made my way towards his side of the couch. He paused the game, earning a groan from Chandler, who tossed the controller in annoyance, Cindy giggling.

"Hey, you." He took my waist and I shrieked as he pulled me on his lap.

"Hi," I pecked his lips. "Miss me?"

"You have no fucking idea. I had to tolerate Chandler for hours."

Chandler punched his shoulder playfully and laughed. "You massive shit. You only say that because I beat your ass twice today!"

"Hey! That last one did not count," Alex scoffs and we all laugh at that. This has been the norm.

It's been the norm for me ever since I met these people. Ever since I moved in with Alex-well, more like he saved me from the streets and offered me a place to stay with him. That afternoon he found me in the same alleyway he was having a smoke at, he'd saved me...and he knew it.

He seemed to be intrigued by the idea of my being a runaway. He believed I didn't deserve to live on the streets, was sure I wouldn't survive. I couldn't give two shits about it, if I'm being honest. At that point, that moment, when I was handed a bed to sleep in at some stranger's place, I didn't care. I was too desperate to think about morals or ethics, or distinguish rationality from insanity.

I was too emotionally exhausted and drained out to latch onto the Luella in me. I've left her, I have abandoned that stupid part of me. I'm Faith now.

Faith doesn't give a shit. She lives spontaneously. She's in an unnamed relationship with a smoking drunk and she doesn't even care. Faith works in a bar. She has colored hair and painted fingernails and glittery eyelids. She drinks and smokes occasionally, whenever she feels like it. She likes to break rules and occasionally break habits. Change is good for her, change is her.

Faith likes to live without her heart's nagging or her brain's accusations. Because sometimes she feels like a part of her brain and a part of her heart still belong to Luella. Memories take her there, but she doesn't like it. Not one bit.

"I'm gonna take a shower," I shake the haunting thoughts out of my head, going to stand up off Alex's lap-only to be tugged back against his chest.

"Need company?" He wickedly smirked as he whispered into my ear. I patted his chest, rolling my eyes before I finally stood up.

"I'll be right back," I said as I turned around and headed to my room.

I knew Alex was getting impatient with me. Our said relationship only developed recently. At first, he was only my savior. He gave me a bed in his home and a job at his father's pub. He cared about me, for some reason. But I knew only kissing and messing around with each other would eventually get boring for him. He tried to have his way with me a couple of times-after all, it's been months and he wasn't used to girls saying no to him.

But I guess the old Luella I was still has her footprints somewhere in me. I still couldn't sleep with him. I liked Alex. I was grateful for him, but also attracted to him. He was a decent-looking man and I don't think I could've said no to him if it wasn't for...Luella.

After I'd stripped and stepped into the shower, I felt the warm water, sighing as chills blossomed on my body. Warm water. Without Alex, I wouldn't have had even that. There were a lot of things to be grateful for, for where I am and where I've become. I can't keep thinking about the past.

I'm Faith now, and Faith lives in the moment.

H A R R Y

ENTRY #734

I'm going fucking crazy thinking about you. I'm even imagining your voice now. Everywhere I go.
I went to a pub today with my new colleagues. To get you off my mind. But no, you're haunting me. You will always haunt me, won't you?
Sometimes I really want you to, but other times I just feel pathetic. What if you're somewhere else, with somebody who actually deserves you, happy?
Who would deserve you, though? Who on earth would deserve you?
Where are you, Luella? Where the fuck are you?

________

I closed my journal, tracing the letters on it and scoffing at myself. It has become a consistent habit of mine. I would complete the pages of a journal and get another one and so on. I would write to Luella all the time. As if the words would magically travel from the ink on the pages to Luella, and then I'll find her. As if I'd be able to listen to her laugh again without having to watch the videos on my phone. On her phone. The phone I gave her too many times, only to end up abandoned on her bed the night she left.

I took the key card out of the car slot and got out of the car, notebook under my arm as I closed the door behind me and locked the car. Getting rid of all the Luella-related thoughts graved into my brain would take a while, I knew that.

It's been too long, though. Too bloody long.

Once I reached my floor, I wished I could turn back around and hide in my car again. Because the curly-haired neighbor was just locking her door and on her way to the elevator. I felt bad for being rude to her before. She was only being friendly and I was being a dick because I was in a bad mood. She'd already seen me, and the attempted discreet roll of her eyes didn't go unnoticed. I sighed as she passed by me, avoiding my gaze.

"Hey," I called, turning around as she reluctantly did the same. A quirky raise of her eyebrow questioned me and I raised my hand subconsciously to rub the back of my neck. "I'm Harry. The, er, new neighbor from right across the hall."

"Of course you are," she mumbled. "You're the rude neighbor."

"Yep," I winced. "I guess that's me, isn't it?"

The curly-haired shorty pursed her lips and shrugged, her eyes challenging. I passed my hand through my hair, gripping onto the roots, still not used to its new shorter length.

"Listen, I'm sorry about the other day. I was having a shitty one, I didn't mean to offend you."

"It's okay," The girl's lips curved upwards slowly. "You're forgiven."

I glanced at her outstretched hand for a second before I took it to shake, a smile grazing my own lips. "Thanks," I chuckled, nodding as we retrieved our hands back to our sides.

"I'm Olivia, your neighbor from right across the hall." She said with a teasing smile as she repeated my words.

I chortled at her mocking me, shaking my head. "Right."

"Have a nice day, neighbor."

"You, too, Olivia. It was nice to meet you," I said, earning a look. "You know, officially. For the second time."

"Bye, Harry."

I mock-saluted her with two fingers to my temple as she smiled and turned around to continue her way to the lift down the hall, her huge curly hair bopping around her tiny figure. I shook my head, mentally laughing to myself at that encounter. Maybe I've lost my charm with women, but that wasn't my main concern for now.

The flat was cold and bare, so I turned on the heater and sat down after I've changed to give Josie a call. I don't think I can ever call her enough. Or maybe I'm just that lonely. And maybe I don't want to call Ben right now, and I have no one else to talk to, except for the echo of my own voice in this hollow place.

I chatted with Josie for a while, talking to her about my day, using my vocal chords a little more and helping them not get rusty. I leave out the part where I hallucinate Luella's voice in a pub downtown. I leave out my loneliness, and the pathetic need to talk to someone I have known for at least more than two weeks. I leave out the hollow part I feel in my chest, I leave out everything I don't want Josie to worry about for me.

I promised myself to be better, not only for myself, but for the people I love. On that passing thought, after I'd hung up with Josie, I dialed up Ben's number.

"Harry Styles," Ben says as soon as he picks up. "Got your shit together that quick?"

"Can you stop being an ass for a minute?" I rolled my eyes, scoffing. "No need to worry about shit being together, Ben. What's up? How are you doing?"

He sighed through the phone. "I'm not being an ass, Styles. I'm just being your friend."

"I know."

"And I'm great, thanks for asking. I would boast about life with Kate, but she's sitting right next to me and I don't want her to boast about that for the next week or so." Shuffling is heard from the other line and I assume the sound of Ben being smacked. "Ow!" I laughed as he mumbled, "Should have stopped at 'I'm great, thanks for asking.'"

"Say hi to Kate for me," I said, chortling.

"Harry says hi," I hear Ben say and a muffled voice sounds from beside him. "She says hi back. Am I done being Hedwig now?"

I faked a gasp, holding back another boisterous laugh. "Hedwig? Isn't that Harry Potter's owl? Ben, did you just make a Harry Potter reference?"

"Don't ask," Ben grumbled and I heard him shuffle before the sound of a door shut. "Kate is torturing me. She's been having movie series marathons lately and it's Harry Potter week. I mean, last weekend was High School Musical. High School Musical, Harry! Me, a grown man, watching that shit."

"A grown man in love."

"True that," Ben chuckled. "Enough about me. You want me to come over?"

"Aren't you with Kate?" I furrowed my eyebrows, guilt eating at my insides. "No, man. Just stay with your girl and watch Harry Potter."

"No, seriously, I can come over. What are you doing tonight?"

"It's fine," I insisted. "I went out with a few guys from work. We went to that pub..."

"Have you?" Ben sounded impressed. "That's good. That's great, Harry."

"Yeah," I trailed off. He wouldn't say that if he knew of my newly found hallucinations. He wouldn't sound that proud of his best friend. I decided to keep it to myself. "Yeah, I guess it is."

"It is," Ben encouraged. "You sure you don't want me there tonight, though? Kate would be fine. She'd have more marshmallows on her hot chocolate anyways."

"Don't let her hear you," I chuckled. "I'm sure, Ben. Really, it's fine."

And it was fine. For the first hour, maybe. Which I'd spent watching boring television before The Breakfast Club came on and, like a shot through the heart, the memories came rushing back.

Memories of the second time Luella and I went to Lancaster High School. We'd played basketball and sat in the teachers' lounge. We pretended to be teachers when we were so close to getting caught. I smiled fondly at the memory.

I guess there are memories that will always remain. Whether I would run into Luella again or not, she will be in my mind forever, engraved in my heart. She had her space there, she's cuddled up and happy.

I ended the night promising myself to stop looking for answers, stop waiting for a miracle to happen, stop wishing for a great lovers' reunion story-because none of those things are happening.

And I will be okay with that.

•••

note:
i had to keep it still for this chapter. i promise you'll love the upcoming ones!

quick rant:
[i hate long a/n's so i'll try to keep it short]
i never like to defend my characters, because my characters are in no way perfect and it's okay if they're fuckups and irrational and whatnot. but i have noticed that some of you strongly agree on the theory that luella didn't ever love harry, in the sense that she was so quick to 'get over him.' (especially after this chapter.) and i understand how you see it, but i really can't stress enough how hurt she was, is. put yourself in her shoes. that is the most broken and alone she could ever be. okay i'm done i won't defend her again.

another note:
please feel free to ask about anything you're confused about. slide into my pms. comment. post on my message board. i'm all ears and i will explain what can be explained. there are some questions i can't help you with because they're answered later on in the story.

as always, keep an open mind.
all the love,
ness. xx