This song is by one of me favorite youtubers, and the relationship described in the song is kinda like the relationship between Thomas and his dad. I'll explain more later. 

  I wish he would smile like that all the time. Jeez, I really gotta ask him out on a date.   

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A/N Like I sai this chapter starts back from the end of chapter 38 so dont be alarmed and dont be confuesed. 

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*Thomas* 

"Fine." I instantly regret that. I dont want to tell him.He wont care anyway he'll laugh saying I just want attention. 

Thats what they all say. 

"Okay.Well....do you wanna go first or...me?"

Get it over with or wait it out?

Get it over with.


"Me..." He leans forward a little bit. He didnt hear me, maybe I could change what I said...
"Me." I find myself repeating louder.

Even Alex seems shocked.

"Um okay...whenever your ready."

It was dead silent. The birds all hiding away in their nest in fear of the rain that was bound to come. 

"W-where do I s-start?"

"The very begining. Why did you react like that?..." His voice wasnt above a whisper, as if he was scared he would knock me over if he talked too loud. 

"O-okay." I took a few seconds to get my breating under control. I never told anyone this, well except for Mad's. 

But that took a while for me to tell him.Why was it so easy with Alexander, especially after what he did to me? 

I will never not be confused by that. He hasnt come close to making up for everything he did to me. I dont know how long it will be until he has broke even with me. I dont know how or why I started to go back in aa downward spiral. I was getting better! I was getting better while Alex was getting worse. Now Alex is as good as can be while I'm breaking apart in front of everyone's eyes, only, no one seems to notice. No one seems to see me. 

Alex does.

Maybe that's why I trust him so much. He's the only one who is taking notice.

How will he think of me after I tell him most of my childhood?
Will he draw back?

He hasnt asked me out yet, like he said he would. Although who would?

Maybe he's just looking for a reason. 

No he has plenty of reasons. Look at me. 

.
.
.

It seems that while Alex was rotting in the hospital I started to break, not being able to be with him as much as I now know I needed. He was fighting to get better, he was gaining the strength he needed to get better, to be better. 


"I was only 10 when she left. I was still young and I didnt know anybetter. But I unnderstood at the time why she left. No my father didnt cheat, no he wasnt abusive...at the time...and no he didnt sto loving her. He never stopped loving her. My mother walked out. She came p to my room one night while I was singing to my music... s-she told me she didnt want me anymore. She didnt want a kid and I was the mistake in her life that held her back. I was why she failed. She told me she couldnt live with a burden like that. She said that my father would never let me go, and if I didnt go she had to go. So she did."

Tears cascaded down my face, but I worked hard to keep my voice steady. 

"She walked out and my father was broken. Just as I was. He missed her. He loved her. I was broken because of what m mother said. Can you imagine...after what she said to me I still missed her, I still loved her. But can you imagine a mother telling her ony kid that he was a burden a mistake and a baracrade from her dreams. That lays heavy with a kid. At my aage no matter what anyone said I believed it. Because my mom was never wrong. In the time I knew her she was never wrong about anything. Always winning in little funny arguments with my dad, she always was right. So why would she be wrong about me?" 

I laughed airly and dryly at some points in my words, tears heavily flowing down my face. But I got used to them...because they came so often, they had carved trails down my face from the nights I spent in my room not being able to stand but not wanting to sit, stuck in a prison of the depression and fear I felt. (It hurt me so bad to write that... I dont wanna write this anymore. I'm describing myself d.u.d.e. My poor Tommy lemon.) 

"So while my father wasted away in his room cring over the disapearance of my mother I wasted away in my room, breaking -" dang it I choked.  "Beaking over what she said to me, what I believed. I broke apart and fell into a pit of emptiness, of sorrow and pain. I pushed away the depression I felt, trying to be there for my dad. He loved me. He never blamed me for her leaving, even if...even though it was my fault. He told me that we would keep smiling together and get through it together. So thats what I did. I pushed everything." Dang I choked again. I have to keep my voice steady. 

You'll look weak. 
I know shut up I'm trying okay!? 

"I pushed everything down, denied any depression I felt, denied that I might be neck deep into a black ocean of depression. I put on the best smile I could muster and I helped my dad through it. And after a year and a half of shoving it down pushing through smiling for him and being there for him, he smiled for real. For the first time in a year and a half he smiled. He hugged me tight and told me I was the best thing he could have ever hoped for. And for a second I believed it. But my mothers words rang in my head, over that year and half they had carved their way into my brain, made a home and never left it. But I couldnt show it. If I did my father and I would be back at square one. And I told myself I wasnt depressed, I only wanted attention, I was fine. I was happy. I told myself this so much, saying it my head, aloud in my shower whenever I broke down, I said it so much that words didnt sound like words anymomre. They didnt sound real but I had told myself so many times that without even knowing forced myself to believe it." 

By now I was shaking. Alex was crying, his eyes begging me to stop but at the same time telling e to go on. 

"My father never noticed and I was grateful for that. If he didnt notice then he would'nt be how he was a year and half ago. He was happy now. Got a new job, made new friends, got a new girlfriend whom I liked too. Everything was perfect... except me. But I hid it. I did what I always did. And it worked. He never noticed. But then he got a promotion. Head of the company or somethin like that. He would have to travel alot. I would never see him as much as I used to. I would only see his new girlfriend." 

Alex inched over and hugged me tightly. 

"Thomas you dont have to tell me more if you dont want to." I gently pushed him away. 
"But you want to know dont you?!" He nodded solemly. 

"He left on work trips and buisness trips and comapny vacations leaving us behing only being home for 2 weeks at a time.  He came home and got in the habit of telling me he would take a year off and be with me for once. But he never did, but of course he didnt think I minded because thats what I told him. I told him he had to do what he had to do and he told me I was the most understanding son he ccould ever have. Of course if he knew how selfish I was being. Wanting him to quit that stupid job and stay with me on my irthday for once but I couldnt be that selfish. That wasnt fair to him after what he went through." 

(Guys I'm tired I spelled 'job' as 'shob' someone help me.) 

I could see Alex biting his lip trying not to debate about what I was saying. 

"He told me he would say with me  one last time and I broke. I yelled at him saying he said that too many times and never did and that he had to stop lying to me. I told him to stop promising me something and going back on his word because it was tearing me apart. I was breaking more and more without him home. Right after my outburst I told him I was sorry. Sorry for yelling. Sorry for not being the understanding son he wanted. Sorry for not being good enough. He told me he didnt notice how I was breaking. Then he told me he accepted my apology, grabbed his phone and walked out the door. He changed and I didnt blame him. When you got skin in the game, you stay in the game but you don't get a win unless you play in the game. So he had to stay in the game. How could I blame him for that. I was only a 12 year old kid. What did I know> Who was I to debate my fathers wishs? I sobbed and sobbed. I cried myself to sleep, my father's girlfriend never leaving my side crying with me. I miss her. After that day, after he left on another buisness trip she broke up with him, only staying until he got back, kissing him goodbye and leaving out of the door never looking back, nevering returning." 

I can barley think straight anymore. 

"After that he never left the house, lost his job, once again wasting away in his room. I tried to talk to him once, plaster on a smile again but he slapped me pushed me out of the door and locked it. " 

"I heard him sobbing from the outside muttering 'I'm sorry's'" I ran to my room holding my face sobbing. I grabbed the blade and I cut. Because at the time, you were bullying me and my father just proved a final time that he didnt love me and he thougt the same way of me as my mother did.  So why not just die?" 

"T-That w-was when you.." The pain in his voice crushed me. I nodded. 

"I woke up to him crying next to my bed." 

"When I went home, after I went to school again, it went to crap. I came home from school and there he was, lying on the couch with a pill bottle and some whiskey to wash them down, dead with a note on his lap. Do you know what that does to a kid? I didnt feel alive. I was dead. I wasnt even dead it was something worse. It had to be someething worse. That feeling that prison that had to be something worse than death and somethign worse that being alive. I was forced to foster care. That was horrible. I grew attacthed to this one single mom, then she, she died too! Stupid car accident!" 

I was screaming out words by now. Neaaring the end. Thankfully. I didnt want to relive this. 

"In my mind, by then, I had unknwoingly forded myself to tell myself everyone I get close to is gonna leave me. Everything in my ife had only proed this theory. You had supported it daily. And it was crushing me. I wanted to die. I didnt want to be alive but I was too afraid to end it all! Telling myself theeres something more I can live for but I was just doing what my mind wanted. Torturing myself! It worked too! Staaying aalive was killing me everyday! Everyone I knew went back on their word and it crushed me. It broke me, and it killed me! Everydy dragged me down further everyday was a living hell! Everyday was like dying and every night I came back to life and I couldt stop the cycle. In a sick way I enjoyed it because after what I was told in my life I deserved this torture." 

I was crumbling now. 

"My mind was reprogrammed, hacked with this depression, anxiety and ptsd. I still havent gotten the bug out. The virus is just growing and it's starting to get strong enough that you might as well through me out!" 


I panted. loosing my breath and composure faster with each ragged breath. 

"I still break down in the shower, because in the shower no one can tel the difference between the running shower water and the tears." 

"Thomas..." 

"I wish I wasnt like this!"

"I love you like this!"

"BROKEN?Because I dont!"

"Thomas...." 


"I love you okay!?" 

He pants staring at me with red teary eyes. 

"But you shouldn't." 

words- 2237 

A/N Pt1 That was hard to write! How Thomas felt is how i feel man! That was a heart rencher. That was the best I've ever written in a while. I cant believe that was meeee?! Yeah I updated 2 chapter in one day Suck it! orking and I'm too lazy to go over all of that. I'm sorry if thre are spelling errors my grammerly isnt working and I'm too lazy to go over all of that. Hope you enjoyed! I dont even know if you can enjoy that. Thanks for reading, commenting and voting and

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A/N pt2 IMPORTANT READ MUST EXPLANATION! Okay like I sai the relationship described in the music ideo is like the relationship between Thomas nd his Dad because Thomas' dad was so focused on being so happy and high on the world after coming back from that sadness that he didnt notice how he was crushing Thomas everyday. He didnt realize what he did to Thomas and he didnt look behind. I love that song lol anyway
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