I smelled him the moment I woke. The scent lured me from the blackness of sleep, and before I could see anything, I smelled him. But then I opened my eyes. 

Ivan wasn’t there. 

I closed and opened them repeatedly, sure that the next blink would bring a new sight. Only empty ceilings greeted me, and the patchy darkness streaked by light filtering from carelessly closed curtains.  I let my head fall back on the pillow and surrendered to the black of my eyes one last time. If he wouldn’t come to me, I’d go to him… even if just in the figments of my mind.

Pinned under Kheelan’s arm, I inhaled deeply, taking Ivan’s scent into every part of my being.  It ran the course of my veins with a vengeance, and roped itself around my chest until I couldn’t breathe. Feeling trapped, I slid out from Kheelan’s arm and with my eyes closed, followed the trace of him weaving through the air. It was stupid, I know, and I probably looked as crazy as I felt, but…

I pretended he was there—that I was walking toward him, to hold him, to beg him for forgiveness, to just simply look at him again— to tell him that though he’d believed in me, I had failed. Maris had once again proven herself to be the greater opponent. I’d been fooled, I’d doubted him, doubted myself—doubted our love, and had nothing to say for myself. I’d lost it all.

The scent lingered strongest at a chair in the shadowy corner of the bedroom. Whether it was all in my mind, it didn't matter. I was going crazy anyway. It was at that chair where I sat alone, curling into it as if the arms of a lover. “It’s me,” I spoke in quiet whispers to the lingering scent and to no one at all. “I’ve botched this. I thought I was so strong and that I could do this, but I’ve ruined everything… ruined us. You said you’d wait for me on the other side, or else you’d come for me. But I’m already so lost and I don’t think I’m making it through this time. After what I’ve done, I deserve to stay here, without you. I’m so sorry, Ivan.” I pressed my palm against the chair as if to feel his heart beating one last time. “Please don’t come for me. There’s hardly any more me left…” Lowering my hand, I sat there…  just there, staring unseeingly into the shadows for a long time.

A dry knock tore through the silence and my quiet cries. I sucked in a breath and wiped the tears roughly before Kheelan could see them. When I surfaced from behind my hands, he was already awake and standing; eyes alit with alertness as he pulled his shirt on. A finger to his lips, he motioned for me to remain quiet, and without a word, strode to the door. Thankfully he made no notice of my glistening cheeks. I tipped toed behind him and slipped into Elena’s room, in case danger ensured. Closing her door, I paused, dread rooting me to the cold floor. She was gone. The bed was undone, but there were no signs of a struggle. Bowls were intact, as were chairs….  

The front door opened and instinctively I snapped two fireballs into my hands and closed my eyes, seeing the world through Kheelan’s eyes. As if whispers in a dream, what limited connection I felt through him gave me all the information I needed. An emergency meeting was taking place at the Resistance headquarters. Elena was already there, and our presence was being requested. I wondered why she hadn’t told me, why she'd gone alone, but what I heard then not only eradicated all further thought, it made my knees weak.

I sat down slowly on the edge of the bed, hearing the simple words echo in my mind and extinguish the fires in my hands. Tarshish was at war… I knew war was imminent the moment we entered Faerie. The moment I knew who I was and what was within me… but we hadn’t even reached the Tree. I didn’t expect it to happen so fast. I didn’t expect it to happen with Ivan still there. The room spun around me though it remained deathly still.

 The door closed, and within moments Kheelan appeared. Lifting my eyes to him, I could see the heaviness of it all weighing on his shoulders. Regardless of what secrets we each held, we knew the magnitude of the situation.

“A guard is waiting outside to take us to The Great Mother.” He said and let out a long breath. “We’re being called in for a—“

“I know,” I spoke softly, no longer finding voice with which to speak, or air with which to breathe.

Breaths were needed to speak, and long minutes later, I still could not find one, and so I didn’t say a word the whole way there. Lost in a tunnel of thoughts--thoughts of Ivan, of Kheelan, of Maris, of war and all the innocent lives to be lost…  I just couldn't.

The headquarters was surrounded by a formidable gate. Guards patrolled the outer grounds, some fixed, and others walking along the log gate. They were the epitome of strength, but traces of unease saturated their movements, as if a thin sheet of perspiration.  It lingered above the entire town. Where the day before the streets were filled with families unencumbered by the concerns of the world, the streets were now empty. We were admitted into the gates and into the building with no trouble thanks to our escort.  Once inside, we were led into a conference room of sorts, an open space where a long table stretched the length of the chamber. No one was sitting, but rather Fae and human alike were gathered around the table. Stained glass windows sent contrasting rainbows across the room, bathing it in a soothing spectrum, the kind I'd only find at church so many years ago. Only here, I found no peace. 

As soon as I stepped inside, conversation withered into harmonious murmurs. Eyes evaluated me, the stranger in their midst. As hurt as I was by him, I was glad Kheelan was there. When he placed a hand on my shoulder, the tension slackened, only a slight. They respected him, and thus slowly conversation resumed, even if only slightly and forced.

“These are the Resistance leaders from all the provinces,” Kheelan explained. “You’re safe here.”

I fought the urge to scoff. How many times had I heard that before, from him. I moved away from Kheelan quickly, hugging myself against the feel of him, against the antagonism in the room. I wasn’t safe. Not in that room. Not with him, especially noting the Great Mother was not there, neither was Elena. I didn’t like it. 

Large doors at the far end of the room creaked open and the room silenced instantly. When they parted fully and the Great Mother strode through, it all fell into deeper levels of silence. A discomforting silence that left my throat dry. I could see the effects of war already on her skin. It was a mask of wanting to be strong, yet fear of the unknown underscored every movement. Her eyes were pooled with sadness, and I knew she felt the end coming as well.

She stopped at the head of the table. “If everyone will please take their seats,” she said just above a whisper. Any louder and it would have been too loud in the deafening silence.

The gathered crowds dissipated, everyone taking their assigned seats. The Great Mother met my eyes then. Her mouth curved just slightly into something of a smile as she gestured to two seats at either side of her. There were four seats available in all, but she motioned to two at either side of the table. Kheelan and I walked to the foot of the table and parted ways, he to the left and me to the right. Reaching my seat felt like an eternity. I could feel eyes dissecting every inch of me in passing. Once at my seat, the Great Mother sat down, and the rest followed. Uneasily I slid into my seat. I wished I could have sat further away, where the attention wasn’t so prominent.

“It is no secret why we are here,” she said in even tones. “We were all witnesses to the veil slipping just a few nights ago… We can no longer deny it. The time of war is upon us. A war we cannot afford to lose, or else we fail ourselves and our human brothers on the other side of the veil. Word has come from a reliable source that Tarshish is at war, and at this very moment, both Seelie and Unseelie armies move toward Gri’ah. Our informant will be here shortly. He endured a long and perilous journey and needed some time to recover. In the meantime, riders have been sent out to warn the townsfolk.”

“We should let them all die! Bastards they are!” cried a voice from somewhere beside me. I didn't look to them, unable to turn away from Kheelan, who pinned me with a stare.  Any movement toward Gri’ah meant they were looking for me. We both knew this.

“There are children there. They may be heartless with us, but we will not show them that we are the animals they make us to be.” The Great Mother was firm in her speech. “Aeval and Vurim have gone there to recruit and mobilize her recently fallen army. They will hold them off in Gri’ah for as long as they can.”

“But why attack Gri’ah, and what’s it to do with us? We’re safe here, and the Tree is safe. Let the Courts kill each other,” voiced another from down the table. I lowered my eyes to the play of light on the table. It was eclipsed then by the Great Mother’s hand taking hold of mine. I didn’t deny her… couldn’t. After so many close calls, the end was finally so near I could touch it. I'd rather feel her instead.

The Great Mother drew in a slow breath. “Because something both courts have been searching for, for many years, was previously in Gri’ah.”

My stomach sunk.

She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze, no doubt feeling my hand trembling within hers. “And what they wanted in Gri’ah is now here.” Murmurs erupted, but The Great Mother held up a staying hand. “My brothers, I would like to introduce you to the Prophecy, the one who will protect the veil from those who seek to destroy it.”

The room silenced instantly, all glares fixed on me. Prophecy or not, they wished I didn’t exist. I fidgeted uncomfortably in my chair, that was already uncomfortable on its own. “I prefer just Charlotte…” I said, trying to fill in the discomforting void. All eyes remained on me, as if trying to dig into my soul to see what was so special about me. I could have saved them the time and effort and told them not much. But I just lifted a hand and waved. It was all so awkward, and the wave made it worse.

“I will not go into specifics, but Charlotte is the last time bender able to locate the veil. Xanthus wishes for her to break it and we must keep him from it.”

“Why not just kill her ourselves and prevent this bloody war?” asked a Fae a few seats away. His eyes waved in black, and I had no doubt he’d kill me himself had he the chance.

“Because I’ll kill you first.”

I froze, the frigid voice affecting me before I ever saw the person. That voice sent the air rushing from my stomach. Sent my nails digging into the table. Sent my very soul from my body and to his. All because of that voice. Ivan’s voice.

Kheelan rose sharply, his eyes icy, dread and murder swarming beneath it all. His frame grew rigid, and his jaw clenched tightly. Everyone rose as well as footfalls approached from behind. 

I sat there, shaking, and growing colder by the second.

 Slowly, Elena stepped into my frame of sight as she walked around the table and stood beside Kheelan. Her lips tightened into something of a smile, as if what approached from behind me was the answer to all of our problems. Yet, as this answer stood beside me, all I could see were my problems. 

Unmoving, I kept my gaze fixed ahead, beyond Elena and Kheelan, beyond the wall behind them… I stared, hoping I would see the never ending white light we’re usually told not to walk into. I would run into it if given the chance.

The Great Mother stepped aside, relinquishing her seat. She bowed her head toward him, and walked around me, taking the chair beside mine. Resistance members placed a hand over their hearts and bowed their heads. “Your Grace, may your wisdom guide us.” The benediction was spoken twice, and on the third I raised my eyes to him—to his Grace, to Ivan.

 I sucked in a shuddering breath, instantly lost to those eyes that seemed to go on forever in gray, never ending moonlit pools. His hair was to his shoulders now, lovely midnight waves kissed by the gray of stress and age.  Exploring all the changes on him was impossible as within seconds, the image of him vanished to flecks of color behind the tears that welled in my eyes. Every noble feature struck me, lashed me with the whip of memory. I remembered him, and couldn't remember how I could possibly forget him. There was no emotion in his face, and that hurt the most. I would have taken anything, from disgust to anger, but this indifference hurt most. When his eyes left me to tour the rest of the Resistance members, I felt hollow.

Unsmiling, Ivan trailed gray eyes along the gathered group, his sights fixing on Kheelan for a moment too long. Locking eyes with him, there was sadness, there was grief, there was war and anger. There was no doubt in my mind Ivan had seen Kheelan and I the previous night. It had, in fact, been him I smelled. In a way, I was glad about it. My goodbye to him hadn't been for nothing. He would never want me back after that.

The room fluctuated between a kaleidoscope of ice and fire, bowing out to fire once Ivan looked away from his brother. Nodding once and accepting the benediction, Ivan sat down. Everyone else followed his lead, the only sound that of fabric rustling as all took to their seats. I just stared. Though fire was Ivan’s dominant element, sitting there, it was ice that he governed. His black robe added to the cold, pretentious air, but I knew of his warmth. Memory of it blurred my eyes, and I lowered my head to hide the brimming tears. I knew of the warmth his eyes could hold, the warmth his hands could give, the warmth of his kiss.

It was warmth that trailed down my cheeks then. Ivan slid his gaze back to me and finally I saw something in his stare. It was the way his brow dipped slightly, barely enough to be noticed, that broke me. He was worried. When I touched the warmth now trickling down my lips, I knew why. My hand came away stained with blood. We’d only just been reunited and there was already blood being spilled. I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of it all. We’d been through enough to realize that we were not all going to make it out alive. Wiping my blood laced tears, I stood slowly knowing which one of us would die. 

Before he could say anything, I turned my back on them all and walked from the room, droplets of my blood and life marking my path.

I ran as far as my legs could take me, through a small expanse of forest, toward an opening where I could see the ocean and the black skies above it. I stumbled forward toward it, until Maris clipped my strength and I stumbled down. And there, as Maris swirled at the pit of my stomach and jagged rocks punctured my knees, I saw the beginnings of my demise in the blood I threw up. Twigs snapped behind me, piercing the quiet roar of the ocean. Quick shuffling steps brought someone near. Their hand came upon my shoulder, and through my stringy hair, I watched their familiar face dip beside mine. She brushed back the sweat dampened strands, concern marking her brow.

The Great Mother rubbed my back in rhythmic circles, seeming to grow paler with each rotation. “I need to get help.”

I flinched, gripping her wrist with little strength. Still, I refused to let go. I gulped down the urge to release more. “No, don’t. I don’t need them.”

“But, you’re in pain!” she hissed frantically, in a voice I never thought I’d hear directed at me. It was fear, not from the Great Mother to the Prophecy, but from a mother to a daughter.  Fear brimmed as tears in her eyes. “This-this monster is destroying you from within. You need help. Please, Charlotte. “She stood and made to call for help.

“You owe me.” That was all I said, halting her mid-step. She turned around slowly, the truth of my words dawning in her stare. She owed me everything her absence denied me, all the things a mother was supposed to offer. A mother would stay there and understand me. A mother—my mother would stay there because I needed her there. She knelt, albeit reluctantly, and pulled me into her arms, giving me exactly what I needed. We sat in silence for some time, as the urges to gag eased.

The Great Mother—my mother turned my head and wiped the blood from my mouth with her sleeve. “You’ve just come to me and she’s taking you away from me,” she said just above a whisper, shaking her head. “I can’t lose you again.” 

 I lowered my head away, collapsing down until my head rested on her lap. She brushed fingers through my hair continuously, coaxing my heart back to its steady rhythm. We must have looked like quite a sight there, as if enjoying a summer breeze in a lake house somewhere far from Coleck… far from Faerie. Though completely out of place, sitting there, at that moment with my mother was the closest to normal I’d ever felt.  

“You were right…” I spoke into the open air, averting my face. If only that was enough to hide the shame of my stupidity. “ Maris told me everything, about her and Kheelan. They were lovers… It’s the only reason he’s stuck with me—the only reason he’s ever…” wanted me.

She let out a long breath that was cool and skimmed my cheek. “I’m so sorry. I knew something was off with him, with the way he looked at you while not really looking at you. I just… I felt it.” She reached out and took my hand. I didn’t move it away. “I’m still sorry about this. But now his Grace is here—“

The Great Mother stopped abruptly as under her hand I stiffened at feeling Maris contract in my stomach again. I suppressed the need to heave, shaking my head.

“She’s going to kill me if I choose him, and I’m tired.” I looked to her. “I’m so, so tired.” I broke down. But for the first time in a lifetime of needing her, my mother was there. She wrapped her arms around me, and suddenly I wasn’t the only one that wept. I closed my eyes against her chest the way I’d dreamt a million times in those lonely days while at home by myself. And she held me tightly, whispering hushing sounds above my head while rocking me lightly, soothingly, letting my tears dampen her dress as her own tears dampened my hair.

“Your time to rest will come,” she said, recovering, “but it will not be at the hand of that—that demon. Maris cannot own you.” She turned my head to hers, wiping my tears away. “This is your body, a body I gave birth to. Fight her with everything you have left. You have to fight. And that battle will start by talking to him.” She pulled me away gently and stared into my eyes, her look holding all the truth I could bear. “He loves you, Charlotte. Ivan truly loves you.”

I shook my head, looking away from the truth in her eyes. A truth I’d ruined. “I don’t deserve him, not anymore.”

She smoothed the hair away from my face. “Talk to him—shh, listen to me,” she said, cutting me off as I shook my head, intent on speaking. “I may not have been there for you, I know this, and I am so sorry. But I never stopped loving you, and it is this love that tells me you need to talk to Ivan.”

I stared at her for a long time, trying to find strength to borrow. I found it. I found it in how her eyes gleamed when she looked at me. In how she cradled my face and nodded once, believing that I could do this. It was the look that told me that regardless of what transpired with Ivan, with Kheelan, she would be there. 

Holding fast to that look, I nodded. She smiled, a single tear shedding from her eyes. Standing, she made to move away but stopped when I refused to let go of her hand. If the eyes were the windows to the soul, then she understood in that moment, when I squeezed her hand gently, I’d forgiven her. And though feeling more lost than ever, I found my mother.

“Mom—"

Anger pooled around me and made me tremble as Maris’ screams inside my head erupted like a volcano.  But in seeing my mother’s eyes widen and look around frantically, I knew I wasn’t the only one shaking. The ground shifted underfoot as I shook to the point it felt my soul was vibrating out of my body.

I wanted to think of something else, of the why, the how, but there was nothing else. There was only a black blur surrounding the memories of Kheelan that Maris spewed into the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t even see my mother’s face anymore. Only Kheelan… the man whose love Maris was denied, the man whose love she would not be denied again.

I keeled over, ache spreading from my core to my extremities in an agonizing flame.  Around me, the world vanished to a void of screams as many ran for what safety they could find, while the ground continued to jerk violently. Chaos spewed out from my mouth as screams, and blood, contaminating everything around me. The winds grew more unsettled, and like injecting the earth with my pain, funnels shot into the ground. Every vortex that touched down in the distance felt like a balm to my pain. Maris’ rage no longer lived within me, scarring me inside. Had Elena been near, I’m sure she would have tried to slap me, convinced that it was Maris taking over.

Thing was, it was Maris and it wasn’t. She wanted to end it all because she couldn’t be with Kheelan. I wanted to end it all because I was tired… so damned tired. And that was the moment she had been waiting for. She’d been quiet, gathering up her strength for this moment—for the moment where I was too weakened to fight, so she could take over my body. And she was doing it. While she’d been weakening me with guilt and eroding me with confusion, she’d been growing stronger, and now it was war—within me. 

Holding fast to my mother's words, I fought her with what strength remained as she lifted my hands toward the oceans in the distance and called to the waters. Instantly the animal that was the ocean responded, the ferociousness of the waves hooking onto my fingertips. I gripped the air as if fisting satin sheets and dragged my hands up into the air. A tidal wave rose in the distance, a lover answering my call. She dragged it closer, when suddenly we hit a wall of resistance. In the blurring edges of my sight, a shadow drew up beside me. Walking in between my outstretched arms, warm hands then cradled my neck.

“Focus on me, Charlotte,” The shadow whispered through the madness. Slowly it materialized, and gray eyes found mine. “Focus on me…”

As if falling through the sky, I fell and fell into his eyes. And in looking at him, I saw him. Not just him, but all of him. Open and exposed, I fell into his soul, into everything he was, into everything he wanted to be. Into his memories of me, of us. 

Eyes focused on mine, he traced a series of symbols on my chest. They burned, but in this secret place within him, it didn’t hurt me. In that instant, nothing else existed. Just the expanse of Ivan’s mind, of his fears, of this love that though forced into, had somehow taken root and grown into its own entity. One separate from duty. One separate from guilt. It was true, and honest. It was love.

I’d made love to him, but in that moment nothing else could compare. And navigating his thoughts, I felt Maris wither into the recesses of my mind. With a gasp, my leash on the ocean broke. The fierce powers shot back into me with a vengeance, breaking me. I clenched my teeth against the burn, and had Ivan not been there, I would have hit the ground like a bolt of lightning. Instead, he held me and eased me down onto the ground that by and by stopped trembling. But I still trembled as Maris refused to let go. She was clawing, almost as if trying to break from my body and run to Kheelan.

Above me, Ivan continued whispering quiet words until her clawing dissipated to slow whimpers fading into a dark place. I pained for her, for her breaking heart in knowing that with Ivan there, Kheelan would never reach me, reach her.

With my last breath, she whispered, “I won’t lose him again,” before fading to the nothingness of my thoughts. 

In the void, I held on to sight of Ivan staring down at me for a bit longer, until my heartbeats found their way, and my breaths their rhythm. I closed my eyes, just as I’d done that morning. Opening them, gray eyes still stared down at me, strong arms still embraced me. He was still there. Whether of duty, of love... it no longer mattered. He was there.

Maris would come back with a vengeance, there was no doubt in my mind. I’d lost control of my powers, and that meant one thing: Xanthus now knew where I was. Yes, he’d come with war on his heels, but at that moment, as Ivan held me, I relished in seconds of peace. A peace I knew was fleeting, but a peace that gave me time to realize just how much I loved Ivan. Peace enough to realize that he was better off without me.  

                                                                                             ***

A/N: Thank you for reading, and sorry for the delay. I've had a hard time feeling this story lately, so the chapters have been that much harder to write. I hope this one came out okay, and that you all enjoyed it.