"i used to be a darling starlet like a centerpiece
had the whole world wrapped around my ring"

...

I should've known it wouldn't last.

When Sera turned the corner to go to her house, the loneliness swept over me again. Today had been crazy. Absolutely insane. I thought my friends hadn't noticed everything going on. Sera told me that wasn't true. I'm not sure what's worse.

It's so unlike Sera to admit that she's wrong. I have to admit that shocked me a little. And it means that they really are worried about me. But I still don't know what to do.

I need to make up with Victoria. But I just don't have the energy to call her right now, and she probably wouldn't answer.

I've been a horrible friend, but I don't know how I can change. I don't know what to do about all of this.

Maybe if I tell Victoria my reason for all the stuff that's been going on this year she'll forgive me.

My reason. What is my reason? I know it, but I just don't want to say it. I won't even let myself say it in my mind. I won't even admit it to myself. I have to.

But I can't.

But maybe I can explain it. Maybe I don't have to say the word, but maybe I can explain.

Taking a deep breath, I turn on my phone. Fourteen unread messages. Exactly what I was hoping to avoid.

Luke: hazel are you okay???
sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you earlier
Please call me when u can

Sofia: Sera told me she found you
Why did you run off like that? I mean, I guess I do know
I'm sorry, just please text me

Sera: r u ok??
I know I talked to u, but still
call me
hazel, u okay???????

My stomach turns. I can't face them right now. Especially not Sofia, after running from her. And not Sera, after everything I told her. And I don't even open Victoria's messages. But they deserve to know I'm okay. So I call Luke.

"Hazel?" he answers on the first ring. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lie. What's another lie after so many? 'I'm fine' sounds the same even when it's a lie.

There's a pause. "Do you really expect me to believe that?"

I sigh. "Well, I'm as fine as I can be after all this." I swallow. "I already miss Victoria," I say softly, my voice hoarse. I can't believe I said that out loud. But I did, and Luke already has a response.

"Of course you do. She's your best friend."

"Not anymore," I say sadly. "She doesn't want anything to do with me."

Luke snorts. "Do you really believe that? It's a wonder you two haven't fought more. You're both absolutely clueless."

"Hey!" Maybe I'm clueless, but Victoria certainly isn't. Besides, I'm not as clueless as he is. "You're way more clueless. Have you noticed..." I trail off. I'm not sure if Sofia would be okay with me telling Luke that she likes him. Actually, I'm pretty sure she would definitely not be okay with that.

"Have I noticed what?"

I decide not to tell him, but I can still give him hints. "What's going on with you and Sofia?"

He pauses. "Um, what? There's nothing going on with me and Sofia. I mean, like, that doesn't make any sense. Are you sure you're okay, Hazel? Me and Sofia? That's. That's just ridiculous."

I laugh despite myself. "You're a really bad liar, Luke."

"What? I'm not lying. I never lie!" he lies.

"Sure. Just like I never lie."

He sighs. "That's not the point. We're not talking about... that. We're talking about what's going on with you. Now... where was I?"

"I believe you were saying something about how clueless I am?"

"Yeah. That. Anyway, Victoria misses you as much as you miss her. It's just that both of you are too stubborn to admit it to each other. I tried to convince her to text you, but... nothing. Oh, has she texted you?"

My smile fades. "Uh... yeah. I didn't look at her texts."

"Hazel! You really are clueless. Look at them. Now."

"But... what if it's about how much she hates me and never wants to see me again?" It's definitely a possibility.

"Trust me. It's not going to be." When I'm not convinced, he adds, "Does that really sound like Victoria to you? It's not her style. If she didn't want to see you again, she'd block you or tell someone else to tell you."

He does have a point. "Okay. I'm going to look at them. But I have to hang up with you first."

"Okay. Just actually look at them. And text or call me when you're done. Because I'm right, and you know it."

"Fine." I hang up on him without another word.

I'm still worried that Victoria has texted me out of anger, but I open her texts.

Victoria: hazel I'm so so sorry
I'm not ready to talk to you right now, but just know that I'm sorry
I shouldn't have lashed out on you like that
I don't think things can go back to normal, but I'm so sorry, I don't really hate you

I swallow. I should be glad. Victoria doesn't hate me, but she doesn't want to be friends again. She doesn't hate me, thank god. And now she'll be far away from me, out of my reach. I'm poison. I hurt everyone around me. It's better this way.

But I still feel terrible.

I text Luke like I promised:

Me: Victoria doesn't hate me
Luke: told you so
That's good!
right??
Me: yeah

I don't feel like talking to Luke anymore. Now I just feel awful, and I feel even worse for feeling like that.

Another text comes in. This time, it's not from Luke or Victoria.

It's from Cal, my boyfriend. The one I was hoping to avoid.

Cal: are you okay?
Sera told me what happened

I don't want to talk to him. I honestly don't feel like talking to anyone at all. Except Victoria, and Victoria doesn't want to talk to me. But I should at least let him know I'm okay.

Me: I'm okay
Victoria texted me and she says she doesn't hate me, so I'm good
Cal: good
u 2 never fight

I don't think things are working out between Cal and me. I've thought this for a long time, but never did anything about it. Because a breakup means people asking if I'm okay, and that means more pretending.

It's horrible that those are my priorities. But today's been different. Maybe things will change.

I met Cal in a coffee shop. He goes to our school, but I never really spoke to him until then.

I was sitting at one of the empty tables in the coffee shop, drawing. There was a latte on my table, along with one of my sketchbooks. I remember that it was a Wednesday. I just remember random things like that.

I was drawing one of the characters from a book I was writing. Asteria, probably the most real character I've ever created.

I sat back and took a sip of my latte. That coffee shop was the best one I had ever found.

"That's really good," a voice said.

I turned my head to see Cal. I knew of him— he was pretty popular. I was surprised that he had bothered to notice. Whenever I saw him at school, he just seemed aloof.

"Your drawing," he clarified. "It's really... realistic, I guess. And it makes you feel something."

I blushed. "Thanks." I sat there awkwardly for a moment, unsure of what to say. He stayed next to me. I picked up my pencil again and started a doodle of him in the right corner of the page.

He smiled. "So you're an artist?"

"Yeah," I said, still drawing. "It's one of my hobbies."

"You're really good," he remarked.

I smiled back at him, and held up my doodle. "Think it's a good likeliness?"

"Yeah," he replied, "yeah."

I frowned. "Really? I think it looks a little off. I don't know what it is, though."

He smirked. "Yeah, maybe I'm just too good-looking to be captured in a drawing."

I rolled my eyes. "Or too ugly-looking."

He looked offended. "Hey!"

I laughed. "Just kidding." I turned back to my sketchbook, flipping it open to a new page. I began sketching my coffee, aware of his eyes watching my pen.

It wasn't until that night that I realized just how much I liked talking to him.

I shake my head, bringing myself back to the present. I have enough problems right now without adding on to them.

I haven't drawn in a long time. I really miss it, but I just haven't had the inspiration to draw anymore.

I do my homework. I need something to distract me from everything, and maybe I can get my grade up to a passing grade. That way people won't worry as much.

I finish my homework earlier than I expected. Now there's nothing between myself and me. The thoughts pour in, like they always do. And I usually just let them. I usually don't care. But today has changed everything. And I don't want to go back to the way things were before. I need a distraction. I need something to block out the thoughts, just a little longer.

So I call Sera.