It's a filler. But it get angsty. Alright, enjoy! 


I was the reason Thomas was like this, I wanted to fix the mess I made.

But I suppose I would only make it worse.

I already have.   

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Alex* 

Thomas asked t talk to James and we all just kinda awkwardly shuffled away. 

"Alex, did you do something?" Was the first thing that John asked me. 
"Why do you just assume I did something?" I said calmly. 
"Because your why he would even be like this in the first place. Ou ne vous souvenez-vous pas?"
                                                                                                                                  (Or do you not remember?) 
"I know, but he is better now, and I don't really talk to him much." 
"You talked to him earlier today in the cafe," Laf suggested. 

Just then reality whacked me with a sack of potatoes.

"Oh shoot." 
"What?" 
"Uh, nothing, hold on I gotta go talk to Thomas." With that, I got up and hurriedly walked over to him. 

He and James were hugging when I walked up. I decided not to bother and just left. I walked back to my dorm instead and did the only thing I knew how to do right. 

I wrote. 

And wrote until there was no natural light. I heard doors closing and opening. I heard my door open and saw the dim light flood in, in a thin line. 

"Yes?" I didn't bother looking over to who was at the door. 
"You said you were going to talk to Thomas, but you left to here." 
"Thomas and James were hugging, so I left not wanting to ruin the moment and leave them be. I caused it anyway. " 
"It's been 7 hours since then, how long have you been writing." 
"well, 7 hours I guess," I said, still not looking up. 
"Alex, that's not healthy." 
"I know Herc. But its all I can think to do." 
"What happened to you?" 
I looked up now. 

"What are you talking about?" 
"You used to be a strong tough Alex, now your just falling apart in self-pity." 
"It's not self-pity Herc! It's called pain, its called depression!" I said getting frustrated. 
"That only answers one thing Alexander!" 
"I was never strong! I was never tough! OKay? I was never okay! It was a cover for all the crap I went through and the realization that I am a horrible person! So now your questions are answered! Happy?" 

It was silent for a few seconds. Before Herc spoke again. 

"Sorry to tell you Alex but.." He leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed. "No one is going to feel sorry for you. You are putting yourself down and putting yourself through this. We will stand by you to help you if you need help, but we aren't going to pity you." 

I stare at Herc. I can't believe what he just said. Does he not realize? 

"Yeah, I appreciate that help, but I don't mean to put myself down. I put myself down because in my mind I truly think I'm worthless." 

He shifted his stance, and walked towards my bed, sitting down on the end of it. 

 "I don't need pity, nor do I want it. I want my mind to stop being so messed up. I don't know why I'm depressed. I have amazing friends, I have a great education, what is there to be depressed about? I don't know. I'm tired of out of nowhere having a panic attack and feeling like I'm dying. I'm tired of it. But I can't stop it! Don't come into my room and tell me that I'm doing this for pity or that I purposely put myself down because I don't Hercules!" 

It was a deadly silence, once again. I turned towards my desk and continued writing. 

"Alex, I'm sorry. But recovery starts now. Since you can admit it, I'm making sure you go to that therapist that Thomas set up for you." 
"Herc-" 
"Nope, it's happening." 
"Did you do all this just so I could admit it." 
"Well, I mean I didn't want an entire rant, but I got what I wanted." 

I knew it. Herc was too kind to be that harsh for real. He was too gentle. 

"Thanks." 
"Mhm... night Alex." 
"Night Herc." 


Herc left, and I continued writing. I logged a total of 2 hours of sleep. I only have 3 classes tomorrow anyway. 

*Thomas* 

James helped me up in time for me to see Alexander walking away, hands in his pockets and head up, looking towards the sky. 

Mhpm. I've never really seen him look that peaceful. It's odd. But refreshing. After that James and I went to the cafe, just to talk.  

"Do you think you need to see Dr.Borden again?" 

I pondered seeing my old therapist again. 

"I don't know, I just had an anxiety attack." 
"Are you taking your anti-anxiety pills?" 
"Yes...but not as often..." 
"Why not!??" 
"I was better! I didn't need them as much." 

He gave me a pleading look. 
"I'll take them  on a regular basis again I guess." 
He just nods and smiles.  

We stayed here until it got dark out before heading back to our dorms. We took the long way because it was a nice night and we could see the stars. We kept staring up at the stars and absent-mindedly took the long way. 

I was snapped back to reality when I heard a faint yelling. It sounded like... Herc? Wait... Now Alex? What? I stopped and listened but only got a little bit of it. 

  "Yeah, I appreciate that help, but I don't mean to put myself down. I put myself down because in my mind I truly think I'm worthless." 

What?! That doesn't sound like Alex. Was he seeing the therapist I signed him up for? I mean I knew he was depressed but I didn't think it was that bad. I shook my head trying to shake the thoughts of a crippling Alex. 

It's just not right. 

"You good Thomas?" 
"Mm? Oh... yeah. Let's go." 

He slung his arm over my shoulders as we continued to walk. 

Once we got back to the dorm and trudged to my room and flopped down on my bed.

Images of an anxiety-paralyzed Alex still flashing through my mind as I drifted off to sleep. 

A/N HEYYYYYYYYYYY HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!! ANYWAY! Hope yall enjoyed and thank you for reading aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddd 
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