"Come on, Kit, I'll show you my paintings."

Nasa rooftop ako ng ospital at kausap si Grace. Ang tagal na nang huli kong nakita ang mukha niya sa screen, it's been four weeks since I stayed in the hospital. Palagi akong kinukulit ni Grace na mag-videocall but I always find a way to avoid it. Alam kong nagdududa na siya sa akin kaya ngayong araw ay pinagbigyan ko siya.

Itinutok niya ang camera sa painting, hindi ko makita kung nasaan ang rose doon pero nagpanggap akong namamangha. Well, I was never good in arts. Hindi ko alam kung maganda ba o hindi pero para sa akin, lahat ng may kaugnayan sa babaeng mahal ko ay perpekto.

"Wow, ang galing naman n'yan, hon. Make sure to teach me how to paint kapag nakauwi ka na ha?"

Marami pa kaming pinag-usapan. Ang dami na pala niyang mga naipinta, ipinakita rin niya sa akin ang hindi pa tapos na sketch niya. She's a freelance artist, ngayon ay ipinagmamalaki niya sa akin ang mga naibenta na niyang paintings at sketches. Sobrang proud ako kay Grace, habang tumatagal siya sa lugar na iyon ay nakikita kong bumubuti nga ang kalagayan niya.

Hindi ko namalayang tatlong oras na pala kaming magkausap. Ang dami kasi niyang ipinapakita at ikinukwento sa akin, para bang hindi maubos-ubos ang mga baon niyang kwento. Natigil lang siya sa pagsasalita nang may lumapit. Nagulat pa ako nang may kumalabit sa akin, si Denise.

She smiled at Grace nang makitang kausap ko ito bago ito humarap sa akin.

"Hinahanap ka na ni Tita, Kit. Nag-aalala na sila sa iyo. You need to eat your lunch and drink your meds."

Alas dose y media na pala, ang bilis talaga lumipas ng oras kapag si Grace ang kasama.

"Susunod na ako, Den, magpapaalam lang ako sa girlfriend ko."

Nang sabihin ko iyon ay nagpaalam nang umalis si Denise, before she left, I saw her glance at my iPad at nagkatinginan sila ni Grace. Nang makaalis na ito ay hinarap ko na ulit si Grace, she's watching me closely as if she's waiting for an explanation. Nang walang natanggap galing sa akin ay nagtanong na ito.

"So... Denise is with you, on Nueva Ecija? Sa probinsya ng mama mo. Why?"

Base sa seryosong ekspresyon nito ay alam kong nagdududa ito, para bang may sagot na siya sa sarili niyang tanong. She's just waiting for me to tell her the truth.

"She's with us. B-but not really with us, I mean..."

Hindi ko maituloy ang sasabihin ko, paano ko ba ipapaliwanag sa kaniya itong sitwasyon ko? I am in the hospital. Denise is with me dahil tinutulungan niya sina mommy sa pagsama sa akin dito sa hospital. There's nothing wrong with that, I know. Pero kung iba ang iniisip ni Grace ay malaking problema iyon sa amin.

I don't want her to think that I am cheating. Hell no, I would never do that. I love her so damn much, and I don't see any reason for me to cheat on her. She's already a good catch, ang swerte ko na sa kaniya, magloloko pa ba ako?

"May bahay din ang pamilya nila dito. I told you that her mom is my mother's best friend, right? Pareho silang taga Nueva Ecija noon bago lumipat ng Manila para magtrabaho." Nice lie Kit.

"Bakit hindi mo sa akin sinabi noong una pa lang?" Punong-puno ng pagdududa ang mata niya.

"Kit, tara na, hinahanap ka na nila tita, come on!"

Mas lalong sumama ang tingin sa akin ni Grace nang marinig ang sigaw ni Denise, buong akala ko ay bumaba na ito pero hinihintay pala ako nito. Nasa bungad siya ng pinto ng rooftop at nakatayo roon habang hawak pa ang doorknob.

"You go first, Den, nag-uusap pa kami!" Sagot ko kay Denise bago inalis ang tingin sa kan'ya.

"What the hell, Kit, hindi pwede! You need to eat your lunch, it's already late. Maiintindihan naman siguro niya na kailangan mo nang umalis. Come on, kausapin mo na lang siya some other time!" Rinig ko ang pagkainis sa tono ng pananalita ni Denise.

I saw how Grace's lips twitched when she overheard what Denise said. Mas lalong kumunot ang noo nito sa galit, I know she never liked Denise. Sa dalas ng pag-uusap namin ay lagi niyang itinatanong ito sa akin, para bang she's looking for something from the reaction. Tila may gusto itong patunayan sa t'wing nadadawit sa usapan si Denise.

Hindi ko ito binigyan ng atensyon noon. Ganoon naman kasi ang mga babae, 'di ba? Madali silang magselos kapag may ibang kausap ang lalaki, lalo na kapag nakikita nilang may posibilidad na magloko ang lalaki. Hindi ko alam kung ganoon ba ang tingin sa akin ni Grace. Iniisip ba niyang magagawa kong magloko sa kan'ya? How did she come up with that thought? I thought I already proved myself to her pero mukhang hindi pa pala iyon sapat para magtiwala siya sa akin nang lubos.

"Denise, please! Umalis ka na muna, kaya ko ang sarili ko. Umalis ka na at nag-uusap pa kami!" Galit na sigaw ko habang nakatingin kay Denise.

Hindi ko na mapigil ang sarili ko. Hindi ko naman gusto na sigawan ang kaibigan ko, I know it's inappropriate to ask her to leave when she's just concerned for my well-being. But I'd rather make her mad than to fire up the tension between Grace and I. This is our relationship we're talking about. No one comes in between, not even my sickness nor anybody else's feelings.

"B-But, Kit—" Hindi ko na pinatapos ang sasabihin niya. I just want her to shut up and leave.

"Fuck, no more buts, Den. Just leave, will you?!"

I saw Denise's tears fall straight down her cheeks as I vent out my frustration on her. She didn't deserve this treatment, but I was left with no choice. Mahal na mahal ko lang talaga si Grace at ayokong magkagulo kami.

"G-Grace."

My heart started to ache as I saw her eyes. Her pair of deep black eyes are looking at me directly; it is almost blank. Para bang nakatitig siya sa hindi niya kilalang tao. This is the way she looks at other people, distant and cold.

"You've changed a lot. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi na kita kilala."

My head hurts as I tried to fasten my breathing. Ramdam ko ang kirot ng sentido ko, fuck no! Hindi pwedeng ngayon ako aatakihin ng sakit ko.

"No, hon, ako pa rin ito. It's just that—" Napapikit ako sa sakit ng ulo.

Pinili kong umupo para hindi ako matumba, nanghihina ang mga tuhod ko at onti-unting naninikip ang dibdib.

"It's just what, Kit? Ano, sige sabihin mo, bakit pakiramdam ko ay hindi na ikaw ang lalaking minahal ko noon? Hindi ko na alam kung paano ba ang dapat kong gawin, Kit, litong-lito na ako."

Wala akong salitang maidugtong sa mga binitiwan kong pahayag. I don't know how to defend myself, I want to assure her that I am still the same guy she used to know pero alam kong mali iyon, because inside myself, I know she's right. I've changed a lot.

As they say — one thing we can never avoid in this life is change. We are all bound to change one way or another because that's how life works. Others are changing because they don't want to be the same person they used to be, they're trying to be different. But mine is different, this is about life and death. And God knows how hard I'm trying to stay the same, the guy who's always with Grace.

"I am sorry if I'm hurting you, Grace. I never mean to cause you pain, and I hope you still know that."

All I want for you is to be happy.

"Hanggang kailan mo ako gagaguhin, ha? Hanggang kailan mo balak na gawin akong tanga? I know all your fucking lies pero—"

Nanginginig ang balikat ni Grace habang umiiyak. She's hurting because of me, and I hated myself a hundred times more for that.

"G-Grace, please." Trust me, love, you know how much I'm in love with you.

"No, Kit, alam kong niloloko mo lang ako! I know you are just in Manila this whole damn time. Alam kong iniiwasan mo lang ako sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, but I tried to act like it doesn't hurt me, when in fact it fucking is."

"I'm sorry, Grace, please forgive me. I didn't mean to lie to you."

"You didn't mean to but you still did! Alam ko lahat ng pangloloko mo sa akin, I know you are not always in your house. You were elsewhere with your other chick. Lagi kayong magkasama niyang si Denise, alam ko dahil hindi ako tanga." Fuck, this will kill me.

I remember the first time I saw her at school, she's a snob and rude to me. Laging nakasinghal sa akin at tila nandidiri, but there's something in her eyes. Ibang-iba ang kinang na mayroon sa mata niya sa tuwing nagkakasalubong ang mga titig namin.

Then I tried to find the reason why there's a hypnotic glimmer in her eyes. Sinubukan kong kilalanin siya, and little did I know, nahulog na pala ako. She's not the sweet and kind chick to me, she's just an average, rude girl that cast her spell on me so that I may see all the reasons to be happy without even trying.

And now, looking at her eyes makes me quench in pain. Her stares are piercing my heart with those eyes full of doubts. Gone is the softness and warm look, all that's left is the unveiling suspicions.

"You've been fooling me this whole damn time, Kit, I tried to defend you because I trusted you. I was confident of the years we've shared, for the love you've shown me, pero ano ito? Kung pagod ka, kung ayaw mo na, then man up, dude. Break up with me then!"

Mas lalong lumakas ang iyak niya. She covered her face with her palms and shook her head violently. Kung kabaklaan ang pag-iyak sa ganitong sitwasyon, call me gay then. I don't fucking care.

"No way, Grace, I will never break up with you. That's never gonna happen!"

My voice roared like a clap of thunder as I said those phrases. Ni sa panaginip ay hindi ko nakita ang posibilidad ng hiwalayan naming dalawa. Mahati man ang dagat ay hindi ako papayag sa sinasabi niya!

"Then be honest with me, because you know how much I despise lies. Why are you with Denise most of the time? Why is she sleeping in your house, and where do you go whenever you're with her, huh?"

Baby, please, ask me anything, just not that. Hindi ko pa kayang sabihin ito sa'yo, you can't handle this."

I don't know where she got all these information. Marahil ay binabantayan ako ng mga kaibigan niya at inirereport sa kan'ya ang mga pagdududa nila.

"Look, you can't trust me. Ni hindi mo masabi sa akin ang totoo. How do you expect me to stay with you kung ganiyan ka? Remember that it wasn't me who ruined our relationship, it's you."

That was what she said before she ended the call. I tried to dial her again, but she's rejecting my calls until she turned off her phone. Hindi ko na siya ma-contact.

Okay, fine, if I can't contact you, then I'll go and find you, Grace. You want that, huh? I'll fly to Canada no matter how risky that is for me dahil ikamamatay ko agad kung masisira tayo ng ganito.