H A R R Y

3 MONTHS LATER

THE TRAIN TRIP to London was a right nightmare. There was an old man with a horrible smelling breath, snoring loudly beside me. I had to put on my headset and play some music, but unfortunately I didn't have anything to avoid the stinky smell. This moving on thing isn't starting off right.

I try to close my eyes and not think about it. It's been almost a year and a half, I have to get over the deep hollowness in my heart someday. Just as I think that, ironically, Jack Johnson's Better Together blares right through my ears and I freeze a little.

I quickly unlock my phone and skip the song, not realizing that I have her playlist on. Luella's playlist. The one with all the songs that reminded me of her. All of our songs, the ones we belted out to when we were carpooling, the one that played at my attempt at make-do prom for her, the one she said she liked when we were on one of our shopping days.

I didn't realize I've been staring at the number of songs listed in the playlist on my phone for so long, because before I know it, I was already in London, hauling my luggage off the train.

Ben was waiting for me outside the station, head dipped down to look at his phone, squinting to see something under the hot June sun. Although he did look a tiny bit different. He'd grown a little stubble over his chin, and the bit of hair peeping from under his cap looked taller than I remember it being.

"Facial hair suits you, my friend," I grin at him once I see him. He takes a second to look up and focus his vision on me before he grins back widely and takes me into a hug.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I actually missed you, Styles." My best friend pats me on the back a couple of times before we pull away. "And thanks, Kate forces me to keep it. Nice haircut, by the way."

Right, I have cut my long hair a lot shorter, gave up the thick curls. It was getting too long anyway and I'd started to get irritated with it being in my way. It feels a little breezy now. A nice change, and I'm trying to welcome change.

"Thanks. I missed you, too, buddy," I chuckle lightly as I haul my bags into the trunk of his new car. "Cool ride. An Audi R8? Has Kate been spoiling you too much?"

"Oh, fuck off," Ben rolled his eyes, but when I quirked an eyebrow at him, he sighed. "Alright... she lost a bet against me."

"Bloody hell, bro," I laughed. "Nice work."

"Just get in the car, Harry," Ben laughed along with me and got into the driver's seat, myself following him. We pull out of the station, heading onto the crowded highway and I take a chance to look at my surroundings.

I don't remember the last time I've been in London, but it was never when in summer-at least, I don't remember it being this warm of a weather. I think it was a school trip or something, that was after I was adopted by Josie. Remembering Josie, I slip out my phone and send her a text that I've arrived.

"So, I talked to the guy that was supposed to be renting you the flat," Ben started, referring to my living situation. I had called him a month prior and asked him to meet the guy and check out the place for me. Ben had done so much for me already, I wouldn't know how to thank him enough. "He'll be in today, but at around six thirty. So you can stay at mine and Kate's place until then, sound good?"

"Oh," I cringed, thinking about Kate. "It's alright, man, I'll just..."

"Come on, Harry," Ben gives me a look sideways, making sure to stay focused on the road. He looks so different not driving his old van. I kind of miss it. "My girlfriend doesn't bite."

I sighed heavily. "It's not that, I just- I think I don't have it in me to..."

"No, you will," Ben interrupts me. "You said you've moved on. Kate sure has... Well, kind of."

"Ben," I shake my head, looking away and out the window. "If you don't mind, I'll have to pass on that one. I'll just wait at a coffeeshop or something. You can go ahead, you've done enough already."

"Harry-"

"Ben," I interrupt him sternly, looking right at the side of his head, "I'll pass."

Silence coats the car for a little while, until Ben stops at a red light. He takes his hands off the steering wheel and looks at me with kind eyes before he pats me on the shoulder.

"Fine," he says. "I guess baby steps."

"I'm fine. I just don't think I'm fine enough to face The Best Friend," I breathed out, furrowing my brows a little.

"But it's been over a y-,"

I give him a good glare that causes him to shut up and shake his head out of it, putting his hands back on the steering wheel when the red light turns to green.

"Baby steps, I can do baby steps," he says and I roll my eyes at him. He looks at me and shakes his head in amusement, chuckling as well. "It's good to have you back, Styles."

"It's good to be back."

And it was.

I was starting on a clean slate. Fresh beginnings. I was going to do something I love. I was starting work next week at AOT Enterprises as an IT consultant. I was going to have to go through training first of course, I assume.

Ben sticks around with me at a coffeeshop he swore had the best coffee. Which I later found out was true. We laughed about how if it had been a year and a half ago, we would've headed straight to a bar, not to a coffeeshop by far. Fae's nightclub sure was our regular hangout place. God, I miss those days.

But I was happy for my best friend. He had Kate, who loved him more than any of the other girls he ever knew did, and he loved her just as much. He had a great office job position at her father's company. Apparently he was such a good catch to her parents as well, so it worked out for him pretty well in that department. He seemed happier than I've ever seen him, he was at a steady good point in his life and I was happy for that. I was happy for him.

We talk and catch up for what seems to be a really long time and yes, fuck, I've missed him. He's always been a constant part of the equation that is my life and I had to lose him with everything I've lost along the way. He was in the losing process and I hadn't realized it until it was late. But seeing now, how we're slotting back to where we left off, I can say it wasn't too late.

We chat heartedly and laugh until the flat guy gives Ben a call and tells him he's waiting for us.

"This place is huge," is the first thing I say once I step inside after signing the lease papers, stepping closer to look at the huge windows in the living room area.

I have seen pictures of it on my phone, but it looked much more in person. Now I get why the owner has stated a high price for it. It was also a plus that it was close to work and came furnished. I don't have the patience to pick out furniture.

"Yeah, it's more spacious than the frat dorms, I gotta say," Ben says, flashing me a smile. "You do realize I'll have to come annoy you from time to time now, right?"

"Please do," I eagerly say, laughing as Ben does. "It will feel less lonely if I have someone with me."

Ben frowns. "You'll meet some friendly faces here in no time, trust me. Like the hot girl across the hall from you," He wiggles his eyebrows at me suggestively then straightens up. "But I didn't say that, so don't tell Kate about it."

"Ben," I sighed, knowing this was coming. "I know I said I'm moving on, but let's not jump to that. I want to focus on my new job."

Ben grumbles in defeat and shakes his head to change the subject. "When do you start work, anyway?"

"Sometime next month, they said they'll shoot me an email for a specific time. I'm assuming there's still a training period I have to get through first, too."

"Oh, cool. In the meantime, you can hang out with me!" Ben grins enthusiastically. "I know it's been like a few months since I officially moved to London, but it feels like so much longer than that."

"Yeah, I know," I nod my head apologetically. "And it's my fault. I've been off..." I admitted, "after-you know, everything. I hadn't got a chance to be myself lately."

"We're changing that," Ben announced. "I have a month with you before you get busy with your new job, so I've got to be the awesome best friend that I am. Even though you have boring hair now."

I laughed but rolled my eyes. "Fine. But no more...friendly faces suggestions."

"Like I said: boring," Ben points out. "Okay then. I'll let you settle in and get some rest. I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

"Alright," I nodded and gave him a bro hug. "Thanks, man. Not for just hooking me up with this place, but everything else."

Ben winked and nodded at me as if to say, "No problem." I watched him walk out of the flat and shut the door behind him, a genuine smile on his face matching my own. I collapsed back on the couch, looking dreadfully at the luggage I have and thinking about all the unpacking I've got to do.

But I could do that anytime later. I feel exhausted, mostly emotionally. I don't want it to get overwhelming for me, but I'm sure Ben will try to get me back on the horse no matter what. I gazed out the huge windows by the couch, watching the dark sky outside. I hoped this would really be a good life, a better life. I just wished I could dust my mind off of all the memories I had of Luella, bad or good.

It still hurts to think about her, but I can try. No, I will try. I'll try to move on, to be a better friend, a better son, and a better person. I'm done sitting around waiting for a miracle to happen. I'm sick of fantasizing about the moment I find Luella and tell her that I'm sorry over and over again until she's mine again. Because that won't happen. I know it now.

Everyone was right. If she wasn't back, then she was happy. Somewhere else. Somewhere I'm not. And I have to let her go. I also have to let my memories of her go, and be at peace with the fact that she's gone. And there's a good chance she's happy being gone.

Eighteen months is a long time to wait for someone who doesn't want to be found.

With that thought in mind, I drift off into somewhat of a deep sleep, on the couch of my new apartment in London, with the promise of a new beginning when I wake up.

1 WEEK LATER

"You know, it's not really table manners to stare each other to death," Ben rolls his eyes, shaking his head at myself and Kate.

He had insisted on bringing me to their place for dinner tonight, or else-in his words-he would shave my head bald. I cried myself of laughter when he held up a shaving machine. And seeing how much he was trying to get his girlfriend and his best friend to have a civil time without any feud, the least I could do was do just that. It seemed like it meant a lot to him.

According to him, Kate was 'looking forward to see me again since it's been so long.' I had a feeling I shouldn't trust that at all, but either way it wasn't going to make me change my mind. All I had to do was show up and...survive. Ben has set this little reunion up, I've learned, since he'd told Kate he was just bringing 'an old friend over for a bite and some chat.'

And the moment we both registered each other's faces when Kate opened the door for me...is history.

She still hasn't lashed out on me-yet, she's just been giving me hard, cold stares. Which was worrying. Her hair was taller, I noticed, and more blonde than I remember. But her eyes, oh, she still projects so many words strongly through them. I try to hold back from looking over at all.

Ben huffs and stands up from the table. We both look up at him and he grumpily says, "I'm going to get more gravy."

Once he was gone, Kate tears her gaze away to look at her food with a scowl on her face.

"I'm sorry," I quietly spoke and placed my fork on my plate, reaching for my coat. Kate looked up at me with confusion. "If I'd known you didn't want me here, I wouldn't have come. I'll tell Ben something came up and I'll be gone before I ruin the rest of your evening."

Kate stares silently at me for a while before she sighs and turns back to pick at her food. "Don't leave."

"What?" I try not to show how shocked I am, but fail.

"Stay," She looks up at me with softer eyes. "For Ben."

I watch her in silence for a bit before Ben comes back with a full bowl of gravy and places it on the table.

"So," Ben takes a deep breath as he sits back down on his seat, pouring some gravy on his plate. "When does your car get here?"

"It was supposed to be here two days ago, but I guess something went wrong with the cargo company," I shrugged. "I'll just have to deal without it a little more, hopefully it'll be here before I start work. Either way, it's good thing my flat isn't that far from the company."

"When do you start?"

Surprisingly, Kate was the one to ask. Ben looked as taken aback as I was. She clears her throat uncomfortably and I smile at her to ease the tension.

"They said sometime in January," I say. "I'll have to check in with them, they never really gave me an actual date."

Kate hummed and glanced around the table for something to say. "And, erm, are you loving London? I hope Ben showed you around. He knows all the secret good places tourists have no idea about."

I grinned and looked at Ben, himself grinning. "All of them. We still have a couple more weeks to kill. He'll know his way around like the back of his hand by then."

After that, the conversation flowed easily between us. It almost felt like back at college, whenever we had double dates... minus Luella. She was missed, and we all agreed on that silently, without voicing it. But it's a good change, I think. Kate surely still doesn't stand me, but she smiled when I complimented her on the food. Especially the dessert, that red velvet cheesecake was delicious.

She was having a hard time trying, trying to look me in the face without seeing Luella instead of me. It was for Ben's sake, but she was trying. I could work with that, seeing I wasn't exactly at ease chatting with Luella's ultimate best friend. Or ex-that. It's hard not to think about her when I can only remember the four of us together, not three. It helped that we were in a different city, we almost looked like different people, too...but it didn't feel like it.

When Ben was walking me to my apartment, a few blocks down from theirs, I could tell he was pleased with how the night turned out. Not exactly the standard perfect, but at least I didn't have to fight Kate off of me while she tried to stab me. So, Ben was satisfied. His best friend and his girlfriend, finally sitting together, having civilized conversation.

"So. Kate." I started as we strolled down the sidewalk.

Ben gave me a look. "Yes, that's my girlfriend's name."

I chuckled lightly. "You putting a ring on her finger anytime soon?"

Ben looks baffled at my question but I give him a look that makes him sigh and ruffle his hair, pushing it back off his face.

"Well... I should, shouldn't I?" He asks.

"Should is not the right word to use, mate." I raised my eyebrows at him. "Do you want to? I mean, I can see it's pretty serious between you two. Hell, you're living together and you're pretty much pals with her parents; you're practically married already!"

"I know. God, I know, right?" He mutters in frustration under his breath. "It's just... Her parents, you should meet them to know what I mean. Her mum calls me son and her dad gave me a really good job at his company. Like, those are good signs and everything, but... I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough. And, no, it's not a self-esteem thing. It's like a...Kate-esteem thing."

As we cross the road, I look at him in confusion. "Why's that? They obviously like you, and Kate is in love with you... so, what? What is it?"

"Well, I don't know. Kate just seems too good to be true, man. She's just...amazing, you know? And her family have, like, really-no, like, really-high standards."

"Ben, you already passed that test, remember? Her parents gave you a pass already."

"It's still fucking scary, dude," He shakes his head. "It's mad. It just feels like I'm always under a test, like you said, you know?"

I nod along in understanding as we near my building. I remember when I used to talk to him about Luella like that. Frustrated, can't control myself, rambling. I think I still do that. My heart constricts at the thought of her, and I quickly shake it off, concentrating on Ben.

"And besides," he gruffly adds, "her brother hates my guts."

"What for?" I laugh at Ben's expression and he glances at me before he laughs as well and shrugs.

"I have no idea! He's her older brother, and Kate says that's why he feel protective over her, but come on! She's twenty-five!"

I laugh, but pat Ben's back. "I don't know how to help you on that one, mate, but you give it some thought." I nod encouragingly as we stand outside my flat. "If you really love her to the point that you want to spend the rest of your life with her, pop the question. Or talk to her about it."

"Talk to h-," He gives me a mocking look and laughs once. "Mate, I'm sorry but you're right, you can't help me on this one."

"Hey!" I act offended, chuckling along with him.

"I can't just talk to her about it! No woman finds that appealing. Or at least not Kate. I know her, she would want a fancy ass dinner on some huge ass boat in the middle of the ocean or some shit. She would want a freaking orchestra, violins and pianos and everything, playing and me just so gracefully propping on one knee without ripping the underside of my fancy pants, a ring with a huge rock sitting in a red velvet box. You know, she might also like a bit of romantic poetry thrown in the mix, because why not?" Ben paused and we simultaneously took a huge breath.

I nodded and breathed out. "Yep. Yeah, that... that's just about it," I said before we locked eyes and burst into a fit of laughter. I haven't laughed like that in so long. The sound felt weird. It felt good.

Just like old times.

••
note:
ok i lied, next chapter is the real deal!
no but honestly i wrote it all out and realized it was too long, so i decided to split it into two. yeah, that means the next chapter is already written, so there might be a cheeky double update later today!
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