"and i'm faded away"

...

Sera answers quickly. "What's going on?" she asks right away.

"Hello to you too," I say. "And why does something have to be going on for me to call you?"

I can't see Sera, but I know she's rolling her eyes. "You never call me," she says lightly, but I can tell she's more bothered by that fact than she seems.

"Sorry." I rub my eyes. "I never call anyone."

"So, why are you calling me now?" she responds. "And don't try to change the subject."

"I... I need someone to talk to right now. I need a distraction." There's silence on the other end. I can tell she's starting to piece it together. But I'm too exhausted to pretend anymore.

"Okay," she says at last. "Um. What should I do?"

"Just talk," I say.

"Okay. Ugh. I'm completely drawing a blank right now. What should I talk about?"

"Something," I say. "Anything."

"Well, shit," she replies. "Okay. Um. So, are you okay? Luke said you called him and you seemed to be okay, under the circumstances. And Cal said you texted him and said you were okay."

"Wait. Do you have a group chat or something that's just you worrying about me?" I'm not sure what I want the answer to be.

"So what if we do?"

"Wait, what? I don't know if I should be flattered or creeped out."

Sera laughs, an unrestrained sound that immediately calms me. "No, we don't. But I texted Sofia who texted Luke who texted Cal. So, yeah."

"Couldn't you have just... texted Cal or Luke in the first place? Or whoever? You all have each other's numbers."

Sera laughs again. "Um, I am not about to text Cal Haligan, even though he's your boyfriend. That's just weird. Besides, I just texted Sofia at first, and she texted Luke without me telling her to. And technically Cal texted Luke first."

I wrinkle my nose. "Still kinda creepy."

"Oh, whatever. Anyway, um... ugh. I don't know what to talk about. And I don't think you want to talk about conspiracy theories."

I almost laugh. "I honestly don't care anymore. If you want to talk about conspiracy theories, go ahead."

Sera sighs. "I haven't really been interested in theories lately. I haven't really been interested in anything lately. I don't know what's wrong with me."

I sit up. "Sera, absolutely nothing is wrong with you. You're amazing, you can't ever forget that." I might not be able to save myself, but I have to save Sera.

There's silence on the other end for a moment. Then, she says quietly, "Thanks. And the same goes for you too."

I'm surprised by the amount of relief that crashes down on me. It's like I was drowning, but I got my head back above water for a second. Sera doesn't think anything's wrong with me.

"How does it feel?" she asks.

"What?"

"How does it feel when... it happens?" She's afraid to say the word. So am I. And Sera's nice enough not to bring up her suspicions.

I close my eyes for a second. "It feels like... it feels like the world is crashing down on me, only no one notices. It's feeling like I'm fading away, but no one sees."

Sera doesn't say anything. I wait a few more seconds. She's still silent. I hope I haven't scared her away. If I drove Sera away too, I don't think I could come back from that, without her or Victoria.

"Are you still there?" I ask hesitantly.

"Yeah," she says, to my relief. "I don't know what to say, so just know that I'm sending you mental hugs."

In a different time, I would laugh. "Thanks."

"No problem." She pauses. "How are things with Victoria?"

I swallow. "Good. She doesn't hate me."

"I know that," Sera replies. "But that's not all, is it? There's something you're not telling us."

"Have you discussed this in your group chat too?" I ask, slightly annoyed.

She sighs. "I told you, we don't have a group chat. And no, I haven't talked to anyone about it. Answer the question."

"No," I say, "that's not all."

"What else did she say?"

I take a deep breath. Swallow, hard. Close my eyes, as if it'll make everything less real. "She doesn't want to be friends with me anymore." The words come out softly, in a hoarse whisper. It's an admission that I regret the second the words fall from my lips.

"Oh, Hazel." Sera says my name in the way only she does, slowly and carefully. "I'm so sorry."

"Yeah. But she's better off without me. That way I can't hurt her anymore." I don't know why I'm trying to convince Sera that it's a good thing. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself. "It's better this way. She's better off without me," I repeat, as if that will make me believe it. But I know that Sera hears the unspoken words, too: but it still hurts.

"I'm so sorry," Sera says again. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No."

There's a moment of silence. But it's not really silent. There's still the sound of my fan, the background noise, and the quiet sound of Sera's breathing.

"You know I'm always here for you, right?"

"Yeah," I say, and it sounds like a lie. Maybe it is a lie. I don't know.

"Hazel, can I tell you something?" she asks hesitantly.

"Yeah. Of course."

"I... I think I might... never mind. It's not important."

"Yes it is," I say. "If it's hard for you to say it, then it is. The most important things are the hardest to say."

"If I tell you this, you have to promise not to tell anyone."

"I promise. Well, unless you've murdered someone or something like that."

"Hazel! I have not murdered someone! Where do you come up with these things?"

"I don't know. And you're stalling."

Sera sighs. "Yeah." At first I don't think she's going to say anything. Then, she says quietly, "I think I might have bipolar disorder."

I freeze. Somehow, I never thought any of my friends might have mental disorders too. It should have occurred to me, but it hadn't. And Sera, of all people. She's the most cheerful and shining people I know. "Oh," I say, unsure of what to say to that. "Oh."

"Yeah."

"I'm always here for you," I say at last. "We can help each other."

"Yeah." She pauses. "You won't tell anyone?"

"Of course not. And please don't tell anyone about..."

"Yeah. I'll keep it a secret."

"Thank you," I tell her, and it's not just for her promise to keep my secret. It's for sticking with me, for being my friend, for caring about me so much. "Thank you," I say again.

"Thank you," she says. "For everything."

"You're welcome," I tell her, and feel as if an immense burden has been lifted off my chest.

And I'm fading away, but at least one other person can still see me.