Chapter Eleven

I held myself very still as waves of emotion knocked ragingly against my stomach. Nauseated, I gripped the doorframe, holding onto the fraying edges of my sanity.  I smelled Ivan everywhere, haunting me like a ghost. I struggled for a breath, but his phantasm’s scent wrapped its invisible fingers around my lungs and refused to let them contract. Reason warred with doubt, and I couldn’t force my eyes to believe what was in front of me: a dead girl whose ashen skin was stained with Ivan’s branding marks.

 I took a single slow step back. The world wobbled in my head as if I’d taken millions of steps in contrasting directions all at once. Breathless, I looked around to see if anyone else felt it. Through the specs of color they’d all become behind my tears, I could see they all stood perfectly still. It was only me that shook. Only the foundations of my soul were rocked to the core.

“Do you believe it now?” Vlane hissed behind me. “Do you accept that your common is a murderer and a traitor to the cause?” The satisfaction in his voice was as scalding as his anger.

“The Great Mother said we mustn’t rush to judgments,” Vurim started from beside us. Vlane would have none of it.

“You’re as ridiculous as all of them, old man! All of you all believed His Grace would help us. My sister died proving you all wrong! ” His strained voice echoed down the hall, repeating the accusations over and over.

“Ivan must have had a reason,” Kheelan said in a dangerous calm. “If he killed her—“

“He didn’t kill her…” My words came out as a breath, yet ravaged like a whirlwind. They too echoed through the hall in a violent gust of wind, as if chasing Vlane’s accusations to the ends of the earth. The gaslights outside of each door exploded in a booming synchronicity with my passing voice. Everyone flinched as shards of glass burst around us, casting deathly rainbows in the glaring light coming in from outside. The release was a sad imitation to the rage welling inside of me.  Only fire from the sun would have been a balm to my pain.

I reeled in my anger, using it to push out the last of my words. All the while, shards of glass remained stagnant in the air like razor sharp snowflakes. They trembled the way I did when saying, “Ivan may have left me, but he would never do this. Even he would not be so heartless, and I won’t believe it until he tells me himself…”

As I said the words, I forced myself to believe them. But not knowing when—if I would ever see Ivan again gnawed at my conviction, and the shards of glass shattered against the floor.

“He won’t ever get the chance,” Vlane said, drawing dangerously closer to me. Aeval held a hand to his chest, but with a feral growl Vlane brushed it aside angrily, silver eyes boring into mine. “I’m going to kill him the second I lay eyes on him. You protected his brother; but His Grace will die. So will you if you get in the way.”

Beside me Kheelan stiffened. His tightened fists crunched like ground ice…or rather, bones. I knew whose bones he had in mind. I held up a staying hand to Kheelan. The other I lifted between Vlane and I.  I spread my palm open before our stares. With the agonizing beat of my broken heart, I whirled an orb of fire within my palm and spun it tauntingly before his eyes. The orange flares reflected dangerously in his silvery stare that flickered with black rage, illuminating the truths of his mind. He really did mean to kill Ivan. He wouldn’t have to. If Ivan branded and killed Gwin, I’d be the one to do it.

A low rumbling resounded when behind Vlane, Fae guards appeared from the stairwell. They mobilized, snapping their elements into hand at seeing the flaming orb in mine. It did things to me, seeing them there ready to fight. I needed a release, and I’d level the building if given the chance.

Aeval reached for Vlane again with more vigor, while Vurim stepped between us and the opposing guards. “This isn’t the time or the place! Have some respect for the dead—”

“What is the meaning of all of this?” A woman’s disbelieving voice tore at everyone’s gazes. All except for mine. There was pure rage in her voice, and the singular note of authority. I didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. The tension in every body that moment spoke louder than words ever could. The Great Mother.

The sentries instantly lowered all ice rapiers and fire whips, their heads too bowing. Their stiffness was palpable as if they’d turned to stone at the voice.

 My gaze remained trained on Vlane, fighting the murderous urges flowing through my body. His glare didn’t abandon me either, though it was failing. His attention was wilting under the approach of the woman whose footfalls drew closer. A creak in the hardwood floor revealed she was right behind me. At the sound, Vlane lost our war of eyes. Flicking them over my shoulder, his steely gaze fixed on the woman at my back.

Vlane inclined his head rigidly and the muscles of his jaw tightened as he gazed at the woman. “Great Mother,” was all he said, confirming my beliefs.

A suddenly tense Kheelan put a hand on my shoulder and drew me back to myself.  In a flash of vision, through his eyes I saw who the voice belonged to. She was a middle aged woman with long blondish hair touched by strands of silver.  It was tied back into a low pony tail which made her sharp features more prominent, especially her ashen blue eyes.

A burning sensation trickled up my spine. I turned slowly, my movements rusted by the sensation of being dropped headfirst into a glacial pool. Fully turned, I met her stare, and that frozen pool turned into a pit of fire. I knew her. She was painfully familiar.  She was everything I used to be. The world seemed to stop around us, giving me time to piece it all together. It all fell into a perfect and sick perspective. No wonder Xanthus chose the Great Mother--my mother-- as his domis. Being the egotistical bastard, he’d want someone who looked like him. And who better to bear his child.

Shock made ice of my heart. Realization made fire of my blood.  I didn’t say anything. Neither did she. There were so many things flashing through her eyes in that moment, and they trailed each other quietly along her face. There was surprise, worry, shock…

“Everyone leave,” she ordered, quieter than an exhale. It could have just as well been a whirlwind at how fast the guards cleared out. Aeval tugged at Vlane’s arm. He snatched it back, fighting to remain where he stood.

“You will not disobey my orders, Vlane,” said the Great Mother—my mother, never abandoning my stare. “Regardless of how hurt you are, what you’ve done so far warrants some repercussion. Don’t make me regret my decision to look past it…”  She turned to Vlane. So did I. She meant it to stress her point. I meant it to piss him off.

Touring his eyes between us, Vlane’s lips tightened into a grim line. He walked backwards a few steps until standing at the threshold to Gwin’s room. There, he stood for long moments, his glare darkening. Vurim passed him and put a hand on his shoulder, bringing him further into the room. Aeval entered last and closed the door between our stares. Through the wood, I could still feel Vlane’s stare digging into my skin.

A tense silence swept through the hall.

A maid—obvious by her wooden bucket and the brushes peeking out from within—stepped out of one of the rooms. Lifting her eyes, the girl sucked in a breath and froze at sight of the Great Mother. She curtsied clumsily.  

“Is the room vacant?” the Great Mother inquired sharply.

The young girl managed a stiff nod, auburn curls escaping their confines and tumbling down face. “Y-Yes, Great Mother. Cleaned it myself j-just n-now.”

The Great Mother nodded once and waved her on. When the young girl scurried past us, the Great Mother motioned toward the room. “With Gwin’s death, my dwelling is overrun with citizens demanding answers. I’m certain your presence here may not be so accepted,” she said to Kheelan. “You understand, you’re His Grace’s brother.”

“But nothing has been proven,” Kheelan said, something between a fearful question and a statement.

The Great Mother shook her head. “No one knows for sure, only that her body was taken from His Grace’s chamber, branded and dead.”

I tried to keep my gaze steady, but faltered just like my faith. Whatever doubt I had before, vanished. It was in fact his smell, and they were in fact his marks. Whether  or not he killed Gwin, she bore his marks and I didn’t. I leaned back against the wall, suddenly feeling bereft.

“Gwin was the messenger between His Grace and the Resistance. Branding was not supposed to take place, though in the back of my mind I feared it. Kala’el was growing increasingly suspicious. Gwin had visited him four times before, and His Grace had yet to brand her. I’m surprised we hadn’t been discovered earlier. His Grace must have had no choice but to brand her. As for her death…” The Great Mother sighed. “Only His Grace will be able to explain it. He must be given that chance before we cast our judgment.”

I looked at her and she gave me a knowing nod, as if what she was saying was supposed to make everything better. Images of Gwin’s marks swirled in my mind. I couldn’t push past it.

“Perhaps we shouldn’t speak of this here. Come,” she said and started down the hall. After a few steps she stopped, when she saw I didn’t follow.

Instinctively I reached for Kheelan, my eyes boring into his. “Don’t you dare leave.”

The Great Mother’s voice cut through my plea. “You’re safe here, Charlotte. No one will hurt you. You can trust—”

“Regardless of who you are, I don’t know you,” I replied, not bothering to look at her.  But then I turned, so she could feel the full extent of my wrath. “And I don’t trust you.”

Hurt flashed across her eyes. It only gave me a slight of satisfaction. I’d hurt her for only one minute. She’d hurt me my entire life.

Kheelan looked to the Great Mother. His jaw set, and he then settled his eyes on mine. “A moment please, Great Mother,” Kheelan said over his shoulder. She might have nodded, but I didn’t tear my gaze away from Kheelan.

Before he said a word, I knew he meant to leave me alone with her. When he cupped my cheek, it confirmed my fear.

I spoke first. “Did you know?” I asked for Kheelan’s ears only, seeing the Great Mother waiting at the door to the room. Anger roiled again at the sight of her, and sadly Kheelan was closest to feel its burn. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? Is this one of the many secrets you’ve been keeping from me to keep me safe?”

Kheelan cradled my shoulders with a weighty sigh. I tried snatching them away. He didn’t let me. “I promise you, I didn’t know this. Believe me, seeing her is hard for me as well. My father died freeing her from Xanthus’ clutches. But I never imagined the Great Mother was your mother. Once she was freed and my father was killed, I severed my relations with the Resistance. I had enough of my own problems going on, and to be honest, I did and still hold them responsible for my father’s death. I’ve only come back now to give you a chance.”

I looked up to him. His eyes were steely, and I could feel the tension of his anger in how tightly he held me. I didn’t move away. He’d shared in my pain for so long. I could take on some of his.

He noticed me tense though, and his grip slackened. He brought me closer and exhaled sharply, his breath rustling my hair. “Believe me, princess, I never would have kept this from you. I carried out my father’s orders, and reported directly to him. There was no Great Mother when I dealt with the Resistance. But there is now, and fate seems to be dealing in your favor.”

I gave a humorless laugh. “Hardly. This is just the icing on the cake.” I looked down the hall, to the Great Mother waiting at the door. “A really bitter cake.”

Kheelan chuckled. “It may not be the ideal situation, but above all, this is your mother. And had I known, I would have told you, and would have encouraged you to come here. Not just because of the Tree and the veil. I would have brought you to give you the chance I didn’t have. You can’t leave things as they are. Give her a chance to explain…something I never did with my mother, and now it’s too late.” He trailed a hand along my jaw. “If you don’t do this for yourself, do it for me.”

His eyes were dark and grave. I lowered my head, not knowing what to think, to believe, to say. One thing was for certain: I couldn’t say no. Not when his regret struck me as his own, and when I still felt so guilty over Her Grace’s death.

I looked back to Kheelan, wavering.

I’ll be right outside, he whispered through my thoughts, stroking my hair reassuringly. His hand fell away then. Entwining it with mine, we met the Great Mother at the end of the hall. Her blue eyes flitted to my hands joined with Kheelan’s, and then back to my eyes. She didn’t say anything and walked in first.

Her gaze, however, lingered in my memory, and I stiffened. It struck me the wrong way. The disapproval in her eyes was familiar, and it left a metallic taste in my mouth. It was as if I’d felt it before, a great dissatisfaction on the man I chose to be with. 

At the door, Kheelan gave my hand a final squeeze that tore through the strange sensation I was experiencing. A small, reassuring smile curved his fine lips. It made it easier to shake the foggy memories that drifted too far for me to get a clear picture.

He brought my hand to his lips and kissed them lightly. “I’m right here.”

“I know,” I said. He let go of my hand and stepped back. I let out a long breath and closed the door between Kheelan and I before I changed my mind.  

The room was small, with very little furniture. A bed, a tall dresser and wardrobe encompassed the small quarters. There was a small table with two chairs by the window where the Great Mother had drawn the checkered curtains closed and sat. Unable to sit or be near her, I trailed my fingers along the curved vines of the fireplace.

Quiet spread between us, thick and sweltering. Tense was an underestimation, and awkwardness an understatement. I felt caged behind bars of bitterness and anger.

“Charlotte?” She spoke first from across the room. Hearing my name from the Great Mother’s mouth did things to me, almost as if she’d spoken a curse. I turned very slowly to her. She motioned for me to sit beside her, but I let my silence answer.  I remained by the fireplace, finding comfort in the familiarity of the flames.

She smiled a small smile and lowered her eyes. “Very well.”

Another moment of quiet and she cleared her throat. “Charlotte, do you who I am?” she asked slow and hesitant.

Little sparks of fire popped in the hearth. “I know exactly who you are. You’re the Great Mother,” I answered plainly, hoping she sensed the sarcasm in my voice.

“That I am,” she said, smoothing down her robe on her lap. She plucked at the material, and it was as if she were plucking at my defenses. I turned around to the fire and chased the dancing flames with my eyes.

“Charlotte, I don’t know how much you remember about yourself…about who you used to be before—“

“Before Maris unleashed hell in my life?” I gave her a look. “I remember very well what a sad and lonely existence I lived before.”

She was quiet.               

I scoffed. “Like I said, I know exactly who you are…” I turned back to the fire.  “And if you expected some tearful reunion, then I’m sorry to dampen your dreams. The only reason I’m here is because Kheelan asked me to give you a chance. Otherwise…”

She clasped her hands together on the wooden table. She had small hands, like mine. She gazed to the door as if wishing to look through it. “I guess we can’t speak as freely as I’d hoped.” There was deep regret in her voice.

 “Kheelan is above spying, if that’s what you mean,” I said derisively, making no effort to hide the grudge in my voice, and not admitting that Kheelan had severed our connection the moment I walked in the door.

“That isn’t who I meant, but that is its own concern…” she said cryptically and lowered her eyes. “I was under the impression that His Grace was your common. I was just a bit surprised to see—“

 “You’re unbelievable,” I hissed, her words skewering me. I spun to her, no longer able to breathe through the tension in the room. “I didn’t come here to be lectured on who I keep company, and truthfully, you don’t have that right.”

My words cut through the seemingly impenetrable ice in her eyes. She swallowed visibly. “Fair enough. I deserve that. I only want to be open and honest with you. My reasons may never justify what I did, but you are my daughter and I do still worry for your safety.”

I chuckled humorlessly. “You deserve a hell of a lot more than that, trust me. Regardless of what a Great Mother you claim to be, I never saw that—no scratch that, I never saw a mother at all. Save your concern for someone looking for closure. I’m only here to discover where this damn veil is. After that I’m gone, and we can go on pretending neither one of us exists.”

Years of frustration, and loneliness, and rejection exploded from my mouth. “You want to be open and honest? I needed a mother. How’s that for open? I needed to know that I looked like someone—that I wasn’t alone through all these ridiculous changes. I needed someone so I didn’t live in a house by myself.” My hands trembled, and the flames at the hearth folded and unfolded into one another, tangling red and orange knots before popping into flares of blue fire. “Alone—that was my life. While you were here with your little huntsmen, I was alone, dealing with seals breaking apart within me, with my life being threatened from inside and out. You say Kheelan carries its own concern? Well he’s always been there! You haven’t, and now it’s too late. There’s your honesty, Great Mother.”

The Great Mother’s eyes flicked to the fire, a slight worry in her stare. Sweat gathered at her brow. I realized then that the temperature in the room had swelled, and even the walls were sweating. I extended a blink to tame my heart that crashed against my ribs and eased the fire to its normal song.

The Great Mother reached beside her and unlatched the window, allowing for a cool breeze to enter. After a few minutes, she dabbed at her sweat with her sleeve and lowered her hands to the table. They trembled. I chuckled bitterly.

“I’m sorry, Charlotte. I didn’t mean to upset you. I think we’ve started off on the wrong foot, and you’re right. I have no right to question the choices you make. I have a deep respect for Kheelan, as I do for his brother and had for their father”

Her apology meant nothing. My blood still pumped ragingly. I took off around the room, needing some kind of release for my anger.

Trying to force some neutrality, and keep my promise to Kheelan, I willed myself to sit down on the edge of the bed. Calling to another gust of wind to cool me down, I closed my eyes and let it brush around me. The Great Mother furrowed deeper into her cloak.

After a long moment of floundering, I found something to ask. “So how did you end up being Great Mother? I thought only my father was Fae, yet here you are, leading both human and Fae. What’s so special about you?”

She let out a long breath. “It isn’t that there is anything special about me, Charlotte. It’s what I stand for. When Her Grace and Commissioner Stokaya—may their souls rest in peace— freed me, it was the ultimate uniting force for the Fae and humans who wished to abolish the domis system. To free the domis of a king had never happened before. But my liberation birthed hope to domis’ all over Faerie. Thus, the Great Mother. Once I secured your safety and drew the hunters away from Tom, the Resistance took me in. My presence has helped us grow united and stronger in the cause.” She shook her head solemnly, crystalline eyes glinting with unshed tears. “But I thought of you every day. I never wanted to leave, but in the end, it was best for—“

My hands flinched over my ears. “Stop. Don’t say what I know you’re going to say because I swear if I hear that word one more time…” The flames flared again. I fisted the sheets, as if digging for understanding.  “Why does everyone suddenly think that it’s okay to abandon me for some cause, yet I always get the short end of the stick? Is that supposed to make everything better? It doesn’t make it okay for Ivan, and he’s my soul mate. I hardly know you, except that you’re the woman who gave birth to me, and suddenly it’s supposed to be okay that you left because of duty? No. It hurts to be left behind, and I don’t do that for the people I love. I stick around for them, and if need be, I’d die for them. But I’d never abandon them.”

I released the sheets, spent and utterly tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally…

“Sometimes the ones who hurt you the most do it because they care the most. I never wanted to leave you, just as I’m confident His Grace didn’t either.“ She abandoned her seat by the window and joined me on the edge of the bed. I stiffened, but fought the urge to back away for Kheelan’s sake. I wished it was for mine, but anger numbed my emotions, and I couldn’t feel anything for her in that moment.

The Great Mother reached out to touch my hand, but hesitated. After a second of indecision, she retracted it back to her lap. “I may not know about your life or about your choices, but from what I have dealt with Ivan, all he’s ever wanted was to protect you. He didn’t trust me with your location even though he knew I was your mother. If you’d never gone to Gri’ah, we never would have known where you were. I think he would have taken your location to his death just to give you a chance. Whatever it was you two had, it was strong and--”

“It died,” I said. Whether by his killing Gwin, by my feelings for his brother, or both, I didn’t know. I lowered my head, suddenly ashamed, and devastatingly confused. “Look, I tried, but I can’t do this with you,” I said quietly, finally feeling some emotion: a knot in my throat. Only those people you care about have the power to hurt you, and having her there beside me was starting to hurt and overwhelm my anger. But I refused to fold.

Before a breath, I was by the door. I didn’t want her to see me cry. I gripped the doorknob and went to open it when her voice reeled me back.

“Whether you consider me your mother or not, I will still do all I can to protect you. The best way I know how is to warn you—guard yourself against those who you think you know. I’m sorry I cannot be clearer and must remain so cryptic, but true intentions will be revealed soon enough. In the meantime, protect yourself. Ask questions… of everyone.”

I stood frozen, trying to plough through her words. Her warning frightened me, made worse because whenever I did ask Kheelan something, he never answered.

I swallowed. “Are we done here? I’d like to clean up and rest before more attempts are made on my life.”

Her footsteps drew close. She appeared beside me, and the next thing I knew, her arms were around me. I gripped the doorknob severely, but let her hold me for a second as moment of respect for Her Grace and Kheelan.

The moment over, I eased her arms from around me and turned the knob. Opening the door, sight of Kheelan leaning again the opposing wall drew the first tear from my eyes. My lungs finally contracted and I could breathe again. I smelled the ocean.

Kheelan pushed off the wall, holding a hand out for my taking. I slid it into his and let him draw me from the room. He inclined his head to the Great Mother who stood at the threshold, a grim line set on her mouth. She returned the gesture stiffly.

Kheelan and I started down the hall when the Great Mother’s voice echoed behind us.

“Please remember, Charlotte, I am here for whenever you need me,” she said, a clear sense of urgency and worry in her voice.

I turned and met her familiar stare. “I think it’s a little too late for that.”

“It’s never too late,” she said, “For any of us.”

Holding the Great Mother’s gaze for an added moment, I let Kheelan take me away with the nudging feeling that there was more to her words than I would have liked.