well... strange start to this book after leaving for two months. this is why everyone leaves me.

we're kicking this off with a deep topic. today, i want to talk about maladaptive daydreaming.

maladaptive daydreaming is a disorder that can begin at any age. it often is a symptom of trauma or mental disorders, but can happen without it too. it is characterized by a person forming one or multiple alternate realities in their head, and basically living life in them instead of real life. it is often brushed off, or misdiagnosed as psychosis. there is currently no treatment for it.

my maladaptive daydreaming first started happening in the sixth grade (around the time i got hit by depression), and only got more severe from there on out. you start forming people in your head, and you build this life around them, and you get so attached to the life you're living in your mind that you physically can't go back to the real world. it pains you to do so, and therefore, you just... don't.

i can generally cope with it, but it does get in the way of my everyday life. i sometimes physically can't do things because it will risk me having to leave the place i've built in my head and face the real world, pathetic me. it gets really bad sometimes. i don't choose when it starts or when it ends. i spend basically all day every day home alone, and when my dad is home, i usually barricade myself in my room, so i have an overwhelming amount of time to myself. that leaves me to a lot of time to spend in my head. about twelve hours a day of it, to be exact. i don't spend all of it in my head, but i do with a lot of it.

i feel like i've lived the past three years in a bubble because of it. memories of good times are blurry, on some occasions i mix up reality and fiction, and it's so hard to ground myself. talking like i am right now is one of the only times that i can do so.

i urge you to do more research on the topic if you're interested. it's pretty fascinating even to me.

one of my favorite articles is this one:
https://www.thecut.com/2016/10/what-its-like-to-be-a-maladaptive-daydreamer.html
i'll put it in the comments so those of you on pc can click it. she's very brave to speak so openly about her experience. mine feels very personal, because it stems almost purely from
the traumas i've faced, but maybe someday.

this is a serious start to the book, yes, but i've wanted to talk about it for years. i hope to talk about a lighthearted topic next chapter (and that you won't leave me), but now felt like the right time to finally speak about this. will i ever harness it? in the foreseeable future, probably not, but despite that, i will continue to live life to the fullest i can.

stay safe friends,
-m

update: i now have a tumblr for maladaptive daydreaming. username is matties-gone-madd, if you don't have an account you can add .tumblr.com to the end of it on a search engine.