"i flew too closely to the sun that's setting in the east
and now i'm melting from my wings"

...

I'm pretty sure that the whole ninth grade---wait, no, the whole school---knows that Victoria and I had a fight.

When you see one of us, the other is always right behind---or was. Not anymore. So it was pretty obvious by the way we were ignoring each other. When I sit next to Autumn and Mel in study hall, the first thing they ask is if Victoria's okay. I always sit by Victoria in study hall, where we get to sit wherever we want.

I hear Victoria come in. Without looking up, I already know it's Victoria. Her footsteps just sound like Victoria, and she opens the door with the usual Victoria flourish that bangs the door against the wall. I know her too well. I don't want to look up. I can't look at her red eyes and know that she was crying because of me. I can't look at her at all, because if I do I'll probably be a sobbing mess or I'll retreat into myself.

Actually, retreating into myself doesn't sound so bad.

I can't look at Victoria.

But I look at her anyway, because I'm me and she's Victoria, and even when we're fighting I will always look for my best friend. Correction: ex-best friend.

So I look. And Victoria isn't Victoria. She's Victoria, but all the things that made her Victoria are gone. Her eyes are blank. They're never blank. Victoria's eyes are always full of emotion. Her eyes are red and watery, like I predicted. Her usual confidence when she comes in is replaced by a look of uncertainty.

Our eyes meet, and the world freezes. Then she looks away, and walks over to the desk at the opposite side of the room, next to Sofia and Sera. The room goes quiet. Eyes dart from me to Victoria, hushed whispers spreading throughout the room. No one speaks at a normal volume.

I've never really had a fight with Victoria before. Not in years. In middle school, we had a fight. That's the last one I remember. Sure, we'd argue occasionally, but it didn't last long and was rarely about each other.

Now I don't know what to do. Because I'm completely clueless on how to navigate high school without her, since it's all so different and stressful. And I know she's just as lost without me.

It's already horrible when she's absent. Nothing works when she's not there, the world crashes down on me, and I know it's because Victoria isn't there. The thoughts I try to block out come through, more violently than ever without her. And I can smile and laugh and talk to other people, but it's never the same. Because she's my best friend, and I am completely incapable of functioning without her. I know it's not healthy, but I depend on her so much.

Especially this year, when everything gets worse and worse. It just keeps spiraling, and I don't know how to get out of it.

At least Victoria got out of it. She was stuck with me in my spiral, just by being my best friend. At least she had the will to get out of it, to cut me out of her life. She deserves better. She did the right thing.

But why does it hurt so much?

I know the facts. I know that I can be a toxic person. I know that Victoria's better off without me. I know the things that are undeniably true, that are always there. Or at least they used to be. But feelings aren't as straightforward. I've never understood them.

I can't tell you why I wish Victoria was still by my side, why everything's easier with her. I can't tell you why Victoria has stuck with me for so long, why Luke is in our friend group even though he could be anywhere he wants, why Sofia is so kind but can be scathing at times. I can't tell you why it sometimes feels like Sera can look at me, past the act, past the layers of "I'm fine"s, to whatever's beneath, my soul or whatever.

So I don't glance at Victoria for the rest of the day, don't dare talk to anyone, not even to pretend I'm fine. I don't meet Autumn or Mel's eyes. I ignore how Victoria studiously ignores me.

I don't even bother to cover everything up, because the world's crashing down on me and what does it even matter anymore that people will know? What does anything matter in the end?

I go to the bathroom when the bell rings, waiting it out so that I don't have to confront anyone. When I'm sure that everyone has left, I finally open the door of the stall and walk to my locker, only to be stopped by Sofia, who seems to have been lying in wait for me outside the bathroom.

"What's going on?" she asks, her voice soft but with a hard edge underneath. I know better than to mess with her when she's like this.

"How did you know I'd be here?" I wonder. I took so many steps to ensure none of my friends would be able to follow me.

She sighs. "It's kind of obvious. Everyone always goes to the bathroom to cry. And you would never go to any of the others. They're too gross."

Maybe I wasn't as subtle as I hoped.

When she realizes I'm not going to say anything, she speaks. "Look. Everyone's worried about... everyone's worried about you. We're not idiots, Hazel."

I raise an eyebrow. "Everyone's worried? Well, where is everyone else? I mean, I don't expect Victoria to be looking for me, after everything," I bite my lip, "but what about Sera? Luke?"

Sofia lets out a huff of annoyance. "Victoria's like you. Moping around, but not doing anything. She actually tried hiding in the storage closet. Luke's with her. He wanted to be here too, but we agreed Victoria needed someone too."

I snort. "Of course he wanted to be with you. Why are you even denying it? Why do you always give him a hard time and keep your distance? Don't think I haven't noticed. Do you not like him?"

Sofia blushes furiously. "What are you talking about?"

I roll my eyes. "He obviously likes you."

Sofia takes a step back. For a moment she actually looks surprised. And I thought I was hopeless in social situations. "I don't like him." Her mouth twitches slightly. Her one tell. She's lying.

"Keep telling yourself that, and maybe you'll believe it. But seriously, you're always... colder to him than anyone else."

Sofia bites her lip. "Yeah. I... I guess I do that to cover up everything. I think that maybe if I act that way, then it'll actually become... real."

"Really?" Maybe we have more in common than I thought.

Sofia crosses her arms. "Whatever. We're not here to talk about my love life. You're stalling."

I sigh. "Yeah." Then I run. While we've been talking, she's been backing further away because of her embarrassment, and I've been creeping closer and closer to the stairs. Now, I run to my locker, grabbing everything I need as quickly as possible. She chases after me, but I'm faster than she is and we both know it.

I race out the back door, only to crash into Sera. I realize that Sofia never told me where Sera was. Apparently she was also lying in wait.

"Hazel?" she gasps, getting back to her feet. "I thought you would come this way, but I didn't expect you to run straight into me."

Flustered, I get back up. I frown. "How does everyone seem to know where I am?"

She rolls her eyes, which is such a Sera thing to do that I almost smile. "Well, you were obviously trying to avoid us. Sofia figured out you would probably go to the bathroom to cry, because everyone does that, and it didn't seem like you were going to go out through the front. It would have been best if we had someone by your locker, but alas. We're just too short on people."

I blink. "So, what's all," I make a vague gesture with my hand, "this for?"

Sera seems to understand my HBSL (Hazel Brenton Sign Language). "You and Victoria had a fight. You haven't seemed yourself for a long time. Fred Weasley died. A new plague broke out and is killing people this second. The world is going to end in twelve minutes. What's up?"

I blink again. "Wait, what? I thought you hadn't read Harry Potter."

Sera gives me an exasperated look. "That's what you're so concerned about right now? And no, I haven't, but you pick up on a few things listening to you and Luke." She frowns. "But it's mainly just Luke now. You don't talk much anymore."

"Well. Anyway, I have to go home. Talk to you later!" I dash off again, but Sera grabs my arm. She's way stronger than I thought.

"Hazel, that's not going to work." She says my name differently than anyone else does. Ha-zel. Pronouncing every part of it carefully.

I try to pull away from her, but she keeps a viselike grip.

"Just tell me what's going on," she pleads. "You haven't been yourself this past year. We all noticed, but we didn't know what to do about it. But then you and Victoria have a fight, and all of this is getting out of control."

"Oh? So you only do something when Victoria's involved?"

"It's not like that," Sera says. "Please. I told the others not to ask you before, because I wanted you to tell us yourself. But now everything's crashing down and I was wrong, and I don't know what to do—" The words fall from her mouth quickly, in the Sera way she has of talking too fast. Then she stops short. "Sorry. But please, just tell me what's going on. Or Sofia or one of the others. But we want to help you."

I swallow. Sera never admits she's wrong. She hates being wrong. If Sera says she's wrong, then she really must be worried.

I have to tell her.

I can't tell her.

It's like the situation with Victoria all over again, except somehow worse. It's impossible, and the world is once again spinning out of orbit.

"I-I don't know how to tell you," I stumble over the words. "And I honestly don't know what's going on." I think of all the searches I've typed into Google, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. "I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Sera says firmly.

I take a deep breath. I'm not ready to be able to tell her. Not ready to be able to tell anyone. But I can promise her that I will tell her when I'm ready. "I'm not ready to tell anyone. I've hardly even told myself. I can't tell you at the moment. But I will when I can. I promise."

Sera nods. "Someday," she says softly.

"Yeah. Someday."

Sera walks home with me in silence. But there's words in the quiet. A steady humming of I'll be there for you. And when Sera and I wave goodbye, I realize that I've said more today than I have in the past year.